Is anyone actually happy living in a blended family? If so why?

[rainydays1234]

Struggling again this weekend with living as a 'blended family' and it comes down to the fact that he cares about his children, I care about my children, and truthfully we'd rather do without the other's children.

I'm sure this is at the heart of most other blended families issues.

I've heard two stories where the families were happy- but on closer inspection it turns out they only see the 'step children' for 2 nights in 14, which in my opinion is massively different from trying to live in normal life.

I don't want to be doom and gloom- so I'm really interested to hear of people who are actually happy living together and why.

From my side - living with the love of my life, no question. He is utterly wonderful every day. We both have 2 kids each - 10-14. All trying to live together- with a fair bit of back and forth to the other parents. But a lot of time in this home together.

On a good day - feels like we're flatmates. On a bad day - is really upsetting and stressful and affects my sleep.

Oldest two not showing signs of going to uni, and the assumption is my Stepson will never move out.

I resigned to the fact i'd never be 100% happy a while ago...which is sad.

I dont believe anyone that says they're 100% happy...there are far too many factors, stresses and emotions that come with it. If i knew how I'd feel later down the line I wouldnt have done it (but i have 2 beautiful children out of it so currently sticking it out for them...)

Not everyone goes to uni though. Uni causes debt. They might move into a houseshare or with a partner.

Everyone has stresses in their lives whether they're in a blended family or not. It doesn't mean they're not happy.

My stepkids mum is a vile person and has caused a lot of problems for us and the kids but we have boundaries in place and do our best to minimise her impact on our lives. Would things be better if she wasn't so difficult? Of course. But it doesn't mean we can't be happy.

But 100% happy?

Is anyone ever 100%? That was my point. It's not exclusively a blended family thing.

@SeriouslySad that's great you love having all the kids with you! That was my vision when we blended- I love a busy household (in theory at least!)

Totally agree @madderthanahatter my DPs kids all have step kids and half brothers sisters on the other side - and didn't blink twice at the situation.

Me and my kids are so much more traditional/conservative- it's mum, dad & 2.4 kids. So it's been much more difficult for us.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. We only have my DSS every other weekend and I often wondered if I'd find it easier if he lived with us full time (he copy's a lot of mums habits unfortunately) but reading this has made me realise that I think I'd just struggle in a different way. I love my husband and he's the best dad to our DD and DSS but I have told him that I would have never married someone with a child if I knew it would be this way. Since your children are all older can you put aside time for just yourself and your partner? This is something that I look forward to.

I am not 100% happy, but I keep it all inside myself. Every day I tell my step children that I love them and I do for them more or less everything I do for my biological children - within reason.

I share my biological children with my husband. I have no children from a previous. I think because if this dynamic, and for the sake of my own children as well as my steps, it is more important than ever to make all children in our home feel equal and loved.

I do not “love” my step children in the same way I do my own children. I feel respectful towards them - they were here first. I am here to enrich, not to upset their apple cart. Despite my feelings, I make sure they feel loved every day because I want to give them the best chance of being well-adapted and being able to form normal relationships into adulthood. Life is much more fulfilling when you can enjoy fulsome relationships with others. And besides, they’ll never move out if they’re too broken to marry!!

My step children are both at secondary school now. I met them when they were babies / toddlers - I was not the other woman, by the way!

I think the feeling is mutual. They seem mostly to like me but there’s no way they confuse it with love for their parents.

They are sometimes with us all the time, sometimes only half. Never less than that, which I guess means they feel good here. Their mother allows the children to choose for themselves, so long as we pay her £1,100 per month. There have been custody battles in our past. Long, expensive and treacherous. They almost broke us.

I hate their mother with my every fibre. But I keep that all in too.

Some days, I feel like I don’t like anything… I don’t like the mess, the rudeness, the meals they demand… and there’s loads of weirdness around growing up. They aren’t SEN but the 14yo isn’t allowed a bra and still sits in a high-back car seat. The 11yo still has to be bathed… (NOT BY ME, TYVM)

But most days, I’m okay. I’m busy - I work a lot and I have a lot of people to run around after. I don’t have a lot of time to sit around feeling annoyed.

Keep it in. Keep it in. Fairly certain I’m going to end up with a stomach ulcer.

Overall, I would say I don’t mind my life but that is not a ringing endorsement. I wouldn’t say I recommend it.

I do not allow ANY children in our en suite. Whether I grew them or not… No kids in the en suite. This is how and where I survive. This tiny room is where I am 100% happy.

@JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit I’m intrigued by the not being allowed to grow up stuff… who won’t allow your SD to have a bra and makes her sit in a high back booster at 14?! If it’s her mum and your husband doesn’t agree then why don’t you just take her bra shopping when she’s with you and take away the car seat? If it’s your husband who is insisting on these odd things then aren’t you concerned he’ll be the same with your joint dc?

@Sotired22 she does not use a car seat in our car. My husband does not agree with the rules set by mum and they are different in our house.

I cannot take my step daughter shopping for a bra. It is overstepping my role. She does not want to go with her dad.

That the default response here is a thinly veiled “Dad is obviously a shit and you probably shouldn’t have had kids with him” is a testament to the ridiculous double standards applied.
Mum is a saint. Obvs. 🙄

@JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit no sorry I didn’t mean that at all, I was just genuinely intrigued by the situation! Doesn’t sound like the mum is a saint in the slightest. I just wondered if their dad was on board with these strange views and if so what would happen for your own dc. Totally fair enough if you feel like you can’t take her bra shopping, I just feel sorry for the poor girl, she must be embarrassed getting changed for PE etc. My own mum was quite resistant to me getting a bra and I remember being desperate and borrowing one off a friend and hiding it!

We are a happy blended family. Dh and I have been together 13 years. He has three children (adults now) and I have two. I love his children (not that they're children anymore). They are part of my family. They are all older now so not living at home, although his daughter comes back quite a bit in between Uni and travelling and she still has a room at our house. I contact them outside of him and I support them the same way I do my children.

When we met I was really wary about whether a blended family would work. I read so many articles about failed second marriages and the pain it caused. But Dh convinced me we could do it and he was right. Obviously no one's life is perfect and there have been moments where I think we could have had arguments or problems but the best advice I read was to remember that the kids didn't ask for this. It wasn't their choice to be in a blended family so to give them time, be patient and go at their own pace.

I'm so sorry to read the stories here of people who felt unwelcome with a step parent, and of those of you with really difficult situations. I don't mean this to sound smug. We had a lot of luck involved but I just wanted to share a positive story to add to the balance.

This post makes me so sad, some situations sound so challenging.

We are really happy as a blended family. Our kids get along well and we mostly have positive co parenting relationships.

For me the key is being able to give and receive feedback, all ways. You need to be able to share the major irritations and take on board feedback without getting defensive which takes practice. You also have to be willing to adapt your parenting style to accommodate a different way of doing things. We have so learnt to pick our battles and ask ourselves does this issue really matter in the grand scheme of life.

Some examples: my step kids were used to having tablets in the car on full volume, mine weren't allowed screens in the car. Now they can all have tablets for longer journeys but must wear headphones. Would I prefer to chat and play games? Yes, but it's not a big life issue.

We had different rules on eating at the table, bedtimes and snacks for example but each time a difference came up we involved the kids in the discussion and agreed a compromise.

There are so many positives: the kids have tried new activities, inspired by a sibling, they have made new friends, been on different kinds of holidays and in some cases become more independent.

It takes time and commitment but with the right partner it can work. Have we had rows? Absolutely, especially in the first 12 months, but we have a happy life and happy kids most of the time

Both adults have to be willing to.compromise, without that it doesn't work

I hear this a lot from Stepmums, you aren't alone. Even if you like your stepkids a lot is it a different dynamic xx

I have actually really enjoyed being a step mum. BUT I think the key difference is I do not have (by choice) dc of my own and I also had really awful step parents so was determined to not be like them. And funnily enough, that made it easier. If ever I wasn’t sure what to do, I would imagine what they would do, and do the opposite!
DSC are adult now but often come and stay and we all go on holiday together etc.
I love them and feel lucky to have them in my life. I can see how it might be different though if I did have dc of my own and if I didn’t have such awful role models to avoid!

Every word of this resonates with me. Thanks for sharing. (Step mum to 7 year old)

There is an awful lot of statements here about what the parents want and feel, with very few mentions of how the children feel.

Comments like this make me want to scream.

All we do as step parents is think about what is best for the kids. We uproot our lives for our partners kids and push our own needs aside day in day out. Year after year. We know this is the right thing to do, the kids didn’t choose this scenario and their suffering should be minimised as much as possible, but sometimes (often) the kids happiness comes at the expense of our own. We thought hard about getting into these situations and now some of us are mourning the lives we will never have. We come here to find comfort among other people who understand how we feel because no one in our real lives seems to actually really get it. You don’t seem to be one of these people. Go and be a hero somewhere else please. Of course we give a shit about the kids. FFS

If you have some actual step-parenting experience to share I would love to hear it.

Because...we're people too, with actual feelings, and our feelings also matter. HTH.

@DocOck I am a step mum and I’ve also been a step child. Yes, I am a person and yes I have feelings. But they do not matter more than the feelings of the children involved. I am the adult, they are the children and I act accordingly. I have choice and agency, they do not. It helps to remember that.

@UtterlyButterly2048 Absolutely. But the point you're missing is this is a thread for people to share their feelings. It's not for the step children to read, so there's no reason to put their feelings above my own in this situation. And actually, adult or child, step children or biological children, I don't have to put their feelings above my own.

@Hoplolly totally agree. I am sure your SC won’t read this thread. But, if that is your attitude, I am equally sure your SC will know. I did. I don’t “pretend” that my SC come first with my DH,, they actually do. I wouldn’t have married a man who felt different. And no, I’m not a saint or a martyr but I’ve been the kid that the step mum resents. It’s a really damaging, awful place to be, when you are
little, your dad is spineless and you have no choice. Now I am an adult, with agency and choice, I would never ever choose to make any child feel like that.

They come first for my DH as they should, they don't come first for me and I won't apologise for that.

i feel exactly the same. They wont even ask me to open a bottle of drink they would rather wait until he’s out the bath. But i can cook and wash their clothes tidy up and pay for presents but thats about it makes
me sad i don’t really know what to do anymore.