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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Labelled as the bad one

29 replies

Vaveen088 · 10/01/2024 10:56

I have a SD living with us full time. She started after school games which I didn't mind helping out with pick up and drop offs and the family would help out if I can not ...

Now keep in mind all her games are at the school.

But this New game is apparently in different locations which means I am expected to pick up from school then drop of different locations and wait everyday with my 2 little girls

1 week later i took SD to school and she said
" I started a new game now" .
And I replied "well me and your dad have not agreed to this yet ". Then SD said well I am going to do it eaither way..
with my response "like I said I'll have to discuss it "

So I call my partner and told him I hope you have someone to help out on this one because I already discussed I won't be doing this one I was so frustrated and
said "you can not have me running around because both you and her mom are not involved:

So this is where it starts to really pick up. I received phone calls from family about well SD upset because she has nobody to drop or pick her from this NEW game she randomly started . And then I had to kindly explained am not able to get g'involved on this one and I do not need to explain my reson

So now I am labeled the evil/selfish step mom for crushing SD dreams simply because I do not want to go out my way . My husband and his family just randomly assumes your his step mom and no one else can do it what's the problem

Then family says we can help on 1 day then it came to my senses no because 1 day Is not really enough so regardless I won't be able to

So Sd is upset because dad told her there is no one to get you from these games for now

My own mother told me I should of stopped this along time ago because what tends to happen when SP gets involved both BM and dad do a disappearing act

now I am officially the selfish one for not helping out and crushing her dreams. I have helped in all games and I get she a kid and doesn't understand adults can't always adjust their time but yes I am the evil step mom for not helping out on this one

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 10/01/2024 10:58

Her parents should be taking responsibility for this activity and how she gets home, including sorting out with their respective families if needed.

If your partner can't see that then there's the problem.

dammit88 · 10/01/2024 10:59

I think this depends on your family set up. Is the game when your DP is at work and you are part time or a SAHM? If so I think you should help out. But I know this sort of topic is very divided on mums net.

PillowRest · 10/01/2024 11:00

Is this an every day club or a once a week club?

Beamur · 10/01/2024 11:06

Doesn't really matter if she's a step child or not - wanting to go a club every night of the week when your only parent for pick up has 2 other children to accommodate is unwittingly selfish.
She's being unreasonable. In a family there has to be a degree of conversation and negotiation around this kind of thing.

Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 10/01/2024 11:23

Bus or either of her actual parents can collect her. Or they can organise a family member to ferry her about.

I have cut back my own dc's activities at times.. It's fine to do so. Even if you just had dsd you aren't her chauffeur..

Ddifficultday · 10/01/2024 11:27

I'd appreciate some punctuation

StragglyTinsel · 10/01/2024 12:00

PillowRest · 10/01/2024 11:00

Is this an every day club or a once a week club?

What difference does that make?

Why should the child be the one determining what is happening here?

And why aren’t the child’s parents accommodating the child’s hobby?

@Vaveen088 This is your moment to embrace the evil stepmum trope. You’ll be cast as it regardless how unreasonable that is. So embrace it. Set boundaries and say no.

If the child’s parents want to ensure their daughter can just join whatever ‘games’ she likes, they can pick her up and drop her off. Or support her to get herself around.

Who cares what the extended family say? You’re not the hired (but unpaid) help.

Original poster
Vaveen088 · 10/01/2024 13:04

I have been helping out for the past 3 games ... The 4rh game is in different locations in which I can not keep dragging the little siblings with me everyday and sit on a bench for 2 hours

OP posts:
Original poster
Vaveen088 · 10/01/2024 13:05

Everyday

OP posts:
Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 10/01/2024 13:15

Give an inch take a mile. Written about cf parents imo.
Whenever and however this issue gets solved make a memo to self to never do things even once. By doing it 3 times you have given them the assumption it's now your responsibility.. Sign your own dc up for things. And let dd's parents parent her...

Meadowfinch · 10/01/2024 13:15

Yanbu. Keeping three of you waiting around is unreasonable. Either one of her parents steps up, or they pay for a cab (is she old enough?), or she doesn't go.

You aren't their nanny. What would they do if you didn't exist?

Reugny · 10/01/2024 13:35

OP you are being entirely reasonable as it is completely unfair on the younger 2 children. It wouldn't matter if the child was your own child in this circumstance.

One of my friends DD use to do a sport where training was 4-5 times a week with competitions at the weekend. Her grandparents who lived near by used to take her to training 3 times a week and sometimes to competitions as they didn't have any childcare/caring responsibilities and were retired. My friend plus partner had another child and both worked.

You haven't given the age of the SD but if she is secondary age then she needs to sort out getting to and from the games herself.

I have family members and friends who used to do sport, music practise, etc who had to:

  1. See if they could get to and from the locations themselves by public transport. If there were others then they travelled part of the way with them.
  2. Got someone else's parent to give them a lift back to as near home as possible. (One of my friends' said the person who did this for him was an only child whose mother didn't work. )
  3. Ask other relatives to help on occasion.

If she is younger than she can't do it unless one of her parents or any other adult she is related to who isn't working, have other children to care for or other caring responsibilities is available to do it.

PurpleSparkles82 · 10/01/2024 14:59

One of the worst parts about being a stepmum is the unreasonable expectations of other adults.
Ive been you OP. Thankless task. I would say this child has two parents, let them sort it out between them. Prioritise your own children.

Ponderingwindow · 10/01/2024 15:10

does your spouse enable you to be a sahm? If so, was that arrangement made partly so that you could cover some of his responsibilities with regards to his child?

Floofydawg · 10/01/2024 15:24

Just stop doing it. Who cares if you're painted as the unreasonable - you need to step back as it's not your problem. You've made a rod for your own back by helping out in the first place really.

YearofDNGAF · 10/01/2024 18:26

Leave them to it. You said you can't do it so they'll have to either arrange someone else to drop her home, or she doesn't do that particular activity. It wouldn't be fair on the younger children to do what you're being asked to do. Even if (as other posters are suggesting) you are a SAHM, SD isn't the only child to think about here. Listen to your mum!

StragglyTinsel · 10/01/2024 18:42

Ponderingwindow · 10/01/2024 15:10

does your spouse enable you to be a sahm? If so, was that arrangement made partly so that you could cover some of his responsibilities with regards to his child?

This makes no difference to the question.

The situation is that the SD has decided that she’s going to do something and the OP must facilitate that. Being a SAHM does not mean her SD is her boss. 🙄

StragglyTinsel · 10/01/2024 18:46

That particular question feels like a standard MN pretext to telling a SM she is, in fact, just the nanny.

Even if she and her husband have agreed that she’s a SAHM to their two children, it does not mean that she has become the nanny for him and his ex for their daughter - and everyone, including the younger children’s - lives must revolve around an activity schedule the SD sets.

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 19:26

Your DH needs to take his other two DC if he’s expecting to collect your SD or he does it himself if it’s his day.

Can’t have small children hanging about like that in the cold, didn’t even read that?, as it’s unfair on them.

NewNameNigel · 10/01/2024 21:09

The poster asking if she's a SAHM is grasping at straws to find a way to feel justified in telling a SM she is wrong. Even if the OP is a SAHM she is entitled to have boundaries about how she spends her time. Do you think SAHMs are domestic slaves who aren't allowed to say no to anything?

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 21:12

I don’t agree this is anything to do with being a SAHM either, this is about dragging two very small child out unfairly and this wouldn’t happen even if both parents were parents. One would stay with them, so besides this dad dumping his duties on the OP, there needs to be another solution to this.

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 21:13

Children!

StragglyTinsel · 10/01/2024 21:36

And, if this weren’t a stepchild, frankly both parents would be telling her that she doesn’t unilaterally get to decide she’s joining a new game (so they must run around after her).

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 21:42

I meant both parents were her actual parents! Bloody hell.

Lovingitallnow · 10/01/2024 21:46

I don't have step children but I can tell you dc1 won't be doing an activity that requires his brothers hang around for 2 hours waiting for him. I'd be looking into a car pool.

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