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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can I just call them my sons?

36 replies

iloveyoualla · 02/12/2023 18:46

This is a non-problem really and just musings.

I see my stepsons as my family as you would the traditional nuclear family.

When people who don’t know me well ask do you have kids I say (I suppose out of respect to the bio parents?) “no but I have stepsons.”

I actually feel quite uncomfortable every time I say that because i feel I’m doing them an injustice like I’m presenting them as some sort of extra or “just someone elses kids” when that’s not how I feel.

AIBU for just saying “yes?” When asked do you have kids?

Obviously I’m not going to go nuts and start introducing them as my sons in front of their mum and dad that’s a bit much. 😂

For further context my husband wouldn’t be bothered and their mum is remarried and her new husband calls them his sons.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/12/2023 19:05

I think it depends on how the children react to it. I have been on both ends of step parent/child and I always include my DSS in my number of children and don't feel need to qualify anything else anymore.

helpfulperson · 02/12/2023 19:10

Surely you don't need to say yes or no. You just say ' I have two stepsons'.

theduchessofspork · 02/12/2023 19:13

I just say ‘I have stepkids’ when people ask me that - I love them - stepchildren is just a description of our relationship. I certainly don’t think it’s dismissing them.

Original poster

iloveyoualla · 02/12/2023 19:13

PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/12/2023 19:05

I love that. Thanks for the perspective

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 02/12/2023 20:51

My dh generally says he has 3 children but if the conversation continues he will probably mention two are step children

bellsandwhistles333 · 02/12/2023 21:15

Personally no I always say we have the number of children we do between us but I always stipulate that we have a son together and my husband has children before we.

This doesn't diminish how they are treated or felt about but I have always found it to be disrespectful to them and this mother of if I claim them as mine with no acknowledgment of her.

I would be furious if another woman said my son was hers

Orangeteatime · 02/12/2023 21:25

There is a difference between calling them your children and calling them your sons. If someone calls my stepson my son I tend to correct them because that's what he prefers, but I'd always include him in my children and he expects and likes that.
Any ideas what they'd like? Also, as PP said you can keep it positive with, 'Yes, I have stepsons,' rather than, 'No, but I have stepsons'.

muchalover · 02/12/2023 21:31

I think you are conflating what your DH ex wife's DH says - which clearly your DH doesn't mind and thinking that your SS DM would/should feel the same.

As she carried those children and may have stretch marks etc as a result she may feel very differently to your DH and be highly offended that you intend to fill a vacancy that doesn't exist. It isn't even just about what the SS say.

Ibizabar · 02/12/2023 21:34

No. Because they are not your sons.

Deliasdelilahs · 02/12/2023 21:59

I wouldn't say 'no I have two step sons' I would say 'yes I have two step sons'

Precipice · 02/12/2023 22:03

No, call them your stepsons. You can skip the "No" opening of the answer.

I have a stepfather. We have a good relationship, but I'm not his daughter and he's not my father. I'm definitely not going to go around referring to him as that and I wouldn't like being called his daughter either.

drowninginsunshine · 02/12/2023 22:29

bellsandwhistles333 · 02/12/2023 21:15

Personally no I always say we have the number of children we do between us but I always stipulate that we have a son together and my husband has children before we.

This doesn't diminish how they are treated or felt about but I have always found it to be disrespectful to them and this mother of if I claim them as mine with no acknowledgment of her.

I would be furious if another woman said my son was hers

In this case I think it's fine as the bio mum's new partner refers to them as 'his' sons.

Wherearemykeysagain · 02/12/2023 22:33

You could answer the question "do you have kids?" with "yes, I have have two wonderful step sons". You're being accurate but also including them as your family.

HoHoHoliday · 02/12/2023 22:34

I suppose it depends whether you have a parental role in their life? I'm guessing you do, as you've said you consider them part of your family.
If stepson feels awkward and son feels wrong, you could answer "I have two boys". Then it doesn't matter how they arrived in your life - just that you have two boys in your family.

DaphneMoo · 02/12/2023 22:37

Well as someone who has had a step father ( who considers me his daughter) for 40 years and a child who has had a step father for almost his whole life ( in both cases father's had died) no you are not their father so don't say you are especially in front of the child

RM2013 · 02/12/2023 23:12

I always say I have 2 DC and a step son

AliMonkey · 02/12/2023 23:21

“Yes I have two stepsons” feels like the right answer to me. It shows that you think of them as your kids but acknowledges their bio parents as well.

tiggergoesbounce · 02/12/2023 23:33

As others have said. Dont call them your sons, they arent, so just a "i have stepsons" if you need to.

Friarclose · 02/12/2023 23:42

I have one DS and 2 DSS's. I call them "my boys" or "the boys" if people ask I tell them they're step and bio mixed but I've had them in my life since they were 1 and 4 (now 11 and 14) so I feel as though they are mine in a way, I didn't birth them but I've helped raise them along with dh and their dm of course.

However if its a new relationship then of course not, they're your step children only. I also would never refer to them as mine in front of them, as they have a dm they love and I would never undermine her. My DS13 has a stepmum whom he calls her name, if he ever asked to call her mum I'd go along with it but it would hurt me.

MustBeThursday · 03/12/2023 07:55

My stepfather refers to me as his daughter. It acknowledges the relationship we have. He's been in my life since I was a young child. I don't call him "dad" because I already call my bio father that, but if I say my parents, I mean DM and DSF. He is a dad to me. It doesn't stop my bio dad being my dad too.

Hereforthedramaz · 03/12/2023 08:23

My stepfather doesn't differentiate between his biological kids and me when talking about his children.

I generally do differentiate sibling, but mostly because otherwise there are 10 of us and people are "surprised"

As PP says depends how the kids feel and also who you are talking to! Most people don't need to know details of genetics and people you know well enough already know!

ZenNudist · 03/12/2023 08:29

No they aren't your sons. They are step sons. Don't overcomplicate. If it weren't for mumsnet I'd just assume you love stepson like sons.

Sux2buthen · 03/12/2023 08:32

My 'stepdad' has been in my life since I was 5. He calls me daughter and so he should, if he ever said different I'd be gutted.
It's different in every family

MintJulia · 03/12/2023 08:36

No. They aren't your sons. Don't start a lie that may soon make people uncomfortable.

Say 'I have two step sons.' or 'my dh has two sons.'

Ffsnotaconference · 03/12/2023 08:40

Tbh I would find it odd if some said they had 2 sons, then later, down the line, it became clear they were step children who had both parents involved.

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