Need some advice

[Survivor2020]

Hi all. I need advice on an issue. I have 3 DC, boys 11,10 and 8 from a previous marriage. I got remarried 4 years ago to my DH who doesn’t have kids from previous relationships but we now have two DC together. When we first got married he was fine with me having DC as long as their dad was taking responsibility for them. Their dad was taking responsibility until he realised that I was never going to get back with him so he reverted to being his true nasty self and stopped taking them. Now I have my DC all the time and my DH keeps saying this wasn’t the agreement and their dad needs to take responsibility. He is telling me that I need to give them to their dad when they reach about 13 because he is not dealing teenagers. What approach would you take to resolve the matter?

Honestly...I'd get rid of the husband! What kind of man/ husband/ stepdad would tell his wife to hand over her kids. He sounds dreadfull and if he doesn't want to deal with teenagers, what does he plan to do with the two children you share when they hit 13??

When my dc hit 12 and 14 they moved in full time. It was my dh who went and collected them. We didn't even discuss it. As I rang him to say ds14 had asked if he could he was on the way to pick him up..you need to ltb op . Your poor dc..

Divorce the awful husband!

Your husband sounds awful.

I have no bio kids and my DH has 3. When I met him he had them 50%. I married him with the full understanding that we could one day have them all 100%. We in fact now have my DSS17 full time. No one can predict the future and I think it's unfair to put conditions on a relationship, especially when they involve someone else.

Is he planning to ship his own kids to someone else when they turn 13 as well? I worry about you remaining in the marriage with your kids feeling that they are unwanted by your husband. Bad enough that they're unwanted by their dad.

I think you should put your first three children up for adoption

Divorce your scumbag husband of course. Hardly a dilemma. Kids before shitty blokes.

Divorce. No other option.

Lose the husband and id be reluctant to give him much contact time with the kids as he's made clear when they are 13 he withh ditch them

Divorce.

He can't be dealing with teens? He has kids, what's he going to do? Lock them in a cupboards when they are teens.

He has shown you what he thinks of your kids now, it's up to you if you're going to allow them to live with a man who clearly hates them or not.

You're going to have to get divorced op. You might not love teenagers but you know when you start a relationship with someone with kids that at some point they will be teenagers and you opt in or out of that before getting married abs having kids.

He sounds like either an idiot that didn't think it through or someone that thought he could bully you once you were trapped. Neither of those options are something you want to stick with.

I'm assuming he's going to leave you when his own kids turn 13, so divorce the the idiot now, and each time one of your DC turns 13, make it a double celebration.

It sounds like your husband is really struggling & was a bit naive to not have expected that anyone who marries a person with children, can find themselves in the situation of those children living with them full time.

regarding your ex partner. Is he paying the appropriate amount, considering he offers no overnights? Is your husband financially or emotionally overwhelmed, or both?

do the two of you have any breaks from all the children both shared and just yours, eg date nights, occasional night away if you have family who can help with childcare?

is your (not shared) childrens relationship with your DH good, are there ongoing problems? Are they respectful of DH?

are your first children coping with their father dropping out of their life?
This must be absolutely awful for them. That’s a massive rejection for their own dad to just not bother & must be very hurtful.

I know cost is often a major factor but is there any chance for family therapy & separate couples therapy?

was your husband just venting or did he mean it?

I know I would be overwhelmed and very stressed if my husbands kids came to live full time, they’re very full on & seem quite a few notches more demanding than any other children I’ve ever met but I did accept when I got married that it’s a very real possibility, ANYTHING can happen in the future & your DH doesn’t seem prepared for this very real concept.

11, 10 & 8 are hard ages (I found) there’s endless noise, fighting, it’s not easy. I would be a woman on the edge with 5 kids, you are doing well to manage this plus DH having a wobble. I think for a lot of step parents something does switch after the biological children arrive. They THINK they love the steps until ‘the real thing’ is in their arms. And although their own children are seen through rose tints the step kids little annoyances are magnified hugely. It’s not fair though & your DH needs to try & imagine for himself, if you split & his childrens new step father had this sort of resentment towards them.

you’re in a rough situation. Obviously you aren’t going to start giving your children to your ex in the next 2 years as they become teens, that’s ridiculous & I’d like to think this is more DH is venting & talking rubbish, than actually means it.

I’d divorce him, that would be my only approach.

When my ex did this my now dh was amazing and was happy we didn't have someone who was just horrible influencing our lives so much anymore.
I would say to him that if he didn't like it he could leave.
What does he say about your other children when they become teens

@ChampagneBlossom44 there is zero excuse for this man. No matter if OPs kids are ‘hard ages’, nothing. If she’s in any way a decent parent she would get this man away from her kids, they don’t deserve the trauma of having to live with this unrelated male who doesn’t like or want them.

She wrote that the man ‘keeps saying’, so not a vent, and the divorce process should have been started after the first hint of this.

Thank you everyone for your responses and I definitely understand the direct approach to divorce. I have thought about it and see that divorce is the only option but I also have two children with him and I’ve seen what it’s like for children to go through divorce so it’s very difficult.@ChampagneBlossom44 thank you for taking the time to sift through everything. He is an amazing dad to his kids and his reason for saying he doesn’t want to raise teenage kids is that their dad is alive and well and he’s financially stable. They speak to their dad and he sends them money but he doesn’t take them when he does he tries to turn them against us and that’s another problem for my DH. He’s suggested that I completely cut them off from their dad so we can raise them as we like BUT once their dad cut off contact completely for 6 months, my DH started saying this is too much and he can’t take it and he’s doing something no one else would ever do. He said no man without kids Would ever marry a woman with kids.

it’s a very depressing situation and a very long story.

You surely cannot continue in a relationship with someone who blatantly treats your first two children so much worse than the children you have together.

Divorce is traumatic. Not nearly traumatic as your stepdad hating you for just existing though.

He said no man without kids Would ever marry a woman with kids.

Sorry, what?

@Survivor2020 your update has made me feel terrible for you, he’s not supporting you as a husband should. What you’d ex is putting you & the children through is traumatic enough without this, he just sounds unkind & borderline nuts. How can he swing from they need to live with dad to cut dad off completely, they’re polar opposites. You must be on eggshells wondering which mood he’s in next.

That’s a terrible cruel thing to say, that nobody would want to marry you. Stupid and not true - because he did himself!

i am so sorry that you’re going through this. It is so much harder that he’s a good father to his own but if he can’t extend the kindness to his stepsons he’s not leaving you much choice. You sound a strong woman who’s survived a lot from one bastard ex already, you deserve a happy home where you & all your children are loved & have a peaceful household. Not someone at the centre seriously expecting you to get rid of half your children.

@ChampagneBlossom44 thank you for your kind words. You can’t even imagine how hard it is. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t even alive to have to face this and see my kids suffer like this. They break my heart every day.

Oh my gosh @Survivor2020 if it’s got to the point you’re wishing you weren’t here then he’s far worse than you’ve let on. Now it’s established that he’s in no way venting / joking & you’ve said you’re feeling this way, it’s sounding a lot more alarming & abusive & controlling. Is your situation that it’s your home & he would have to leave, or shared? Please don’t let this get worse for you & your babies, even your shared babies growing up in a dynamic like this is pretty dire.
you’re a good mum or you wouldn’t be here asking for advice but he’s obviously worked on you long enough that you’re unsure or not okay with the next steps.
I don’t want to frighten you but would you contact womens aid for some advice? Just on how to move forward, what support is available to you. It doesn’t help that the older kids dad is shit & no help but do you have a decent support network in family or friends? Even just people to talk to while you decide what to do?

@ChampagneBlossom44 i do have a very supportive family and my DH’s family are also very supportive. I think I know what to do, it’s just taking the step that’s hard.

He's got to go. This won't get better and the resentment will grow. My ex husband started being really vile to my daughter when she turned 13. He left thankfully but I didn't realise how bad it was until he'd gone and it really did affect my relationship with her for a long time. As a result of this, I've stayed single as I do not want to risk any man around my children. Ever. This man has told you what he is. Listen to him. Get your ducks in a row. Get some legal advice. Speak to Women's Aid and work out how you are going to do this to prevent serious emotional harm to your boys. Good luck.

@Survivor2020 its hugely difficult, one of the hardest things I can think of. But you deserve so much better. Even if you can ignore the biggest issue, the whole madness of him telling you the kids need to move out, the smaller things are bad enough on their own. He hasn’t supported you through a very stressful time of your kids dad cutting them off if anything he’s made things worse by adding a layer of stress, he’s put you down and tried to make you feel like he’s some kind of catch just for staying married. These things alone are a bad partner, but the demanding you rehome your kids and put them with their abusive absent father just because their dad has the financial resources, is beyond the pale. No sane person would suggest children should be placed with a neglectful parent, when they are with a parent who loves them. Especially when that parent is your wife, how could he live with you heartbroken like that?

blending families is really tough and at best your husband went in with good intentions but just isn’t cut out for it, but at worst he’s a rotten sod who’s being extremely cruel & manipulative to you as some effed up punishment. Neither option is great & you deserve so much more. I’m so glad you do have a good supportive family around you