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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CSA when changing from 50/50

33 replies

Fishchipsandcurry · 09/01/2024 18:55

My DH has had his dc (14 and 12) 50/50 for the last 6 years since his exw had an affair. I also have two DC (13 and 11).
We Purchased our 5 bed home together 3 years ago with a large mortage (now £2k pcm) so all dc have their own bedroom.

My DH EXW has started asking for more time with the DSC around 6 months ago and saying they can spend more time at her house, likely because they don’t need as much looking after now and my DSC are wanting to stay there more, I partly because our house is more hectic. It was also their marital home so probably feels more like home than ours. The still come 50/50 most of the time atm but I can see it’s not what they really want

His exw mentioned csa and we would need to find £800pcm if they live with her full time. Obviously we just can’t afford it. I have checked the calculations online and she is right

what do people do in this situation?

Do we downsize and dsc would have to share a room so would come even less if at all and would be heartbreaking. I could up my hours at work to cover the payments but then couldn’t be around for my dc for sports activities that they do (I have always worked part time since having my dc) so also heartbreaking for my dc.
the whole thing seems really unfair. I sold my much smaller 4 bed house to buy this one where my mortgage payments were only £500 but was just too small for all of us on the weeks they are with us.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 09/01/2024 19:21

Isn’t there an inbetween of 50/50 and full time with mum?
Does dad want them to remain 50/50? Is it likely to be long term change or just a novelty? Mum has been very quick to mention csa if it hasn’t even happened yet. Maybe they could come to a private arrangement where they still each pay half the kids costs with maybe some cm to cover utilities?
Their residency shouldn’t really be determined for financial reasons but it needs to be considered how it will affect everything/everyone going forward.

PinkEasterbunny · 09/01/2024 19:45

His exw mentioned csa and we would need to find £800pcm if they live with her full time. Obviously we just can’t afford it. I have checked the calculations online and she is right

Of course, the ex isn’t motivated by the £800, is she???? Could your DH insist on sticking to 50/50?

MeridianB · 09/01/2024 20:20

They are coming up to ages where 50:50 and more flexibility makes more sense, as they will want to become more independent and see friends at weekends.

Have they said why they want to spend more time at their mum’s? If not then worth a proper chat with them.

Do you know why ex has jumped from 50:50 to expecting to be main carer?
I agree with PPs that the assumption of custody and premature noise about the £800 pm points to cynical motives here.

Original poster
Fishchipsandcurry · 09/01/2024 23:30

Yes we would still see them eow but more flexibility and that is how the £800 has been calculated. Yes my dh and myself want to keep 50/50 and would have more if we could. Exw doesn’t have the same rules as us and makes being there more appealing to them and obviously her too.

i suspect her mortgage rage has also increased and her cost of living is higher. She already works full time so the easiest way would be to encourage the dsc to be there more I guess. Especially as she no longer had any childcare costs for afterschool now

OP posts:
SuperGreens · 10/01/2024 00:17

At 14 and 12 the children can choose where they prefer to live, and if they want to live with their mother then they should be able to do that. The csa will be reduced to reflect that their father now lives with helps support two other children, does their father contribute? Seems a bit heartless to say she only wants her children to live with her now for the extra money, teenagers are not cheap to run! If you cant afford the mortgage on the big house might be time to start looking for a fulltime job like the other parents in this situation.

caringcarer · 10/01/2024 01:11

I'd ask DH to talk to his DC and tell them he loves them and would miss spending time together with them. Maybe agree to go 60/40 instead of 50/50.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/01/2024 01:31

SuperGreens · 10/01/2024 00:17

At 14 and 12 the children can choose where they prefer to live, and if they want to live with their mother then they should be able to do that. The csa will be reduced to reflect that their father now lives with helps support two other children, does their father contribute? Seems a bit heartless to say she only wants her children to live with her now for the extra money, teenagers are not cheap to run! If you cant afford the mortgage on the big house might be time to start looking for a fulltime job like the other parents in this situation.

This. At that age they want to be where their friends are.

If the calculation says £800 even with EOW then your DH must be on a very good salary. I understand it will be difficult but really child support takes priority over your desire to work part time I'm afraid.

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 10/01/2024 04:07

No way I'd be screwing up my arrangements with my own kids to fund empty bedrooms for children who no longer wish to occupy them. That's what it would amount to.
I think see what transitional arrangements can be agreed upon, use the calculator to see what maintenance is due then see how it goes over the next 6 months or year before making any big changes, such as changing job/hours or selling up.
It's alot to put on kids who just want to live with their mum so no sudden movements. I'd want to find out if there's anything really bothering them over and above the inconvenience of living in two houses 50/50 at their ages.
I wouldn't like to think a mother is seeing having her kids under her roof more as a bit of a payday, so I wonder if the kids have been more vocal with her than yourselves about what they want, so she's more sure how it's going to go and that's why she's already been looking into what that could mean financially?

Nonewclothes2024 · 10/01/2024 04:54

Completely irrelevant but how does his ex know what he earns to do a CSA calculation?

PinkEasterbunny · 10/01/2024 07:11

caringcarer · 10/01/2024 01:11

I'd ask DH to talk to his DC and tell them he loves them and would miss spending time together with them. Maybe agree to go 60/40 instead of 50/50.

This

CwmYoy · 10/01/2024 07:28

Insist on keeping 50/50. If she chooses to have them in your time the expense is in her.

Don't be bullied.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 10/01/2024 07:33

Are you sure re £800 based on EOW - if so your DH is a super high earner and I'm sure you can find a way to manage your finances. Also are you accounting for time in the school holidays? We had DSC a night in the week, eow and 50% of all school holidays which equated to 1/3 - would have loved them more but that was all DH's ex would allow.

Grilly · 10/01/2024 11:47

If the maintenance amount would be £800, your husband is on 60k and a 2k mortgage should be affordable, if he wasn’t supporting you and your kids as well.

Of course you don’t downsize so his children don’t have bedrooms. He needs to sort an arrangement with his ex for about 30% of the time and you need to get a full-time job.

OhmygodDont · 11/01/2024 14:17

Lovely to see both sides looking at the cash part rather than just how these children feel.

insist on keeping 50/50. Yeah insist teenagers or near teenagers must live 50% of the time somewhere they don’t want to is going to go great.

Original poster
Fishchipsandcurry · 11/01/2024 21:46

@OhmygodDont yes obviously it the money I’m worried about as an extra £800 a month bill is massive and we just can’t afford it and keep the house.

if they came to us more we wouldn’t dream of charging his exw maintenance despite her earning the same as my dh (they are the same pay grade). Having them an extra two nights week wouldn’t cost any extra, I’m upset that if it’s the other way round then money is been mentioned

OP posts:
PinkEasterbunny · 11/01/2024 22:06

Fishchipsandcurry · 11/01/2024 21:46

@OhmygodDont yes obviously it the money I’m worried about as an extra £800 a month bill is massive and we just can’t afford it and keep the house.

if they came to us more we wouldn’t dream of charging his exw maintenance despite her earning the same as my dh (they are the same pay grade). Having them an extra two nights week wouldn’t cost any extra, I’m upset that if it’s the other way round then money is been mentioned

I’m not surprised you’re upset OP, £800 per month is a LOT of money and would sink a lot of households. I remain slightly suspicious of the ex’s motives and think your best bet is to ensure her suggested change doesn’t happen. As other posters have suggested, there may be a compromise position

piscofrisco · 12/01/2024 05:50

Whether her dh is a high earner or not an extra £800 a month isn't pocket change. I hate it when people assume that because someone earns well they can automatically afford a massive monthly hit with no bother. Everything still has to be budgeted for-you might be budgeting for bigger or more expensive things-you cut your cloth-an extra 800 quid isn't just doable in most cases.
There needs to be a compromise-and you need to speak to the kids. For them to want to go from 50/50 to full time at mums seems a bigger problem-and id suspect something else is at play here if that's what they are suddenly saying.

Grilly · 12/01/2024 08:29

Surely your husband isn’t going to agree to downsize so his children don’t have bedrooms just so you can work part-time, OP?

You’re fixating on ‘losing the house’ but there’s no reason for that to happen if you up your hours.

Grilly · 12/01/2024 08:30

piscofrisco · 12/01/2024 05:50

Whether her dh is a high earner or not an extra £800 a month isn't pocket change. I hate it when people assume that because someone earns well they can automatically afford a massive monthly hit with no bother. Everything still has to be budgeted for-you might be budgeting for bigger or more expensive things-you cut your cloth-an extra 800 quid isn't just doable in most cases.
There needs to be a compromise-and you need to speak to the kids. For them to want to go from 50/50 to full time at mums seems a bigger problem-and id suspect something else is at play here if that's what they are suddenly saying.

There’s not necessarily anything wrong. Teenagers often want to have a base and to reduce contact with both parents because they have friends, boyfriends or girlfriends and jobs to focus on instead of boring old contact time.

BoohooWoohoo · 12/01/2024 08:36

The kids are at an age where a judge would allow them to choose. While the kids prefer mum’s house, do they want to end 50/50? 50/50 to EOW is a massive change. Do you live close enough to their school and social life for a compromise amount like 60/40? Is the 12yo able to cope being home all day during the school holidays which are 13 weeks a year?

PinkEasterbunny · 12/01/2024 08:43

There’s not necessarily anything wrong. Teenagers often want to have a base and to reduce contact with both parents because they have friends, boyfriends or girlfriends and jobs to focus on instead of boring old contact time.

I agree, but if the change is going to cost the OP's household an extra £800 per month, then I can see why she's alarmed.

WishIMite · 12/01/2024 08:47

Its usually around 10% of your DH’s income, so if this wrecks your family budget then you were always in a precarious situation.

Regarding contact, have you actually asked the children what they want?

PinkEasterbunny · 12/01/2024 08:49

WishIMite · 12/01/2024 08:47

Its usually around 10% of your DH’s income, so if this wrecks your family budget then you were always in a precarious situation.

Regarding contact, have you actually asked the children what they want?

A lot of households are currently in precarious situations.

Scottishskifun · 12/01/2024 08:52

In that case I think your DH just has to say no it's still 50/50 as per the agreement. If your DSC decide to stay at hers more and she doesn't insist on them coming then that's up to them.

Have you used just your DH salary and factored in your children into the calculations? That does seem very high.

WishIMite · 12/01/2024 09:00

Your DH is currently subsidising your dc I assume, as you are working part time? Working full time is probably the sensible thing.

You will save a lot of money not feeding and paying electric bills for two teenagers for half the time.