How do I manage my step kids when my baby arrives?

[Youcannotbeserious]

OK, I'd realy like some advice from ex wives and second wives as to what's acceptable here:

I have two step kids, with whom I am close and I have good relationships with. My DH and I have worked hard to maintain that and the kids feel welcome at all times here. DH and I have been together for 10 years.

We are expecting our first baby together in a little under 2 months. We have tried to make sure that the new arrival doesn't impact my step kids (we haven't asked them to share a room even though this means we actually don't have room for a nursery and we haven't considered reducing money to DH's ex even though it does put us under quite a bit of strain...)

So, I do feel I'm doing my bit, IYSWIM...

But the arrangement we have is I pick the kids up on a Friday and DH drops them back on a Sunday (assuming a 'normal' weekend). I've always been more than happy to be involved with pick ups (in fact, being honest, I used to get a bit upset when DH's ex demanded HE picked the kids up even though it put loads of pressure on him and I could have mananged it quite easily) and DH's ex has always been unequivocal that she will NOT drive to drop or collect the kids...

But, once the baby comes, I'm really going to struggle to pick the kids up (they have to be picked up from two separate locations at two separate times which takes, overall around 3 hours)...

Is it unreasonable to tell DH's ex that she is either going to have to (i) look after the kids until DH can collect them (after 8pm on a Friday) or drop them over to me....

I really don't want this to turn into a fight between first and second wives, but would welcome all constructive advice - thanks

I think it's quite a difficult judgement to make whether someone can alter their working pattern or not without knowing more detail.

Dh is self-employed - if he doesn't work we don't eat (well that's a bit dramatic but YKWIM). In his last business he had customers he couldn't let down and the nature of the business meant we never knew when he would be home. It could be 2pm on a day he was picking dsd up, it could be 9pm. The fact that he was often late picking dsd up wasn't a reflection on the sort of Dad he is.

If on the Fridays he was getting dsd he could switch to a job where he could "clock off" at 1pm so he could be at the school gates to get dsd he would have done. And it was the same when dd was born, he had to have the minimal amount of time off - he didn't get paternity leave or annual leave. It doesn't mean he didn't care or wasn't supportive to me, it was what we had to do to keep afloat financially.

Surfermum, it certainly is a difficult one for you all. I can understand about your DH being self employed and therefore not able to take time off etc.

I think that you may have to play it by ear when the time comes, do you pick your dsc's up from school?

I find with our situation that some of the problems I can see from all sides and cannot come up with a suitable or fair solution, perhaps that's just how it is with step families.

fwiw I think you sound like a great stepmum and your dh like a great Dad I hope that the situation is sorted without too much difficulty for you.

If the journey is three hours on occasion then I cannot see any point in putting a baby through that on a regular basis. You can't have them in the seat for that long, poor thing. New circumstances new arrangements imo.

Surfermum I do see your point about self employed dads, but still the basic point I and my DP make is that YCBS's DSC's are ultimately the responsibility of their biological parents when push comes to shove.
One cannot rely on ex's to be reasonable, therefore it is up to the other biological parent to make things work in times of adversity.

The way I look at it is that we have to balance dsd's needs with dd's needs, and where dsd is concerned - now that things are better with dsd's mum - we are a team of 3. That doesn't mean I overstep the mark, there are still things that are not my territory at all.

But I'm not sure if that dealing with this out is actually an issue for YCBS, I don't read it that her dh has left it to her to sort out what is going to happen, I read it that she just came on here for opinions about what was reasonable.

She'll be along in a minute and put me right now .

I also think that it is important that dsc are treated normally, not with kid gloves. If they were your children then you would ask them to share a room. I do not see the point of two rooms left empty most of the time whilst you are stuffing all the baby's bits into your room presumably. I mean, how long can that go on for?

Thanks for all the advice.

Elenor - I do, of course, agree with your point that it's up to the biological parents.... it's just up to now, I've been more than happy to help out and I suppose I don't want to come across as really unhelpful / unreasonable now I have a baby

Surfermum - You are (again!) right on the money! DH hasn't 'left it to me' - I am just looking for advice before it becomes an issue!!

I know a few people have said it's up to my DH, but this simply not a solution for us. It's not negotiable for him to be home on a Friday. While it was, we did work it so that he picked up the kids, but his Ex does realise that this is not possible at the moment and that's why I do the pick up.

to be fair to DH's Ex, she hasn't actually said she won't be a bit more flexible for a few weeks, I'm just thinking of our options before the baby is here....

BTW, DH isn't taking paternity leave or annual leave for the birth either He doesn't get paternity leave and his annual leave is required so that he can see his kids in the summer holidays.

I know that this isn't an ideal situation, so I'm really just looking for advice re how best to handle it!

Elenor - Hope your DP's Ex isn't giving you hassle still. Your DD is GORGEOUS and I love the picture of your DDog (I have a labrador who is my current baby!

"it's just up to now, I've been more than happy to help out and I suppose I don't want to come across as really unhelpful / unreasonable now I have a baby"

I understand your point, but you will have to be prepared to redefine boundaries once you have your own child to look after or you will find that you and your child miss out at the expense of your DH, your stepchildren and even his ex-wife

It might be quite difficult (I did find it so at first) but you need to get your head around the idea that you aren't being unreasonable by stopping doing things for your stepchildren that you did before having your own child.

Thanks Anna.

BBS - I do see your point, but it seems silly to move the kids into one room (which would not be straightforward) when I fully intend to have the baby in with me for the first 6-8 months (by which time we (hopefully!) will have bought a larger house.

In agreement with others re your dh doing more. You have behaved above and beyond the call of duty by them for about 10 years by the sound of it so it's not unreasonable to expect him to do his bit.

Also, if you haven't told the step k's already that about the bedroom situation, you might want to reconsider. Unless you are planning on moving house, baby will need a bedroom in the very near future and it is easier to set a precedent sooner rather than later. They get particularly tricky about such things as they advance into the teenage years.

The one piece of advice I would give, which comes from bitter experience, is don't commit yurself to anything until after the baby is born. It is highly possible you will feel completely differently about your step ks when you have your own child.

Good luck!

Wow, did you really feel different about your stepchildren after having your own groovy? What changed? I must say, nothing changed for me in terms of how I felt about dsd after I had dd, apart from the fact I felt like we had an even greater bond because of dd.

If everyone could start from the position of trying to minimise the impact on the kids then it might be easier. You are then asking her to help her kids out rather than you?

can i ask why he's not getting paternity leave?? (if it's not too personal)

Duo - My Dh works abroad, if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid!!

Beansprout - I wish it were that easy.... I'm afraid it seems his ex's starting position is pretending I'm not pregnant...

I just read a really interesting thread about mums who really resent their ex partners getting married / having new families etc., and I wonder if that is what is happening with us?

My DH's ex just will not acknowledge me at the moment, even though up to now, we've got on OK for the kids and I'm actually looking after the kids on my own for quite a bit of the time now (she's also abroad)...

I'm really trying to make this as easy as possible on everyone, but I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that DH's ex just doesn't want it to be OK (maybe for the kids too?) because she's not happy with the whole thing....

Her own marriage broke down very soon after having kids (she moved out when LO was around 2months old as far as I know) and I think maybe this is bringing a lot of bad memories back for her??????? Anyone?

I'd really like to make this as stress-free as possible but just getting the feeling that this isn't going to be possible if DSD's mum is going to find issue with everything, regardless of what I do.

YCBS I really admire your approach in this. I come from a "broken home" (How I hate that term)... and I know from a child's point of view how important it is that these arrangements should be made so that the children don't feel like burdens to be shifted.

I also am a mum and know how tricky it is to have a lo.. and how important that you should have time to quietly bond with lo without having to stress about lifts.

Depending on their ages, I definitely agree to talk to the dsc. Tell them you might have a CS and what that will involve and how that might impact on driving. BTW do you talk about the new baby as their new sibling? Then reassure them that you and DP and their mum will do whatever you can to keep their arrangements as smooth as possible. You might find you will get loads of sympathy and even good suggestions from them.

I would have loved to have had you as a stepmum I think.

Thanks FFT.......

the kids are in double figures and seem OK with the baby, and we've told them (and shown them!) as strongly as we can that things won't change for them... So they are keeping their own rooms etc.,

I'm considering hiring a part time nanny / home help (assuming I can find one - this is not proving as easy as it sounds) to help....

I think things will work out much better than you think... specially now I know they are in double figures. Perhaps all you need to find is a driver you can trust?

Also remember... you are and have been doing the best you can. You cannot take responsibility for another woman's issues and stresses.... nevermind how valid or whatever. You can feel sympathy for her but you cannot change things. Things are now how they are. If she cannot move on, you just continue to be the caring stepmom that you obviously are. I also get the impression that you would never bad mouth their mother and that also counts in your favour.

Just be yourself and continue as you have been. I do hope this works out for you and that you have a wonderful time with your own lo when the time comes.