Instant bad mood whenever DSC here

[Doooolittle]

Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like every week on the days DSC stay my mood instantly plummets and I just can't wait for it to be over.

I don't know quite how to explain it but the house just feels weird like there is a sort of stranger living in it for a few days and like I can't fully relax.

I am always friendly, I don't outwardly show this but I feel like the whole time I'm just counting down the minutes.

What l don't understand is the rush to blend?
Surely it's better to wait until kids are older, less complicated?
Why can't partners just date and stay in their own homes?
I raised my children on my own, l couldn't stand another adult here getting in the way and messing with our routines. I certainly couldn't stand the idea of having his kids here as well.
I think people are so desperate not to be alone they jump in too quick.

What I don't understand the rush to settle down and procreate with people who you won't stay with.
Surely it's better to wait until you are emotionally mature enough to choose a suitable partner.

I think people are so desperate to have kids they jump in too quick.

Yes… but usually they think and say they are awesome

My DP said and says he’s a great dad but to him that’s because his kids love him not because he does the admin, organises uniforms, creates great healthy meals etc. so it’s easy to blame the woman but it’s not straightforward and you need to have a lot more empathy

Not as simple as that is it. My ex husband was charm personified until I got pregnant and then beat the shit out of me frequently so I left with my DS.

My point exactly. Life is not that simple.

Look at the post I was quoting.

Exactly. These men obviously hoodwinked DSC mum enough to have one or more children with them. Yet their next partner is magically supposed to see right through them despite them saying all the right things and not actually being able to meet his DC for least 12-18 months (according to some on here anyway). Not talking about the obvious wrong-uns e.g where they don’t bother seeing their DC and aren’t fighting to, but then if they’re that blase about their own children I honestly can’t believe there were no indications beforehand as to their character before they became fathers. That still doesn’t necessarily mean it’s anyone’s fault though.

There were red flags all over my ExH but I didn’t see them, not because I was ignoring them but because I’d had an abusive childhood so I literally couldn’t see them. It’s a bit victim blaming only holding step parents to account for their choices when they’re only human like anyone else.

Completely understand. My dh's now adult children were aged 7-13 when we met. They lived with their mum but one year into our marriage, she remarried and moved far away.

They moved in full time with me and my kids.. I tried to make it work but despite having plenty of time alone with their dad, they simply didn't want to live with us and made life impossible, almost killing our pet who had to have a life saving op. I grew so resentful of dh trying to appease them no matter what.

So I probably shouldn't have married a man with kids but had no way of knowing how they would react living with us full time. In the same way as a new mother doesn't know what it's like living with a baby.. but without the parental love you have for your child that makes it easier.

I'm sure that a lot of step fathers feel similarly, longing for the weekends when the step kids go to their own father and the house feels like their own.

And to add that my step kids' mum caused resentment by taking issue with every penny dh spent on me and my kids and pointing it out to her children, causing them to resent me.

Ironically my dh had a much easier time with my kids. He always wanted them at home and now as adults my own children are probably closer to him than they are to me! I guess there was no jealousy.

I think it's rare, but I grew up with a stepmum and was really happy. She's still one of my favourite people now, and is a fantastic grandma to my children.

The main reason, I think, is that my stepmum made a huge effort with us, and my dad always treated us as a priority. My stepsiblings were all a few years older than us, so jealousy wasn't an issue. And they had no children together (I was terrified of this happening as a child and don't think I would have coped).

I didn't realise how lucky I was until I came on mumsnet and read some of the stepparent threads! After hearing other people's experiences, I wouldn't consider it as an option for myself.

I actually don't think it is that rare.

All the step mums I know in real life are pretty happy and none of the mums of children with step parents I know in real life have the ridiculous expectations of their children's step mums I've seen on here.

A lot of people who post on mumsnet are quite odd.

Sorry the ony times I have seen ridculous expectations quoted - is when they are said by the SMs themselves. The trotting out of the cliches tjustify a view point is used as a defection mechanism.

I think most parents in a bended situation want their child to be treated kindly by their SM or SD and equitable to al the children in that hosuehold.

My gosh, THANKYOU for this thread, and for those who have been brave enough to share that spending lots of time with their partners children can make them feel anxious, stressed, displaced and blue.
I have felt so much guilt for these feelings, thinking I must be a horrible awful person. It’s comforting to know others have these feelings, as well as all the fun and lovely moments too.

When new parents complain and get upset because it’s hard work in many ways, is it appropriate to ask them why they got pregnant if they’re not cut out to be a parent? No. Neither is it appropriate for step parents. You really do not know what you’re getting into.

Something I have read a lot from non step parents who lurk on this board to chip in with their views is that if a step parent is struggling with a situation it means that they either dislike their step child or that they plain don't want them. Whilst I'm sure this is true in some cases, people are too quick to swoop in with this conclusion.

I love my stepdaughter. I've known her half her life. I bonded with her in the beginning when I was first seeing her dad and we gradually became more serious over time. She is funny, intelligent and I can see so much potential in her for the woman she can grow up to be some day.

But I do really struggle at times as the situation with her being brought in two different homes where mum and dad have vastly different values and ideas causes tension at times and unnecessary, often silly drama that disrupts our home and the worst of it is the master of diplomacy you have to become as a step parent so you don't rock the boat, biting your tongue and holding back your own opinions because you know her mum has different ideas. But it's because I care about her that it's difficult. Not because I don't.

I can see her mum is quite happy for her to stay in the same little town for the rest of her life and think small, just get a job locally and spend her life running around as her handmaiden, like she has done with her mum. But I can see that like her dad, my sd has a brain and intelligence and she could do more. Her mum is happy for her to just obsess over the latest fads and fashions and not worry about things like reading or broadening her worldview and even though husband introduces these things, it feels like an uphill battle against a completely different and more enticing/easy way of living that her mum pushes on her.

And yeah so when you feel like you have little influence, it is frustrating and there are times when I do withdraw because I do find her less likeable when she is parroting what she has heard elsewhere or running down things me and my husband believe in like education or tolerance. But it's way more complicated than a lot of people make out. I read people on parenting board say they are struggling with the things their own offspring say and do all the time Well imagine that and then add on the very limited input as a step parent...it's very frustrating. And sometimes detaching is just a way of avoiding a battle you know you can't realistically win.

But I do really struggle at times as the situation with her being brought in two different homes where mum and dad have vastly different values and ideas causes tension at times and unnecessary, often silly drama that disrupts our home and the worst of it is the master of diplomacy you have to become as a step parent so you don't rock the boat, biting your tongue and holding back your own opinions because you know her mum has different ideas. But it's because I care about her that it's difficult. Not because I don't.

This is a very eloquent way of putting how I also feel.

I complain about my DSS pre-teen behaviour but most of it is the lack of boundaries he has at his mums.

She also does not encourage him in his interests and he is incredibly bright, and could be an amazing human if encouraged as a child.

What is your reasoning?

Agreed. I couldn't be attracted to or have respect for someone like that.

Yes Mumsnet doesnt reflect real life. I am often shocked at the vitriol spouted by some stepmums on here. All the ones I know personally are lovely.

First of all, sympathy as it's no fun not to feel relaxed in your own home. I'm assuming you don't want to change the husband. You can't change the need for him to see his child. So that leaves changing your reaction to the visit. You could put on your favorite music, read a book, put on a comedy podcast or favourite TV show, bake a cake, take a bath... Anything fun and relaxing that could take your mind off a slightly tense situation and give you something to look forward to. Hopefully if you are a bit more relaxed and having fun, your SC might relax too.

Yes Mumsnet doesnt reflect real life. I am often shocked at the vitriol spouted by some stepmums on here. All the ones I know personally are lovely.

Because nobody is going to openly shout about their true feelings are they? In public you grin and bear it and pretend life is perfect.

Indeed - I imagine the same people having a tough time on these boards do not show it at all irl.

My stepchildren are now adults and as I am separated from their father I don’t generally see them but we keep in touch on SM as they are siblings to my DS. My DS said I always treated them better than him when they came ! I don’t love them like my own but do have a certain affection for them and an interest in their lives. I often cared for them on my own due to ex’s work pattern and I planned lots of activities.

If I ever heard the words ‘I treated my step children better then my own child’ I’d be devastated.

It would never happen though as I put my children first.

My SKs are all 17+ now and it's much better his daughters lives with us full time for 3 years and his son comes regular but nothing to set it stone. I thinking a lot easier when the relationships age a bit.. I found from 7rs to 12yrs a pain at times and I think it's because you just don't have the tolerance for kids that aren't yours... they treat your home as their own (which they should) but as they aren't there all the time it feels annoying almost.

Little admission from me years ago we had had his kids for the weekend and it was bank holiday Friday the following weekend... his kids texted me and asked if their dad was working Thursday night (he's a constant night shift worker) and if not they wanted to come spend the day with us Friday being no school as mum was doing something they didn't want to do.

I outright lied and said he was working so they couldn't come Friday morning as he's be in bed till late afternoon... I had said it before I even thought I just reacted as I was looking forward to 'our' weekend I know it's terrible and I got found out anyway haha but I think it's not always coming from a place of hate or disregard but just a lack of energy and bond