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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can't get rid of resentment towards SS

31 replies

ChihuahuaMummy · 04/01/2024 17:31

This is a subject that I cannot discuss with anyone in real life as I don't want to cause hurt and upset to any of my family so I just keep quiet about it. This is why I have decided to post on here but I do ask to please be kind. It's not like i want to feel this way but I am struggling.

I don't want to be too specific as it could be outing but I'm having trouble getting past my step son's behaviours. My husband and his ex went through a really nasty court case which started due to very serious allegations being made about his stepfather (think voyeurism). Social were involved and as soon as step son spoke to the social worker, he changed his story to say all kinds of nasty things about his dad which were untrue.

This continued over 2 years, with step son lying to police and even going as far as saying that his dad physically assaulted him and made up lies about my own daughter also.

All these lies led professionals to view my husband as a monster and caused a huge amount of stress. I was essentially dragged into it and labelled an emotional abuser by the psychologist despite her not having really spoken to me. Anyway, I am trying so hard to forget all this but these lies were so serious which could have resulted in my husband being arrested. Im just struggling to get past it all.

Does anyone have any advice how i can move past this?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChihuahuaMummy · 04/01/2024 19:03

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2024 18:51

You've been with your DH for 10 years, stepson is 11. So he wouldn't be able to remember a time when his dad and his mum were together. I presume his mum was the resident parent, which inevitably means that his primary relationship is with his mum.

"My husband and his ex went through a really nasty court case which started due to very serious allegations being made about his stepfather (think voyeurism). Social were involved and as soon as step son spoke to the social worker, he changed his story to say all kinds of nasty things about his dad which were untrue."

So, here's a scenario that is all too possible. Your stepson's mother did not want her husband to be found guilty, and decided to deflect attention on to her ex instead. She worked upon her son (who would have trusted his mother completely) and convinces her son that 'the bad man' was his dad and not his stepdad, that he's made the switch in his head to protect his dad, that she understands why he did that, but - sweetheart, you have to tell the truth! How will daddy get the help he needs if we pretend he doesn't need help?

This wasn't just a conversation, this would have been his whole environment, with every interaction reinforcing that it was daddy not stepdaddy who is a bad man. Right down to the implication that mummy wouldn't love him any more if he lied that it was stepdaddy who was the bad man.

It would be a very unusual 8/9 year old who would not crumble in the face of such gaslighting / coercion / desolation.

I think your best chance to get past this, to deal with the resentment you feel for this young child, is to consider that this young child was a victim of adults. He was a victim of his mother, who gaslit him into believing what she tutored him to accuse. He was a victim of the psychologist, who took everything at face value and is incompetent. He is a victim of every other adult involved who did not consider anything other than the fabrications.

Put your resentment where it deserves to be - with the adults, not the child.

"I couldn't ever imagine my own kids telling such awful lies about their father."
You're assuming he told awful lies knowing they were awful lies. You're ascribing malevolence to this child. If he believed it to be true, do you still see malevolence in his actions?

Thank you so much for this post, it has really helped me to gain insight into the whole situation. The scenario you present is very much possible as he did start randomly making allegations against his stepfather to us even when everything had been friendly and amicable for years. These allegations were so serious that we thought there is no way a child could make it up. So, DH took action to protect him. That unfortunately backfired though.

I completely agree with your point about stepson being a victim of the adults in his life. He must have felt very confused due to loving both his mum and dad but feeling torn between them both. The sad thing is, the professionals involved basically believed that stepson didn't want anything to do with his dad which nearly led to my husband losing contact.

Regarding your last comment, I admit that I cannot understand how he wouldn't think accusing his dad of hurting him is not a lie as he would know that did not happen. I don't believe there was any malevolence in his actions at all, I never have felt that way, it just caused a lot of heartache that I really want to get passed emotionally.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2024 19:37

"Regarding your last comment, I admit that I cannot understand how he wouldn't think accusing his dad of hurting him is not a lie as he would know that did not happen. I don't believe there was any malevolence in his actions at all, I never have felt that way, it just caused a lot of heartache that I really want to get passed emotionally."

How does anyone know that something didn't happen? Because they don't remember it? My memory is rubbish, there's lots of things I can't remember, but still know they happened. Or my memory is just plain wrong, e.g. we saw such-and-such in Bath, not York.

Back to the scenario I invented. I've read enough threads on here by women who have been gaslit be partners or parents who come on to MN to admit that they no longer know up from down, and can any of you make it make sense to me. And they're adults. This is a young child, gaslit by the person he trusts more than anyone in the world, having his memory 'corrected' because he remembers it wrong. Being asked possibly leading questions by a psychologist, sensing the approval from his mum / psychologist when he agrees with what they're telling him, the disapproval when he questions it because they've told him what happened, doesn't he believe them, is he calling them a liar? They just want him to remember it the way they've told him it happened. And I don't think it would take that long before he would genuinely believe it, and by that point his accusations would not be a lie to him. His brain would have manufactured 'memories' to match what he's been told happened.

If you genuinely want to put your resentment to bed, I think you need to accept the possibility that your stepson believed what he said was true.

Sapphire387 · 08/01/2024 15:49

I think you need to be wary. It is very possible that he was led to say these things by his mother, but equally possible that he is a troubled child, or an attention seeking child, etc.

I would personally have as little to do with him as possible. Whatever led to it, he has made very serious accusations and this could put you at risk. If he accused you of say, sexual abuse, would he be believed, and what consequences might this have for you? Not saying children should be disbelieved or things should not be investigated... but in this case he has demonstrated he is willing to lie and capable of lying.

socks1107 · 08/01/2024 21:47

So I have been somewhere similar.
It started when this person was age 11/12 and small things really but escalated into lies and accusations of things that just never happened. And I've been accused too just like you by professionals who have never even met me, merely spoken to me for ten minutes on the phone.
We've had a period of no contact some years ago at their request as younger teenager and when contact was resumed I think we ignored too much out relief they were coming back over and misguided belief that it wouldn't happen again.

It did happen again and the last time I saw this now young adult there were professionals present and they looked at my husband so judging I knew at that point they had broken me with the lies. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that look.

Leading up to that we'd had some more lies. About us, about Mum just like you and a lot that was said about mum was also being said about us the other way. Two years ago after discovering something that had been said about my husband I stepped well away. I wouldn't be alone with them, wouldn't have them here if dad wasn't, minimal communication and text only not phone calls. I knew what they were now capable of and wasn't putting myself in that position.

It's ruined a wider family and the relationships within that.

Currently there's no contact. I accept that at some point there will be again and for my husband I will be outwardly polite. But I will never ever be alone with them, never communicate without others around or have anything more than a superficial relationship with them. I do not trust a thing they say. I will do what's needed to support my husband though.

I am honest with my husband about how I feel and he respects that even if contract is resumed I will keep to my boundaries. I would create some for you and I would be honest with your husband. It's been so so hard I really feel for you being here too

Midnightgrey · 10/01/2024 05:58

Why on earth do you feel the need to forgive this child? The one who made up lies about your husband and your daughter - the one who put through a hellish court process. Your husband might love and forgive him as he's his son but I can't think of a single reason why you would. I wouldn't have him in the house or have anything to do with him ever. Yes, he's a child, a lying manipulative child who tried to do your young daughter harm and went along with false allegations against his father. He's also quite likely to do this again and perhaps be more convincing as an older teenager and perhaps involving you.

Fallenterf · 15/01/2024 08:44

I know this is a few days old but can I just clarify - were the allegations against the stepdad true? Or did he make those up too? He does sound very troubled and it is disturbing that he would lie like that, including to professionals.

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