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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SD has cut me out

30 replies

Thingsiseeinmybathroom · 24/01/2024 17:20

Sorry it's long..

SD is 19 and off at uni.
Me and my now ex-husband are currently separated but living together. We share a younger child.
When SD was young her mother was not great, didn't bathe her, didn't feed her properly, didn't take her to school some days, would like to her regularly about even simple things.

We had her 3 nights a week every week and I worked hard to protect her from her mum's lies, bigged up her mum where needed and did my best to give her everything, the clothes she wanted (her mum's choices she hated), got her into ballet (it was her dream), encouraged her to read (she owned 2 books when we all moved in together) and now she's an avid reader.

Over the years I have struggled with my mental health. I've not been a perfect step parent, I have made bad judgements, and have sometimes not been great with her. I've never physically harmed her.

She has claimed to her dad that I have gaslit her. I won't deny that because maybe I have unintentionally. I will carry that guilt and am going to therapy to understand what makes me who I am.

Anyway. He told me a few months ago that she doesn't want to speak to me. She refuses to come home and will stay elsewhere when back from uni.

I have tried to contact her and get ignored. She's been in the house today packing up her belongings. She shut me down even when I said hello and asked how she is.

She is a very sensitive soul, very anxious and very studious.

So what do I do?
Do I just close it down in my mind and go NC if that's her wish?

Do I keep trying?

15 years of being her step parent isn't easy to throw away in my mind.

I just feel that I am being blamed for all of her issues and her mother and other people are forgiven, or their errors not acknowledged.

(I fully expect a thrashing btw... )

OP posts:
Justanything86 · 24/01/2024 17:24

Could you write her a letter telling her how you feel and explaining you are aware were you went wrong and are having therapy? I wouldn't expect her to immediately be OK but just let her know you love her as one of your children and you will always be there if she wants to reestablish contact.

SKG231 · 24/01/2024 17:25

You never know what is going on behind closed doors in her life. She may be stressed or over whelmed about uni. She could be dealing with the shitty relationship you spoke about with her mum or many other things. Boy issues, body issues and so on.

she may be using you as a target to take these things out on because she feels safe with you or because she feels it’s the easiest option rather than her birth parents.

i wouldn’t go no contact or argue, maybe write her a nice letter or card wishing her well in uni and tell her that you love her and will always be there for her.

given time to reflect she may get back in contact.

Original poster
Thingsiseeinmybathroom · 24/01/2024 17:28

Thanks both.

I did think about writing a letter but I don't want to push her if she isn't wanting to speak to me. I also don't want her think I'm making excuses for anything.

I'll take that on board though and maybe spend some time writing it.

I thought I was ok with it all as I've not seen her since Christmas day but seeing her today just reopened the wound I think.

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 24/01/2024 17:58

I think a letter is a good idea. It's not forcing anything on her. She can choose to read it now, later or not at all.

Crazycatlady79 · 26/01/2024 00:19

I'd leave well alone for now. Respect her wishes and leave her be.

Original poster
Thingsiseeinmybathroom · 26/01/2024 20:42

Crazycatlady79 · 26/01/2024 00:19

I'd leave well alone for now. Respect her wishes and leave her be.

This is what I've decided to do.

She has made her decision and I plan to respect it. I've decided not to send a letter or anything however will pass birthday cards through her dad when it's her birthday in a couple of months.

OP posts:
Burntouted · 27/01/2024 14:06

Every adult seems to be the blame in this situation. .and have negatively impacted her life.

You never should have entered her life. ...especially when she was a very young child. Dad is the blame for allowing this.

He should have been single for a long time, spent time with her, and gotten her therapy. Instead he imposed and forced a stranger in her life, who didn't like her and treated her poorly rather quickly. .instead of can you, you two started living together and you've assumed roles you shouldn't have..a mother. A nanny..then you two forced a sibling on her..

You should have known better to insert yourself in their lives.....especially at that time.

The bad judgments, and things you exposed her to unintentionally or intentionally had an impact and influence on her. Even if you have recognized the error of your ways and are trying to be a better person...what's done is done..and it can't ever be erased.

Her father should have had her well being in mind always, she should have been top priority instead of another woman and a relationship.

Her mother is trash. Her father is trash. You've treated her poorly mostly, I'm not sure what you expected the turnout to be.

This is another reason why it isn't a good idea to blend families...nor single parents to date seriously with children in the home..imo

Unknown if things will ever get better. The damage has been done by all.

Respect her decision. That's all that you can do for her ...currently

ChanelNo19EDT · 27/01/2024 14:09

Yeh, hold off on the letter (for now).

When she said you gaslit her, does she mean that you ''pushed a narrative'' and presented it as Truth, and now she's questioning it?

I think she needs to disentangle herself from your truth iyswim.

ChanelNo19EDT · 27/01/2024 14:12

PS, my mum gaslit me and any scant attempt she's made to communicate with me has been along the lines of ''you're wrong about this, I was perfect'' when what I LONG to hear is her acknowledging that my experience of her is at least as real as her experience of me !! It sounds like a small thing but I cannot cope with her absolute certainty that she's perfect and superior to me.

Fleetheart · 27/01/2024 14:13

Nineteen year olds are notoriously sensitive and blame everyone for everything. Even when they are not stepchildren. Ignore the unhelpful comment above, none of us are perfect and you have done your best. Let her know either through her dad or in a letter that you’re sorry she feels like this; that you are always there for her etc. Hopefully she will be back one day. It’s not easy but you are the adult and have to turn the other cheek a bit. I have had similar from two nieces and from my own son! But all of them are much more appreciative now - it just takes time to work through all their stuff.

dangerrabbit · 27/01/2024 14:27

I agree with PP who suggested qriting her a letter to say you are here for her but will respect her space and then wait for her to contact you. She could come back in the future after she had some space

Meadowfinch · 27/01/2024 14:33

You could write her a letter, saying you respect her wishes and if she wants to go NC then you accept that. However if she ever changes her mind, she will always be welcome in your life.

And then leave it that. Or restrict yourself to an annual Christmas card.
But let her go her own way.

Octavia64 · 27/01/2024 14:41

Don't write to her.

Send her cards, but not too much writing.

If she is anxious, and you admit that there have been issues, just give her time.

Send birthday stuff, send Christmas stuff, send I was thinking of you cards.

Let her process it. You may well have done things that she is anxious and angry about. Respect her feelings and tell her you are respecting her feelings and give her time.

Windymcwindyson · 27/01/2024 14:44

When she actually grows I would be excepting an apology.. Ungrateful madam.

ChanelNo19EDT · 27/01/2024 15:47

If she feels that she was gaslit, then in time, ask her what her perspective is. We all have different narratives so just having a different one from her doesn't automatically mean you were gaslighting her but given that this is the actual reason she has given you, I would take the CLUE and ask her what is her understanding of the truth. Let her version be equal to your version.

Burntouted · 27/01/2024 18:15

All of the adults involved in her life seemed to have failed her immensely, and traumatized her why would a child need to apologize??

You want her to be grateful for trash parents?? neither one prioritized and acted with her best interest at heart. (If allegations are true mother was extremely negligent in care, and was prioritizing men and relationships, then abandoned her. Dad knew this, instead of fighting to get emergency custody and therapy for his daughter and himself, he was prioritizing women, relationships, and trying to find a live in woman to be nanny.. He didn't even allow his child to have a full father..she had to share her parents with others...practically all her life...

Her dad found a woman eager and desperate to go along with everything, kept her around, didn't care that this lady treated his child like crap and made poor judgements allegedly "sometimes". . This lady somewhere down the line decides to bring an innocent human being into this mess and gave them this trash father...and a trash mother

The father perhaps have brought in op during those years to parent and protect his daughter...to do all the things he should have been doing as a parent...all these years. He should have been protecting his daughter to the best of his abilities and capabilities..he should have been reassuring and protecting op as well.

Now they're all "stuck" together for the remainder of life.

Tbh the daughter needs to cut all of them off permanently..or temporarily...perhaps work through problems in therapy.

MILTOBE · 27/01/2024 18:21

What does she mean when she says you gaslit her?

Flatleak · 27/01/2024 19:10

I've never physically harmed her.

This jumps out to me as it's an incredibly low bar, not an indication of good step parenting. It sounds as though your relationship is beyond repairing and not something she wants. So I would leave her alone

C00k · 27/01/2024 19:38

It’s shocking that you chose to stay with a man who was happy to allow his kid to be in a house where she was unwashed, malnourished and neglected for four days a week. Did he not repulse you?
When marriages fail, the relationship with the ex-spouses kid tends to be non existent.
Leave her alone, as she has requested. Also, saying you’ve never physically harmed a person is strange, as a PP already wrote.

Original poster
Thingsiseeinmybathroom · 28/01/2024 12:43

Thanks all for your varied input.

@Burntouted You seem to be making a number of assumptions based on the little info I gave.

@C00k I did often ask why he didn't get full custody but they were already in this routine of when she stayed where and it wasn't my place to push it.

I'm not sure why I mentioned not physically harming her. It's not particularly relevant. I agree, it is a very low bar. As a person who survived abuse from her mother I guess I'm defensive that I am not the same as her.

It's all a really strange situation and I'm just lost

@MILTOBE in regards to the gaslighting, I'm not entirely sure what she means by it. She has refused to talk about it at all.

@ChanelNo19EDT I very much acknowledge that I may have, unintentionally. And I am absolutely far from perfect. I have messed up along the way. Parenting is hard!
I'm so sorry you have been through that with your mum.

I am choosing to respect her wishes, accept what I understand her problem to be and move on. I will not invalidate her feelings.

OP posts:
ShakeNvacStevens · 28/01/2024 13:11

The definition of gaslighting is manipulating someone into questioning their own perception of reality, so from what you've said so far it doesn't sound like that's what you were doing - you see the term misused loads on MN and elsewhere and your DSD might be doing the same. That's not to say her feelings about the situation are invalid or incorrect but it doesn't necessarily mean that you gaslit her.

You might find the following article helpful with identifying whether or not you were unintentionally gaslighting or not - once you have a better sense of what you're dealing with it might help you decide how you want to go forward:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/04/15/gaslighting-definition-relationship-abuse-response/

(You may need to input an email address to read the link above but there's no paywall).

GrumpyPanda · 28/01/2024 13:17

Burntouted · 27/01/2024 14:06

Every adult seems to be the blame in this situation. .and have negatively impacted her life.

You never should have entered her life. ...especially when she was a very young child. Dad is the blame for allowing this.

He should have been single for a long time, spent time with her, and gotten her therapy. Instead he imposed and forced a stranger in her life, who didn't like her and treated her poorly rather quickly. .instead of can you, you two started living together and you've assumed roles you shouldn't have..a mother. A nanny..then you two forced a sibling on her..

You should have known better to insert yourself in their lives.....especially at that time.

The bad judgments, and things you exposed her to unintentionally or intentionally had an impact and influence on her. Even if you have recognized the error of your ways and are trying to be a better person...what's done is done..and it can't ever be erased.

Her father should have had her well being in mind always, she should have been top priority instead of another woman and a relationship.

Her mother is trash. Her father is trash. You've treated her poorly mostly, I'm not sure what you expected the turnout to be.

This is another reason why it isn't a good idea to blend families...nor single parents to date seriously with children in the home..imo

Unknown if things will ever get better. The damage has been done by all.

Respect her decision. That's all that you can do for her ...currently

Edited

You could have saved yourself all that verbiage. Just paraphrase your post in three little words - burn. the. witch.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 30/01/2024 09:39

Oh @Thingsiseeinmybathroom , you definitely don't deserve a thrashing :(

It sounds like you've given a lot of yourself in difficult circumstances and this rejection is painful for you.

You are right that it is easier for her to blame you than question her own biological parents' parenting.

If she projects that everything is all your fault it also absolves her from having to accept any of the responsibility.

For now I would also respect her wishes. You could reach out from time to time if you want but it's not your responsibility alone to fix the relationship.

Take care xx

AgnesX · 30/01/2024 09:44

Burntouted · 27/01/2024 18:15

All of the adults involved in her life seemed to have failed her immensely, and traumatized her why would a child need to apologize??

You want her to be grateful for trash parents?? neither one prioritized and acted with her best interest at heart. (If allegations are true mother was extremely negligent in care, and was prioritizing men and relationships, then abandoned her. Dad knew this, instead of fighting to get emergency custody and therapy for his daughter and himself, he was prioritizing women, relationships, and trying to find a live in woman to be nanny.. He didn't even allow his child to have a full father..she had to share her parents with others...practically all her life...

Her dad found a woman eager and desperate to go along with everything, kept her around, didn't care that this lady treated his child like crap and made poor judgements allegedly "sometimes". . This lady somewhere down the line decides to bring an innocent human being into this mess and gave them this trash father...and a trash mother

The father perhaps have brought in op during those years to parent and protect his daughter...to do all the things he should have been doing as a parent...all these years. He should have been protecting his daughter to the best of his abilities and capabilities..he should have been reassuring and protecting op as well.

Now they're all "stuck" together for the remainder of life.

Tbh the daughter needs to cut all of them off permanently..or temporarily...perhaps work through problems in therapy.

Wow, that's quite a response. Are you the SD or just drawing on your own background.

And so good you said it twice.

Sapphire387 · 30/01/2024 14:28

Burntouted · 27/01/2024 18:15

All of the adults involved in her life seemed to have failed her immensely, and traumatized her why would a child need to apologize??

You want her to be grateful for trash parents?? neither one prioritized and acted with her best interest at heart. (If allegations are true mother was extremely negligent in care, and was prioritizing men and relationships, then abandoned her. Dad knew this, instead of fighting to get emergency custody and therapy for his daughter and himself, he was prioritizing women, relationships, and trying to find a live in woman to be nanny.. He didn't even allow his child to have a full father..she had to share her parents with others...practically all her life...

Her dad found a woman eager and desperate to go along with everything, kept her around, didn't care that this lady treated his child like crap and made poor judgements allegedly "sometimes". . This lady somewhere down the line decides to bring an innocent human being into this mess and gave them this trash father...and a trash mother

The father perhaps have brought in op during those years to parent and protect his daughter...to do all the things he should have been doing as a parent...all these years. He should have been protecting his daughter to the best of his abilities and capabilities..he should have been reassuring and protecting op as well.

Now they're all "stuck" together for the remainder of life.

Tbh the daughter needs to cut all of them off permanently..or temporarily...perhaps work through problems in therapy.

Tell us you have serious issues of your own without telling us...

Because there's a huge amount of projection in your post, and OP doesn't need to beat the brunt of whatever is unresolved in your own life.

OP, teenagers/ young adults are notorious for this. And social media is full of stuff telling them they are never responsible for anything while their parents, step parents, whatever, are to be blamed for everything that goes wrong in their lives.

I don't know what her reality is, or yours, but if I were you, I would step well back. You've done your best, and certainly you sound like you have done more for her than her own mother. If she can't see that, doesn't appreciate that, etc, then that's up to her. She won't be able to see the full picture yet. Prioritise yourself and don't chase after her.