Instant bad mood whenever DSC here

[Doooolittle]

Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like every week on the days DSC stay my mood instantly plummets and I just can't wait for it to be over.

I don't know quite how to explain it but the house just feels weird like there is a sort of stranger living in it for a few days and like I can't fully relax.

I am always friendly, I don't outwardly show this but I feel like the whole time I'm just counting down the minutes.

I was/am a kind of step parent. Both ours were older teens when we started living together. I love my dsd and want the best for her. But I didn't like living with her long term. (She stayed between moves for a few months and it was lovely).

Honestly I wish more step parents were able to talk openly about it. My only experience of step parenting had seemed so lovely (maybe it was, maybe they were faking). I had no idea. If I had, I would never have put my own kids through it. Even though they were practically leaving/ left home. I wish I'd had a more realistic idea.

I think the only fix is building a relationship with them

Aim for them to become like nieces and nephews you are very fond of

Make a serious effort

It is undoubtably hard to make the effort when you are knackered from work and parenting, but I do think it’s the only way

If you are serious about the bum wiping and shoelaces that is neglectful parenting.

What’s wrong with them?

I am. The rp is a lazy parent.

Why is it always the step parent who is blamed? How should we have known what we were letting ourselves in for? Why don't the SC have to take responsibilities for their actions, for their behaviour, for their rudeness etc? (I struggle with SC who are all over 18, but still behave this way 12 years down the line).

Every time I try, I feel it is thrown back in my face and I will just never be good enough.

Thank you @theduchessofspork for your suggestion of trying to form a relationship akin to that of a neice/nephew. I will try hard again at doing exactly that.

Can you not think of one reason why I would be ok to not have full custody? Really….

Genius!

I wish we had all thought of that sooner...

Those poor step parents. Ostracised in their own homes. Treated appallingly and expected to enjoy it with a smile on their face. Constantly berated and never allowed to speak up against wrongdoings. So so selfish of them to give their life, home and love when it's never acknowledged or appreciated.

a couple of close family members are step mums and they show nothing but love and care for their step children - one has them living with them full time. I don’t think these posts are a universal feeling - certainly hope not anyway - it’s truly horrible to read that people feel this way about children who are entitled to feel as if they belong in their fathers home.

Makes me feel so sad for the children. Children are programmed to pick up on the feelings of their care givers. They’ll definitely know how uncaring you are and that your mood shifts. They’re stuck in a situation they didn’t ask for, so sad

But the difference is choice @GlassCaseOfEmotions

The step parent has chosen to live with someone who already had children.

The child has had no choice.

Living with you full time is totally different to 50/50 or EOW. In that scenario, I bet your family members get equal say in everything relating to raising those children. I've had SC previously and they have been a walk in the park compared to my current SC. The relationship between their DF and DM was civil and so made life much easier too.

We have SC 50/50. I show love and care to them. I also show healthy boundaries, what is tolerated, how to be respectful and how to treat other people. I especially show them that actions have consequences.

They are always welcome in my home (and it is my home, I own it). What they are not welcome to do is treat me like shit in it. I'm entitled to feel as if I belong in the home I pay for and maintain.

Actually, my SC begged my DP to move in with me instead of renting somewhere when the tenancy was up. They preferred the area I lived and had friends here. They told DP they preferred being with me rather than at DMs or after school clubs.

And before you say it, we never even mentioned them moving here as an option before they suggested it. The house, realistically, isn't big enough and we wanted to wait a few more years until we could buy somewhere bigger together.

Please tell me they didn't have a choice.

Ironic last sentence there

unfortunately what we can't predict, as step parents, is how the other parent (the one we aren't in a relationship with) will try their very best to make those poor children feel guilty for getting along with their step parent.
I went into my relationship with open eyes, we each have children, we spent a long time weighing up moving in together, involved the kids in the process and from moving in date I tried everything I could think of to include my sk, make them feel welcome, not favour my own kids (unrealistic as that was, I really felt I could make them feel as wanted as my own kids felt, in our home).
What I hadn't counted on was their mum taking complete offence to my existence (I wasn't the OW) and from the get go making her kids feel anxious about time with me and their dad. They were reminded to NEVER call me mum. She was invited into our home to see their bedrooms and was ignorant and weird with me. She refused to acknowledge my existence at all which was fine for me as I have enough friends, but very hard on DH and sk.
That was almost 9 years ago and things have really broken down in the family to the point some of my sk don't even come to our home at all now.
I'm not saying I'm perfect or overly sociable as a person, but I have always tried my best to fit in around my sk, to give them time with their dad and I genuinely loved it when all our kids were younger and got on well. But I do lay the majority of the blame at the feet of the ex, who has caused this entirely avoidable situation because of her own bitterness and insecurity.

.... That was the point of the post.

The assumption that when things go wrong it’s because of the way the step parent is or isn’t behaving perfectly demonstrates exactly why no one actually knows what they’re getting into. If one of both parents aren’t on board with you treating your DSCs like much loved nieces or nephews for instance then whatever you do isn’t going to cut it - e.g I’ve never heard of an auntie being told they resent/dislike the children if they don’t take time out of their working day to do school run every other week while the actual parents get to work uninterrupted.

You often don’t find out these dynamics until your lives are already enmeshed, especially if further DC come along. Many of us have said time and time again that we went into this experience with open minds and hearts but basically no one believes us because obviously we’re all just horrible people 🙄

Meanwhile the genuinely nasty people who happen to be stepparents and who truly don’t give a shit don’t tend to be on this board, they’re busy bitching away on forums where they call the children Skids and mum is “birth mum”. The irony is those posters who hang around this MN board purely to stepmum bash are probably driving people away to seek support on one of those nasty forums because there you’ll not made to feel like the worst person ever for having normal human emotions and frustrations. Yet that’s hardly going to be the best thing for the DSC that these posters allegedly want to protect Nah they’re only interested in sticking the boot in

Thank you! Someone who understands! I don’t think anyone, if they’re honest, would enjoy spending EOW with someone else’s children, but say that in the context of step-parenting and suddenly you’re a bad person.

Oops sorry @NewNameNigel my brain must be asleep

Agree. I'd never be with a man who didn't equally parent like @TheCosySeal 's DP

I get they're not your kids, so him not wanting them if anything happened to their mother might make your life easier... But omg what an awful man. No way I'd marry someone like that

And i bet the child knows you feel like this and hates being in your presence too

And that’s it folks ! Step mum bingo is complete 🤣🤣🤣

"Thank you! Someone who understands! I don’t think anyone, if they’re honest, would enjoy spending EOW with someone else’s children, but say that in the context of step-parenting and suddenly you’re a bad person."

To be honest, I wouldn't want to be with a man who only wanted to see his children EOW.....

I mean a lot of the problems are because women marry men who are shit dad's.

Indeed. And two of them.