Instant bad mood whenever DSC here

[Doooolittle]

Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like every week on the days DSC stay my mood instantly plummets and I just can't wait for it to be over.

I don't know quite how to explain it but the house just feels weird like there is a sort of stranger living in it for a few days and like I can't fully relax.

I am always friendly, I don't outwardly show this but I feel like the whole time I'm just counting down the minutes.

Yes and no!

1 DSS is an absolute delight to have around. He is polite, respectful, kind, considerate and capable. He doesn't expect anything from DP and I and is always going out of his way for others.

1 DSS is rude, hostile, disrespectful, aggressive, bad mannered and demands everything and anything (even food off your plate!!). He is more than capable but expects everything done for him. He takes no accountability and throws hideous, often violent, tantrums when things aren't exactly how HE wants them. (he doesn't have additional needs, before anyone suggests it!).

I dread being around the 2nd DSS as it just drains the life out of me and causes me great pain to see the way DP and other DSS are treated by him. I struggle to bite my tongue when he is at his worst, and admit (not proudly) that I have given him a few home truths at times. His shitty behaviour will never be excused by me. He CAN be a lovely child and WAS until a few months ago. No idea what's changed (no big family changes, nothing at school, nothing at DMs etc. He went to bed lovely and woke up a nightmare).

For those saying 'poor kids' and us SMs shouldn't have got into a relationship if we weren't up to it, perhaps consider that the kids can be the issue and it's nothing to do with the adults in their lives. Both my DSS's have been raised the same, given the same opportunities, been loved and treated equally etc.

My DSS is nearly 11. I've been in his life since he was 4. He is a great kid but I've never parented him and he has always been my buddy. Until recently.

He has started with the teenage bullshit early, but is incredibly immature and stupid with it. He is not picked up for it by either parent. He gets exactly what he wants when he wants because no one, other than me, says no to him.

His parents still wipe his bum for him, tie his shoe laces, etc. He is indulged more than the king.

I know this is due to parenting and it's not his fault but he's starting to frustrate me.

Before anyone says 'have you seen teenage boys' yes I have. My son is 23.

I love my steps and I don't dread them coming exactly. But the weekends with them feel very different to the ones they aren't here. Dh is always a bit on edge due to issues with their Mum which are ongoing and constant-and so is desperate not to do anything she would perceive as wrong (which he can't win with as she perceives everything we do as wrong) that he isn't quite himself and it makes me feel on edge too. It's not the kids themselves it's the issues between their actual parents causing the problem in our case.

That's such a shame.

And yes @Toooldtoworry there is alot of this creeping in with dss's here too. They are 11 and 10 and indulged and told they are amazing all the time. Their behaviour is appalling at times and not what I would have tolerated in my own girls. I have to bite my tongue pretty hard and sometimes I fail as I hate seeing how hurt dh gets by it. But he is his own worst enemy with it in lots of ways. It's very frustrating.

I could have written this. It’s hard, isn’t it?

And my 11 year old DSS talks constant inane nonsense at the minute. After about 6 hours of it I have to go for a dog walk or something just for a break. I'm praying this is just a phase. Again I didn't have that with my girls (now older teens) but I'm finding boys a learning curve in general

I feel you! Was in a good mood yesterday me and partner laughing joking. Kids came I felt my mood take a nose dive. I feel like they take over my home for the duration of their time here. It’s the little things I do when they aren’t here that I can’t when they are. Just feels like my life is put on hold, me as a person i have to press pause until they leave. Don’t feel bad for feeling this way. What is it they say children are like opinions it’s natural not to like other people’s!

Yes, I go out for about 2 hours with mine 🤣

Yep. I don't have SC but growing up, my mother dated someone with a girl also my age.

She was vile. She tried to properly smother me once. Her mother was really nasty too, presumably where she got her terrific character from. I remember her coming round one day to pick "Jane" up and Jane was angry that I had been complemented on a dress I had been wearing, (by a random woman when we'd gone out for lunch) and her mother smiled at Jane "well, it would be a shame if anything happened to her looooovely dress wouldn't it". I'd forgotten all about it by the next time Jane came round, but the next time I went to get my dress out of the wardrobe, it had a hole cut in it.

"Poor little DSC, all that upheaval" is always trotted out on here. And only sometimes is this the reality. The answer never is sometimes they are just horrible arseholes, and that's just who they are. Some children are just like that. Jane was. Just a real nasty streak to her. She's a horrible adult now. Her brother is a normal decent guy.

This is awful. How can you respect someone who wouldn’t have custody of their own child in this situation let alone be happy about it, or even someone who only wants to see their child every other weekend.

I would never, ever want to be with a man with kids from a previous relationship. I shudder at the very thought.

I'm with you OP. It just feels like there's a different atmosphere here, and DP is treading on eggshells with the SC the whole weekend. I can't relax. I try to make plans to be out the house.

I had no idea and was v naive re what it would be like, and I wish I had known before moving in...

I think there's a lot of naivety about darling children who are all instantly victims, whereas even if their behaviour isn't bad, it can still be too much.

For example, my twins, I obviously love to bits. But they are hard work. Not because they are naughty or unkind, but they are preschool age and quite relentless. Weekends are certainly not relaxing in our house. I can certainly see how it would not be an enjoyable experience for a completely unrelated person to have them descend on their house all weekend. They would, just by inherently being two preschoolers, completely change the dynamic of the house and essentially take over the weekend because they need constant interaction/supervision/refereeing/drinks/snacks/help on the loo/helping to get dressed/soothing grazed knees/baths...

And I wouldn't say a SM "knew what she was signing up for" if she wasn't enjoying the weekends they were there. Literally no one would. I feel the maternal love, to balance out "it's MY turn to cough" all day long, but certainly at this age, if someone was a SM to DTwins, it would be pretty rubbish for them. I find it crazy that someone can acknowledge that simple fact, to then be told "you clearly can't stand them."

I love having time alone but I always enjoy having them here. I'm lucky in that they are lovely kids and I feel they enhance my and I want to enhance theirs. My own step parents were jealous and didn't really want us around, I never want them to feel that way.

Kids pick up on stuff, it's not their choice they have to do this.

This thread is awful. Those poor kids. Not wanted in their own home. They will know. It's just not fair on them. So so selfish.
I don't want to be a step parent, so guess what, I don't live with any man who already has kids.

Actually, I'm changing what I wrote having read the full thread now.

Regards to the 'you knew what you were signing up to'. I guess the difference is whether you've already had dc or not.

If you don't have dc of your own yet, then it's probably much easier to not be able to fully imagine how much you'll dislike it.

If you do have dc of your own already, you will be well aware of how much you'll hate it, unless you're one of those wonderfully giving women, and as such it would be selfish to live with a man with young dc.

Had it not occurred to you, and several others who push the poor kids line, that we as step parents started with the same view. We started with the same empathy of how awful to find themselves in this situation. We had empathy, we were understanding only to find kids, who are not stupid, manipulate that for all it’s worth. The poor kid that you consoled and reassured then thinks they can do what they want and when corrected can say, you’re not my mum. The poor kid you sympathised with disrespects you, your home, your family and friends continuously with no regard to anything you say. Watch how quickly your attitude goes from poor kid to I tolerate you. I have been a step kid and I did my best for them to have it all thrown in my face so now, no poor kid. Poor me! Guest in my own home when they are inflicted on me.

Yet you love to hang out on the step parenting board! Cool. ( also, sod off)

@EG94
Right. So knowing how awful I would find it, and thus as a result living together wouldn't be remotely fair on the child, as soon as I find out a potential partner has a child who he sees EOW, I would explain quite clearly that I wouldn't be living with him ever.

I get it

I’ve just screamed and cried at my partner how I’m so tired of feeling like a single parent when step kids are here

Hes listening but not actively listening …. Not sure how much more I can take

Step Kids are lovely but blended families do not work!!

You genuinely have no idea about blended families … which is clear but what you wrote so shut your gob!!

I think this is true of a lot of step-parents tbh. I don't think it's odd or mean. It isn't ideal for the kids but that's the case with a lot of blended families.

Someone blithely said to me when I said I couldn't be a step-mum, "oh I DEFINITELY could. I'd love them like my own".
, with a face, as if I was a cold-hearted cow for saying I couldn't! I think any perspective stepparent should be forced to read the threads on here and realise how tough it is.

Full disclosure: I'm not a stepparent but I have one (sort of - my dad's dp). She isn't all that nice, but why should she be mary flipping Poppins just because she happens to love my dad? I would struggle to live with him. He's now in his 70s and hard work, so good luck to her

@arethereanyleftatall i think you’re missing a huge point here. It takes time for it to come out what the “reality” is. Not just kids adults too. We’ve all I’m sure, met someone it’s been great then after time they aren’t who they were when you first met. As I’m sure I’m not who I was when I first met my partner. We’ve been through things, we’ve seen each other in different lights. Kids at first were lost, I tried to help them navigate this using my own experience. For a long time it was fine, manageable. Then when they get comfortable they show who they are and how they really feel. It’s only after time you know “what you’ve let yourself in for” just as your partner telling you all the time you’re not good enough it gets down you down. Having kids remind you, you’re nothing to me and tbh they are tolerating me as much as I’m tolerating them. It gets you down. Ironically I don’t just up and leave for two reasons, I love my partner and I don’t want to put his kids through another break up. Funny that isn’t it. As an adult still consider the poor kids. Btw not attacking you, just I’m tired of so many people constantly pushing poor kids with no idea of how anyone else feels!