Is anyone actually happy living in a blended family? If so why?

[rainydays1234]

Struggling again this weekend with living as a 'blended family' and it comes down to the fact that he cares about his children, I care about my children, and truthfully we'd rather do without the other's children.

I'm sure this is at the heart of most other blended families issues.

I've heard two stories where the families were happy- but on closer inspection it turns out they only see the 'step children' for 2 nights in 14, which in my opinion is massively different from trying to live in normal life.

I don't want to be doom and gloom- so I'm really interested to hear of people who are actually happy living together and why.

From my side - living with the love of my life, no question. He is utterly wonderful every day. We both have 2 kids each - 10-14. All trying to live together- with a fair bit of back and forth to the other parents. But a lot of time in this home together.

On a good day - feels like we're flatmates. On a bad day - is really upsetting and stressful and affects my sleep.

Oldest two not showing signs of going to uni, and the assumption is my Stepson will never move out.

Wow, I'd be getting a lock on my bedroom door if i were you @DocOck. Would they think it was ok for you to barge into their bedrooms unannounced?

I guess because it's their dad's room too and he's in there they think it's fine to come in. It's got a bit lesser as they've got older and maybe have more awareness but they used to come and get into bed with us which made me really uncomfortable.To be fair to DH I think he picked up on that and if they come in first thing in the morning he will usher them out and get up with them and sit in the lounge.

OMG just no. I don't care if it's their dad's room as well - you have every right to your privacy.

My partner and I tried blending after many years of being together. Same as op thought it would be nice to live in a family after many years being a single parent. One Son each both teens and both live with us full time. Recently they moved out. Mainly my decision and I still feel bad but I just wasn't happy. Felt very much like us and them. I felt uncomfortable around his Son at times, also found it hard to warm to him. Felt huge guilt for that. My partner and I would argue about fairness when it came to little things. I found the whole thing exhausting. Sadly my Son really misses having other 'boys' in the house and a male role model he could look up to.

Now I feel guilty for showing him a family set up then taking it away. But ultimately I couldn't see myself being happy. My partners Son had some issues too and I found that hard. What one poster said about it being unnatural hit the nail on the head. I always felt like I had a visitor in my house, couldn't properly relax and always having to conscious of being fair etc.

I found it all so difficult, we now live apart and are still together. He is the love of my life too and eventually we will live together when the time is right.

Exhausting is the right word @Felic23 I find it all so draining.

This.
If it feels hard for the step parents, imagine how it feels for the poor kids.

I care about my children, and truthfully we'd rather do without the other's children. I'm sure this is at the heart of most other blended families issues

The really sad thing is that dc know this. You are essentially living under a roof with 'family' who prefer that you didn't exist 😢. I made a vow to myself as a child that once I had dc I'd never have another man living with them who wasn't their father. My mum thinks our blended family was great BTW!

What we do in our blended family that really works (best in mind this took a while and we had to work at it)

• me and my stepchildren's mother chat a lot, meet up with the kids without my DH and do silly things like send eachother random memes for a laugh

• being it the same page parenting wise. my stepchildren's mother trusts me to dicipline my stepchildren just as she would and just as I would my own and if I have confiscated electronics for whatever the reason she backs me up and me and DH back her up when SC ring and say 'mums said I'm grounded for two days for whatever' me and DH damn well agree with her and enforce it too

• we all communicate and will ring eachother and say this has happened or this is happening how best do you think we should approach this... example such as one of the kids have been told off in school. It's a discussion with ALL of us

• flexibility. I may spur of the moment realise there's a a fair on in our village and just send a text saying popping to the fair didn't realise it's in do the kids want to come I can take them or you can come with us. Also if me or DH or our shared children are ill and it's our night to have the kids then she is flexible and will say no problem let's do another night and visa versa if she isn't feeling well and it's not her day all she has to do is ask if me or DH could have the kids for a few days and that's 99% of time met with a yes.

• we plan xmas and let eachother know who's bought what and split on big items .. PlayStations etc

• basically we all respect each other and never ever disagree with each other INFRONT of the kids sight or hearing

• I am included in sports events, school plays, parents evenings etc

This was not always the case but since thier mother has met someone else things have really started to flow

Not a cats chance in hell for a lot of people @handfulofsugar My husbands ex-wife won't even acknowledge the fact that we have a child together, she blocks me from contacting my stepchildren when they are with her and consequently they walk on eggshells so not to upset her so I cannot be mentioned. And she has a partner as we understand it.

Not quite the same on my side, me and my ex are relatively amicable, we have our moments but come together for the greater good to agree on stuff for the kids and help each other out where we can.

In sorry to hear that but that's nothing on you. The way your stepchildren's mother behaves is unacceptable and it's sad that she would behave like that. Being a parent is about putting your children first. She is being cruel by not starting with being civil and working towards being a really blended family with love and respect. Maybe one day she will let the bitterness and her ex go so the kids can have a decent upbringing. Sending love to you and hope you manage to stay strong.

I'm a happy step-mum and I think our kids are happy too. But their mum died so it's a different dynamic. No split loyalties, one home, and I can parent them alongside my dh.

This sounds awful but the most successful (read least trauma inducing) blended families I've seen are those that are of the Jeremy Kyle ilk. The kids are used to different partners coming in/out anyway, they arent afraid to tell each other to eff off, they can have a fist fight one minute then all hard feelings have gone until the next time and everyone's great friends again. These type call their boyfriend of 3 days dc their step kids. Children in these families know exactly where they stand and they aren't afraid to make their opinions/feelings known. It's much harder for dc who are unhappy in their homes but feel the need to go along with it as their parent is madly in love.

I was absolutely miserable living with my mum's partner as a teen. I felt like a stranger in my own home. It was like it was their home and I was just the reminder of a previous relationship that failed. And the worst part was that in my head, I kept thinking "I want to go home". But I was home. It just didn’t feel like home anymore.

Yes very happy. DP has 2 children 50/50 with his ex. I have 1 with no dad involved.

The thing I like about it the most is my child has siblings without me having to have another baby - which I don't think I really want.

Of course there is some bickering and irritation between DP and his ex but nothing very serious - nothing like I read about on here. We all work in same area and have relatively similar values, maybe that helps.

Main downside is having to factor ex wife in to decisions about where we live. We have flexible jobs so would have far more options otherwise.

@handfulofsugar , before he stopped seeing dd1 completely , my ex wouldn’t even let me know where he lived ! So there was never going to be a friendly relationship, plus his partner was a very enthusiastic ow . In some ways him dropping dd1 , saved her from having to deal with two truly dreadful people .

I'm sure it's not so simple, but why don't you do the chores, washing, cooking etc when they're not there so you can spend quality time with them? Batch cook, stop ironing everything, teach them to use the dishwasher and washing machine.....

I think we've done pretty well, but our situation is simpler, not really blended. I met DH when DS1 and 2 were 5 and 7, they're now 17 and 19, one at uni. He has no children, just a puppy, who is now getting old. We lived separately for the first 5 years, then moved in together and finally got married just over a year ago. It took him time to get used to the idea of being a blended family, but he got used to having kids around, got to know them well and moved in when we all felt ready. He has always got on with them and there hasn't been conflict. But I know he had always appreciated our time alone together when they are with their dad. I do sympathise because I think it would have been much more complicated if he'd had kids too. My mum, who had my sister and I, got remarried to someone with 3 kids and the whole blended family situation was really difficult for us all.

Yes great replies thank you. I think the good examples aren't really blending the children too much.

@handfulofsugar it sounds like you have step kids and shared kids but not your own kids?

That's my friend's situation and it does seem a lot easier for her because she looks at the step kids as her children's siblings which they are. And the step kids are delighted to have babies in the family- so it is all a lot easier for her inthat respect.

Also the pp who has her kid 100% and step kids 50% I'm sure if I had my kids 100% id be a lot happier. One of the difficulties is people coming and going all the time.

Love having all the kids here. We have a good balance of everyone here together and 1:1 time. Do have kids here majority of the time tho.

However DP ex has got more and more difficult and I feel like we are under a microscope and waiting for the next scathing email listing everything we have done wrong.

@madderthanahatter

Not sure about your characterisation but I think its easier in contexts where blended families are the norm/ more accepted! I'd say we've got a pretty liberal laid back mindset which helps with dealing with a blended family I think.

My sibling has slightly more 'traditional' ideas/ expectations around family life and children, and think they would struggle more - (not saying that is a negative, just that I think these things impact on dealing with blending).

My blended family is happy. We took our time moving in together. It helps that me and DP are both amicable with our respective exes and we're very flexible with moving things around when it comes to arrangements with the DC. DP is also a very good parent so there's no 'Disney Dad' behaviour. He doesn't expect me to take care of his DC and vice versa, although we do often help each other out if needed, but always on our own terms. Our DC all get along as well. There are times when they're all here together and at other times it's just DP's or mine here and they always ask if the others will be here/when they'll all be together next.

Sorry but blended family horror story here. Look away if it might be too much.

My experience was that the DP moved in with me and my child a year into our relationship and we had his 2 kids most weekends and during school holidays. It was fine for about 6 months but then the exw lost contact with life’s rails. She suddenly relocated 1.5 hours away, put the kids in new schools, developed a real passion for bottom shelf wine and the children just fell apart. After the disruption of divorce it was clearly too much for them. These two young boys who were always a bit raised-by-wolves- but-happy, they were now wrecked. Just constantly fighting, bedwetting every night years after they had been out of nappies, whining with every breath and damaging my home. I went on anti-depressants from the anxiety leading up to…ok and during…and ah, also actually after their visits. I went for the middle shelf wine, a lot.

The next part of the drama was that the exw , suddenly offered my DP 50-50 child access after refusing this for two years in court. (She had by then secured a very generous financial settlement from him for years to come so some might say this was planned all along but I couldn’t possibly comment.)

So DP decided to relocate to be near the kids.
And he took up a new religion - cakeism. He could have it all, he thought, if me and my child moved to the ex wife’s new area with him. I decided not to.

The place he went to is 90 minutes from my work, doesn’t have a single good secondary school and is one of those grim 1980s ‘towns’ that are really a string of housing estates that came to life as the hastily conceived offspring of Tory councils and greedy developers before being left to rot by the sides of A roads. The ‘desirable’ streets are deemed so in estate agent adverts because they are ‘near the Asda.’

Putting my unattractive snobbery aside, mainly I wasn’t going there to let my DP’s drama disrupt my child too. They are happy in a nice school and doing well academically. Too much to risk.

And I now see that I had a very lucky escape. I would have stuck it out as a stepmom if DP had stayed here and likely continued with the weekends, however overwhelming his kids were, but the choice was made for me and I am now fine with it. I have slowly recovered from the stepping ordeal and laid down my corkscrew and citalopram and restarted choir and Pilates. I feel great.

DP’s kids however have still not recovered. I remain very fond of them but they remain very challenging. I know that if I’d relocated with DP and (eek!) married into this step family I’d have lost my mind and career from the stress of it all. So I’m glad I’m out. Should I have run a mile already? Probably. Might still. But for now I enjoy having my partner’s company as well as my own time. And life is what you make of it. I’m ok.

Gosh. But this is it isn’t it? I also had a stepmum and never felt welcome, just like an awkward guest. This is extreme but I always got given the most crappy towel to use, slept on an airbed in the living room, felt in the way when the ‘family’ came down from their bedrooms. They took their two kids on foreign holidays and left me behind every time. I had a period accident in a swimming pool as no-one gave me tampons. Overheard SM telling dad it was ‘disgusting’ that my mother had not sent me there with any but still baffled why people with a 13 year old girl in their home wouldnt think to provide some. I was driven there and back and given meals and had some clothes washed and maybe we went swimming and that was the fortnightly visit. Looking back I think it was probably that I was ‘difficult,’ my SM detached and my dad didn’t then step up. I have barely any relationship with my dad or SM now. I actually have a much better job than their ‘real family’ kids and I could help them out when they are old and need care, but I won’t be. Perhaps I will send them some towels from Argos one day.

I'd live separately, but close by. Is that possible?

That's sounds really hard. I think for a blended family to work both parents need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting styles and discipline. It can be very frustrating when you're trying to bring your kids up to pick up after themselves, help out with housework and your partner's kids just run riot and do what they want.

I don't really know if my family would count as a blended family as I don't have my own bio kids. We have my DSS17 full-time who is actually my DHs stepson but calls him dad, my DSS16 who has a different mum to the other 2 kids and only comes through now and again due to distance and wanting to hang out with his mates. Then there's my DSD5 who is my DHs with DSS17s mum who we have 50%. So they were already a blended family before I came on the scene.

Even though I don't have my own kids I still play a big part in raising my stepkids, especially DSD. The reason this works for us is because my DH and I are on the same page about how the kids should be raised and the expectations and rules for our home. DH treats me as his equal so if I discipline one of the kids he trusts that it was the right thing to do. He listens to my concerns, takes my advice and we discuss things. DH also ensure he makes time for us as a couple and I am as much a priority as the kids.

I think this is the key to a happy blended family. Having a solid happy relationship and a united front.