A question for Mums who share custody

[crustyloafandsoup]

NC due to outlining.

This is question for Mums who share custody of their children, with a court order in place.

Would you TELL the ex what should happen on their time with the children?

Think weekend with Dad but you want your children to go to a swim club. It's a swim club you haven't fully committed to yourself so children go on ad hoc basis but in advance of their weekend with Dad you've signed them up for sessions without first discussing it?

Is it acceptable to dictate how the other parent spends their time?

Is this control?

How would you deal with it if your EX asked you to not do this and cancelled the sessions as they have made prior arrangements for children.

Who is in the wrong here?

It is not appropriate for one parent to book activities during the other parents time with the child. The only time a parent should interfere with the others time is if something serious was happening.

Thank you.

I disagree with the above. Why should a child miss out when j something like swimming because their parents have split. It should be a conversation before joining, but both parents should do their best to facilitate an interest of the child's.

@captaincalamari12 Oh definitely have a conversation but if dad doesn't agree for example, a parent can't book something and demand dad takes them.

The point is a conversation should be had though shouldn't it? Not just going ahead and arranging something and then dictating.

And is it ok for the child to miss out on what the dads arranged eg a fun day out because the mum booked swimming and her opinion that's better?

If it was something the child wanted to do, that could only be done at that time, then I'd ask. Eg. If they wanted to enter a swim competition at the club, which fell on contact day. It would ultimately be down to the other parent if they would facilitate the child's wishes/hobby, but I would hope they would, unless they had something important on.

Co parenting works best when imo when even if you hate each other - your almost completely blind to decisions/choices made by the other house (bar obviously safety related matters) I bit like civil coworkers who know each other, are at the same level professional wise working to complete a long term project

Dynamics get messy when one side or both try to be the boss and tell the other what to do. Both sides should be equal but focus on what's best for said "project" not for their ego. Hard because if people act like they hate each other then there are feelings there.

Remember the opposite to love isn't hate but indifference.

In this situation- ideally you have to have both people agree as a team to the child swimming on x day, if one does agree and the other doesn't, either a different day is found by the one who is desperate for little jimmy to do x on their day. Or accepts on the other parents days attendance maybe lacking

Just because someone walks and talks and acts like your boss in your home life, doesn't make it true, the more someone is allowed to think like this the more they will act like this.

I understand the frustration actually- we wanted to get my dsd swimming lessons - mum agreed as long as we drove her there and back and we paid for it all and only because dsd was desperate to go. I think the day was on an alternative day so not always my dh day to have dsd. In the end mum said she didn't see the value in it, she couldn't swim so she didn't think dsd needed to learn and tease dsd in her swimsuit so much so that eventually dsd asked to stop as her mum wouldn't let it go and she was suddenly feeling self conscious aged 6 in a swimsuit at her "poodey" bits (btw she had no poodey bits she was 6!?!?????!!!!!!, tried all different suits to see if it would help her confidence but the damage was done).

I cannot tell you how much I screamed into a pillow when she told me all about this when she left. Essentially don't make your dislike of the other side on such a thing it bleeds into your child. You hate the other side absolutely your right, but dammed well make sure your kids don't know. Subtly or otherwise.

I'd say what the child wants should be priority when it comes to hobbies or things like classmates' birthday parties. But neither parent should be making plans for the children on non-contact days without discussing it with the other parent.

Surely you just drop a text ‘so and so wants to attend swimming , it’s on a Saturday at 12 so sometimes would be your week. Would that work for you?’

my kids do loads of stuff on their dads time because it’s their schedule. I’m not entirely sure why that wouldn’t be the most important thing?

I haven't said it's not important that they attend.

What I've asked if one parent can dictate to the other and it seems that it is unreasonable to do some without notice or discussion.

Depends on the circumstances. Is it doable for the the parent with ease? If you are asking they take the child to something that is going to take half their weekend maybe not? But if it's a resale request then it should be a discussion (not a demand)

*reasonable request

For things like weekend activities, and assuming that everyone is local, then there needs to be an exchange, framed in a way that makes it clear that the DC's wishes and needs are paramount.

So if the DC really wants to do this club, then you tell the other parent (before you sign up) that this is what they want to do, this is when/where it is, and that it's every weekend, and invite them to facilitate it for the DC.

As the DC get older, they will have stronger ideas about what they want to do - including just going out and hanging out with friends - and parents just can't plan how the weekend time is used without taking that fully in to account (eve if they overrule sometimes because eg it's great granny's 90th birthday party and the whole family is going)

So in this crossover period, when they are still to young to get to footy independently, but really want to go, it's up to the parents to make it happen. It's part of the gradual letting go as the DC grow up

Even if there is a really strong case for DC to be doing the activity, broaching it in a way that could be interpreted as one parent telling the other what they must do, is quite likely to go down badly (no-one likes to be bossed around and depending on the circumstances of the split it could have unfortunate resonances). But talking about the DC's wishes can take that sting out

PS: even if the other parent has been impossibly high-handed and dictatorial, you still need to take the emotion out f it and look at what's best for the DC. A weekly club every Sat/Sun in something the DC wants to do is a pretty reasonable thing for them to get

Yes at @AuntieStella point well made. Thank you

Definitely unreasonable to book it without a discussion, even more so when one parent's time with the child/ren is limited and it's taking a big chunk out of that. Or if the other parent lives too far to accommodate it.

My DSS used to have football matches at weekends, we would all go every weekend no matter whose weekend it was to watch him as he loved it, then he came home with whoevers weekend it was. It wouldn't have been fair to say no we are not taking him, it was what he wanted, his best interests and all that. More notice should be given but yeah I think these things are important, and just give some advance notice if you want to do something else one week, but really the weekends are often sport focussed for kids, my 2 go every Sat Morning, up we all get

This is why having separated parents is sometimes awful for kids. I agree a conversation should happen ideally before clubs are agreed. But kids are rooted in their community too. They have friends, football matches, birthday parties, swimming lessons, and netball clubs etc. It is unreasonable for a child to miss out on stuff they want to do as it's in time with the other parent.

When it comes to team sports or drama productions you can't miss many and still be part of the group.

Agree with this.

The other parent cannot dictate what you do on your time and visa versa.

If the child wants to attend an activity that falls on both times then it needs to be discussed and agreed on first.

There should be a conversation first though. If dad only sees his child every other weekend then it's unfair to dictate how he spends that time. Mum can arrange swimming lessons on her days.

My DSD misses every other week of gymnastics because her mum doesn't take her on her weeks. DH discussed it with her before signing DSD up and mum said she was happy to take her on her weeks. She's taken her once in 18 months, so we've just accepted that DSD will miss half of her classes. There's not much we can do about it as we can't tell her mum what to do on her time.

Well, dictating is not good, no.

Having said that, I think it's good if a child has an activity they want to do/that is an important life skill and both parents are willing to accommodate it. Swimming, for example, seems to me to be one that both parents should want the child to do and would prioritise it. However, ideally a conversation would be had about when is the most convenient time and how to manage that.

DS had a very good friend whose dad point blank refused to take him to any activities, play dates, parties etc on his weekends. It was awful - he was desperate to do football but his mum couldn't sign him up as he'd only be able to go every second week. Ditto, he missed a lot of parties over the years. It was so unfair on him.

I agree that where possible parents should try to facilitate a kids chosen hobby however I don't agree that the kid's hobbies should be facilitated in every case. What if there's siblings to consider at one parents house. It's unfair to expect the entire weekend to revolve around one kid's hobby just because they get to do said activity on mum's time.

This is why discussions need to be had before booking activities on the other parents time.

Wherever possible parents should coparent, this includes discussing activities that impact on both parents' time and share costs too. For ad hoc activities eg friends birthday parties etc then the parent who received the invite should immediately tell the other parent that the child has been invited to a party, the other parent needs to say yes or no to whether they can accommodate it, no different to if parents are together in many ways, sometimes you have a prior commitment.

With shared custody trying to be flexible benefits the children, too many times I see point scoring going on here

@MushroomQueen

That's a brilliant example of coparenting, plus any niggly things or just life admin can be sorted at the time where his two parents are, things don't tend to build up into frustrations that way. I know kids now grown who have had great childhoods despite divorce, remarriage, half siblings etc and what they have in common is good communication and any animosity put to one side for the sake of the children, at my DD's wedding there will be parents, and stepparents on both sides, and step sister (my dsd) all get along thankfully

There definitely needs to be a discussion, out of respect but also practicality. My partners ex wanted their son to go to football training on a Sunday which was in the middle of the day. Only having the children 4 days a month this would take up 50% of our time. The other children would be bored to tears on the sidelines. It was an absolute no from us. He had many other hobbies and the school football team he was part of so not particularly missing out.

He went anyway but on the Sunday it was our turn he went home and she took him. Meant we lost out on 50% of time with him but the others didn't suffer. And guess what?! He hated it she hated it they gave up after a season! So it's back to normal.