Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Rude DSD

42 replies

Merryandbright1170 · 28/12/2023 22:47

She's always had a strong personality. I found her attitude and attention seeking quite tough to begun with him we bonded and I do really like her most of the time. She's now 12 and her attitude is just rude.

We got back from my DP side of the family little gathering and DSD was just constantly rude! She was arguing with everyone over the smallest thing even if she wasn't right. She outright said she was disappointed because DP had more presents from the family then she did. She laughed but knowing how she is, it put her out. She openly admits in front of everyone that she wants and loves the attention. We played a game which she got wrong, she got in a mood about it and stormed off and wouldn't come back to finish it so it was the end of the game. She made an unkind comment to DP in front of family and when challenged just says I'm only joking. She was rude to me a few times and said it was my job to make sure her new present was working etc. She was winding up my DC too.

In the car she called one of her friends a try hard and when we said that it was unkind she argued that it was.true. Atm its literally you say black and she says white just for the sake of it. Dp is finding her behaviour tricky atm too.
Does it end? Do they mellow out and become less rude as they get older?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Prawncow · 31/12/2023 23:27

Then I’d step back like Saggypants said. Do things with your own DC. Let her father take her to family gatherings without you.

Prawncow · 31/12/2023 23:28

50/50 means you could see him half the week!

Saggypants · 31/12/2023 23:32

Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 23:25

Thank would be tough. He has DSD 50/50

Show quote history

Might be tough on you, but it sounds like your child would appreciate not having their outings ruined and all the attention on another badly behaved kid.

FreezyFord · 31/12/2023 23:34

I agree with taking a step back and seeing him mainly when he’s child free. 50:50 leaves a good amount of time for this. His dd perhaps would behave better with her time with her dad being just them.

FreezyFord · 31/12/2023 23:36

My DP now has his 12 year old DD full time with no respite, so I’d leap at the chance, I should add!

I think it will be a dealbreaker for us.

TheShellBeach · 31/12/2023 23:37

I think she's realised that you don't like her much and she is trying to upset you as a result.

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 23:45

TheShellBeach · 31/12/2023 23:37

I think she's realised that you don't like her much and she is trying to upset you as a result.

Definitely not the case. Why is it when a step parent has a moan so many people assume you don't like the child when it's just their difficult behaviour that you're struggling with.
I spent time with her this morning just me and her as I didn't have my DC. Gave her lots of cuddles and had a lovely chat. She was upset last night about a friend and I comforted and spoke to her.
But I can't just ignore the fact she was awful to DP earlier and ruined everyone's evening

OP posts:
Josette77 · 01/01/2024 01:11

How long have you been together?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 01/01/2024 02:06

The way I see it you have two, well 3 but the third one sucks.

Talk to him and help him find reasonable consequences he can stick to in response to her behaviour and he starts putting some boundaries in place and following through.

Take a step back, be neutral if she's playing up, don't offer input, you can still be there for sympathy, but take a not my monkeys not my circus approach. After all you can't effect things or fix this, only her parents can

If you don't step back a bit then you end up at option 3, where this ends up effecting you so much it hurts or even wrecks your relationship. This may neve4 stop completely. I've seen.step parents in here making similar posts about adult step children.

StragglyTinsel · 01/01/2024 07:53

He is the problem here. He’s an ineffective parent who can’t even manage to deal with a 12 year old having a strop about her own unwillingness to share.

I bet he started consoling her and apologising to her in the car too.

It won’t improve because he’s not a good parent.

MeridianB · 01/01/2024 16:59

If you’re this fed up with her then imagine how your poor DC feel!

This is so easy to fix for their sakes. You date DP and avoid spending time with his daughter. Sure if he has 50:50 you will see him less, but surely it will be more enjoyable quality time. And your children will be spared this attention seeking rude behaviour.

Do you not find his limp lettuce parenting a bit of a turn off anyway?

Hellenika · 01/01/2024 17:14

Merryandbright1170 · 31/12/2023 21:06

So cross with DSD. She completely ruined everyone's night by being so rude to DP. We took the DC to a show and treated them to meal before and sweets at the show. We brought a bag to share between me and my DC and a bag for DSD and DP. DSD practically ate all the sweets and left none for DP. When DP said it was a bit unfair DSD started arguing loudly and spoke to DP like a bit of dirt. It was awful. DP was clearly upset by it all. After the show DSD kept poking herself in the eyes to try and cry. Dp said she cried on the way home but it was only so she wouldn't get in trouble I believe. Her behaviour is so awful, she really is so ungrateful

I am wondering whether she has ever been assessed for autism?
She is showing a lot of autistic traits common in girls.

  • blunt statements that ‘are true’ but everyone else sees as rude
  • inability to understand that she has been rude, so argues every time she is called out
  • distraction of a show while eating, putting her into a zone where she’s just repetitively eating and not noticing how much she has eaten
  • feeling persecuted when pointed out she is wrong, so storms off, in her mind she didn’t mean to, and it’s good intentions that matter right?
  • not understanding social etiquette to the point it affects her family and friend relationships
  • her jokes are only funny to her and often cause offence
  • emotional dysregulation- over reacting, crying at a drop of the hat giving off the appearance of manipulation when it’s not her intention
  • feeling insecure and needing reassurance and attention because she knows she isn’t fitting in and the harder she tries, the more she upsets people

This is on top of usual preteen rudeness as I think from your posts what you have described is a bit more often or intense than you would expect from a 12yr old usually.

I’d encourage your DP to write down some of these difficulties she has and take it into the school and ask the school to do an assessment. She may be showing autistic traits in school as well.

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 02/01/2024 07:20

Hellenika · 01/01/2024 17:14

I am wondering whether she has ever been assessed for autism?
She is showing a lot of autistic traits common in girls.

  • blunt statements that ‘are true’ but everyone else sees as rude
  • inability to understand that she has been rude, so argues every time she is called out
  • distraction of a show while eating, putting her into a zone where she’s just repetitively eating and not noticing how much she has eaten
  • feeling persecuted when pointed out she is wrong, so storms off, in her mind she didn’t mean to, and it’s good intentions that matter right?
  • not understanding social etiquette to the point it affects her family and friend relationships
  • her jokes are only funny to her and often cause offence
  • emotional dysregulation- over reacting, crying at a drop of the hat giving off the appearance of manipulation when it’s not her intention
  • feeling insecure and needing reassurance and attention because she knows she isn’t fitting in and the harder she tries, the more she upsets people

This is on top of usual preteen rudeness as I think from your posts what you have described is a bit more often or intense than you would expect from a 12yr old usually.

I’d encourage your DP to write down some of these difficulties she has and take it into the school and ask the school to do an assessment. She may be showing autistic traits in school as well.

Edited
Show quote history

Funny you should say that, I've raised this a few times with DP. DSD had a lot of issues in her last year of primary, especially around friendships. She struggles with food too. She hates sauces, any mix of her foods. She mostly likes plain foods and won't even try anything new. She sees or smells something and says no. She's sensitive to certain clothing and tags. Which I know are other signs. I can see sometimes she says things because she believes it's the right thing to say (masking). Oh and she becomes obsessed with things and I'm not talking she just has an interest. She wants to know everything about it, wants all the stuff for it right that second.

However DP doesn't want to know anymore, it's like he's forgotten about it all and doesn't want to see it. I know some of her behaviours could be because of this but she seems to have developed a mean streak towards DP, like she's trying her hardest to upset him. It's also tough when a nice outing gets ruined especially for my DC who's looking at me like what's going on.

OP posts:
Hellenika · 02/01/2024 15:47

Merryandbright1170 · 02/01/2024 07:20

Funny you should say that, I've raised this a few times with DP. DSD had a lot of issues in her last year of primary, especially around friendships. She struggles with food too. She hates sauces, any mix of her foods. She mostly likes plain foods and won't even try anything new. She sees or smells something and says no. She's sensitive to certain clothing and tags. Which I know are other signs. I can see sometimes she says things because she believes it's the right thing to say (masking). Oh and she becomes obsessed with things and I'm not talking she just has an interest. She wants to know everything about it, wants all the stuff for it right that second.

However DP doesn't want to know anymore, it's like he's forgotten about it all and doesn't want to see it. I know some of her behaviours could be because of this but she seems to have developed a mean streak towards DP, like she's trying her hardest to upset him. It's also tough when a nice outing gets ruined especially for my DC who's looking at me like what's going on.

Show quote history

Wow, that is a list of many more textbook autistic traits in girls! I’m not surprised you’ve raised this with your DP as you write like you are very switched on and observant.

She will have developed resentment towards her Dad. A NT person raising an autistic child with parenting techniques for a NT child can actually be quite abusive towards the child. A 12yr old is not mature enough to differentiate between unintentional hurt versus intentional hurt, and so she will be resentful of her Dad and feel hard done by. It’s not that she is trying her hardest to upset him so much as she is trying her hardest to get him to understand how her mind and feelings work. It is tough when “nice outings” get ruined, but keep in mind what is nice for NT people can be literally mental and sensory torture for an autistic child/person.

I am gutted to hear he will not hear of having her assessed, he is falling short as a parent. Your only option as the caring stepmum you are, if you choose to help your DSD, is to start applying parenting techniques for an autistic child when she is with you and then passing them on as hacks to your DP? You can even not mention suspected autism but frame it by saying “as I can recall being a preteen girl, I can relate to her on a level you can’t…” ?
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/parenting-perspectives/parenting-autistic-child/

What about her mother? Would she be receptive to collaborating with you? I am not sure what, if any, communication you have with her. This isn’t your responsibility to do btw, it is your DP’s as he is her parent, so I am not saying you have to pick up his slack. I’m just giving you advice because I know you care for her and sometimes it’s better to help a child than to make a point and allow a child to fall through the cracks.

Parenting an autistic child | Gingerbread

Information and advice for single parents of children with autism, including how to talk to your child and manage common behaviours.

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/parenting-perspectives/parenting-autistic-child/

FreezyFord · 02/01/2024 18:44

Thinking dc are autistic is an easy explanation for other, less fashionable issues, such as attachment and poor parenting

Hellenika · 05/01/2024 11:44

FreezyFord · 02/01/2024 18:44

Thinking dc are autistic is an easy explanation for other, less fashionable issues, such as attachment and poor parenting

🤣 There is nothing easy about raising an autistic child!
Cracks me up that people think it’s a magic wand.

FreezyFord · 07/01/2024 12:54

@Hellenika i have one, so I’m well aware of this.

the explanation is easy, not the condition

New posts on this thread. Refresh page