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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't know her and never get the chance too

31 replies

Girlmum14 · 14/12/2023 14:31

Not sure where to start with this really....
I have a 9 year old and my boyfriend has an 11 year old. We share a 1 year old.
I very rarely see his daughter. He very rarely sees his daughter and makes up excuses... Broken car, house undergoing renovations etc.
I feel like he is taking out his guilty conscience on me for him not seeing his daughter as much as he should be doing.
He treats my daughter very well.
We had an argument that ended up being about his daughter...
I have pictures of my family all around my house and he pointed out that there is none of his daughter anywhere. I don't have any pictures of his daughter as I very rarely see her.
I think I could just about count on one hand how many times I've met her altogether.
I have my own house and he has his... Although he does stay at mine most of the time as his house is being done up possibly to sell or rent out who knows.
He asked me if I see her as part of my family and I told him the truth and said no. I rarely see her and I don't know her.
I am always telling him she can come up anytime she wants and stay over whenever she wants as I have a spare room ready for her.
He got very upset and said if his daughter isn't part of my family then neither is he and ended up breaking up with me. Would he rather me lie?
He said that he treats my daughter as his and classes her as family.
He sees my daughter all the time. Takes her to school, plays games with her. We go for meals together.
In my eyes it just isn't the same...
I would love to get to know his daughter and spend time with her and to welcome her into my family. It just never happens.
Has anyone been through a similar situation?
I can't help how I feel.

OP posts:
Redcar78 · 14/12/2023 14:36

Wow what a prince, honestly I just couldn't cope with a partner who takes no interest in his own kids but will play happy families with someone else's 🤷‍♀️

Hellohello888 · 14/12/2023 14:46

But you have a one year old together?

lunar1 · 14/12/2023 14:49

A man that treats his step child better that his own isn't the prince you think he is. He's looking for an easy life, which means that whatever is important to his current girlfriend is what he invests in, all three children are probably irrelevant and replaceable to him when he moves on.

The best thing for you and your DC is for the break up to remain permanent.

Original poster
Girlmum14 · 14/12/2023 14:51

@Hellohello888 yes we have a 1 year daughter together. Who should be getting to know both her sisters but unfortunately isn't.

OP posts:
Statementdress · 14/12/2023 14:52

His behaviour is weird. It sounds like he’s trying to blame you for him not seeing his daughter.

i think he’s deflecting his guilt onto you. Why would you have photos around your house of a kid you rarely see? When are you going have a chance to take the photos?

Give it 10 years and he’ll be telling his estranged daughter that you prevented him from seeing her.

you need to put this on him- tell him he needs to take his daughter more so she can get to know her sibling and step sibling.

although the older I get, the less time I have for this type of BS. He sounds like an arsehole. Loads of red flags here. I’d LTB.

Original poster
Girlmum14 · 14/12/2023 14:56

@lunar1 thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. He has broke up with me a few times now always when he doesn't get his own way. I just worry about my youngest as he's her dad. Everytime he has broke up with me he has threatened my with court action to spend time with her even though I've never denied his time with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlmum14 · 14/12/2023 15:02

I thank you all for your comments. I was starting to believe that everything that goes wrong in our relationship was all my fault as he keeps telling me.
He is a really nice person when he wants to be and will do anything for us. But when he doesn't get his own way he is quite toxic and spiteful.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 14/12/2023 16:52

Yep, classic deflection.

Illpickthatup · 14/12/2023 16:53

Girlmum14 · 14/12/2023 14:56

@lunar1 thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. He has broke up with me a few times now always when he doesn't get his own way. I just worry about my youngest as he's her dad. Everytime he has broke up with me he has threatened my with court action to spend time with her even though I've never denied his time with her.

I mean given the complete lack of effort he makes with his older child I doubt you have anything to worry about in regards to him fighting you for custody.

You've only just split up and he's already making up imaginary barriers to spending time with his child instead of just accepting that his lack of contact is down to him alone.

Floofydawg · 14/12/2023 16:58

Bloody hell OP, don't take him back again. He dumps you every time you don't agree with him? What a complete twat.

GrazingSheep · 14/12/2023 17:01

I feel very sorry for your 9 year old having to live this way.

GrazingSheep · 14/12/2023 17:04

He has broke up with me a few times now always when he doesn't get his own way. I just worry about my youngest as he's her dad.

Do you not worry about your older girl and the emotional harm being done to her ? By both of you.

Statementdress · 14/12/2023 17:11

Girlmum14 · 14/12/2023 14:56

@lunar1 thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. He has broke up with me a few times now always when he doesn't get his own way. I just worry about my youngest as he's her dad. Everytime he has broke up with me he has threatened my with court action to spend time with her even though I've never denied his time with her.

My ex was fond of this- threatening court action. Took me to court then would pick and choose when he actually did any childcare.

Original poster
Girlmum14 · 14/12/2023 17:13

@GrazingSheep yes I do. You are totally right! Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlmum14 · 14/12/2023 17:16

Thank you everyone for your honest comments. Sometimes you just need people who aren't involved to tell you some home truths 🙏

OP posts:
Lauralizzie · 14/12/2023 17:16

I feel like you are living the early stages of my relationship which has just ended. We have our own older daughters 2 years between. Now we have 2 boys together, it took him 7 years to get a house with me, because he's a commitment phobe. He has all the narcissistic traits that your man does.
And now I've just found out mine had been having an affair for 18 months!!!! Tried to put blame on me.

Stay separated from him hun, it's not worth being with someone like that, and hopefully any mediation/court will see that for your youngest daughters sake xx

Namerequired · 14/12/2023 21:14

It’s just an excuse. He’s looking out of the relationship and being able to tell himself, you, and probably others that it’s your fault for not accepting his daughter is his easy way.
He might also be deflecting his guilt but tbh I doubt he even has any. This guy is not a good one. Any chance he’s using you for somewhere to stay while he gets his house done up?
Why would you have photos of an essentially strange child in your home?
Chances are he will not see your daughter much either, you will somehow come to be blamed for that too. Guys an ass

DidiAskYouThough · 14/12/2023 21:22

don’t start dating him again, you don’t even live together, the only contact you need to have is by email, for him to not parent the kid you have with him. You have concrete evidence of what a deadbeat scumbag of a ‘parent’ he is, so you know what to expect in the upcoming 17 years.

PremiumRaa · 14/12/2023 21:25

You have a one year old together but don't live together?

Despite the logistics the facts are he chooses to hardly ever see his 11 year old and is somehow trying to make this your issue? Is he such a juvenile that he can't see his a grown adult who has control over his own decisions and actions?

He's a shit dad, but even worse he's somehow trying to make that your problem. LTB.

DidiAskYouThough · 14/12/2023 22:34

There’s nothing to leave. He’s dumped her and they don’t live together.

Bertiesmum3 · 14/12/2023 22:41

Why have a baby with him when he doesn’t even bother with the child he’s already got with his previous partner?

AuntMarch · 14/12/2023 22:43

Girlmum14 · 14/12/2023 15:02

I thank you all for your comments. I was starting to believe that everything that goes wrong in our relationship was all my fault as he keeps telling me.
He is a really nice person when he wants to be and will do anything for us. But when he doesn't get his own way he is quite toxic and spiteful.

Then he's not a nice person.

Reugny · 14/12/2023 22:46

Everytime he has broke up with me he has threatened my with court action to spend time with her even though I've never denied his time with her.

Make sure you have lots of emails that show he has lots of agreed time.

Make sure you have your own money and savings so you can consult a solicitor if needed.

OpenLanes · 14/12/2023 22:46

Put photos up for your toddlers sake.
And for her sake start actively trying to make contact happen.

Foxblue · 14/12/2023 22:50

OP, please take this in the way its intended which is caring about you and your daughters future - you should really sit and have a think about (and maybe seek therapy to explore further) why you would have a baby with a man who you knew doesn't see his own daughter. You don't have to date men like this. You should have thrown this one back. And you need to explore why you didn't, for your own sake and your daughters.