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Original poster

Rude DSD

42 replies

Merryandbright1170 · 28/12/2023 22:47

She's always had a strong personality. I found her attitude and attention seeking quite tough to begun with him we bonded and I do really like her most of the time. She's now 12 and her attitude is just rude.

We got back from my DP side of the family little gathering and DSD was just constantly rude! She was arguing with everyone over the smallest thing even if she wasn't right. She outright said she was disappointed because DP had more presents from the family then she did. She laughed but knowing how she is, it put her out. She openly admits in front of everyone that she wants and loves the attention. We played a game which she got wrong, she got in a mood about it and stormed off and wouldn't come back to finish it so it was the end of the game. She made an unkind comment to DP in front of family and when challenged just says I'm only joking. She was rude to me a few times and said it was my job to make sure her new present was working etc. She was winding up my DC too.

In the car she called one of her friends a try hard and when we said that it was unkind she argued that it was.true. Atm its literally you say black and she says white just for the sake of it. Dp is finding her behaviour tricky atm too.
Does it end? Do they mellow out and become less rude as they get older?

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SemperIdem · 28/12/2023 23:03

I think they all do mellow and become decent adults, dc and sdc alike.

It’s so much harder when they’re a sdc though - you don’t have the unconditional love for them. It’s especially hard if they’re older than your own experience of parenting.

My dsd (a similar age to yours) lies all the time, about anything and everything. It’s encouraged by her mum which makes it hard to manage.

My partner and I share a view on it and deal with it as a team.

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 29/12/2023 07:38

SemperIdem · 28/12/2023 23:03

I think they all do mellow and become decent adults, dc and sdc alike.

It’s so much harder when they’re a sdc though - you don’t have the unconditional love for them. It’s especially hard if they’re older than your own experience of parenting.

My dsd (a similar age to yours) lies all the time, about anything and everything. It’s encouraged by her mum which makes it hard to manage.

My partner and I share a view on it and deal with it as a team.

Edited

It is tougher when they aren't yours as I have to sit back and look at DP to say something. Sometimes DP does sometimes he doesn't. Me and DP had a big argument a couple days ago because his DD upset my DC (who is younger) by excluding him with his cousins and whispering in their ears. I brought this up with DP but he wouldn't have it and said I seem to want to put DSD down 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
StragglyTinsel · 29/12/2023 07:54

Why are you all arguing with a 12 year old?

Your DP needs to tell her that she needs to stop being rude and deal with any rudeness with consistent consequences. This is a DP problem. He needs to stop being weird and defensive and parent properly.

But who cares if a 12 year old is wrong, really?

Dollyparton3 · 29/12/2023 08:22

I hate to break it to you OP by my SD was rude when I met her at 13, she's now 23 and on a whole other level of rude, arrogant, bullying and narcissistic.

I leave that relationship to DP and support him every time she plays batshit mind games with him, it's the only way

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 29/12/2023 08:36

StragglyTinsel · 29/12/2023 07:54

Why are you all arguing with a 12 year old?

Your DP needs to tell her that she needs to stop being rude and deal with any rudeness with consistent consequences. This is a DP problem. He needs to stop being weird and defensive and parent properly.

But who cares if a 12 year old is wrong, really?

Edited

We aren't arguing as such for a random example if we said oh it rained earlier DSD would say no it didn't and we would say it did and she would continue to argue against us. Obviously that's a random example but it's just tideous atm

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 29/12/2023 08:39

Dollyparton3 · 29/12/2023 08:22

I hate to break it to you OP by my SD was rude when I met her at 13, she's now 23 and on a whole other level of rude, arrogant, bullying and narcissistic.

I leave that relationship to DP and support him every time she plays batshit mind games with him, it's the only way

This is what I'm worried about. Is it a stage of preteen or is this her personality. She's been known to be manipulative, which DP fully knows and hates that DSD does this to him. DSD also plays the victim/ I'm cute card to get what she wants/ makes us feel bad.
Last night she mentioned in front of us and other family that she wanted all her Christmas money on her child debit card so people could see how much money she had (she did receive alot from family). I'm just not sure if this is general hormones or this is her

OP posts:
StragglyTinsel · 29/12/2023 08:41

Merryandbright1170 · 29/12/2023 08:36

We aren't arguing as such for a random example if we said oh it rained earlier DSD would say no it didn't and we would say it did and she would continue to argue against us. Obviously that's a random example but it's just tideous atm

Show quote history

That IS arguing with her.

She’s wrong. You know she’ll just argue back if you correct her. Ignore her. And/or tell her to be quiet and stop being argumentative.

If your DP gets annoyed that people are stepping back and not engaging with his rude DD, then he needs to parent her. If he won’t do it, it’s a DP problem. Disney dads do not produce nice children that other people want to spend time with.

Reugny · 29/12/2023 08:44

Merryandbright1170 · 29/12/2023 08:36

We aren't arguing as such for a random example if we said oh it rained earlier DSD would say no it didn't and we would say it did and she would continue to argue against us. Obviously that's a random example but it's just tideous atm

Show quote history

The trick is not to reply to her when she starts baiting you for an argument.

So depending where you are and who you are with -either say nothing, change the subject with her, change the subject by talking to someone else about something else, or walk away to then be busy doing something else.

Kwasi · 29/12/2023 08:46

If she loves attention, stop giving it to her. You biting back is playing into her hands.

TBH, she sounds a lot like me as a teenager. Hormones had me all over the place.

Just make sure she knows she's loved and she belongs.

Dollyparton3 · 29/12/2023 08:54

Ours is an extreme situation that has an alienating mum and grandma in the mix but now at 23 SD is totally lawless because her mum has forever allowed her to do what she wants. Now neither of her parents are allowed an opinion that she disagrees with or she withholds contact.

My take on it was to grey rock all the batshit. Re the debit card "ok, ask your mum or dad to help" the correct response should be that it's a vulgar thing to do but just don't even engage with it.

If she argues, drop it quickly. We used to say "ok" to get out of those. When SD tried to argue with me I used to leave the building once she was old enough to be left to her own devices

familyissues12345 · 29/12/2023 09:25

Not a step parent, but my DH is step dad to my eldest.

He was an absolute little sod between 7-12. I mean, did everything in his power to disrupt everything he could. Bloody nightmare.

He's now 20 and honestly the loveliest person. I get approached by people who want to say how lovely he is etc. You just wouldn't believe the turnaround.

There is hopefully light at the end of the tunnel...!

Thelifeofawife · 29/12/2023 10:18

My SD could be like this (still is but not as bad), but she was younger when it started. It was all about boundaries with her, because if I said something she would quickly stop what she was doing, even though it would never be stern just a simple “that’s not very nice” or “you shouldn’t talk to your dad like that”.
DH did realise it was getting out of hand and started to speak up, or remove a privilege (no iPad for the rest of the evening, etc), though it wasn’t consistent because of course she put on the water works and he felt bad. But it definitely helped that he did it sometimes.

In general, with the arguing, some of it is just an age thing. For me, whether it be my SD or my own DC, I would simply say “I’m not arguing with you” and then drop it. It shuts it down but also reminds them who the adult is.
You’re giving her too much attention over silly things and it will exhaust you

LemonLimeDivine · 29/12/2023 22:55

A lot of it may well be her age. Don’t rise to it (easier said than done I know!).
For your own sake, let your partner deal with it and for your own sake take a step back.

Hatenewyear · 30/12/2023 13:11

Is it possible for you to ignore her bad behaviour? I know it’s hard I’ve been there. Can you grey rock when she’s playing up, it’s usually attention seeking. If you don’t give her any it might lessen.

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 21:06

So cross with DSD. She completely ruined everyone's night by being so rude to DP. We took the DC to a show and treated them to meal before and sweets at the show. We brought a bag to share between me and my DC and a bag for DSD and DP. DSD practically ate all the sweets and left none for DP. When DP said it was a bit unfair DSD started arguing loudly and spoke to DP like a bit of dirt. It was awful. DP was clearly upset by it all. After the show DSD kept poking herself in the eyes to try and cry. Dp said she cried on the way home but it was only so she wouldn't get in trouble I believe. Her behaviour is so awful, she really is so ungrateful

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Josette77 · 31/12/2023 21:25

Don't let her ruin your night. She doesn't have that control. I think there is a lot of overreacting happening on all parts.

I would suggest family therapy and maybe some parenting classes to help you all.

DaughterNo2 · 31/12/2023 21:29

And what exactly has ur DP done about his daughter’s attitude?

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 21:48

Josette77 · 31/12/2023 21:25

Don't let her ruin your night. She doesn't have that control. I think there is a lot of overreacting happening on all parts.

I would suggest family therapy and maybe some parenting classes to help you all.

I didn't let it. I carried on and had a nice time I just felt bad for DP. We don't live together so don't know if family counselling is right

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Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 21:49

DaughterNo2 · 31/12/2023 21:29

And what exactly has ur DP done about his daughter’s attitude?

DP got up and told DsD he wasn't going to let her speak to him that way and they were leaving. DSD refused to move and so nothing happened. A threat to take away devices also happened.
Apparently DSD cried in the car and was very sorry but I'm not convinced.

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EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 31/12/2023 23:11

Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 21:49

DP got up and told DsD he wasn't going to let her speak to him that way and they were leaving. DSD refused to move and so nothing happened. A threat to take away devices also happened.
Apparently DSD cried in the car and was very sorry but I'm not convinced.

Show quote history

This is the problem and nothing you can do about it. He shouldn't say he's going to impose consequences and then go back on them. For consequences he needs to say something he'll actually carry out. For exampe "you're getting 20 less minutes on devices today because of how rude you were. We're also leaving now and if you don't come right away that will be another will be another 20 minutes lost. Then he has to actually impose those consequences no matter what. If she actually regretd her behaviour it would change. Someone saying how sorry they are and then doing the exact same thing again are lying about being sorry.

I'm not saying imposing consequences will be an automatic fix and maybe other strategies will need to be used along with that. But nothing is going to change while there are no consequences to her actions.

Prawncow · 31/12/2023 23:15

You said you don’t live together. Do you mean you don’t live with your DP?

Saggypants · 31/12/2023 23:19

If you don't live together why not take a break from the whole blended family thing and just date your DP when he's child free?

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 23:24

Prawncow · 31/12/2023 23:15

You said you don’t live together. Do you mean you don’t live with your DP?

Yea me and DP don't live together

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Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 23:25

Saggypants · 31/12/2023 23:19

If you don't live together why not take a break from the whole blended family thing and just date your DP when he's child free?

Edited

Thank would be tough. He has DSD 50/50

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Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 23:27

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 31/12/2023 23:11

This is the problem and nothing you can do about it. He shouldn't say he's going to impose consequences and then go back on them. For consequences he needs to say something he'll actually carry out. For exampe "you're getting 20 less minutes on devices today because of how rude you were. We're also leaving now and if you don't come right away that will be another will be another 20 minutes lost. Then he has to actually impose those consequences no matter what. If she actually regretd her behaviour it would change. Someone saying how sorry they are and then doing the exact same thing again are lying about being sorry.

I'm not saying imposing consequences will be an automatic fix and maybe other strategies will need to be used along with that. But nothing is going to change while there are no consequences to her actions.

Edited
Show quote history

She definitely wasn't sorry. She was singing along with the show and dancing after this happened. It was only when it finished She turned it on and wanted to make herself seem a victim. I'm just so so tired of it. I'm not the parent so I just sit and watch it all. It's like a slow car crash

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