Nightmare ex advice

[Sunny318]

Anyone had a real nightmare ex of their DH to contend with?

DH has two children with ex and we have a DC and life is busy but everyone gets on and family life is generally lovely. The big, dark cloud is the ex. She tried all ways to block contact when they parted ways and then he went through courts and children had to speak to agencies etc as she had made a number of nasty allegations (baseless but for obvious safeguarding reasons had to be investigated) so it took around a year to resume contact. She loves screaming in the street and has harassed us through phone calls and letters.

The children are definitely her weapon of choice and they have been put through it. She will try to change contact at drop of a hat or play up that he does nothing for them etc. We both work full time and she works twice a week so she knows that we can't make big changes due to these commitments plus she has plenty of time child free in week to get house work etc done,it's tough for us trying to juggle it all. They exist on fast food and have struggled to use cutlery with meals at our house and they are usually inadequately dressed for cold weather. I know I am not their parent but I do care about them and for their futures. I leave it to their Dad to remind them about eating well etc as I don't want to be seen as the nasty/bossy step parent.

At present we have very little time off and money is tighter as it is for everyone so we're trying to eat more home meals and plan reasonably priced days out but she's always trying to rant down the phone about anything that is inconveniencing her and it's a bit of a buzz kill, he has asked her to contact him for emergencies only but she is not adhering to this. She also loves a pointed social media rant about how rubbish he is as a father. We're nearly three years down the line with this.

Part of me feels a bit sorry for her, she's not moved on from the relationship and is bitter about it all BUT sometimes it gets so much and I'm just secretly seething as I don't want to fall out with DH over her nonsense. I don't want her behaviour to drive a wedge between us but on times I could lose the plot.

I try to just rise above it, I have zero contact with her, don't know her and don't ever want to but when will it just go away? Do they ever just move on and let go?!

Thank you and he fully intends to go back. I think he was a bit intimidated by the experience as he had never been in a court room. He had to do it alone as we'd run out of money for solicitors etc and it's held in private. I can't go into too many details about what she said in case of outing this but basically she told them was not safe/fit for overnight stays. The court granted the days and would look to review in future. Thank you for your views. Much appreciated xx

I think he was a bit intimidated by the experience as he had never been in a court room

Unless something went in that he's not telling you about, it's not really a Courtroom, it will have been heard in the Judge's Chambers which is essentially their office. There's usually no wigs and gowns and if your DH feels intimidated by his Ex he can request screens do that they can both see the Judge but they can't see each other. He can also request separate waiting areas.

Saying he felt intimidated isn't really an excuse for not applying for overnights.

I said as a ‘starting point’ which is not bullshit at all.

They look at the needs of the child. If the father is in a position to have overnights then I’d be very surprised that he wasn’t given it.

@CadyEastman It depends on the court in question. I've been in hearings that are in a room similar to a conference room but at other courts, it's been a proper court room with the witness stand, jury box etc with the Judge or Magistrates sat directly in front higher up. It can be quite intimidating.

Thank you, it was like this sort of room and very formal, oath on the Bible stuff. She had a barrister present to speak for her but he did well by himself but obviously if we could have afforded more legal representation it might have helped. Like I said previously, she had made an allegation which suggested overnight stays would worry her, despite this being untrue. Given that he hadn't seen the children in a year I think it's a bit harsh to bash him for not pushing for anything. Thanks though for some support and suggestions.

Was it the local authority or Cafcass who completed the assessment? Its a little worrying that a support worker reported to the court, and not a social worker. What does the current order state? He needs to be really clear on his application the reasons for varying the order, in the absence of any safeguarding concerns there is no reason (unless the children don't want them) why he would not get overnights - is he looking for 50/50 or some other arrangement?

It was Carcass but I was so unhappy with the process. We had two bedrooms made up ready for children should he be allowed contact/stays and she said we needed to make arrangements for the baby to share etc, despite not having the kids there and the baby being in our room in a cot. In their mum's neither had a designated bedroom,the son does not have a bed. It's a two bed property and she sleeps with him (5) and daughter with her Nan. Apparently that was fine as she was planning to buy a bed, they'd been there two years!!! I was so unhappy with her and would have reported her but we didn't want to jeopardise proceedings.

Her allegations triggered a safeguarding process so he had to go through the system to sort out contact. As stated earlier, no proof,no police or social services involved but her word against his. I honestly think she thought that by withholding the kids, he'd re-enter the relationship as this behaviour had been a common theme in their earlier relationship.

The children have asked to stay and it's not in court order so his hands are tied there. It is honestly driven by money. Thanks for all advice, he can plan the route back to court with a little more insight into the process.

I think this sort of ex behaviour where kids are involved is a lot more common than people realise. I've come to find that the more a parent is publicly slated across social media etc for being "A Deatbeat", the more it tends to be false. Those that shout the loudest usually have the most to hide. You never hear of it from those whose exes really are a "Deadbeat" because generally the custodial parent normally has their child's best interest at heart and wants to protect the children from the truth in knowing this.

Court absolutely would grant 50/50 if that's what he wants. If she makes allegations it's likely the court will get caffcass involved to run a background investigation. These authorities aren't stupid and can see right through people like this, they deal with this common bitterness every single day.

It's difficult when the kids are younger, but eventually all contact will be cut and things do get a lot easier, you just kind of have to ride the waves and stay strong - breaking you both is their end goal, never let them win!

I had 5 years of hell, too! But things are so much better now. The kids are happier and we can now finally breathe and feel safe in our own home. It's been a rollercoaster to say the least, but we came out the other end stronger for it, as I'm sure you will too!

Some days you feel like this could all end if you just simply walk away, but you walk away and you break your own heart - it feels a lose/lose no matter which way you turn. But as a strong survivor of years of the old "ex abuse", I can promise that it does eventually get better.

Good luck, OP x

Thank you so much for a bit of reassurance. Horrible time! Xxx