Day out with my boyfriend & his son

[littlelup]

Hello!

I recently met my boyfriend's son for the first time - he's 6 and is autistic. We just sat in and watched a movie, he did speak to me a little and even fell asleep so I'm glad to know perhaps he felt comfortable and happy with me there.

On Saturday we are all going to the funfair together. To be honest, I'm over thinking it in terms of I want him to know I'm friendly and he can be comfy around me - but I don't want to be too over bearing.. but also don't want to withdraw because of that fear and not involve myself in activities. Does anyone have any words of advice on this kind of thing - meeting a partner's child?

I understand not telling him off, don't tell him what to do etc... I'd never even think of it. But I guess I just want some kind of comfort hahah. People who have been in a similar situation how did you handle the over thinking? I'm sure it will just be a happy and lovely day out! But I'm so worried of giving the wrong impression to either of them.

Please be kind - I've never been in this kind of situation and just really want the best for us all, especially my boyfriend's son. This asking for advice comes from a genuine place.

Thanks

i was just myself tbh. I have dogs so we kinda used the dogs as a door opener 😂 the plan was kids would meet the dogs and I’d be around so it wouldn’t be so pressured. Boys wanted to take the dogs for a walk, I was happy for them to go without me, they asked if I’d come and it kinda just went from there. Dad helped to engage me and them in conversation but I’m not quiet or shy 🙈 so I’d ask questions let them ask until it kinda just became us four and we are comfy. The comfy with affection doesn’t come for a while. Taken 2 years to get a bed time hug 😂

you’re in for a journey, I hope you are supported and you enjoy it xx

Honestly forget about it, dont try and take it as it comes. Every child is different, everyone with Autism is different too.

So let go of any expectation for either of you and adapt at the time towards his cues.

That way it is more organic, natural and you can start to develop a relationship that is tailored to you both.

Hopefully his dad can give you a few pointers in how he may react before he struggles. So you can know when to give a little space. (For example, i have autism and start to go quiet when overwhelmed so know to then take a breather)

Hope you all have a lovely time :)

don’t ask lots of questions
just express enthusiasm for the rides and what he’s doing
how long have you been with his dad?

Thanks for the advice! I've been with his dad for around a year and a half now. It's been a long time coming haha.

This is great. Thank you for taking the time to comment :)

Just be yourself, don’t try too hard, don’t over think, it will be fine!

I have a really good relationship with my DP’s ASD son (much less so with his non-ASD child who resents my existence and isn’t being helped out of this effectively yet). Its been up and down and I’ve had to detach in the past when some very challenging behaviours weren’t being dealt with by his parents. But overall I do enjoy the ASD lad’s company and he gets on great with my child who is the same age. I can now after knowing him 3 years take him for play dates with my child without DP there.

You don’t have to do anything other than be yourself and be kind. Consistency of care is usually very important for ASD children (I know this because my child is ASD too) so follow and support the bio parent’s techniques.

I can reinforce the other poster’s point about asking your BF about any specific triggers for meltdowns or maladaptive behaviour that are best avoided.

Also ask how to leverage any special interest the child has to build the relationship. Special interests are a source of comfort and a context where social bonds, conversation and play can flourish.

Questions can be a good conversation opener for my DP’s ASD boy if he can answer with a fact. He is low functioning and at age 11 can’t talk about feelings. My child is Aspergers profile (an outdated term now but I’m not sure what to replace it with) and what teachers call double gifted. He’s not only working 2-3 years ahead in English and maths but is also at 10 now fascinated by emotions and the social world and the logic and psychology behind his own feelings. He loves poetry, politics and debating current affairs, so they are all different. ASD truly is a spectrum condition and it’s about learning where they are on this vast spectrum and working with that.

What my son and DP’s have in common is they find socialising overwhelming and need short breaks during and a lot of alone time before and after, so perhaps ask BF if you need to be mindful of that.

Its really rewarding developing a friendship with an ASD child and for me it’s been far easier with DPs than with his other child, who says he can’t and will not be nice to me because that’s letting his mum down (loyalty bind or alienation maybe). I hope it is the same for you and the level of care and concern you’ve shown already about being introduced slowly and what to do on the day out suggests it will be. I think you’re on the way to making a friend for life with a small person who may not ever make loads of friends and will really value those he has.

Firstly thank you for such a lovely comment, it made my heart smile to read. You seem like a very warm and kind person, I’m not surprised you managed to develop a meaningful connection with this boy.

It is perhaps a little difficult as I know my boyfriend hasn’t had the opportunity to take his son out alone before - ie, without his son’s mum. She has been extremely reluctant to let him, I understand though, to an extent. He is learning how to navigate his son’s triggers etc too; but briefly mentioned to me before that he has meltdowns when he doesn’t get something he wants.

I understand this also, but do worry what would happen should his son have a meltdown while we’re out together. My boyfriend seemed very worried when he mentioned it.

I know a few of my bf’s son’s special interests. I have an Easter Egg to give to him that is related to one of his special interests, and has some of his favourite safe foods inside. Do you think this is an okay way to kind of break the ice before we go out?

I’m also aware he doesn’t speak very well - he isn’t non verbal, but he does struggle to put sentences together and often it’s hard to understand what he’s saying when he speaks. As I mention he spoke a little to me before - it was just a hello, bye bye, and an ‘oh no! what happened!’ when the TV put itself in to standby mode. Would you say it’s more of a case of being patient, asking him to show me if he can what it is he wants.. etc? More like learning to navigate each other’s way of being?

I’m scared of almost babying him, acting like he’s not smart. I don’t want to frustrate or belittle him, but I do want to be able to understand him. Am I thinking too much in to it?

He does seem very comfortable with having time to himself so I’ll be sure to check this with my boyfriend as I mention.

Again thank you so much for such a kind comment, and for taking the time to write it out to me. I hope you don’t mind the few extra questions.

Assuming it is okay with your boyfriend, take cash and buy him candy floss / sweets / ice cream. This was a fast way to win the affections of my SC, all those years ago. 😂

Awww you’ll do great.

I presume your BF will have had some practice taking his boy out alone before you get to join them. So I would say just don’t worry and be led by the parent. You’re obviously keen to learn what to do, which is lovely, so I imagine BF will learn/has learned from the mum and you’ll then learn from BF. Then you’re all on the same page and the consistency will be really helpful.

Update if anyone wondered: his son's mum never showed to drop him off, randomly messaged after ignoring all day to say she took him to the beach (2 hours away). This was my BF's weekend to have his son which makes it harder.. This is the third time she's done it now. I'm so upset but heads up.. it will happen eventually

i’m guessing an acrimonious split and they’re not on good terms

be wary op

I wouldn't say acrimonious.. she isn't too kind to him some of the time but he doesn't ever act that way back. They do get along though. What do you mean by be wary please? What am I to be wary of?

but he doesn't ever act that way back.
that you are aware of op

have you ever met her?

It is perhaps a little difficult as I know my boyfriend hasn’t had the opportunity to take his son out alone before - ie, without his son’s mum. She has been extremely reluctant to let him

come again?

so he never has his child alone but this weekend he was going to for the first time?

spend some time on the step parent forum
especially SMs with children of their own

Woah! I've seen the situations in real time rise where he could retaliate negatively. It almost makes me angry how nice he is to her when she isn't to him.. haha. He does everything for the sake of his son having a peaceful upbringing. We have had so many conversations about this between us two.. & yes I have met her.

Not alone for the first time no, but out doing activities together

you have met his son once

was this when you met the ex too?

and he doesn’t ever have his son alone?

No I met her on a separate occasion. I have no problem with her at all. & no he's been having his son for some weekends for a long time.

so he hasn’t ever taken his son out alone before

and the first time he arranges to, he decides is best time for his girlfriend to join

why? did she ask to meet you?

@brocollilover I'm confused why these questions may be relevant?

My advice really is just never get involved with anyone with DCs 😃

However, if you must, then don’t be a try hard “I love children” type: children hate this. Just speak to him as you would to anyone else, and demonstrate that you are kind