Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

New boyfriend

50 replies

Oldmandad · 21/02/2024 21:24

My daughter’s mum has a relatively new partner of about four months and wants him to look after our daughter whilst she is at work during the school holidays. I have met him briefly a couple of times on handovers etc.

Am I being unreasonable to say that he shouldn’t be left on his own with her when we hardly know the guy?

Our daughter is ten and I am going to be working also which is why it came up. There are alternative child care options available.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

uneffingbelievable · 21/02/2024 21:29

You can not dictate what goes on in her house and on her time.

Are you doing your fair share of the holiday time?

TheSnowyOwl · 21/02/2024 21:32

Whose time to have your daughter is the looking after going to be during? Who would pay for any childcare?

I wouldn’t feel happy about someone I didn’t know well and my child didn’t know that well, being the main child carer but I’m sure your ex would also feel the same if your daughter was in your care and it was the other way round.

Original poster

Oldmandad · 21/02/2024 21:36

So we have 50:50 joint custody and this falls in her time.

When my daughter is with me I have a childminder that comes round one evening a week. When I arranged that, I organised a meeting with my daughters mum to ensure she was happy with the arrangement first. I pay for that service obviously as it’s me that needs it so don’t expect that to be a shared cost.

OP posts:

thistimelastweek · 21/02/2024 21:39

It's a tricky one.

Why would you doubt your ex's judgement?

But who wouldn't worry about their kid?

Check out the alternative childcare options.

goingrouge · 21/02/2024 21:40

I think it's ok to ask questions. How long has she known him, how did they meet and what does she in

goingrouge · 21/02/2024 21:42

... what does she know about him.

If he's a long standing friend who she's got together with I'd feel a bit differently than if he's a guy she met online 4 months ago.

IMO he shouldn't even have met the child yet if that's the case let alone providing day care.

clickyourredshoestogether3times · 21/02/2024 21:42

I like how all the posters think the OP is being unreasonable but if OP was a woman y'all would be slating the ex for having new partner etc etc

letstrythatagain · 21/02/2024 21:45

clickyourredshoestogether3times · 21/02/2024 21:42

I like how all the posters think the OP is being unreasonable but if OP was a woman y'all would be slating the ex for having new partner etc etc

Just about to say the same thing!! MN is such a strange place. Quite often a woman will come on here to ask advice around the kids meeting her new partner and she gets absolutely SLATED if they haven't been together at least a year! What's the difference here!?!

OP I'd definitely not be happy with this.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 21/02/2024 21:45

Strange man having unsupervised access to a pre teen girl? No way. 4 months in is she bloody daft?

YourLocal · 21/02/2024 21:47

Maybe try to get to know him better before trusting your daughter because if anything happens to her it’s most likely him and you want your daughter safe x

MillshakePickle · 21/02/2024 21:50

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 21/02/2024 21:45

Strange man having unsupervised access to a pre teen girl? No way. 4 months in is she bloody daft?

100%

TheWildWest · 21/02/2024 21:58

No way on earth.
I am really shocked by this is your ex that naive?

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 21/02/2024 21:59

I would be removing my child from his care. Fuck her. Fuck him.

Original poster

Oldmandad · 21/02/2024 22:03

goingrouge · 21/02/2024 21:42

... what does she know about him.

If he's a long standing friend who she's got together with I'd feel a bit differently than if he's a guy she met online 4 months ago.

IMO he shouldn't even have met the child yet if that's the case let alone providing day care.

She met him online. Comes across as a really nice fellar and seems a genuine person but I feel it’s still far too soon. My reason for coming on here for thoughts was that when I suggested it wasn’t right to be doing that it was suggested I was being totally unreasonable for suggesting he may be a potentially danger to our child.

OP posts:

goingrouge · 21/02/2024 22:25

Absolutely no fucking way would a random bloke or woman have unsupervised contact with my child.

He might be a great bloke but I'm suspicious he is willing to do childcare this soon into a relationship. It's a red flag for me.

plantlover34 · 21/02/2024 22:45

Surely if you don't both agree it should be a no? It seems early for your daughter to even be meeting him let alone being alone with him for extended periods of time.
I suppose most crucial question is how does your daughter feel about this?

I know it's not preferable but if her reason for suggesting it is financial, could you come to an agreement about splitting some of the childcare costs?

FairFuming · 21/02/2024 22:56

While you can't dictate what she does when DC is with her. I find it weird that the DP wants to spend his free time looking after her. Is it just for a couple hours once a week or is it like full time hours? That effects how off the situation is to me.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 21/02/2024 23:00

You are definitely not being unreasonable. There is absolutely no way I would allow this to happen. Why is he even introduced after 4 months? He is a stranger and you cannot possibly know anyone in 4 months.

LizFromMotherland · 21/02/2024 23:00

No way.

Is there any way the pair of you could go halves on a holiday club or something?

Original poster

Oldmandad · 21/02/2024 23:07

So I mentioned earlier we have other options which is that she can come to my house and stay with my partner who lives with me and has been in our lives for years now. My ex’s view is that how is it okay for her to spend unsupervised time with my partner but not okay to spend unsupervised time with her new partner. I genuinely think it is hugely different but she says I am being a knob!

OP posts:

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 21/02/2024 23:11

I think it's worrying that she's even making that comparison to be honest, it is in no way comparable. I would worry that she's actually been groomed into this as it is not a normal response to expect a male stranger to look after your 10 year old girl. Her boundaries and safeguarding are seriously off here and I'd be worried.

Original poster

Oldmandad · 21/02/2024 23:17

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 21/02/2024 23:11

I honestly feel exactly this way but was seriously questioning myself due to her shocked reaction to me saying I wasn’t comfortable with it.

Thank you for all the replies and reassurance I am not being completely overprotective etc!

OP posts:

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/02/2024 23:26

I've got tins of tuna older than that relationship. He shouldn't have even been introduced yet really, let along childminding! You know nothing about him. You are not being unreasonable, actually the complete opposite by offering an alternative.

Charliecatpaws · 21/02/2024 23:32

My kids (now in their 20's) didn't meet my DP until we had been together for 18 months. I think that your DP would be the better option for childcare. Your ex knows nothing about new DP, I would be cautious

converseandjeans · 21/02/2024 23:43

Strange man having unsupervised access to a pre teen girl? No way. 4 months in is she bloody daft?

Agree with this. Why would any grown man offer to supervise a young girl alone? It would be far better to sign her up for holiday club. There's often stories in the press about step fathers abusing daughters yet rarely about step mothers abusing young girls. She's putting your daughter at risk YANBU.

Flip

1 2