How do you/your SC deal with missing out on fun whilst they’re with their mum?

[Crababbles]

In the past we’ve done overtime or stuff that doesn’t appeal to small kids, but I’m pregnant so soon enough we’ll be doing family-friendly activities with our baby when we don’t have SC. How have you dealt with SC feeling like they’re missing out?

I don't think you are overthinking this I think it's a massive issue of real importance.

Look at it this way - your husband has to ensure to the best of his ability that all of his children have equal opportunities (just as you would if you had other children).

If they are not going to clubs when mum has them - what is he doing to step in and help? Do you live near enough that the time could be more flexible?

That sounds a sub standard arrangement for the kids - and you are absolutely right they will notice if their younger sibling has access to great weekend activities and they don't.

I'm not saying this critically as you yourself are clearly aware of this - I think you need to rethink his parenting of his other children if they are clearly missing out on things you already want for your new child.

The OP can’t be responsible for her husband and his ex not getting it together to let their kids do clubs.

And her child may well benefit from these things because she will give the child that opportunity. That is just life for the SC.

The OP can’t rethink his parenting of his older children. Nor should she take on responsibility for ensuring she gives them the opportunities their parents won’t just so she can give her child those opportunities.

Before we separated, STBXH and his ex made no effort to enable their children to learn skills or join clubs. My DS was doing high-level training for swimming plus standard training for rugby. Because his dad and I were willing to facilitate this. he gave up swimming because 5 early starts a week was way too much.

The SC still have never had any swimming lessons that the school hasn’t provided. My youngest gets swimming lessons and goes to little kids rugby too. Because I pay for it and ensure he gets the opportunity. The fact his older half siblings just can’t swim is not my problem. And I will not hold my child back from participating in sport because of that.

We don’t live close enough to take them to clubs, and as I said we already have them for most of the holidays and their mum’s not keen for us to have them for more weekends. We’ve offered to pay for clubs on their mum’s time but she doesn’t want to. To be honest, the kids can be quite lazy and would often rather watch TV than be outside of their comfort zones by having to learn anything or exert themselves (in my opinion this is because they’re not encouraged to).

I will look into intensive swimming lessons but for things like horse-riding there seems little point in forcing them to go to a pony club for a week a year at great expense when they don’t want to and will moan about it. I just hope they don’t feel it’s unfair when they’re a bit older and they see our joint children having skills and enjoying things like music and sports.

@Crababbles it annoys me greatly when people spout this type of shit.

If the DSc own parents aren't worried about it ...in what world does this mean it's something you have to take on the responsibility of fixing or not giving your children the opportunity your DSc have but their parents aren't taking up

Your DSc may have the raw end of this situation but the situation is caused 100% by the parent's actions or in this case inaction.

If it comes up I would kindly explain that maybe they should ask their mum and dad if they want to go to clubs, just as your dc will ask you.

They do the same thing lots of other kids do. Deal with the shitty hand they were dealt, make lots of mistakes and deal with their pain in unhealthy ways, get into bad relationships, and go to therapy.

Be interested to know how long you have been together?

I don’t think it’s my responsibility to fix per se, but I think the hardest part of having stepchildren is loving them and seeing them being raised in a way I wouldn’t raise them. Would they have a better material quality of life and probably better outcomes living with us? Probably. Would they be happier? Who knows. They love their mum.

DH and I have been together for four years, married for one.

But his youngest is 4?

Yes, DH and his first wife divorced when the youngest was a baby because she had an affair. She’s still with the other man. I met them all when the youngest was 1.

The youngest two don’t really remember a time when their parents were together, or before I and the other man were around.

Totally honestly we just don’t draw attention to it; we do big days out when DSD is with us but date specific things and other stuff we just do, we’d never lie to DSD but I don’t think she’s ever asked what we do when she isn’t there.
With your age gaps by the time your DC is old enough to talk about these things what you do with your 2/3 year old is less likely to appeal to your DSC so it probably won’t be much of an issue.

They aren't "palmed off" - their mum is at work and she organises childcare.

But the children are in school all week

I mean it's lovely that you care.

But if they have two loving parents these types of choices lie with the parents and so do the consequences.

Making a big with about this type of stuff won't help them in the long term and your own child will resent you if you don't give them the opportunities they deserve because of their DSc.

Equity and equality are different. Both sets of children should have the opportunity to do clubs and it sounds like your DSc have that opportunity it's just mum won't engage or isn't fussed. That's a parental choice on her part.

You shouldn't let that negativity affect your own child because it won't help relations between your child and your DSc as they grow up.

This is an adult problem and the kids (both sides) don't need to see you agonising over this.

If anyone should be making up for them having to split their time between two houses, it's the people involved in the split and it's certainly not you. Because you're not their parent and it won't make anyone happy.
You can't fix this. Even though you want to (which is a lovely impulse) but you trying to fix it will in all likehood cause more pain.

I grew up in a blended family and on this topic I have seen this go horribly wrong.

Your timeline is off, you have been together 4 years, met when the youngest was 1 but you have said the youngest is 4 🤔

Met the kids when the youngest was 1, obviously.

Maybe the youngest is about to turn 5 and there is some rounding of the years together.

Who care! Point is the children know no different.

why does it matter what age the child is or what the timeline of the relationship is?

As per PPs comments, I was with DH for a while before meeting the children. The youngest is about to turn 5. It’s irrelevant anyway. The point is their status quo is settled with regards to their stepparents.

Thanks to all who’ve shared, I’ll look into intensive holiday clubs, and otherwise hope that the age gap means SC won’t feel they’re missing out too much. Ultimately my responsibility will be to my own children and they will be raised differently because DH’s ex and I are very different people.

I have these worries often.

My SS will sometimes see photos of my DS and say 'I love that slide'. It makes me sad.

But then I remember that his Mum does loads with him. And he has the best of both worlds.
Even if she didn't do loads with him.. that wouldn't be something I should punish myself for or take responsibility for.

We plan the best plans for weekends with the SC and if something falls on a weekend without them, life goes on. We don't rub things in their faces and we focus on the positives of their two homes.

It does help that their mum does take them to clubs on her time, as we do on ours.

That said, I appreciate you've said they wouldn't be interested a week horse riding etc but maybe just ask the question 'what would you like to do?' If they aren't interested fine, but they may surprise you.