How do you/your SC deal with missing out on fun whilst they’re with their mum?

[Crababbles]

In the past we’ve done overtime or stuff that doesn’t appeal to small kids, but I’m pregnant so soon enough we’ll be doing family-friendly activities with our baby when we don’t have SC. How have you dealt with SC feeling like they’re missing out?

I wouldn't worry about them feeling like they're missing out. It's very likely depending on their ages they are used to knowing they have two homes with various activities and things happening at each home.
They can't be part of everything as it will affect each others parents contact.
Rather than focussing on them feeling like their missing out, reframe it as they're having quality time with their mother in the same way they have quality time with their father when they are at your house.
No doubt they miss out on activities etc at mum's house too.
it's just part of life.

It’s never been an issue. They get to do fun things at their mums their half siblings here don’t do, they understand they have two families and two homes and that has upsides and downsides. I wouldn’t bang on about things you’ve done without them but I wouldn’t lie either.

There’s a school of thought in blended families that life in the NRP household must be on hold until the DSC are present. It’s not one I subscribe to because it’s impractical, unfair, ridiculous. It’s not my step kids fault their mum and dad split up. It’s not our kids fault they have older half siblings.

A very large age gap also helps.

if it's something that we think they'd REALLY enjoy we'd do it on the weekends that we have them but we don't lose any sleep over doing 'family' activities on the times they're not with us. They're doing plenty with their mum. (Same goes for my own DC by the way, not just SC)

You explain to DSC that your life goes on when they are not there, and point out the fun things that they (DSC) do with their mum that you are not part of.

My EXDP used to refuse to do anything fun with our DC if his EOW DC wasn't there that weekend. He would wind up his DC (my DSC) to the point where I once had DSC ask why we'd gone to Tesco without him 🙄🙄🙄

You and your DH absolutely need to be on the same page with this, otherwise the relationship won't survive (mine failed after 7 years).

It’s good to read that most of your SC understand and aren’t upset by it. Obviously if it was something like Disneyland we’d schedule it for when SC were with us, but not general things like soft play / bike rides / cinema / bowling. There’ll also be some events which are date-specific which we’ll still go to with our baby even if SC aren’t around, like Fireworks Nights.

The problem with explaining they do fun things with their mum is that they don’t… Their mum only works on weekends so they’re often palmed off to family or babysitters when they’re not with us.

You don't have to explain anything to them that's the thing. You're choosing to make it into an issue by highlighting it. If you just carry on and let them get on with it, they'll adapt and understand. Sadly it's life.
I am sure mum has her reasons for working. She is working, not frolicking with various boyfriends at weekends and palming off the children.

I’m not making anything a thing yet, because it hasn’t happened! I’m just trying to put myself in their shoes and work out how to deal with any negative feelings before they happen. But you’re probably right and I’m overthinking it.

Another thing I’m worried about is clubs. We’ve never been very successful in getting SC into clubs when they’re with us because they can’t go every week, but with my own children, I’ll want them to have the same opportunities as I had (horse riding, music lessons, sports clubs). Is this going to make SC feel jealous?

I think you are overthinking. Children in separated families (where no abuse occurred) do have a propensity to adapt well.
How often does your husband have kids for contact, is it every other weekend?

EOW and about 2/3 of the school holidays. Because their mum works when she doesn’t have them and we don’t tend to do anything fun (for children) when we don’t have them either, I’m not sure they ever really feel they’re missing out at the moment. But it’s reassuring that PPs think they won’t be upset by it.

What's the age gap going to be? You'll be doing a lot of baby friendly activities that the SCs probably won't want to do anyway. Why is mum having them on weekends when she's working? Could you have them more?

Well, yes, it probably will make them feel jealous and resentful. But the solution to that is for their parents to get their act together and coordinate so that the the SC can have access to opportunities and activities, not for your children to be deprived of them in the name of fairness.

I feel sorry for your stepchildren who are clearly getting a bum deal. I think all you can do is give your children the life you want to give them, and include the SC as much as you can when they are with you. At least they have a stepmother who considers their feelings and isn't trying to marginalise them.

If mum works at weekends wouldn’t it make sense for you to have DSC at weekends and mum has more time in the week

We’ve offered to pay for activities like swimming and music lessons, and clubs in the past but their mum doesn’t want to take them or help them practice. She’s not a bad mum but her priorities are pretty different to mine and I find it hard to understand sometimes. But they’re happy and fed and generally clean, and staying at home all the time isn’t neglect. As for why she works weekends, I don’t know. They’re all at school now, they’re 4, 6 and 8.

We’ve asked for more weekends but she’s not keen, and has already agreed for us to have them most of the holidays. We can’t have them midweek due to the distance (she moved as soon as the divorce went through).

Well, she probably works weekends because life costs money and she has childcare available then when she is working?

There are two of you, so by the time your baby is old enough to do clubs, then you take that DC and your partner looks after his DC. They will appreciate the time with him doing things with them.

You're absolutely not overthinking it; this can and has been an issue, or potential issue, for blended families I know. Success of each approach is largely dependent on the Dad's behaviour and view on it.

If the Dad doesn't make it a big deal, the DSC won't either.

Another issue you specify regarding clubs, will depend on the child's parents attitudes to it.

My EX-DSCs Mum refused to take EX-DSC to swimming lessons which me and my EXDP paid for, during her weekends. This meant that every Saturday morning EXDP was committed up to 12 midday. He'd then say he was too tired to take our DC anywhere following.

I ended up taking our DC to all their extra-curricular activities by myself as my EXDP wouldn't as he said he was tired from ferrying around his DC, even on the weekends they weren't staying with us!

You haven't mentioned what your DH's view is on all this, but he should be the one being proactive about making sure all his DC get equal support from him, and explaining the difference in households. You will be the bad guy if you are having to do all the talking.

It's a few years before your DC will be able to tell older siblings what they were up to last weekend, and by then the youngest will be at least 7/8 and it won't seem such a big deal. 4 is so little, it's easy to think of them as the baby still but in reality the kids will be into different things.
I definitely wouldn't be doing the big ticket "family days out" without them, but theres no reason whatsoever for your baby not to enjoy experiences more focused on their age group on the other weekend.
We went to a farm park with my DC recently and DSD didn't bat an eye. She's sort of over all that stuff now.

Life continues and most kid get that. The issue really arises when, usually, the fathers house decides to take the new DCS away on a big holiday, life event holiday -Disney and not the DSCs for cost reasons invariably.

This usually results in comments like well their Mum takes them on holiday, etc etc. When DCs see their parent go off on luxury holidays and take their new siblings but not them - it is invaribly going to cause upset. Mine lied to their DF when he did/does this - but would cry bitterly with me. It is hard to watch their pain and care for them.

Daily family life stuff fine - big events need considering more carefully.

It doesn’t need to be an issue. Our lives don’t stop just because the SC aren’t here.
I was very firm with DH about this when we had our own kids together. Sometimes they’re with us for the fun, other times they’re not. That’s life.

It sounds harsh but they just have to lump it

Exactly this

It might do but again not your child's problem. Their parents are the ones who split up so they have to deal with it.

My partner doesn’t tell his other older son what we do of a weekend and sometimes will just go and get him for a couple hours to go certain places but no we don’t discuss anything like that infront of him unless he is involved. It’s really that simple unless your partners going to tell his child where he’s going each day. You are also 2 years off this being a massive thing anyway if your child isn’t 1/2 yet.

I think you need to start by reframing this in your own head. They are not ‘missing out’; they are with their mum and her family.

Life will continue for your child whether the SC are there or not. That’s how things are. It won’t be fair to your child if the key consideration in deciding whether to do something fun is the SC and whether they might feel they missed out.

You can’t change or control anything that happens with their mum. So stop factoring that into your decision making.

At 4, 6 and 8. It’s really tricky to have a school day job as children are frequently off / ill. Employers often aren’t very understanding but it sounds like she has free support at the weekends.

It might be nice to organise clubs over the holidays. I’ve given up on swimming lessons but do an intensive course in the holidays . They’ve also spent a week doing horse riding, curling, rock climbing as well as ubiquitous football.

Some club stuff the stepkids could do as summer intensives instead. I’m sure there are taster weeks for horseback riding in school holidays and it’s definitely something available for swimming lessons.