Nightmare ex advice

[Sunny318]

Anyone had a real nightmare ex of their DH to contend with?

DH has two children with ex and we have a DC and life is busy but everyone gets on and family life is generally lovely. The big, dark cloud is the ex. She tried all ways to block contact when they parted ways and then he went through courts and children had to speak to agencies etc as she had made a number of nasty allegations (baseless but for obvious safeguarding reasons had to be investigated) so it took around a year to resume contact. She loves screaming in the street and has harassed us through phone calls and letters.

The children are definitely her weapon of choice and they have been put through it. She will try to change contact at drop of a hat or play up that he does nothing for them etc. We both work full time and she works twice a week so she knows that we can't make big changes due to these commitments plus she has plenty of time child free in week to get house work etc done,it's tough for us trying to juggle it all. They exist on fast food and have struggled to use cutlery with meals at our house and they are usually inadequately dressed for cold weather. I know I am not their parent but I do care about them and for their futures. I leave it to their Dad to remind them about eating well etc as I don't want to be seen as the nasty/bossy step parent.

At present we have very little time off and money is tighter as it is for everyone so we're trying to eat more home meals and plan reasonably priced days out but she's always trying to rant down the phone about anything that is inconveniencing her and it's a bit of a buzz kill, he has asked her to contact him for emergencies only but she is not adhering to this. She also loves a pointed social media rant about how rubbish he is as a father. We're nearly three years down the line with this.

Part of me feels a bit sorry for her, she's not moved on from the relationship and is bitter about it all BUT sometimes it gets so much and I'm just secretly seething as I don't want to fall out with DH over her nonsense. I don't want her behaviour to drive a wedge between us but on times I could lose the plot.

I try to just rise above it, I have zero contact with her, don't know her and don't ever want to but when will it just go away? Do they ever just move on and let go?!

Yup, my DHs ex is a nightmare but things have gotten better over the last couple of years. Boundaries are your friend.

How old are the kids? What is the schedule? Where do transition occur?

Aw thank you. Kids are 11 and 5 and ours is 1. It's just so draining. I've never known anything like it!! Thanks for your reply. There are days where I could just walk away xx

Oh and he sorts all transitions either at school or her house so I'm never placed in that position. I'm so easy going that if she was decent, I'd help a lot more but there is no way. She posted pics and false info about me online that was potentially career damaging so I've washed my hands of her.

Have you got her blocked on absolutely everything? I don't think there's any reason for you to be in touch if she's not willing to be reasonable.

So how often do you have the kids?

how much financial support does he provide for the kids?

were you the reason for the split?

not to judge, but the first two will be easier to fix. The third will be trickier.

As above, perhaps firmer boundaries could help. Block all socials so if she's being nasty you are both simply unaware. She can shout in to the void. I know people in similar situations mainly communicate by email as it takes the heat out of back and forth texts. Although this is harder when the children are young. I have a nasty ex and it's very easy to be triggered but if she finds herself shouting in to the void more, she may stop putting so much effort in to it. Good luck OP

Hello!
We have children 3 times a week, he pays full child support as she will not permit overnight stays. They had separates before we met but she still goes with he chose me over his kids, the interesting point being that he was only stopped from seeing the children when he met me.

Thank you so much. We have blocked her but so called helpful people pass it on so maybe we need to just deflect them too xxx

Yes blocked but so called friends always pass on her exploits xxx

Me again. I'd tell the friends you don't want to know what's on socials thanks and if they persist, give them a swerve too. I mean bloody hell, have they nothing better to do? You could consider a cease and desist letter. They can be very effective. xx

We had the same, for a couple of years, she was ruining our plans, cancelling holidays, getting ballistic if we didn’t bend backwards to accommodate her requests, grilling the kids for information and making them feel guilty if they had a good time when I was present.

The bottom line is that she can only behave like that because your husband is not setting and enforcing proper boundaries. I don’t think anyone will appreciate you taking into the task to put boundaries in place, you would become the wicked stepmother if you do, what you need to do is act as an auntie to them: you are nice to them but let their parents deal with them.

What worked for us to appease the dragon was for me to clear off to have one to one time with my son to let DP spend his contact time alone with his. She is no longer jealous, the kids are more settled, she is no longer throwing tantrums and both DP and I have time to devote to our children exclusively. This may be good in your case, given the big age difference, no need to force your SC into doing toddler activities or have your toddler sidelined in older kids activities.

Thank you. I wanted to do that via solicitor but he is so scared she will stop contact it's like we're on egg shells. Thank you for the kindness l, thought people might be judgemental and mean xxxx

You've got it completely 💗 I think the time apart thing will do us wonders. His kids are not the issue but it would solve some of the mini dramas and allow me to have a break. Lots of love and I'm hoping our future is brighter xx

Your DH needs to grow a pair OP.

I could never be with a man who didn't fight for his kids. He has a right to overnights. He needs to enforce that . Or to be more accurate his kids have a right to overnights. With their dad.

Tell him to stop appeasing and fill out the court forms himself . Most people sort contact orders themselves these days as they can't afford lawyers .

It cost £215 for the court fee. Less if you get any benefits. Call her bluff and get it all court ordered . !

Why is your dh not going back to court for access arrangements that include overnights? I would be more concerned that he hasn’t done this already.

Please don't send a cease and desist letter. We have them at work occasionally. Always sent by grade a nutters and have no bearing whatsoever on what will happen.

I agree with soon. Why hasn't he applied for overnights?

Can he go to court for proper contact including overnights and get the parental alienation and harassment and comms channels dealt with then?

Because of their ages she could keep this up for another 15 years. it must be really disruptive for the DC to never stay with you. Your DH should get the time he deserves.

He needs to go to court and get (sadly) rigid contact including overnights.

I agree one on one time each with his older DC would be beneficial too.

Urgh, another dad claiming "she won't let me......". Well the law will and any decent dad would go through the proper channels to ensure he gets equal time with his kids.

Mum's need to stop thinking they own the rights to their children and dad's need to stop just going along with it.

My DH had his kids 50:50 right from the start. Wouldn't have accepted any less. After a year the ex wanted to make changes DH didn't feel was in the best interests of DSD. At the time their parenting schedule was only decided between them, nothing on paper. She stopped DH seeing DSD for 2 months because he wouldn't agree to her changes. You can expect that she'll pull a stunt like this. This is what they do. They use the kids as weapons to get their own way. It was a horrific 2 months but had he just went along with the ex he would have had less time with DSD. We lost 2 months with DSD but as a result we now have a formal written schedule in place covering Xmas, birthdays etc and we still have 50:50. Since then things are a bit smoother as when the ex tries to argue about schedule changes or who has her for her birthday she is referred to the schedule.

We've had to go on holiday without DSD once as the ex withdrew her permission last minute and said she's report us for kidnapping. We've had to make police report because she's made malicious calls to our work and false allegations to the council etc. Record everything.

In terms of boundaries. Boundaries are for you, not her. You can't set a boundary then expect her to stick to it. You have no control over her. If she's calling and ranting down the phone block her number. Revert to email correspondence only. Sent up a separate email, switch off notifications and check it intermittently. Or use a parenting app.

Look up grey rock method. Do not reply to anything that does require a response. She send an email ranting about something you've done, ignore it. Only respond. Anything that requires a response. "Can you take the kids on this weekend?" The response should be simple and boring. Do not explain yourself or give reasons. Simple yes or no answers. If she's not getting the rise out of you she's looking for she will get bored eventually.

You also need to let go of how she chooses to parent unless there are safeguarding issues. She feeds them junk, so what. Nothing you can do. We had the same situation and I was left having to explain to 4yo that she can't have a pot noodle for dinner even though mummy lets her. Do not bad mouth their mum but I've always just said mummy can make the rules in her her and we make them in ours.

Make sure you have everything the kids need at yours so if they show up not properly dressed you can dress them.

You need to do mediation before applying to court so he needs to get that sorted. Get the overnights sorted. He can apply for 50:50 and unless there's any big issues he'll likely be granted it. Make sure the court order covers Xmas and birthdays etc.

Remember at 11/12 the eldest DC wishes will be very much listened to, if they want overnights the court will support that.

Thank you all so much. He did go to court but she would not permit overnight and had made so many horrible allegations that were based on her word against his (ie never in any trouble with police) in fact she was a serial abuser and a nasty piece of work - this info has come from another party my DH has never told me that she hit him. He had not seen them for a year so initially was happy just to have them back in his life. He did fight and it nearly broke him, he's always been a hands on dad.

We are currently trying to work on a way forward to go back to court about the overnight issue now that they have had time with us. He's spent a fair bit to this point and it's been so frustrating.

The grey rock idea sounds good.

Having a baby and this grief is tough and we are doing our best. Xx

Most courts go with 50/50 as a starting point. Given the kids ages, that shouldn’t be a problem. If he took that to court he’d get it.

Most courts go with 50/50 as a starting point. Given the kids ages, that shouldn’t be a problem. If he took that to court he’d get it.

This absolute bullshit. Every case is assessed on their own merits putting the interests of the children first. No court would take a decision on anything without considering all the factors. There are no guarantees on ANY case that residence will be split 50/50 no matter the age of the kids UNLESS both parents agree to it.

Having said that, if the dad has been seeing the children regularly several times a week for a long time, I would be very surprised if any court agrees with the mum that there should not be overnight contact at all.

Thank you. From what I have seen, rightly or wrongly the mother of children seems to have more power in court. The support worker assigned took on board all of her 'allegations', documented them for court and seemingly investigated them but did not do the same in return from his statements. For example, we saw the mother of the children driving with the little one stood up in the back of her car and nearly hanging out if the window on several occasions and this was never mentioned - it was just a nightmare. There was no proof of any of things she alleged but it was up to my DH to defend himself and in the end the he proved he was a safe and responsible Dad. She does not want to have her payments affected by overnight stays and that is the only reason she is preventing it. Initially she said he would never see his kids again and then wanted him to have 8am-8pm every Saturday and Sunday. I mean what a turn around in attitude!

The system needs a good overhaul I think, I was shocked by it. He never wanted to involve courts but she simply would not let him see them so it was the only way. The fact that initially he had to have supervised contact with his children and they were interviewed at school several times was absolutely awful and I worry about the longer impact of this on the children too.

The more I reflect back on it, the angrier I feel.

IME it's far from true that mothers have more power, just as it's not true the starting point is 50:50 which gets trotted out here every time.

I think it would be highly unusual if your DP wasn't awarded overnights if he went back to court so he just needs to fill in the forms and fight for it.

She has the power because he's giving it to her, not the court.