New to this - advice needed (teen SKs)

[secondtimelucky17]

Hi,

I am looking for advice. Background info… I (f36) do not have my own kids but hope to eventually. My partner (m39) and I just moved in together, they have moved in with me. He has 2 teenagers (m19 and f17)
The move was staggered with his son being the last to move in just 3 weeks ago.
My partner and his ex still maintain 50/50.

I have no issues with his kids, we get on really well and apart from a few small gripes

The challenge is that both SKs are used to having their gf and bf come over and stay occasionally each week. I do not have an issue with this as such but I have become aware that when this happens I feel completely overwhelmed and uncomfortable in my own home.

Following my divorce ive had a 3 bed house to myself, with one room as my office as I wfh full time. I now work in the dining room.

SS said his gf was coming over on Tuesday afternoon to study and have dinner. I went to bed early as wasn’t feeling great. SS asked his dad if she could stay and they would be away mid morning as she has uni. DP came to bed and told me after he had spoken with his son and asked me if it’s ok. ’. He said they would be away by 11am. These situations make me uncomfortable because what am I meant to say?

The next day they did stay in his room apart from going to the kitchen to make food but they didn’t leave until about 5pm.

I know I might be unreasonable with this but I am ultra aware of people being in the house and I feel like I am tip toeing about. I’ve obviously met his gf a few times, but she is still a stranger to me so having her here for over 24 hours made me feel really awkward.

Both SKs are back with us for the weekend and DP informed me that SD’s bf would be coming round and SS’s gf probably would too. I couldn’t fake it and I did say it makes me uncomfortable and like an outsider. That going from just me to 4 people is hard but with their bf / gf is just really overwhelming for me. I told DP that’s their gf / bf can come as me telling him how I feel wasn’t me saying no. I just need him to know how it makes me feel and this is going to take time for me to adjust. Maybe I was in the wrong for communicating this to DP!

He says he understands but kept flipping it to how they feel and how they have given up everything. I know they have given up a lot but I feel I have too and I don’t think asking for time for me to get used to things is too much. Is it?
DP said they have been here for a while now. it’s maybe been 6 weeks since DP and SD moved in and 3 weeks since SS moved in. I don’t think this is a long time!

Anyway, We got into it quite bad and there is still tension this morning. He said he is going to tell them not to bring their gf / bf tonight but I feel this is going to make me the monster. I actually feel like I can’t win.

Sorry…that was a bit of a long rant.

Does anyone have any advice? I am aware I might be the one being unreasonable but I also can’t help how I feel.

Do I just need to suck this up and deal with the discomfort? Or am I right to speak up and try to find a way to make this less uncomfortable?

I believe in open communication but do I need to rein it in and keep these feelings to myself?

@Springtime43 OP has said if they stop 50:50 they will probably move in full-time

I take it that basically, you are ok with him and two kids moving in, but you are getting him and 4 kids.

You have hit the nail on the head with this. This is exactly how I feel

YABU. The SKs had their BF/GFs over before you moved in. Why should they change? You're the grown up, you should have anticipated.

I'm not sure why the 50:50 is proving so controversial. Yes they are older teens but both in full time education so not in a position to get their own places. Isn't it a good thing that both parents still want to be involved (and therefore continue to share the financial responsibility) and the kids still want to spend time with both? If the kids wanted just one base then no one would stop them but they don't 🤷‍♀️

Well aren't you helpful. The OP couldn't anticipate how she would find it as she has never been in a situation like it. No kids.

And in any case she is not coping. That's a fact that can't be invalidated or ignored.

If it goes tits up they are all out without a house. I think some constructive help would be better than just some YABU response

I think then a frank discussion as a family is the way forward.

Sit down and explain to both kids and DP what your boundaries are. Explain that you're feeling uncomfortable in your own home. If the kids are reasonable then they should understand. As for DP he's being an ae and needs to start listening. You are giving them the option of having their partners over but likely separate for now and they can stay but on when you're not working. Also have a curfew type thing where they have to be gone by x time. This way you get your bedtime routine to yourself. I have this with DH we can have family/friends over but only until 10 when either of us is working and weekends are decided at the time and if it's both of us entertaining or just one of us. (How dull are we) but this allows us to have our own space and privacy.

Having read further on the thread I think you all need to have a chat about household chores, what needs done, when etc too. It's unfair you do so much. Also about getting things done and them having a lie in just get on with what needs done. Don't tip toe around it's your home.

Without doing any of the above the relationship is likely doomed as you'll feel resentment towards the kids and DP. That or DP will learn that you're a pushover and start to dictate other things too. Moving in together is always a compromise and everyone should have to compromise on something. Nip it all in the bud now and stand your ground.

I'm now thinking you haven't thought this through properly or discussed it before the actual move. Don't be afraid to say actually this isn't working for me and without them compromising on somethings then they will all have to move elsewhere. It is still your home.

kids, step-kids, new situation, or lifelong, I wouldn’t be ok with feeling like I was living in a student flat share just because I have a 19yo in my house. Running into a boyfriend or girlfriend before I have had my morning coffee would be very stressful. I know this about myself, which is why I am using my economic privilege to aggressively save so that dc can live in a student flat share at university, not in my house. They can have all the overnights they want as long as I don’t have to deal with the people the next day.

the problem you are facing is that the father is ok with overnights. He set the precedent and it isn’t their fault that he moved houses. He could have just waited a few more years for them to be independent and then the two of you could have moved in together without nearly as many complications.

there really isn’t any way for you to not get the blame for a rule change. The kids are going to make the connection no matter how dad tries to spin it. The only thing you need to ask yourself is if it is worth a bit of discomfort with them to get some peace and quiet.

They moved into the OPs house not the other way around. I do agree though this should have been a discussion before the actual move.

Also an initial trial would have been a better option. DP keeps his house on for a few months and see how things are going. If all well then a permanent move if not then keep things as they are until SKs are more independent. This is what I done initially with DH when we first talked about moving together. It allowed us to see if our lives were compatible without the extra stress of having nowhere else to go. No SK involvement but I was wary as I had lived alone for so long that I was worried I would hate it.

@badrelationship we did have the discussion before hand. I said in principle I didn't have an issue with it eventually but I need time to adjust to it being us 4 first. They had agreed to alternate so it wasn't too overwhelming but after a few weeks it's falling by the way side.

I think the SKs will be understanding. They really are lovely. I just feel DP tries to please them all the time but I don't think it's fair that he agrees to things to please them when he knows I'm uncomfortable. It's not as if I haven't been very open about it and that I need time to adjust, making them happy no matter what seems to be his priority which is fine but I need to consider if that's going to work for me 🤷‍♀️

He doesn't have your back - don't forget, it's your house and ultimately you've done him a huge favour by allowing him to move in.

Have to say it does sound as if, all things considered, you're doing fabulously well! The kids were happy to make the move (so you probably do have a bit of leeway to ask for a few compromises). They like you. They feel at home enough already in the new house to bring their BF/GF over. You and DP share the chores reasonably well (he cooks, you clean). The kids clear up after themselves. And you have a longer term plan for a garden office, which should help. I think you should give yourself a pat on the back and agree a few compromises directly with the DSC (agree, it's better to do things yourself so it doesn't sound like you're telling tales).
Arrange a good night out with a friend some time when the DSC, to give yourself a break. And make sure you and DP have a date night at times too. It will get easier and feel like your house again, albeit a family home now.

And also, please don't listen to posters on this thread who tell you it's "your" house and you've done him a favour by "allowing" him to move in. With us, it was me moving into DP's house (as it was bigger). I shudder to think he should ever have felt he was doing me some kind of favour or that the house was "his" with his rules going. It's still legally owned by him, but it's very much our joint home. Everyone needs to feel at home in their own home (including kids of course), not the they're being tolerated in someone else's house. Sounds you have your head on straight, but you do get some odd folks on MN!

They are his kids. They should come first. Of course he’s going to try to make them happy before you.

Is this really a relationship you want to continue? Your entire house and life has been taken over by your SK and their BF/GF. I think I would ask all of them, including your partner, to move out. If you want to continue the relationship with each of you living in your own homes, that could work. It sounds as though your partner has landed himself in a field of flowers

The maddest thing here is your partner gave up a council house. ..a secure for life tenancy !