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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CSA when changing from 50/50

33 replies

Fishchipsandcurry · 09/01/2024 18:55

My DH has had his dc (14 and 12) 50/50 for the last 6 years since his exw had an affair. I also have two DC (13 and 11).
We Purchased our 5 bed home together 3 years ago with a large mortage (now £2k pcm) so all dc have their own bedroom.

My DH EXW has started asking for more time with the DSC around 6 months ago and saying they can spend more time at her house, likely because they don’t need as much looking after now and my DSC are wanting to stay there more, I partly because our house is more hectic. It was also their marital home so probably feels more like home than ours. The still come 50/50 most of the time atm but I can see it’s not what they really want

His exw mentioned csa and we would need to find £800pcm if they live with her full time. Obviously we just can’t afford it. I have checked the calculations online and she is right

what do people do in this situation?

Do we downsize and dsc would have to share a room so would come even less if at all and would be heartbreaking. I could up my hours at work to cover the payments but then couldn’t be around for my dc for sports activities that they do (I have always worked part time since having my dc) so also heartbreaking for my dc.
the whole thing seems really unfair. I sold my much smaller 4 bed house to buy this one where my mortgage payments were only £500 but was just too small for all of us on the weeks they are with us.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 12/01/2024 09:11

Like others, I think that the teens won’t suddenly go 100:0 with exW. So £800 is the worst case scenario.

Talk to the kids. What do they want and why? Is it the greater peace at their mum’s? Is it clubs or seeing friends? What’s the best balance for everyone? And it might be that they don’t always come together going forward.

Grilly · 12/01/2024 10:45

OP is the £800 is worked out on full time with the mum, or on EOW (Fri-Mon) and half the school holidays? Have you included your children on the calculations? Both of these will make a big difference.

Original poster
Fishchipsandcurry · 13/01/2024 08:59

They want to spend more time at their mums because they get unlimited tech time and more take always, plus is less hectic as they get to stay in their rooms upstairs. They would still come half of the school holidays and eow.

they don’t go to clubs but their mum is closer to the school.
We live about 20 mins away from their mum.

in reality, I can’t work more. Dh job is stressful, and and to up my hours, my job would become stressful also. This would mean getting a cleaner and paying for taxis for my dc sports clubs 4 nights a week where I wouldn’t be able to take them. I worked less hours when I met dh and when he moved into my house I made it clear I would support him and his dc (I had dsc all throughout covid as dh and his exw worked throughout) but I wouldn’t ever go back to working full time. I put 75% of the deposit on our joint home as I had far more equity and I wasnt going to pay more towards a mortgage so to ask me to work more is unfair. I do feel exw doesn’t like the fact I work part time as there has been a few comments I am sure the dsc havnt made up

OP posts:
lunarleap · 13/01/2024 09:26

I'd ask dh to speak to the older kids and make clear if this happens you would have to downsize and that isn't a problem but they won't have their own rooms when they stayed at yours any more and would have to share.

Tbh when they left home at 18 or whatever for uni thats probably something you might have considered anyway.

The child maintenance is based on his salary alone and that's as it should be. But if you're covering a mortgage on a house that is larger than it needs to be then that isn't fair either.

lunarleap · 13/01/2024 09:27

SheilaFentiman · 12/01/2024 09:11

Like others, I think that the teens won’t suddenly go 100:0 with exW. So £800 is the worst case scenario.

Talk to the kids. What do they want and why? Is it the greater peace at their mum’s? Is it clubs or seeing friends? What’s the best balance for everyone? And it might be that they don’t always come together going forward.

Yes don't think it's an all the kids do the same situation

lunarleap · 13/01/2024 09:29

Grilly · 12/01/2024 08:29

Surely your husband isn’t going to agree to downsize so his children don’t have bedrooms just so you can work part-time, OP?

You’re fixating on ‘losing the house’ but there’s no reason for that to happen if you up your hours.

She shouldn't have to up her hours to pay for bedrooms that are hardly ever used for someone else's kids

vivainsomnia · 13/01/2024 12:51

I had sympathy until you indicated that you would absolutely not go FT despite your children being old enough to not require childcare. You are responsible for financially supporting your kids not your oh. If he couldn't afford £800 (although this should mean a reduction if what he pays towards them currently, clothes, mobiles, food, transport etc...), because he's got to support you and your kids, then the problem is with you.

Working PT is a luxury. It sounds that you might be able to afford it if his children move back to their mum.

KateADM · 13/01/2024 19:31

vivainsomnia · 13/01/2024 12:51

I had sympathy until you indicated that you would absolutely not go FT despite your children being old enough to not require childcare. You are responsible for financially supporting your kids not your oh. If he couldn't afford £800 (although this should mean a reduction if what he pays towards them currently, clothes, mobiles, food, transport etc...), because he's got to support you and your kids, then the problem is with you.

Working PT is a luxury. It sounds that you might be able to afford it if his children move back to their mum.

Did you read the OP's latest update?

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