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Step-parenting

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Original poster

The Break

29 replies

Vaveen088 · 11/12/2023 19:08

This is just advice and venting at the same time :
SD lives with us full time and there is no court agreement as not everyone wants to get the courts involved. BIO mom has been civil over the years but I notice a change due to being too comfortable with the arrangements these days she will find ways to not want to keep her she not even with her full time ?

. Example: The school break starts and bio mom only wants SD for 2 days but in a court setting she would had no choice to keep her for 2 weeks ) especially if she not the full time care giver my partner told her we take care of her full-time why are you not doing your share ? I told my partner already this is what happens when the Bio mom gets to comfortable you given her the opportunity to pick and choose how long she wants with her so yes we probably need to start being civil or get courts

We not trying to push SD on to her but bio mom is finding any excuse to not want to do her share especially knowing she lives with us full time and SD is confused telling her dad my mom only said I can spend 2 days

not everyone has step parenting easy especially when the other half is not doing there share of work load and then you get situations like me where the bio parents who gets to comfortable of someone taking care of their child and try to get involved at a minimum I do not think am being selfish to get bio mom do her role I know I can not force it but I am a mother who still needs her break just like any other step who needs a break from kids/step kids and when the step kids go to the other home yes it's a time for step parents to regenerate, clear their mind from a overwhelming role and get ready for the next scenario when step kids return

OP posts:
spookyastic · 11/12/2023 19:10

You can't force anyone to have a relationship with their child, just seek maintenance for the amount of time you have her

TheFoz · 11/12/2023 19:13

Her mum can’t be forced to have access with her daughter. No court will demand that. If she doesn’t want her and her dad doesn’t want her then she will have to go into foster care.

KnickerlessParsons · 11/12/2023 19:16

She's the mum. No need for the "bio" prefix.

excelledyourself · 11/12/2023 19:35

The school break starts and bio mom only wants SD for 2 days but in a court setting she would had no choice to keep her for 2 weeks

You've been misinformed.

Courts can't, and don't, force contact on parents who do not want it, and thankfully so.

lunar1 · 11/12/2023 19:36

Your partner is the resident parent, if you need a break, he needs to facilitate that. Nobody will enforce a NRP seeing their children.

Are there other children in the home?

arethereanyleftatall · 11/12/2023 19:45

You detail strongly in your op how little the mother is doing. You haven't really mentioned the father. How much is he doing?

Punkkitty · 11/12/2023 19:45

My DP has had full time residence of his daughter for the last 9/10 years with Mum residing overseas. Sporadic contact throughout.
It’s never really a question of what’s fair in these cases simply it is what it is. You can’t force someone to want to spend time with their own child.
And to be honest I always hated the idea of the my step daughter ending up feeling like no-one wanted her so never commented on it

Blink1880 · 11/12/2023 19:46

This is an incredibly sad post.

Can your partner (her dad) work out some arrangements to give you a break?

Keepitrealnomists · 11/12/2023 19:58

What am I reading! Your partner needs to give you a break from looking after his child. The mother needs to step up but can't be forced too, poor kid!

Allthewallsarewhite · 12/12/2023 06:50

The fact that her mother can hardly be bothered to see her will be hard enough on the poor kid. I would make her feel 100% welcome on all her breaks etc and not try to force the mom to take her on, not would I make any suggestions that she should be elsewhere. That will make her feel no one really wants her.
Sometimes having a relationship with a man with child means that the child will be around full time. Circumstances change and the child should always be his number 1 priority. It's part of the relationship package, it's not for everyone of course, but it's a choice you're free to make whether you want in or out.
But if you're in, you have to accept the arrangement and put the kids first.

Floofydawg · 12/12/2023 07:03

KnickerlessParsons · 11/12/2023 19:16

She's the mum. No need for the "bio" prefix.

She's not being much of a mum though is she, let's be honest.

Rjahdhdvd · 12/12/2023 07:12

We have this and for DSDs sake we don’t push her to go for longer as it’s not good for her to be somewhere she isn’t wanted but it’s heartbreakingly sad that her mum doenst want to see her more. I really do identify with needing a break too

autienotnaughty · 12/12/2023 07:13

If it went through the court and they decided two weeks in hols she still doesn't have to do it .

You signed up for this, your dp is the resident parent. You don't have to do the caring that's up to your dp but it's no different to a dead beat dad.

There's no winners in this scenario but you and your dp have the privilege to raise and be the consistent support in your dsd life.

I have a dh who's stepdad and his relationship with my dd is amazing. Her dads not so much.

wildwestpioneer · 12/12/2023 07:45

Courts enable people at see their dc when they are being prevented from doing so, you can't force anyone to see their dc. Doesn't matter if there is a formal court arrangement or a strict informal one. If the mother doesn't want to see the child then you can't force her.

The only time it becomes an issue is if there is one parent and that parent is refusing to collect from school etc.

Cloverforever · 12/12/2023 08:04

Floofydawg · 12/12/2023 07:03

She's not being much of a mum though is she, let's be honest.

Show quote history

Interesting to see a post which is the reverse of the usual, where mum has the majority care and needs a break. That is usually condemned by step-parents, so nice to see it acknowledged that the other parent should be doing their share.

Also Interesting how the child's mum is referred to as bio mum, but you rarely see bio dad. Ie, it's simply not necessary,.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/12/2023 08:10

It isn't quite the reverse from the norm @Cloverforever as the norm is the mum doing everything and the NR dad doing nothing, but here it seems we have both mum and dad doing nothing, woth SM doing everything, but looking to the mum for a break rather than the dad.

SheilaFentiman · 12/12/2023 08:13

Are you in the Uk, Op?

Floofydawg · 12/12/2023 08:17

@Cloverforever I just can't imagine not wanting to see my own child. Poor kid.

Cloverforever · 12/12/2023 08:24

Floofydawg · 12/12/2023 08:17

@Cloverforever I just can't imagine not wanting to see my own child. Poor kid.

No of course not, me neither. Still seems more accepted by society for a dad to see their child for the bare minimum than it does the mum though.

And yes, it will affect the child's self-confidence when they know they're not fully wanted, by either parent. Very sad.

Original poster
Vaveen088 · 12/12/2023 11:12

Yes I have been misinformed . And it was a arrangement that used to be made however it's all down to me accepting the new change and finding a way to cut down my work load I am not expecting the mom to give in but it can get overwhelming

OP posts:
Original poster
Vaveen088 · 12/12/2023 11:21

Thank you for this. Its been a rollercoaster for me I am not expecting my role to be perfect and I guess I got way to comfortable with the arrangements that used to be made but seeing a new change from the mom kind of had me to juggle. Dad does his part which is great but those full time hours are not easy for him and I do feel down for SD she only wants to chill with her mom and I can't make her mom do it and on my end I can't force her so that I can get a little break so it just comes down to me accepting the new sudden change and working around

OP posts:
Original poster
Vaveen088 · 12/12/2023 11:41

correct I can not force it on her and that was not my intention as step parents we rely on that break to regenerate especially as a full time Sp . It's a new change for me so I got to work around it and Sd will have to understand that am doing my best but I can't force the mom to do her part

OP posts:
lunar1 · 12/12/2023 13:15

Seems like your husband needs to look at his work so he can be a dad to her, just as thousands of single mums have to do all the time.

ChristmasMadnessCountdownHell · 12/12/2023 13:39

I feel your pain OP. Step parenting is really really hard regardless of the reasons for getting together or what you did or didn't think about it before getting into the relationship.

In my case the love of a SC was never there, never mind the comparison of love between a parent and a step parent. So when they were with us it was a struggle from start to finish. The arrangements were set well before I came on the scene but it never stopped their mum trying to wiggle out of her time and put more pressure on DP despite him paying a hefty maintenance and having them 40% of the time.

A parent shouldn't look at opportunity to get rid of her kids - why have them in the first place??

As for all the bio nonsense. It's just an easier/quicker way of differentiating. If it makes you feel less of a parent, that's on you.

Original poster
Vaveen088 · 23/12/2023 13:55

Your response hit the nail . Thank you for your reply and what you said about the love not being their ..guess what ? I did my very best I tried to love SD but my heart took another direction to be respectful and kind instead .. I see in your situation was just like mine arrangements where fine before then BM wiggles her way out and completely abandons them and that just upsets me as I am already taking on a full parental role and you would expect a BM to want to do her share of the work ... But I accepted that some BM don't feel like being a mother unfortunately especially when they don't have to take care of them no more

OP posts: