New to this - advice needed (teen SKs)

[secondtimelucky17]

Hi,

I am looking for advice. Background info… I (f36) do not have my own kids but hope to eventually. My partner (m39) and I just moved in together, they have moved in with me. He has 2 teenagers (m19 and f17)
The move was staggered with his son being the last to move in just 3 weeks ago.
My partner and his ex still maintain 50/50.

I have no issues with his kids, we get on really well and apart from a few small gripes

The challenge is that both SKs are used to having their gf and bf come over and stay occasionally each week. I do not have an issue with this as such but I have become aware that when this happens I feel completely overwhelmed and uncomfortable in my own home.

Following my divorce ive had a 3 bed house to myself, with one room as my office as I wfh full time. I now work in the dining room.

SS said his gf was coming over on Tuesday afternoon to study and have dinner. I went to bed early as wasn’t feeling great. SS asked his dad if she could stay and they would be away mid morning as she has uni. DP came to bed and told me after he had spoken with his son and asked me if it’s ok. ’. He said they would be away by 11am. These situations make me uncomfortable because what am I meant to say?

The next day they did stay in his room apart from going to the kitchen to make food but they didn’t leave until about 5pm.

I know I might be unreasonable with this but I am ultra aware of people being in the house and I feel like I am tip toeing about. I’ve obviously met his gf a few times, but she is still a stranger to me so having her here for over 24 hours made me feel really awkward.

Both SKs are back with us for the weekend and DP informed me that SD’s bf would be coming round and SS’s gf probably would too. I couldn’t fake it and I did say it makes me uncomfortable and like an outsider. That going from just me to 4 people is hard but with their bf / gf is just really overwhelming for me. I told DP that’s their gf / bf can come as me telling him how I feel wasn’t me saying no. I just need him to know how it makes me feel and this is going to take time for me to adjust. Maybe I was in the wrong for communicating this to DP!

He says he understands but kept flipping it to how they feel and how they have given up everything. I know they have given up a lot but I feel I have too and I don’t think asking for time for me to get used to things is too much. Is it?
DP said they have been here for a while now. it’s maybe been 6 weeks since DP and SD moved in and 3 weeks since SS moved in. I don’t think this is a long time!

Anyway, We got into it quite bad and there is still tension this morning. He said he is going to tell them not to bring their gf / bf tonight but I feel this is going to make me the monster. I actually feel like I can’t win.

Sorry…that was a bit of a long rant.

Does anyone have any advice? I am aware I might be the one being unreasonable but I also can’t help how I feel.

Do I just need to suck this up and deal with the discomfort? Or am I right to speak up and try to find a way to make this less uncomfortable?

I believe in open communication but do I need to rein it in and keep these feelings to myself?

Jesus Christ OP. So, him and his children have moved into your house and he is already trying to stomp over your boundaries after just 6 WEEKS. Do not let him manipulate you into accepting anything you don't like. It would have being a condition of mine when he/they moved in... no overnight stays for bf's or gf's until I, the homeowner feel comfortable with it.
These fathers always land on their feet don't they? They nearly always find easy going, malleable women whose houses they and their children can take over don't they?
Speak up for yourself.

@Fireyflies I think this is what has got me
In knots. They didn't choose the move but I know SD was really excited about it so I don't want to ruin anything BUT I also feel like they are old enough to understand and accept that sometimes you don't always get what you want all the time

Thank you all for your messages and helping me see that I am not in the wrong for feeling how I am, that changes are ok but I need to be sensitive to SK as they didn't choose this.

DP and I have spoken and agreed I'll talk to SKs this weekend about how I feel and could use their support to ease me in.
I've told him that we will all have to make small compromises. I.e they alter which night / weekend the gf / bf stay and only for 1 night. No mid week stays. He was on board with this.

Hopefully this is progress and with time we find a natural rhythm.

Apart from these issues he really is a great guy and his kids are amazing so I want to make this work and not give up at the first signs of problems

Hello OP, do you read? If so there is a book called "Stepmonster" that I found incredibly helpful when I was about a year into my journey. A key part I remember was that it's important that you have your own space to retreat to.

@waterlellon yes I do and I will download this book now.

My own space to retreat is becoming more and more of a priority. Thank you 🙂

Nor necessarily. It’s the having the same contact arrangement in place at 19 that’s weird. How it changes will depend on circumstances.

in this particular situation, this man has chosen to move in to his GF’s house. Expecting her to make her house a student flat share is unreasonable. No amount of ‘but they’re my kids’ changes that.

Jesus.

Who holds their father responsible for choosing this? Why is it the OP’s responsibility to put herself out even further.

These aren’t 4 and 6 year olds. One is an adult. If he doesn’t like his father’s change of circumstances, it’s but the OP’s job to fix that.

@ClutchingOurBananas
While it is a bit strange it's what the SKs choose to do. No one is enforcing it and it does flex if it suits the SKs but they are in a routine they are happy with.

If they are happy with it and enjoy spending time with both parents then that can only be a good thing.

The student flat share is what needs to stop. SSs gf lives in a student flat share so I think they try to avoid it but it just makes my home feel like one. Well to me anyway

I hope you manage to work things out as right now I don’t see this working for you.
SK continuing 50/50 is perfectly normal and what my similar age DC still do. After years of 50/50 you can’t expect them to suddenly not live with one parent.
You are essentially living with 3 other adults now and I just don’t see that as working for you. You would have been better just continuing to date.

That's what I thought. They haven't actually given up anything. In fact they've moved to a bigger house. You've done them a massive favour letting them move in with you and it sounds like it's just been taken for granted.

My DSS17 lives with us full time and has his GF over a couple of times a week but she never stays over. The only time she has is when DH and I were away for the weekend. DSS has never asked for her to stay over either as they both usually have work/college the next day.

And paying rent I'd assume.

I think you need to speak to your SKs and explain how you're feeling. From the sounds of things they seem like they will understand.

I would set rules that they can have their partners stay over but will have to be one night each and can only be if/when you're not working. Any other time then can only be for a couple of hours at a time. Explain once you're feeling more settled you can review this.

I think your DP is being really unfair. Did you have the SKs staying over when you lived apart? Was any of this discussed before they all moved in? I think you need more than just a garden office, what about a proper space that gives you extra living space. Put a sofa and tv out there with mini fridge this gives you or them a place to retreat to. (Neighbours have this and the teenage kids use this they have a pool table etc out there). The other option would be to move to a bigger place with more space.

I know you said you're keen for kids of your own but is your DP on board? I think you really need to think of current living arrangements and think will this work long term with a new baby and family of your own. I understand SKs will be moving on at some stage but will this be in time for you to be able to have your own family?

When we had step kids staying as teenagers what I found difficult was less the girlfriends staying - - they ranged from lovely to we never saw them, just knew they had stayed over. It was the chores, the chopping and changing as to who was in for tea - and making sure I wasn't taking all that on.

Don't end up as the landlady doing everything for them.

@KK05 yes he is on board with having another kid. Time obviously isn't on our side but we are both on the same page on this one.
We have discussed moving to a bigger place in the next year or so but that doesn't fix the here and now issues.

I do have the garden space for something more than a garden office or both and it's something we will defo consider but I don't want this to be a sticking plaster for the main issue is no boundaries or only me compromising

@BarrelOfOtters the individuals I don't have an issue with and are pleasent. They are in their rooms a lot so I feel that I am being unreasonable sometimes but none the less I am aware and feel I need to tip toe about and feel far less relaxed. Especially in the mornings when they are all having a lie in and I want to get up and on with things like housework etc

DP does the cooking 99% of the time but SS cooks for himself a lot. The SKs do their own dishes to the point I find petty. If it's not theirs they won't wash it. Very student accommodation like

DP and I share the house work but I do the laundry and probably most of the house work, mainly because it's my home and work I like it clean and tidy

I honestly don't think I would have let them move in, in your position.

I have been thinking this through constantly and I feel I need to chat with DP again. He says he understands my position but just wants his kids to be happy.

While I understand this, his need to make them happy is putting me in a situation where I will only be the bad person.

Take the gf staying over last minute. If he had said to his son, no not tonight, xx is working tomorrow, he would have been showing me his support and setting some boundaries. However he didn't, he agreed and just said remember xx is working here tomorrow. So know if we say to the kids, no overnight stays during the week...guess who looks bad...me! SS will then know it's me that has the problem. I need DP to change is attitude and actually set some boundaries and support me rather than just letting SK do what they want when they want

Also I wouldn't be tiptoeing around - it's your house, which you pay for.

How much do step kids do round the house, are they working or at college?

This!

And I echo the comments about 50/50 being crazy at their ages

You won’t change your DP attitude as he clearly don’t mind his kids bf/gf being around. No matter what it will be obvious it’s you who isn’t happy.

Im not sure what you expected living 50/50 with a step kid that’s 19. It was obvious he was going to want his gf around and it’s pretty normal. It may be your house but it’s now his home half the time as well.

@crumblingschools they keep their own rooms clean, SS cooks him own meals most of the times and they both do their dishes.

They will help if asked but they don't have chores as such.

Both in full time education

@2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3
This is just a new thing with his gf so a change for DP too. SDs bf staying is just fairly recent too as her mum allowed it so DP caved too. Before he would come round a couple of times a week for dinner then go home.

When we were discussing moving in, DP asked if I was ok with it. I said in principle yes but give me time. I don't feel like I'm being given time.

I think you need to set some ground rules and stick to them. Maybe say they can stay over one night a week? Or whatever suits you.

I also think you should say a clear yes or no. I don’t think it’s fair to say, I’m not saying no but I’m uncomfortable. How will that help anyone? What can they do differently if they know you’re uncomfortable? You either let them stay and accept it or say no.

Also I do think you were mad to all move in together under the circumstances but you’ve done it now.

Ok so how about they stay at the OPs house 100% of the time?