Can't get rid of resentment towards SS

[ChihuahuaMummy]

This is a subject that I cannot discuss with anyone in real life as I don't want to cause hurt and upset to any of my family so I just keep quiet about it. This is why I have decided to post on here but I do ask to please be kind. It's not like i want to feel this way but I am struggling.

I don't want to be too specific as it could be outing but I'm having trouble getting past my step son's behaviours. My husband and his ex went through a really nasty court case which started due to very serious allegations being made about his stepfather (think voyeurism). Social were involved and as soon as step son spoke to the social worker, he changed his story to say all kinds of nasty things about his dad which were untrue.

This continued over 2 years, with step son lying to police and even going as far as saying that his dad physically assaulted him and made up lies about my own daughter also.

All these lies led professionals to view my husband as a monster and caused a huge amount of stress. I was essentially dragged into it and labelled an emotional abuser by the psychologist despite her not having really spoken to me. Anyway, I am trying so hard to forget all this but these lies were so serious which could have resulted in my husband being arrested. Im just struggling to get past it all.

Does anyone have any advice how i can move past this?

How old is the child?

He's 11 now.

How old is your daughter?

So he was 9 or younger when this started. Do you think he was being influenced by his mother/stepfather? I can understand how this must upset you but he was a young child and possibly in a difficult situation.

Do you/your husband still see him? Is everything resolved?

It sounds really tough.

I would struggle with that. If I was worried that someone would make false accusations then I would feel like I needed contact to be supervised for everyone's safety.

@Reugny my daughter is 17 now. They have always had a really close bond with each other which is why I don't understand what he said about her.

@Iwasafool I completely agree with you that he was probably in a very difficult situation and I don't want to feel this way, it just makes me irritated at times because I couldn't ever imagine my own kids telling such awful lies about their father.

How long have you been with your husband op?

Hi, I've been with him 10 years now.

Wow that’s a tough situation for everyone , completely understandable you feel unrelaxed and resentful

Can you try individual and family counselling?

Children lie for many reasons op.
Fear, coercion, anger, or outright sociopathy.

Can you give a bit more context / because it's difficult to understand how or why your stepson would lie so egregiously.

Obviously only give as much detail as you feel comfortable. Children can and do lie, but so can adults and often adults are much better at it, so without context it's impossible to understand how you reached this point.

How do you know that they were lies?

Do you mean about my husband?

Has it been established for definite that your SS was lying? Sometimes it’s nigh on impossible to believe something about a loved one.

@CandyLeBonBon It's difficult as I wouldn't want to be identified on here if my husband's ex uses this forum. There is a history of many court cases, the mum stopping my husband seeing his son etc for no particular reason. There's a history of physical and emotional abuse towards my husband (I've witnessed the emotional side).

Is there anything specific you want to know? So much has happened so it's hard to know what to share.

I'm unsure why he would tell such awful lies. He always told us that his mum told him to say it but then he would tell his mum that we told him to say stuff which wasn't true at all so I don't want to place blame on her without proof.

There is proof that the mum told him to lie to police though.

Yes because my stepdaughter was allegedly involved in the situation and I am always in the house so know that this did not take place in my house.

That's a good suggestion but I don't even want my husband to know I feel like this. He loves his son and has every right to have him come and stay with us. I'm just struggling to put it all behind me but I really want to.

He sounds like a very traumatised child, to be honest, and I'd want to be very sure before dismissing any of his story as lies. It sounds like it's something that you're all very much still going through.

In your shoes I would make myself a decent full diary so I wasn't around dss...

It's calmed down a lot to be honest, we have very little contact with his ex. There's a court order in place which is very detailed and specific.

I agree that he is potentially traumatised, he has been through a lot. We tried to protect him but no one would listen to us unfortunately and my husband has very little say with being the NRP.

I do tend to remove myself from the room or area when he is at our house. Not in an obvious way, I just leave him and his dad to do things together.

This, but I would go as far as to have a recording device on on me all the time. (Just audio hopefully would suffice).

And download the recordings and save them consistently, and get a proper storage system where they're saved indefinitely (that is, not deleted after 5 years (let alone 5 days)).

@ChihuahuaMummy sounds like your dss was in a loyalty bind (have a google)

If the police have proof that mum was telling her son to make up these lies - I can see why the courts got involved. This usually happens when adults make adult problems emotions a child's problem. I feel very sorry for all parties in this, yourself included.

I don't think you should go into too much detail on this thread though and the finer details fairly irreverent to any posters who want to give constructive advice. Also give posts MN posts get picked up and reprinted by the daily fail or sun, I would limit what you put out and air on the side of caution.

How it makes you feel, well sounds like you feel on edge. Totally normal given the situation, children can and do lie. My advice would be the same if step family or not.

Do not ever be alone with this child, always have a witness, ring doorbells are helpful to confirm who was present in the house at any time, any communication needs to be in writing to mum, document document document.

A kind and gentle reaffirmation that telling lies about anyone mum or dad or step dad isn't good, and you want to focus on him and all the great qualities he possesses opposed to this. Counselling for this confuse young lad and you and your dh is also a good shout.

Maybe you are expecting too much to be close atm. He is a child op, whatever the intention, he deserves compassion and support. I am a great believer of being able to rise above the difficulties when it comes to children - we are the adults and carers.

I would have personal counselling to express my true feelings and work through it, and this wil help you manage better. It’s not surprising it’s a strain but he is just a kid ultimately and it’s better for all of you to move on.

You've been with your DH for 10 years, stepson is 11. So he wouldn't be able to remember a time when his dad and his mum were together. I presume his mum was the resident parent, which inevitably means that his primary relationship is with his mum.

"My husband and his ex went through a really nasty court case which started due to very serious allegations being made about his stepfather (think voyeurism). Social were involved and as soon as step son spoke to the social worker, he changed his story to say all kinds of nasty things about his dad which were untrue."

So, here's a scenario that is all too possible. Your stepson's mother did not want her husband to be found guilty, and decided to deflect attention on to her ex instead. She worked upon her son (who would have trusted his mother completely) and convinces her son that 'the bad man' was his dad and not his stepdad, that he's made the switch in his head to protect his dad, that she understands why he did that, but - sweetheart, you have to tell the truth! How will daddy get the help he needs if we pretend he doesn't need help?

This wasn't just a conversation, this would have been his whole environment, with every interaction reinforcing that it was daddy not stepdaddy who is a bad man. Right down to the implication that mummy wouldn't love him any more if he lied that it was stepdaddy who was the bad man.

It would be a very unusual 8/9 year old who would not crumble in the face of such gaslighting / coercion / desolation.

I think your best chance to get past this, to deal with the resentment you feel for this young child, is to consider that this young child was a victim of adults. He was a victim of his mother, who gaslit him into believing what she tutored him to accuse. He was a victim of the psychologist, who took everything at face value and is incompetent. He is a victim of every other adult involved who did not consider anything other than the fabrications.

Put your resentment where it deserves to be - with the adults, not the child.

"I couldn't ever imagine my own kids telling such awful lies about their father."
You're assuming he told awful lies knowing they were awful lies. You're ascribing malevolence to this child. If he believed it to be true, do you still see malevolence in his actions?

OP your feelings are right, You also rightly wanted to protect your DD.

Even if the boy is not currently making allegations make your DD aware that she herself must and her friends of the same age group must not be alone with him, especially as she will be 18, so an adult very soon.

Be aware psychologists can have any qualifications so take no heed to what they say.

In fact unless you instigate any therapy as a step-parent who doesn't have legal guardianship or parental responsibility for the boy keep yourself completely distance. This means absolutely no verbal conversations with them and very short limited emails. That way if they make up stuff about you, you can point out you had either no interaction or interaction that was recorded with them.