Birthday acknowledgment

[stoppedwindows]

I've been with my DH for 20 years we were both widowed when we met and married. He has 3 grown up children who don't live with us also we have grandchildren. I have none of my own children In the 20 years we've been together I've probably had 6 birthday cards or greetings from them. They just don't remember. or I don't matter much to them. DH has occasionally reminded them and they've sent me a card. I used to get upset but I don't anymore, I am hurt by it though

I get on with my step kids I think they like me or at least they are pleasant and polite with me.

Does this happen to anyone else and what to you do about it

I don't know when my fathers wife's birthday is. I don't call her my step mother as they got together when I was an adult so we never had a stepmother/ daughter relationship. We've never lived together, or spent significant time together and we live in different countries. She's a nice woman but we don't have a relationship independently of my dad. Just as my DP doesn't have an independent relationship with my father. My father is quite a bit older than her, and it's unlikely that we would spend time together if he dies before her.

None of this is personal, we just haven't formed a relationship. Other friends whose parents married again once they were adults seem to have similar experiences. I imagine it would have been different if they'd got together when I was still a child.

Ironically, my husband's kids were very sympathetic to their mother when she was ostracised by her 3rd partner's family.

Their mother's Affair Partner had died. Less than a year later, she was seeing her 3rd partner, a widower. He had nursed his wife through cancer. (He was my husband's best pal.)

One of his grandchildren actually sent him a letter disowning him, though one of his children came round. They didn't all make up until the 3rd partner/pal was also dying of cancer.

My husband's children were appalled at the way their mother was treated, but didn't seem to realise that my husband and I were being treated less favourably by them. (I've not posted all the details on here.)

Their mother is still with her 4th partner, I believe. He also had adult children.
I'm honestly not sure how she does it. Her Affair Partner had no family, but after her experience with Man No 3...

I guess that some people just can't bear to be on their own. I get that, but I don't think that I could go through it all again.

My birthday is in the same month as one of my DSC's this means occasionally on the same contact weekend I give them a gift and they give me one of their leftover Christmas presents. It's awful. It's always been the same. Talk of the month always goes OH its DSC's birthday soon (oh and albertoross')

Did you help bring them up or did you marry when the kids were grown up? That'll make a big difference

I’m sorry OP. Sounds really tough, I bet family friends are treated better.

My cousins have a SM and I never thought much about it until I became an SM myself. She was always sidelined at weddings etc (been on the scene most of their lives), but I noticed after my Aunt died (it was an illness, she died young) SM has suddenly been promoted to Nanny and they seem quite close. If you’d looked at their Social media before my aunt passed you’d never have known the SM even existed. Now she is babysitting their kids etc.

I wonder if it’s a loyalty thing. SM is a lovely woman as far as I can tell - after becoming an SM myself I always made an effort to seek her out and chat to her at family events. She was always well composed. Must have been tough for her.

I also think this is a bit of a younger people thing. Cards aren't as much of a thing any more - I get very few cards from people my own age. People tend to just text or call each other or message each other on social media. I do my parents and partner, but I'm not great at remembering wider family's birthdays to be honest and don't even know when some of them are because I've not actually ever been told when they are and it's now a bit awkward to ask...

I read this today, and it really made me think, and it feels relevant No matter how I tried, I couldn’t get my stepchildren to accept me. So I stopped | Lucretia Grindle Lutyens | The Guardian

I'm both an SC and SM, and i was definitely a bit neglectful of my SM when i was a young adult. Having said that, i did always send a birthday card: she may not have raised me, but she's my DF's partner, and to just pretend there is no relationship because she didn't raise me feels odd! My SC have never given me a birthday card, and the article above does help me relax a bit! As the writer says -- you can't heal all the wounds/history/relationships that happened before you even arrived.

The babysitting the kids bit says a lot here. It’s really sad, most of us arrive with all good intentions and we want the relationships to work with the kids, but we end up being a household appliance and treated as such, probably less welcome and appreciated. Honestly, the family pets get treated better often, no matter what we do we. And if we ever say a single word that we’re not overwhelmed with love and adoration for our situation we’re damned. But we’re good for childcare and finances.

@MissyPea quite.

I posted by mistake I don’t know how to delete sorry!

@MissyPea So true!
@albertoross that resonates with me. The rejection and cancelling out etches away at your self esteem

I am a step mum and I have a step mum. My step kids are still teenagers so I don’t expect much really but no, not one card in, not one birthday wish, not a present, small token - nothing. Despite the fact I contribute massively to their birthday and Xmas presents, buy clothes during the year, pay for takeaways, events etc.

I don’t expect anything necessarily and it doesn’t annoy me - yet. Perhaps when they are in their 20’s/30s I may feel differently- but I can tell you I won’t be offering baby sitting or childcare and there won’t be any financial contribution towards deposits or university etc unless there is some kind of recognition of my contribution to their lives for 15+ years.

on the other side I have a SM and she’s been in my life since my early 20s. She is not my mum, we aren’t super close but I do all the traditional things like buy gifts for birthdays, Mother’s Day, my kids call her nanny etc. She loves my kids and has been an involved grandparent.

I can’t imagine treating someone with such coldness to not even send a birthday card or a bunch of flowers once a year when they are married to my parent. I think that level of ignorance is astounding and I’d be mortified if I were your husband.

Sorry OP, no easy answer but I would hope in time as they ease out of their 20s and grow up, perhaps become parents themselves they will understand the challenges you’ve endured to stay married to their dad.

My step kids never bothered or care with Mother’s Day, birthdays or xmas. Anything I got was because of their dad. It only bothered me once when their mums gift was wrapped in nice paper bow the works and mine in brown paper and it just fucked me off my partner didn’t even think to say what paper shall we wrap Emma’s gift in.

i soon stopped caring because the people I love and truly care about acknowledged it.

when I cared less I was a lot happier

@MissyPea @SprinkleofSpringShowers

My cousins have a SM and I never thought much about it until I became an SM myself. She was always sidelined at weddings etc (been on the scene most of their lives), but I noticed after my Aunt died (it was an illness, she died young) SM has suddenly been promoted to Nanny and they seem quite close. If you’d looked at their Social media before my aunt passed you’d never have known the SM even existed. Now she is babysitting their kids etc.

The babysitting the kids bit says a lot here.

So they've finally found a use for the SM then. She's more generous than I might have been in this situation.. 🌹

I don’t know why the hell people think they’re entitled to treat you like dirt then benefit from you. Not from me you don’t.

Who’s we? Stand on your own two feet. You don’t need an army behind you.

I realised that my husband’s kids only became nicer towards me when they had use for me - for example, when I took their mum to hospital and when I became my husband’s carer.

I recall telling my husband that I suspected that I was expected to become his ex’s carer and that would not be happening.

No I don’t need an army behind me, correct. I didn’t ask for one. Using the term ‘we’ in my comment wasn’t suggesting everyone felt the same but was simply including those who did. If you disagree that’s ok. I’d be surprised I have to explain this if I wasn’t aware you’re just trying to find a way to attack.

I don’t have to give a damn (I’ve almost run out of damns) and I’m fully aware that step parents feelings are almost always invalid.

Better?

Laughable. You were looking to start a fight with the poster you were responding to. I was just pointing out that you don’t need to drag anyone else with you to up the bullying element.

I'm not a step mum, but I do have a step mum and I send her a birthday gift each year. She's been in my life since I was 8, and I strongly suspect that she is the reason my dad reaches out to me on my birthday! We don't do mother's day though - she's always made it clear she isn't my mum, but she is my dads wife, and someone I've known and liked since I was young.

I’ve been with DH now longer than he was with his first wife, known the kids going on 20 years. Get on well.

dh reminds them to send a card…and they do. That’s enough for me.

I’ve only spent my birthday with them once though(for various reasons was away with ex wife too) and my 50 th ( threw a party and they came), as tend to go out with friends for my birthday or be away.

whereas for their mum and dad we do family dinners….

People come on the step parenting threads to attack step parents because of their own issues. They should understand that it might get a reaction. That isn’t my problem either.
Have a wonderful day Norm.

I feel we are in the opposite situation to all the previous posters because we all really try with DH’s stepmum but she is really not that interested and I doubt very much the children (who do call her granny) would see her again if FIL died, but it would be her own choice for that to happen. DH’s mum is dead and was before FIL remarried but they have now been together around 20 years though DH was an adult when they got together. She doesn’t have a particularly close relationship with her own children though so perhaps we were hoping/expecting too much.

A reaction? Yes. Bullying? No. You were the troll in this interaction. Her post wasn’t attacking anyone; she gave a point of view. You need to look inward to see why you were upset by it.

It's clear from comments that even adults here think their parents shouldn't have new partners, my own DPs adult DD said if you weren't with Kelly you'd be with mum, which is a nonsense; she's been witness to her mothers shockingly vile behaviour towards DP, all out of bitterness; yet she's the one who ended the marriage!!
He's told her straight she needs to, after a decade, stop this thinking.
I often wonder how these people will feel if they ever become SPs.
Fortunately, my own DC treat my DP as one of the family and include him in everything and love to spoil him at birthdays and Xmas, probably moreso as they see the poor behaviour of his own DC who if he's lucky send a text msg.