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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How is the best way to introduce children to new partner?

33 replies

Angeldelight1555 · 23/11/2023 10:44

Me and my Boyfriend have been together for a year now and things are great. I have two children from my marriage before and he has none. We are thinking about in the new year introducing him to the children and I wondered how is the best way to go about it? I thought maybe he could just pop over for a coffee and we could play some games so they are in their own territory however some people advise doing it away from the home. The children do know about him and are excited to meet him. I thought it best to build them up to the idea of him slowly. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
keye · 23/11/2023 10:48

Absolutely not in their home.

How old are the children? Have an age appropriate day out.

Original poster
Angeldelight1555 · 23/11/2023 11:05

@keye Thanks for your reply. Out of curiosity, why not in their own home? They are 6 and 3. Myself and their Dad co-parent and divorced when the youngest was a baby

OP posts:
keye · 23/11/2023 11:06

It's their home. Their space. Their safety. Their comfort. It's also completely unnecessary.

friendsfiend · 23/11/2023 11:07

Pick somewhere out that they're comfortable with. I know it's winter and cold but a park trip and hot chocolate or something.
Definitely not at home.

ChickenAndRice3 · 23/11/2023 11:08

I agree, it's THEIR Home and their safe space.

Do it outside of the home.

Original poster
Angeldelight1555 · 23/11/2023 11:10

Yeah of course I get that. So many different opinions on it. I know some people say its best at home because they feel safe and are able to be themselves. But I do agree I'll arrange a day out. Something light and not too full on.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 23/11/2023 11:18

I met my stepkids in DHs home. They were 13, 14 and 3 at the time. I think it would have been more awkward to have arranged a day out as it would have felt more forced. Given their ages, it was easier to meet them in their home so they could just head to their rooms if they wanted.

Why don't you just ask the kids? "OH is excited to meet you both, should we all go out somewhere or would you like him to come here to play?". Shows that although there may be a new person on the scene that their opinions are still important.

Original poster
Angeldelight1555 · 23/11/2023 11:28

@Laurdo See this was my thinking on it and why I thought the house could be a possibility because they aren't forced to stay in the same space and can go off and play if they felt they wanted to. If I asked I know they will say a day out lol because that's always what they want to do. I'm just having a look at days out that isn't so forced and I know they will be comfortable with. But I just don't know where to start with all of this merging. I want to do it right and not have anyone feel uncomfortable

OP posts:
ChickenAndRice3 · 23/11/2023 11:32

What about you could start off with a morning out in the park, if it's going well you could float the suggestion of going back to your house for lunch/hot chocolate/tea?

Laurdo · 23/11/2023 11:42

Angeldelight1555 · 23/11/2023 11:28

@Laurdo See this was my thinking on it and why I thought the house could be a possibility because they aren't forced to stay in the same space and can go off and play if they felt they wanted to. If I asked I know they will say a day out lol because that's always what they want to do. I'm just having a look at days out that isn't so forced and I know they will be comfortable with. But I just don't know where to start with all of this merging. I want to do it right and not have anyone feel uncomfortable

What about a softplay. You and OH could sit and have a coffee and the kids go off and play. If they're anything like my DSD they're back and forth like a yo-yo to our table. That way it's not full-on. Then if things go well you could always ask if they want OH to come back to the house.

Moveoverdarlin · 23/11/2023 11:43

I think doing it at home would be better. If you go on a day out, it feels a bit forced and contrived and even the happiest of families will then debate (argue) about what rides to go on, what place to visit, what to have for lunch, can we have ice-cream, I want that that and that. Most car journeys with a 6 and 3 year aren’t easy and chilled.

Whereas if he popped round on a Saturday morning for a coffee and cake and chat it would be so much more relaxed and chilled. He can leave after 2 hours, then do the same the next weekend and the next. Then do a day out to a Christmas Market or something like that a few weeks later. I just think if your boyfriend doesn’t have kids, going straight in with a day out with a 3 and 6 year old might scare him off!! That’s a joke before anyone jumps on me, but I have kids a similar age and excursions, meals out and day trips are often fraught.

Original poster
Angeldelight1555 · 23/11/2023 11:50

@Moveoverdarlin Haha no that was exactly my worry with a day out. I don't want to run the risk of them getting too over stimimulated and tired on the first introduction. Kids will be kids and he knows that and I know he is very patient and kind however I don't want him to think everytime he seems them they are going to be as over excited and crazy as they are on a whole day out because they are alot more chilled and relaxed at home. I think I might do a park visit and then lunch at home if everyone seems to get on well enough and seems happy about it

OP posts:
Laurdo · 23/11/2023 11:51

Moveoverdarlin · 23/11/2023 11:43

I think doing it at home would be better. If you go on a day out, it feels a bit forced and contrived and even the happiest of families will then debate (argue) about what rides to go on, what place to visit, what to have for lunch, can we have ice-cream, I want that that and that. Most car journeys with a 6 and 3 year aren’t easy and chilled.

Whereas if he popped round on a Saturday morning for a coffee and cake and chat it would be so much more relaxed and chilled. He can leave after 2 hours, then do the same the next weekend and the next. Then do a day out to a Christmas Market or something like that a few weeks later. I just think if your boyfriend doesn’t have kids, going straight in with a day out with a 3 and 6 year old might scare him off!! That’s a joke before anyone jumps on me, but I have kids a similar age and excursions, meals out and day trips are often fraught.

Agreed. I don't understand the big deal of someone going into their home. We're talking about a man she's been seeing for a year, not a paedophile. Does this rule apply to everyone? Are OPs friends not allowed round for a coffee because it's the kids safe space?

Original poster
Angeldelight1555 · 23/11/2023 11:52

@Laurdo Mine do exactly the same. Come back gasping for air and drinks and all sticky and sweaty lol. I think either the park or soft play for an hour and then if everyone's comfortable lunch at mine

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeldelight1555 · 23/11/2023 11:57

@ChickenAndRice3 Thank you! I do think as I mentioned on the other post. A park trip and lunch sounds best! 😋

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 23/11/2023 11:59

Some people seem to move fast. My NDNs have their youngest DC aged 2, but there are three older children aged 7, 9 and 11yo. The Dad to the youngest is a stepdad to the three older ones. He must have been moved in fairly fast if there's only five years between youngest and the 7yo. Luckily they all get on fine but it must be a big gamble.

Personally I would meet outside the home if in this situation.

Poppy128xx · 23/11/2023 12:16

Vettrianofan · 23/11/2023 11:59

Some people seem to move fast. My NDNs have their youngest DC aged 2, but there are three older children aged 7, 9 and 11yo. The Dad to the youngest is a stepdad to the three older ones. He must have been moved in fairly fast if there's only five years between youngest and the 7yo. Luckily they all get on fine but it must be a big gamble.

Personally I would meet outside the home if in this situation.

How is 5 years too fast?!?

Laurdo · 23/11/2023 12:19

Poppy128xx · 23/11/2023 12:16

How is 5 years too fast?!?

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Because this is Mumsnet where you must wait until the kids are in their 30s to introduce a new partner 🤣

Vettrianofan · 23/11/2023 12:21

Poppy128xx · 23/11/2023 12:16

How is 5 years too fast?!?

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Well, it must be less than five years. There's a five year gap between the youngest and the next child up in age which makes me think that she must have got together with new partner when the 7yo was 2/3yo. That is fast moving out of one relationship then onto another IMO.

Samee20 · 23/11/2023 12:25

At home because they are more comfortable in their own space and they will get to know him better as well. Outside they won't be comfortable with him as they haven't seen him and that age they might not interact fully Outside. At home its safe for them. My daughter is 5 and she always gets more comfortable with the people who she meets at home, and not very comfortable when she meets them outside.

Poppy128xx · 23/11/2023 12:26

Vettrianofan · 23/11/2023 12:21

Well, it must be less than five years. There's a five year gap between the youngest and the next child up in age which makes me think that she must have got together with new partner when the 7yo was 2/3yo. That is fast moving out of one relationship then onto another IMO.

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So 2-3 years is now also too fast? Aren't these your neighbours so how do you know anything about the ins & outs of their relationship?

I never understand people who waits years to do introductions. Imagine investing all that time & effort into a relationship and then you meet the children and realise it doesn't work? I met my DP's kid 6 months in which is obviously considered F1 speed according to mumsnet, and DP's ex of course kicked up a stink about it....yet here we are together, settled & happy after 5 years together whilst she's been through 3 different men (but that's ok as different rules apply ot her). Rant over 😂

Laurdo · 23/11/2023 12:32

Vettrianofan · 23/11/2023 12:21

Well, it must be less than five years. There's a five year gap between the youngest and the next child up in age which makes me think that she must have got together with new partner when the 7yo was 2/3yo. That is fast moving out of one relationship then onto another IMO.

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Sometimes relationships are over before they are over. My DH had checked out of his relationship long before he finally ended it. COVID made leaving far more difficult but eventually he had no choice. We started seeing each other when they had been split about 5 months but he had been unhappy for a long, long time. We never planned on anything serious but fell for each other quite quickly. We bought a house after 6 months together, but had knows each other 20 years.

People have kids with partners they've been with for a decade and it doesn't work out. I don't think it's fair to judge too much on timescales. Everyone's different and sometimes you just know.

OP has been with her OH for a year so I don't think she is rushing anything.

ProvenceWhipped · 23/11/2023 12:40

I introduced my DC to OH on boxing day. We had been together for around a year - DC knew about OH, was excited to meet him, had asked to meet him and so I suggested to DC why doesn't OH come round on boxing day and you can show him all your lovely toys Father Christmas brought. It went brilliantly and DC asked OH to never leave - he moved in the next week!

Farcry66 · 23/11/2023 12:43

We went for a walk in woods, and my (at the time) 6 year old had such a good time and in depth conversation about minecraft with him that he invited him over for a playdate!

At the grand old age of 10, he still thinks he is mainly responsible for us getting together, we haven't corrected him to tell him we'd been together for about 16 months before that (but covid got in the way).

Poppy128xx · 23/11/2023 12:44

ProvenceWhipped · 23/11/2023 12:40

I introduced my DC to OH on boxing day. We had been together for around a year - DC knew about OH, was excited to meet him, had asked to meet him and so I suggested to DC why doesn't OH come round on boxing day and you can show him all your lovely toys Father Christmas brought. It went brilliantly and DC asked OH to never leave - he moved in the next week!

That's so lovely 😊

I met my DSD during a trip to go bowling, but that's because DP was living with his parents at the time. I saw DSD then every other weekend for around 6 months before we then moved into together.