New boyfriend

[Oldmandad]

My daughter’s mum has a relatively new partner of about four months and wants him to look after our daughter whilst she is at work during the school holidays. I have met him briefly a couple of times on handovers etc.

Am I being unreasonable to say that he shouldn’t be left on his own with her when we hardly know the guy?

Our daughter is ten and I am going to be working also which is why it came up. There are alternative child care options available.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with that arrangement.

the two of you should be splitting the costs of childcare though, regardless of when it falls. Unless your custody split is ridiculously even and balanced, one of you is going to have more costs and more child care Issues impacting employment.

Nope no and never . It's too risky . You are right to be worried

I wonder how your partner feels about being volunteered for childcare.

It's not equivalent because
Your dp is female
She's known her for years not 4 months

honestly, I would be doing a Sarah’s law request with the police.

if there’s no history, no harm done. If there is, steps will be taken to safeguard your daughter.

obviously if he is a baddie but has never been caught or reported nothing will show, but it if he’s known it will highlight the danger.

i would also be having a conversation with your daughter and asking if she feels comfortable.

fwiw, years ago when I’d been seeing dh for all of a month, his ex tried to get me to look after their children in the school holidays so she could go away and dh had already used his annual leave for childcare. I asked on a forum and apparently it’s completely reasonable to leave your kids with a stranger whose surname you don’t know, you don’t know where they live, or anything about them.

Stupid woman. Her decision seriously calls into question her ability to protect her child- I would check with SS about this, though they are likely to say it mum’s decision.

There is absolutely no comparison between this man, who may have targeted mum specifically for access to her daughter, and your partner who has known your child for years.

Your ex has introduced him to your daughter far too early.Stupid, stupid woman!

Only read the first few replies before getting ticked off.

The mother of this little girl has only been seeing her boyfriend for 4 months. Where is all the usual bollockings for introducing a BF to a child too soon, let alone left alone with the man all day long.

Most sensible men would not want to do childminding so early into a relationship.

If the mother refuses to arrange appropriate childcare then surely it is then a safeguarding issue and you will have to report her.

As nasty as it would be, I’d prefer to think she doesn’t really intend to leave your little girl with this man but is using that as way to manipulate you into paying the childcare costs

I understand your concerns. You don't get to say who she leaves your child with. However you could offer to look after your child instead?

What has she been doing for childcare since before the bf arrived?

Massive red flag. No way would I agree to a male stranger having access to a ten year old girl unsupervised. Just no.

What were her childcare arrangements before the new boyfriend? You do know you can do both a sarah and clares law request. Four months is far too early, the fact he has met her in that time frame is unusual. The only adult strangers looking after children should be those who are professionals in the field, like childminders, nursery staff, teachers etc, not a new man or woman someone is dating.

Its also risky because if the relationship doesn’t work, it is another close bond broken for a relatively young child, which isn’t a positive experience.

Yes this. She has poor judgement here which makes me wonder what else is going on.

Fight your daughter's corner, she needs you. Can you arrange to have her extra yourself? Or find holiday clubs etc.

Actually I think he does because he has every right to safeguard his child. Whilst I generally agree that each parent is responsible for what happens on their time, I don't think this counts and both parents should be ok with any childcare arrangements as long as they're being reasonable about it.

Also agree with the police check stuff. It would be OTT in most circumstances to do that for your ex's new partner, but they are both showing dreadful judgement here and so I think that overrides social norms.

I agree they should in an ideal world both be comfortable with it but legally I don't think he has a leg to stand on

Good idea

No way would i leave a stranger caring for my kid. Id find alternative childcare

I agree that it's unreasonable OP and very early to be introduced to a boyfriend.
The question is more how to broach with ex given you've already had an earful.

So I'd go down the road of suggesting to the ex that 4 months is short, and whilst you hope this is her "forever" guy, it's a bit early to tell. That you are worried about the impact on DD and also what happens if she for example she doesn't get on with the new bf, because that can happen too as it takes a while for these relationships to settle in. Say that you understand that childcare is a struggle and you'd like to help so are happy to cover if necessary. Stress to her you are not making judgements on this chap but just looking out for DD interest at a tender age, pre teen.

If you go all in on "he's a potential child molester", such as the theme on this thread, it will probably make her dig her heels given she's likely head over heels in love etc. so you need to reframe in a way she's going to listen

In an ideal world you'll have had a chance to meet the guy and your ex would wait longer before allowing him to watch your DD but sadly you don't really have any control over how she shows up to parent. I completely understand you're worried but you need to trust that your ex wouldn't put your DD in danger.

It's also nice that you had the courtesy to discuss your childcare arrangements with her but that doesn't mean you can expect the same back. Frustrating, I know.

My DH gave his ex notice of his intention to introduce me to the kids. We'd known each other since school, so 20 years at the time. She still wasn't happy about me meeting them but that more to do with the fact she wanted my DH back.

The ex didn't do the same. DH got a text to say her new boyfriend had moved in while the kids were at ours. The kids came home and there he was sitting on their couch. He'd moved in at short notice because his wife had found out about the affair he was having with my DHs ex. He is not a good guy. He hasn't seen his own children for almost a year. But sadly, nothing we can do about who she chooses to have in the kids lives.

If you and your ex are amicable maybe arrange to meet the new boyfriend to ease your worries a bit but if she said no then you have to accept that.

It would be a nope from me. I don't know what she's thinking.

Absolutely batshit...she knows nothing about him.

It's her responsibility not some random that's she's known 4 months. FFS.

Sarah's and Claire's laws only show if he has been caught doing anything, so not a failsafe. Does he not work during the week? As you have spoken with him before, can you speak to him and say how suss people would find this? Even if she has decided to double down, he might not want people thinking badly of him.

I would find this worrying. Odd that your ex is so naive and willing to let a man she's known for 4 months have unsupervised access to her daughter. Also odd that the guy accepted tbh.
OP, I think you should absolutely seek to stop this and trust your gut. I can imagine this will be very tricky to manage though. Good luck.

No way! very odd that shes on board with this? I think you will have to say No .Other CC options are better

Absolutely no way

I wouldn't want a new boyfriend looking after my children at all.

Are you able to swap days so you can have her maybe?