How much should a stepdad be doing?

[Emmarjayne]

I have been a single mum since my 8yo daughter was 2.5yo. Father abusive so no contact. I met my bf when she was 4. We have been together for nearly 4 years and engaged. He does barely anything with her. Yes he pays money to help with household bills as we live together and he works 30 hours a week. He doesnt want childen of his own and hasnt really had children in his life before me. But in a day how much should a step dad be contributing in a child's life especially when there real father is not involved?

That’s so sad @Emmarjayne … I’m not sure how he can even be a great partner when actually he doesn’t support the most important role in your life- as a mum. It sounds very dysfunctional and I think some family therapy would be a really good idea for you all.
As a single mum there is no way someone would have even gotten a toe through the door without a commitment to my children and acceptance that I came as a package and they were very much a bonus and not baggage. From the get-go my husband has had an active and loving role with my children and although he tended to take a big step back for discipline (and tbh he still does this even with our shared kids) he very much does all the other grunt work like school runs, homework, laundry, appointments etc. And he also financially supported them without question when their deadbeat dad refused maintenance etc.

DP loves DD, he'd do anything for her, and frequently does. It's evolved, though, over a very long time and we discuss it regularly. There are boundaries such as bathing etc, the final say is always mine and we leave plenty of time for just me and DD. Her father flits in and out of the scene so DP is the constant presence. She described him to someone she met in the park as 'not my dad but he does dad stuff.'

You should talk to your DP, see what he thinks and decide what to do from there. It is a minefield so I've found constant discussion is the best way through it.

If you're happy with never doing anything as a family and feeling there is a divide between you and your DD and him then crack on. Personally, I would want more for myself and my child but it's totally up to you.

I'm worried you think he is wonderful because your previous partner was abusive so in comparison your current partner seems amazing. I'd also worry that you'll live to regret not having more children. You're giving up a lot for a man who barely interacts with your child who he lives with full-time.

Even in cases of DV fathers usually have contact with their children (rightly or wrongly).

My question would be why a woman with a child would pursue a relationship with a man who has said they have no interest in having children.

Serious question here. Not trying to be snarky. Is he moving into your home? If yes, do you own your home or are you renting? Does he have a home of his own? If not, where is he currently living? I'm asking because it does seem odd for a single man who does not want children to marry a woman who has a child. I question what is in the relationship for him that he doesn't have now. Sorry to be pessimistic.

He "should" do as much or as little as you are both happy with.

For me I'd need more than he's giving you.

There should be no expectation of school runs etc, but being able to converse with each other is surely the bare minimum? Can you imagine how isolating it would be to grow up in a house where one of the three occupants just ignores you? Terribly sad way to live.

'I couldn't ask for a better partner'

Well... you can and kind of are?! He's a bit shit with your daughter, you're not really a family and you are asking strangers if it's ok?

Quite

"We don't do anything all together it feels very divided in the sense of me and her and me and him"

@Emmarjayne This sounds absolutely awful to be honest?! Are you happy living like this?! My DP has a daughter (12) and we all spend time together every time she is over, go out for lunch, watch a film, dog walks etc... Occasionally I will go out with friends or to the gym to let her have some time with her dad but tbh she prefers me being there as she can talk to me about TikTok, make up and boys 😂How is it a family if you can't even do anything with both your DD and DP together????

However I don't know how a fulltime stepdad should "behave"

There is no ‘should’, that is a price of string question. It’s what you’re happy with.

The odd thing here is that you think he’s an amazing partner yet you do nothing together as a family. That’s not what I’d want for my future-you sound more like housemates.