How do I manage my step kids when my baby arrives?

[Youcannotbeserious]

OK, I'd realy like some advice from ex wives and second wives as to what's acceptable here:

I have two step kids, with whom I am close and I have good relationships with. My DH and I have worked hard to maintain that and the kids feel welcome at all times here. DH and I have been together for 10 years.

We are expecting our first baby together in a little under 2 months. We have tried to make sure that the new arrival doesn't impact my step kids (we haven't asked them to share a room even though this means we actually don't have room for a nursery and we haven't considered reducing money to DH's ex even though it does put us under quite a bit of strain...)

So, I do feel I'm doing my bit, IYSWIM...

But the arrangement we have is I pick the kids up on a Friday and DH drops them back on a Sunday (assuming a 'normal' weekend). I've always been more than happy to be involved with pick ups (in fact, being honest, I used to get a bit upset when DH's ex demanded HE picked the kids up even though it put loads of pressure on him and I could have mananged it quite easily) and DH's ex has always been unequivocal that she will NOT drive to drop or collect the kids...

But, once the baby comes, I'm really going to struggle to pick the kids up (they have to be picked up from two separate locations at two separate times which takes, overall around 3 hours)...

Is it unreasonable to tell DH's ex that she is either going to have to (i) look after the kids until DH can collect them (after 8pm on a Friday) or drop them over to me....

I really don't want this to turn into a fight between first and second wives, but would welcome all constructive advice - thanks

I htink it is reasonable to not be able to pick them up, and to ask her to do it, or to wait for dh to do so.

What does your dh think?

how well do you get on with the ex-wife now? Is she in some way excited about the new baby, or does she feel resentful?

If she's ok about everything then she will quite possibly be more than happy to "help out" when you have the new baby, but if she's being awkward, then I think whatever you do will be wrong iykwim.

Congratulations, btw.

LittleRach - DH thinks his Ex won't be particularily happy whatever happens...

Squonk - I get ok with his ex... Only for the sake of the kids, IYSWIM. No, I don't think she's at all excited about the new baby and no, she def. will not be happy to help out... She doesn't like helping out now and it's only her kids in the picture...

It does sound like there's going to have to be a bit of flexibility around the Friday pick-ups at least initially. My own experience was that in the first few weeks I wouldn't have been able to do the ferrying that you're currently doing, but once I'd settled into being a mum and all that entailed it was much easier to think about doing things like this with dd.

You say you might just have to "tell" your dh's x that she is going to "have to". Actually she doesn't HAVE to do anything and approaching it like that might get her back up.

Is is possible for your dh to be more flexible on pick up days? Is there anyone who could have the baby for you while you get them? If not, then the way you put it across to their mum will be crucial I would have thought.

I think it will be important to explain to your sc's as well about any changes. Like you, we tried to make sure that as little as possible changed for dsd when dd arrived, but some change was inevitable. We just always explained to her why things had to change and always emphasised that it wasn't that she was less important than she had been and so on.

Congratulations!

From my experience I agree with squonk as it all depends on ex-wife and her expectations.

On another point, I spent months worrying how dsd would react to new baby sister on the way and she was over the moon!

I think the best way to deal with it would be to discuss it with the kids and see what they suggest. You may be surprised at how perceptive they can be. Also, if they understand that it will be difficult for things to carry on as they have been (without you pushing them out, of course) then they may ask her to drop them off.

Is there any way that they can get to yours via public transport - am assuming that they are both older than ten, but how much older, I don't know, so that may be a ridiculously stupid-shut-up-squonk idea.

Or, if she refuses to bring them, and you realistically can't get them, and she doesn't want dh to get them later - is there another family member or a friend who could step into the breach for a few months?

SM - I agree... she doesn't actually HAVE to do anything....

I'm afraid there is absolutely no flexibility for DH to be free earlier (though there is a reasonable chance he could be delayed, which does add a further complication)

Yes, I could try to organise a babysitter to look after the baby while I pick up the kids, but I may have a CS in which case I can't drive...

(BTW, I am only talking about the first few weeks... Once the summer holidays have been and gone, I'm happy to assume that we'll all be in enough of a routine whereby I'll be able to cope with collecting the DSDs from wherever even with the baby....)

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

When our first baby together was born my dh was obviously very keen for it all to remain the same, and to a certain extent it did but pick ups had to change for just a few weeks. They became slightly later and my dh would do it after work, we did think about asking his ex wife to help more but we knew she was feeling odd about the baby and it would just be like rubbing salt in the wound.

Do you not have family members that could not help for maybe just a few weeks?

I do understand how you feel and I have often felt slightly resentful about how it is ALWAYS us doing pick ups and drop offs, but now my ds is older and doing after school activities etc I realise how much running around she must do all week! (Doesn't stop me feeling all on a Friday night sometimes though!]

Ok, so it does look like for the first few weeks they'll have to be collected by your dh and later than usual if necessary.

Maybe your best bet would be to explain to her that that's how you're going to have to play it for, and see if she suggests bringing them herself.

Ok I'm not really in a position to advise as my dp's ex personifies unreasonableness but you say 'tell' her that she has to bring them to you but how about approaching her yourself and 'asking' her if she might do you the courtesy of dropping them over for a month or so until you get to grips with having a new baby around?

It might be worth while asking her advice on how her dc's are taking the idea of having a new sibling too. I think that one of the biggest fears that first wives have is that their dc's will play second fiddle to the new child. I will bet that trying to ameliorate her fears would go a long way to easing the situation.

I think she nees to be alot mroe flexible.

If you are trying hard to keep everything the same (no nursery for baby, so they have a room each) then she should not use the children as a 'pawn' between her and your dh.

do you have to keep the money the same? isn;t there someting about payments reducing if there is another child? I think its great you are keeping payments the same but if it causes a struggle financially then she will have to be more accepting. expecially if you already pay above CSA requirments?

Enjoy your new baby and don't let her take the magic away.

xxxxx

Thanks for the advice...

JHAM - Yes, we could go back for a reduction, but no-one wants that... The last thing either Dh or I would want is a tangible negative effect on the DSDs and that's what would happen if there was a reduction in money.

Carmenere - Thanks,it's nice to meet someone in a similar position I'm afraid I wouldn't approach Dh's ex personally, it wouldn't go well. The last time I tried to call her (about arranging to pick up DSD2) she put the phone down on me and I was really nice (honest, I was!).

SM - I think you are probably on the money... I need to stick to what I 'have' to do (what I can and can't do) and leave the rest to her to decide how she wants to play it...

good luck YCBS, i hope everything works out well for you xxxxx

Dsd's mum would never speak to me either. It didn't matter how nice I was - not that I was ever horrible - she just refused. It was only last year that the ice thawed and she started speaking to me. She told me that I had never done anything wrong, that it was all her stuff - which must have been a huge thing for her to admit to - and it was really nice to hear that. I was pleased I'd never lost my cool with her, and boy did she try to provoke me (on the odd occasion when she spoke at me).

I think this is deffo one of those situations where you need to think "what is in my sphere of control?" What isn't within your control is how she will behave; whether she will offer to help out or not. So do what you can and don't worry about what she will or won't do.

Thanks SM - very wise!

For us too, it's only been the last year where 'relations' have thawed to the extent that I would pick the kids up etc.

We can all go to the kids activities and actually make conversation which is nice, but all 'arrangements' are still between DH and Ex (actually, they are between DH and his elder daughter... His ex doesn't like speaking to him either!)

Thanks again, I will take your advice!

Hi, sounds v similar! My DSS mum would NEVER speak to me, and I vividly remember accidentally locking my 2 week old (1st born) DD in the car while attempting to do the school run for DSS!!!! The caretaker got her out before she even woke up, I however was a total wreck and convinced I was the worst mother ever.... However, if their mother has not been reasonable till now (and my dss mother i believe never will be) then sadly I doubt the birth of "your" child will change that. Can anyone else do the run? Is their any way a cab could do it? Although a 3 hour trip sounds too costly. Is their any way round it u can see where u don't have to go and someone else can? But, u can only do what u can do. If there is no other alternative, than it will have to wait until ure dh can go. I personally would try friends, relatives, those organisations like "universal aunts" and there is another one that was originally set up for forces, but now is for anyone, to keep your dsk lives the same and lessen the time u will spend stressing when u should be wrapped up in ure new baby. Good luck!

Hope you fare better than I did with DP's ex witch.
Here's a little bit about how she behaved...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1371&threadid=399560#8129614
Sorry to be so gloomy but really fucking hacked off atm

Thanks Elenor.... I do appreciate why you are so hacked off with things at the moment... How long have you and your DP been together? It can't be easy coping with the baby AND his divorce... I don't envy you!!

it's slightly different for me - DH and I have been together for 10 years and I've been about since the kids were in nappies themselves... I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that DH's Ex usually makes plans on the Friday nights the kids are here and I don't think it's particularily unreasonable for her not to give a flying fig about my baby (in fact, I'd prefer her not to )

In our case, we're only talking about 2 months max and I think we'll muddle through somehow... I think SurferMum has the right idea: Don't EXPECT or demand anything from the ex and things will probably go better!!!

And, as I said, relations are better now than they ever have been and that's really not something i want to jepordise!!

YCBS when the baby comes believe you me, unless you are an absolute wonderwoman you will not be able to keep up the pickups. The first two months with a newborn are really really tough, especially the first few weeks. You need to have another arrangement in place, maybe employ a childminder/after school club to look after the kids until your DH or someone else can pick them up. You could ask the ex on the premise if you dont ask you wont receive, only you could gauge whether that would be worth the breath. Personally hell would freeze over before asked anything of DP's ex. She's a horrible selfish manipulative person who demands favours all one way, doesnt know the meaning of the word agreement and never ever reciprocates on favours we have done her.
So in short, make other arrangements as its highly probable that you will not be able to perform the tasks you have done.
The pressure of DP's ex messing around and dumping DP's DD on us, left me with PND and on medication. Having the stress of a newborn is more than enough without additional external stress.

Sorry about the tone of my post yesterday, DP's ex was up to her usual ffing tricks which really stressed me out. Feeling better now though

Good Luck xxx

Sorry, what I meant was what does your DH htink should happen re picking up his children?
Could he speak with his ex and see if there can be a temporary arrangement?
You semm really positive which is great for all of oyu.
I have to say that when I had dd1 I could no way have spent 3 hours in th ecar with her thouguh.

YCBS just another thought...
I showed this thread to my DP and he said without hesitation that it's your DH's responsibility to sort out the pickups when the baby arrives, either by reducing his hours or sorting out other childcare arrangements. He unequivocal that you should not be left to worry about this or sort it out.
Also what about paternity leave? How long will your DH be taking. My DP took 2 weeks paternity leave followed by 2 weeks annual leave, so his was with me and DD for a whole month after the birth, which was invaluable. If your DH could do something similar he could sort out the pickups himeslef for the first month.

Once again Good Luck and Take Care x

I find it a little strange, that you, as a new mum, is the one who has to handle the problem of picking up your husbands children. Where is he in the whole equation? A new dad who cannot be home early with his wife and newborn, and might even be later than 8? And leaves it to his wife to work out how to pick up his children in the middle of all this?

I am sorry, but this should not be your problem, this is something your husband has to involve himself in.

Congratulations by the way!

As a dsd myself I do wonder why your dh can't pick up his children himself, even if it is only for a few weeks. AFter all presumably his work pattern will have to change for a while when the new baby arrives. My stepmother never picked me up and although we got on ok I would have been upset if she collected me rather than my dad.

On a completely different note - please try to ensure that your stepchildren hear about the new baby's arrival realativley quickly from their father and not (as I did) three days later from a work collegue of his who saw my mother in the pub and mentioned it to her. I was 18 and not exactly chuffed that I didn't even rate a phone call on the birth of a new sibling.

It sounds as if everyone would be happier if he picked them up. She would like it, it would be easier for you and I daresay the kids would like it too.