A question for Mums who share custody

[crustyloafandsoup]

NC due to outlining.

This is question for Mums who share custody of their children, with a court order in place.

Would you TELL the ex what should happen on their time with the children?

Think weekend with Dad but you want your children to go to a swim club. It's a swim club you haven't fully committed to yourself so children go on ad hoc basis but in advance of their weekend with Dad you've signed them up for sessions without first discussing it?

Is it acceptable to dictate how the other parent spends their time?

Is this control?

How would you deal with it if your EX asked you to not do this and cancelled the sessions as they have made prior arrangements for children.

Who is in the wrong here?

@Bluebellsbells It's a bit sad you only have them 4 days a month though? I think that is part of the problem generally - DD has a good friend whose parents are separated and it doesn't make a blind bit of difference if she's at mum or dad because they genuinely share care 50/50 so there isn't that need to hoard time or say, "we only get this little opportunity so we're not using it doing x or y"

But if the non resident parent is only seeing the children EOW, it does become more difficult.

it Depends on what the the clubs are, what the dc wants and what ages they are.

my exh seems to think I arrange for our dc to attend clubs on his day purposefully. My teen wanted to join swimming club, it started on my day with her so all fine, now training is 4 days a week and he thinks that I have arranged it on purpose on his one evening a week.

my dc do clubs every day because they want to. It keeps them off screens and not hanging around the streets. They attend competitions and sometimes they fall on his weekend, I give him the option to take them or they can stay with me and I can take them. He usually chooses this because they have learned if they want to guarantee to go they need to refuse to go to him.

its made the whole co parent thing really hard but the dc are at an age they have decided what they want now

I think it is really poor when a parent blocks their child doing an activity they would enjoy because their other parent booked it.

Happens all the time, it isn’t at all about the child’s best interests, it’s all about separated parents being territorial and petty about “their” time.

Yeh so @SemperIdem nobody has said they are blocking the activity. It's a question about parent booking and dictating what the other parent should do without discussion. That is fundamentally wrong, it is control and bullying. It's wrong for that parent to act in that way.

I've explained the activity is adhoc and the booking parent doesn't consistently follow through.

That said a simple 'hey Sid said they miss swimming, planning to book them on for a term. It's every Saturday at 10am. Can you make it work for them too?'

Couldn't agree more.

In this case there are two SC and their mum focuses solely on one. Expects the younger one to tag along. We also have a child together so half sibling and it's just expected that we fall into line with certain things.

Hobbies are important but in a none blended family you wouldn't sacrifice the other children and other life experiences in this way so why a separated family are expected to over compensate is beyond me.

Yeh middle of the day is annoying but you have to strike a balance between something the child has said they'd genuinely like to do and not supporting because it's inconvenient.

Don't want them thinking their dad is an unsupportive dick.

This is the dream. I so wish it could be like this.

But if you get told what to do and it comes from a place of hypocrisy it gets your back up doesn't it.

As it happens, we've changed plans to give DSC chance to participate and not miss out.. because guess what? Mum told them they were going so could hardly let them down when we've been set to fail. But it meant cancelling an amazing day out, losing out on money and something all the family could do.

It's a case by case basis. This idea that kids need a ton of hobbies that they don't master is ridiculous. My childhood was about climbing, camping, mountaineering, skiing, swimming in lakes, arts and crafts, painting, biking, climbing trees- almost all of which my kids do and love! Swimming granted is a life skill, other hobbies not so much and they won't suffer if they don't do one year of judo!

It’s the children that would miss out on clubs as if they can only go every other week they don’t progress or can’t get in the team or miss competitions. Swimming every other week means it will be so hard for them to learn

“Hi exDP, DC is wanting to start swimming lessons and a place has become available on Saturday mornings, if I put their name down are you able to take them on your weekends?”

It’s really not that difficult to just arrange this between the two parents, it shouldn’t have to be a drama.

I really feel for children who are unable to participate in weekend activities because their parents have separated. We took DSCs to their club every weekend we had them. I think its pretty selfish not to.

I don’t agree with this at all. I’m a single parent, no blended family, or dad around, and at various times both my children have had to sacrifice time to the activities of the other. One of mine does a competitive sport and trains 5 days a week and can only take holidays during certain times of the year. This definitely impacts on family life. Luckily I don’t have to worry about him missing out because his dad’s new wife doesn’t like it!

Sometimes, and I'm not saying this is the case here, when people co-parent they find it hard to communicate.

I feel that having swimming lessons eow is not massively detrimental to the child. It would just take a bit longer to learn potentially. If the child was competition level and they wanted to compete, well thar would be a different matter.

The issue isn't committing to an activity for the child. I fully agree that if a child wants to do something they should be supported.

The issue is the non communication.

Ok, so the co parent struggles to communicate. On occasion absolutely they may.. but they haven't struggled to TELL or dictate that something is happening.

A discussion is so much better for the child because there's loads of positives that could come from it:

Could the other parent suggest a better swim teacher.
Could the other parent completely agree and ensure that they pay half.
The other parent may share an alternative hobby the child said they want to do as well but hasn't had the platform to do so.
The two parents could agree to compromise so child does the activity planned by the parent whose weekend it was and then swimming too. Win win.

The issue is not supporting an activity. It's the lack of conversation beforehand and the way in which they dictated what was happening with no consideration for the dynamic or plans in the other home.

@Whyohwhywyoming

I think my reply may have been unclear. I didn't mean it to sound like an issue that one child tags along while another does X activity. Of course in the case of single parent that may happen often and even in a family with two parents. I meant, the other child didn't have the same level of focus for their hobbies. Child 1 is the 'priority' and child 2 doesn't do any activities with Mum. Even though they love dance and gymnastics. None of those activities are local on a night she's with Dad so he's found something else lovely for child 2 to do.

Suddenly an extra training session for child 1 came up on the night that child 2 has their activity and Mum demanded that child 1 was taken and child 2 missed out. Mum wasn't able to take one and dad take the other so Dad stood firm and said, no sorry this is child 2's one and only night. Outcome - Mum tore him to shreds and over spilled the bile in front of the children.

So the point I meant to make it basically that it's not fair to favour one over the other. She did this because she wanted to control a decision made in the other house. Loads of offers about how both could possibly take place but Mum wasn't up for that. I wasn't around to step in due to Kate working, grandparents were all away. So frustrating. And I don't think out of bias I agree with Dad I think Mum was genuinely crackers to basically suggest child 2 less important than child 1. Both activities basic level, both children entry level and under 8! So we aren't talking about competing for the county.

I agree. It's really common for DC to have/want activities after school or at weekends that preclude what the other DC want. Especially when there are 3 or more DC, so the solution isn't just that one parent does each.

So either one misses out (and you share out who misses what as far as possible, so no-one feels excessively hard done by) or you arrange to share the ferrying around with another family.

The difference with a blended family s that you have fewer weeks to cope with (and perhaps more straightforward alternate week arrangements if you are sharing ferrying around)

Where it is going to affect both parents time, it should be discussed and agreed before any commitment is made.