Is anyone actually happy living in a blended family? If so why?

[rainydays1234]

Struggling again this weekend with living as a 'blended family' and it comes down to the fact that he cares about his children, I care about my children, and truthfully we'd rather do without the other's children.

I'm sure this is at the heart of most other blended families issues.

I've heard two stories where the families were happy- but on closer inspection it turns out they only see the 'step children' for 2 nights in 14, which in my opinion is massively different from trying to live in normal life.

I don't want to be doom and gloom- so I'm really interested to hear of people who are actually happy living together and why.

From my side - living with the love of my life, no question. He is utterly wonderful every day. We both have 2 kids each - 10-14. All trying to live together- with a fair bit of back and forth to the other parents. But a lot of time in this home together.

On a good day - feels like we're flatmates. On a bad day - is really upsetting and stressful and affects my sleep.

Oldest two not showing signs of going to uni, and the assumption is my Stepson will never move out.

I think a lot of the pressure comes from people feeling they HAVE to blend, have to go on holidays together, have to do everything all together and that they can't talk about the fact it's hard because then they'll look like the wicked stepmother (or some helpful soul will tell them they "knew what they were getting into").

When people have children together they can complain about them as they both know the other one loves them unconditionally but when partner A complains about partner B's children it feels like a threat, and parents are biologically conditioned to feel protective over their biological children.

It's so important to have safe spaces to talk about how you really feel without judgement from others, for all types of parents but particularly Stepmothers

This is so true i once complained about my SS who talked all the way through a film we were all watching it was very annoying i could see everyone getting annoyed and i said this to my partner in private afterwards (who I know also found this annoying) he was so angry i called his son annoying he didn’t speak to me all day i didn’t say it in a nasty way and if one of my children was doing it I would have said them same but i would have also told them to be quiet when we were watching the film.

Meh I've completely given up on joint holidays, the ones we've done so far have been a disaster as we don't all like doing the same thing. My holiday time is too precious for it to not be enjoyable.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 That's where I am too. It makes me feel sad as I want to have holidays with my DH but it's just not worth it. It's filled with walking on eggshells and conflict. It's harder to navigate it as we have a shared DC but we're muddling on through.

Its interesting reading different families experiences. I am in a happy blended family. I have 2 dcs, DH has 1. The dcs are all very close and I think DSS quite likes having siblings now after years of being an only. We have a friendly relationship with the exes, which helps massively. We agreed from the start that we would both discipline each others dcs, we would never disagree with each other in front of the dcs and we would treat all 3 dcs like our own when they're with us. It's working very well so far and the slightly awkward feeling I had whenever DSS was here has pretty much gone now. It doesn't bother me if DH says anything critical about my dcs because I can see he really likes them and cares about them, so it doesn't feel like an attack.

Good luck to you, OP. It is very refreshing to read a thread that acknowledges that it’s hard because blending families is hard, rather than claiming that it would be easy if it wasn’t for these specific SC and the specific things they do.

What leaps out from many of the posts on this board is that the OP claims she doesn’t want her SC there because they’re annoying while the truth that comes across loud and clear to a reader is that actually they’re annoying because she doesn’t want them there.

I think you’re far more likely to make it work if you’re open to the fact that, even with everyone doing their best, it can be hard and that isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault- it’s inherent in what you’re trying to do.

Struggling again this weekend with living as a 'blended family' and it comes down to the fact that he cares about his children, I care about my children, and truthfully we'd rather do without the other's children.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP, blended families are hardly the stuff of fairy tales

No direct experience with our own kids etc but DHs family is blended and it’s a mess with everyone bickering or not getting on. Always drama. I feel sorry for him and his step siblings tbh as their parents even now when everyone is grown up and adults cannot put their own drama aside and make choices for the younger generation. Gatherings are always awkward and so don’t happen much which I find very sad. My DH was very unhappy as a child as their behaviour was the same. I really think if you cannot accept the children as your own it’s not ok to continue a relationship with their parent. It’s so damaging for them and they will absolutely know you don’t care for them

Yep totally given up on shared holidays with my OH. His kids are difficult. Not their fault. High conflict divorce and undiagnosed neurodivergences by parents who were too caught up in fighting each other to help the kids. I blame the exw more here as she’s an absolute piece of work. But anyway not my circus or monkeys. I can ‘do’ OH’s kids for a day or two. I feel sorry for them and I’m kind. But my holiday is precious. It costs money and time. I go with friends.

Totally don’t be hard on yourself. I think men who ask for blended families may actually mean ‘I’m sad I don’t have a wife anymore please do my laundry and plan meals for my children.’

If the man helped you buy you a nice house and does the DIY you don’t want to do and treats you like a queen and takes your gran to Waitrose and is giving you an ours baby - but his ex wife his mean and his kids are tricky, I think it balances.

But make sure you’re getting out as much as you put in. I chose not to blend, keep own career and house and social life. My OH has tricky kids. I’m nice to them when I see them and sometimes I see them quite a bit but I always step back when I need to. They have two parents.

My stepkids are in their late thirties and it's still so so hard. Sometimes they are nice, other times they make me feel
Like nothing & in fact openly
Say "she's not family"

If I could turn back time - I wouldn't go there despite still being very very in love with my wonderful partner.

there are some really sweet examples of blended families on here by they seem to be the exception rather than the rule. Mostly they make everyone involved unhappy.

Hi,
I have been reading for hours now about blended families, and in most cases, they were not happy (conflicts between children, different parenting methods..;I am LAT, living apart seperately, and thank god for that. I think people are happier with two different households, it is not ideal but at leats you have PEACE

Why bother? The kids never, ever thrive in blended families. They make do.

It's beyond selfish.

What a load of codswallop!

And that's coming from a step-child. I absolutely thrived and loved growing up with my 2 step brothers and couldn't imagine life without them.

Just as I can't imagine life now without my wonderful step-daughter. She is doing very well in life and is a confident happy little kid.

Kids won't thrive in nuclear families if their parents are both miserable and at each other's throats daily!

Most happy and well established blended families don't need to get advice on Mumsnet, so if you are going purely by this thread then it will be very very misleading.

I’ve had my struggles as a step mum. The thing that saved my sanity was the concept of “Nacho” parenting.

I find that media and threads like this can feed my internal narrative of “this can never work” - which is not true

I wouldn’t recommend a blended family to anyone as Plan A, but if you find yourself in this scenario for whatever reason, you can definitely make it work.

Thank you for saying this

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Everyone is entitled to private opinions but that's very hurtful for them to talk openly like this. How long have you been in their lives?