AIBU step children stay over without me even being asked

[workingmum6]

I have my own ds with partner and three step children. We have them every other evening until they go back to mums as DH and I leave for work super early. We also have the kids every other weekend. The set up has been the same for years even before we got together and it works.

It's the school holidays right now and he's offered each one to stay an evening over night. This is fine and I have no problem but I didn't even get a heads up before he asked the kids. This weekend is a no step children weekend and he's said one of the kids are staying.

Again no problem with this it's their home too, however an ask would be nice. Weekends and weekday evenings with 4 kids is crazy, running in from work and trying to get a fresh dinner on the table.

AIBU to expect just to be asked before it's offered out?

Please don't judge or think I'm the evil step parent because I love them but I do also like my own time occasionally!

[WhatTheFuk]

Why isn't he making dinner? If you're expected to care and cook for them then of course it's manners that you be consulted.

[MajorFaff]

@WhatTheFuk

Why isn't he making dinner? If you're expected to care and cook for them then of course it's manners that you be consulted.

I'd say the same. Of course they should be absolutely welcome at any time. But he should also be making sure that you know what's going to happen and when (and even more so if you're expected to do all the extra work).

Obviously they're part of the family - but so is he, and he should be pulling his weight!

[TheCheekyKoala]

I’d expect to be asked to be honest if it was ok. It may be there home to visit but it’s also yours.

Id expect to be asked if it was ok and check if we had anything on.

He can also make the dinner too.

[hottchocolatte]

YANBU OP

he should ask you or consult you at least

I am a SM and used to get annoyed that DH didn't consult me - made me feel a bit like a nasty SM as if he didn't want them but actually it wasn't that at all. I just like to be able to plan and of course having two children in the house all week end made an impact on plans. If it didn't work for him or their mother they changed plans but if I expected a say it didn't go down well.

[Fathomless]

@TheCheekyKoala

I’d expect to be asked to be honest if it was ok. It may be there home to visit but it’s also yours.

Id expect to be asked if it was ok and check if we had anything on.

He can also make the dinner too.

all of this. maybe time to take a step back if you're step parenting too much?

[workingmum6]

You guys make me feel like I'm not going insane thank you 😘

He is a brilliant dad and he does cook the nuggets and chips but I try to make meals where I can in the week so they get at least one vegetable in them!

Maybe he's just a man and doesn't think 🙈 Too bad he didn't ask be beforehand because if he did I would have informed him I've been invited out for dinner with the girls on Friday so he can have the kids!

[workingmum6]

@hottchocolatte oh my god I could have written this myself! It's so hard being a step parent sometimes isn't it. I'm grateful I get to watch these little humans grow in to adults but they piss me off as much as my own child does 😂 if anything I'm probably a bit harder on my child than them.

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

If my husband invited his kids on a kid free weekend without telling me I’d be absolutely fucking furious. I’m shattered, I live for my adults only weekends. He really should have been more considerate!

[workingmum6]

@Youcannotbeseriousreally honestly you make me feel so much better. For context we also have his dad living here temporarily almost 6 months already whilst he sorts a new house out. He's a lazy bugger too, I just get a bit overwhelmed sometimes.

[Springtime43]

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

If my husband invited his kids on a kid free weekend without telling me I’d be absolutely fucking furious. I’m shattered, I live for my adults only weekends. He really should have been more considerate!

This!

[VictorianChic]

Stop enabling him. He needs to treat you with more respect and he needs to cook proper food for his children.

[Screamingabdabz]

@VictorianChic

Stop enabling him. He needs to treat you with more respect and he needs to cook proper food for his children.

Agreed. It’s not rocket science to put a bit of broccoli on the side or knock up a salad!

[TheCheekyKoala]

@workingmum6

You guys make me feel like I'm not going insane thank you 😘

He is a brilliant dad and he does cook the nuggets and chips but I try to make meals where I can in the week so they get at least one vegetable in them!

Maybe he's just a man and doesn't think 🙈 Too bad he didn't ask be beforehand because if he did I would have informed him I've been invited out for dinner with the girls on Friday so he can have the kids!

I’d be planning things for Everytime he invites them over without telling you.

He will soon learn.

[Illpickthatup]

He absolutely should be running this past you. It's common courtesy. My DH would always run it past me if his ex asked for DSD to stay extra night. We have DSS17 living here full time so there's always kids in the house, although he's 17 so pretty much takes care of himself. My DSD6 is here 50% and I love having her here but if we have plans, even if it's to have a quiet night in after a busy week my DH would tell his ex no.

A grown man should be able to cook more than just nuggets and chips. I mean surely he can push the boat out and make a bit of pasta or something? Please don't excuse his behaviour as "just a man". No, he's a grown adult and a parent. I'm sure he doesn't have issues communicating or doing tasks at work so don't excuse his lack of communication and lack of effort at home.

If he's inviting the kids over to stay then he absolutely has to be the one who does all the cooking and cleaning for them. I'm glad you already have plans to go out. It will give him some time just him and the kids.

[Mummame2222]

It’s not really their home though if this is an issue. It depends if the issue is them staying or the lack of communication.

[GrumpyPanda]

@workingmum6

@Youcannotbeseriousreally honestly you make me feel so much better. For context we also have his dad living here temporarily almost 6 months already whilst he sorts a new house out. He's a lazy bugger too, I just get a bit overwhelmed sometimes.

Worse and worse. And I assume FIL gets his meals served as well?

Time for a massive step back OP.

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

@Mummame2222

It’s not really their home though if this is an issue. It depends if the issue is them staying or the lack of communication.

Have you even read the OP????? 🤦🏻‍♀️

[LadyGaGasPokerFace]

Cripes! You even have fil with you. I’d be bailing out and leaving dh to it. I do wonder why he split with the ex wife, his behaviour is very self centric. How did fil end u living with you? Did dh even consult you on that?

[Butterfly212]

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

If my husband invited his kids on a kid free weekend without telling me I’d be absolutely fucking furious. I’m shattered, I live for my adults only weekends. He really should have been more considerate!

Same I love my kid free weekends

[kknow]

Op you say on the one hand "it's no problem" but on the other, you want to be asked. Would the answer be yes or no? I agree that he does the caregiving during these times

[Mummame2222]

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

Have you even read the OP????? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes love.

[Westfacing]

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, although your husband should have discussed it with your first.

If I read it correctly the children come every other evening but return to sleep at their mum's as you and DH leave for work super early?

So you normally only have them overnight two nights a week on the EOW?

[liveforsummer]

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

If my husband invited his kids on a kid free weekend without telling me I’d be absolutely fucking furious. I’m shattered, I live for my adults only weekends. He really should have been more considerate!

It's not an adult only weekend though, they have a shared schedule who lives there all the time which does change things a little

[Strugbug]

It’s just common courtesy to discuss these things beforehand. What if you’d made plans? I’d be pissed. In fact, I made it very clear early on with DH that any changes to the schedule needed to be discussed in advance.

[Sparkleandshine231]

You should be asked.
In my experience I always was which infuriated the children’s mother as she felt I didn’t deserve an opinion or any time to enjoy without her kids being present.
I have to say I enjoyed infuriating her.