Advice for new step-mum to pre-teen girl

[scotmackey]

Hi,

I'm looking for advice because I'm trying to work out my role in my 12 year old 'step-daughter's' life as she has moved in with us as her primary home.**

She's a sweet, clever, affectionate girl but has had a hard time with her parents' divorce, a family death, her older siblings leaving home and her mum (DP's ex wife) being away for work a lot. So she's been quite sad and quiet at times, or anxious, which sometimes manifests as more 'challenging' behaviour (nothing bad, but being a bit more argumentative etc. than usual).

I really empathise and have been trying to care for her as much as possible without overstepping the mark. I've been with her father for a few years, but I'm still relatively new in her life.

Her Dad is trying his best, but he is a man in his early 50s who is not naturally super emotionally expressive - he is kind, patient, very steady, generous, but there is a natural gender/ age gap.
She is increasingly coming to me to talk, although she is naturally a bit shy in general. She will talk about e.g. friendships at school, and has raised questions and mentioned thoughts about her parents' divorce with me.

However it's a bit difficult as she also feels loyal to her mum + older sisters, and I don't know how much I should be playing a 'mum' figure in her life - is there a right way to step parent?

For context, I'm late 30s and have no children of my own, so motherhood is really new to me.

I would really really appreciate advice from experienced mothers and stepmothers here.

**Not married to DP yet but using step-mother term just for simplicity's sake for the thread title - we do plan to get married in the future

When I say 'wanting to care without overstepping the mark' I mean I'm not pushing her to come and chat, just trying to follow her lead - but maybe I should be leading and showing some more responsibility?

I think if her Mum is still on the scene, then just keep doing what you are doing - let the girl lead what she wants from you.
Keep her home a safe, welcoming place. Think about things like providing sanitary protection, toiletries etc.
Talk to your partner about the kind of thing he might not realise needs to be provided - new clothes, phones, etc.
Grey areas for overstepping - doctors appointments, hair cuts, ear piercing, significant events, attending school stuff.
As a SM I thought my best role was supporting DH to be the best Dad he could be. I was more like an aunt than a Mum. Kind, thoughtful, but deferred to their parents.
Talk to your partner about things like discipline - DH accepted that I would pull the kids up on minor things, but more serious stuff was for him and his ex to agree consequences for.

I think reinforcing that you are there for her, after she tells you something verbalise that you are happy she came and talked to you. She can talk to you anytime. You really love getting to know her properly. Also share both ways. Tell her about things that happened to you that are obviously appropriate. This shows you trust her also.

I think it's more of a case of her leading with what your role is. It sounds like it might take time but the two of you are moving towards working out the relationship. It sounds like you're doing a good job though.
Your partner can't just say he's unemotional and not stand up. She's going through a difficult time because of the situation with her mum as well as puberty so needs the support.

Thank you - that's a really nice point about sharing things that are appropriate. I think she would appreciate that.

Yes, hopefully!
With my DH he really does try. But he's from a very English / posh/ stiff upper lip background so his whole adult life has been a learning curve in expressing himself! He's really good at listening, maybe less so at describing his own feelings, which I think she needs a little bit.
And it's hard because there is a natural divide between a 12 year old girl and a 52 year old man - even though they get on and are father & daughter - I guess I'm more in the middle as a late 30s woman, so find myself explaining their behaviour to each other to an extent..!

That's helpful. I guess re. new clothes, phones etc, it feels funny that I'm taking on the parenting role to an extent there - obviously she doesn't want to go clothes shopping with him, but her mum is too busy at the moment, so I go, then I feel like I'm stepping in too much. (Her mum feels I am at least so it's not unfounded worrying.) She increasingly just asks me to buy period products (e.g. if we're out and it's an emergency) rather than go to her Dad - then he sometimes worries he's not doing enough. But maybe that's more of a male / female thing than stepparent / bio parent

It would be easier to think of yourself as an aunt or older sister and act appropriately. This is a good tactic for any kind of mother to tweens or teens. They really start to resent mothering around this age! It's so much better to just listen and ask clarifying questions rather than offer help or advice. I learned this the hard way with my eldest-now-17yo. Shopping is always a good idea. You can't really overstep unless her mother has drawn some kind of boundary and told you, or you speak negatively of her, etc. You're allowed to relax and even enjoy your time with her, that will probably help her relax too. Just be yourself!

With some experience of being a step mum, I would say ‘walk away’.

Or at the very least go away for a weekend, preferably with some good female friends, and take a very unemotional cold hard look at this. An outside perspective.

This girl, who is about to hit the tricky teens, has been basically rejected from her mother’s. This is a HUGE deal for her at age 12. It’s a big red flag that this family you are walking into, isn’t functioning in a way that is taking care of your SD. There must be problems there for her mum to suggest she move into her father’s. He doesn’t seem to be really that engaged and very happy to pass on parental duties to you.

At the moment, you will probably be feeling very close to your partner, and kind of flattered as well that you’ve had this gap open up in her life, and she is milling around in it and looking to you. This cannot end well for her, it’s a very difficult age to bond with another woman as a mother figure. And there will be loyalty binds with her mum that will rear their ugly head soon enough.

I feel very sad for her. And also for you. If she was younger, then there would be more chance to bond. However at 12 it really is a terrible age for her parents to be enforcing a huge change, and she will be feeling very rejected. It’s too painful really if you are rejected to form a bond with your Dad’s GF instead. Her mother will not like it. She will be stuck in the middle. And so will you.

I just wouldn't.

You're making quite a few excuses for her father refusing to parent but he's all too happy to dump that on you.

@SingleMum11 if you read the start of the thread the child is there because her mother's household has changed. So her mother isn't around due to work and her older siblings no longer live at home.

Instead her dad and stepmother are around.

OP you need to get your DP to buy period products and have them in stock at home so his DD isn't having to ask you in an emergency. It's not like she isn't going to need them for the next 6+ years. Basically they need to go on the shopping list which he pays for.

He should also be able to take his daughter shopping. Yes it is boring for him but he needs to suck it up like my DP, brothers and male friends do. Only in rare occasions should you be taking her shopping.

Your job is to support his parenting not do it for him like you seem to plan on doing. If you left tomorrow you wouldn't see her again.

Thank you very much for your replies. I'm not trying to 'make excuses' for my DP, just trying to give context really. He does buy (e.g.) period products regularly, among other things like the particular brands of cereal / chocolate / etc., she likes, he is the main cook in our house & 80% of the time makes meals we prefer - think tofu type things when he is an old fashioned meat + two veg man! He's learned and adapted, but he's always been around and been a good father.

But I would have thought it is sort of normal for there to be a slight gap in understanding between a slightly older father and a pre-teenage girl. She doesn't want to talk to him about a slight crush she has on a boy - isn't that kind of normal? (She also has friends as well of course).

I may be slightly skewed though as my own Dad wasn't around a huge amount when I was a teenager, mainly being away for work. So I always went to my mum / sister before him even though we all loved each other

Thank you for this perspective.

I have been away quite a few times, and made sure to get my friends' opinions My close friends have stayed in the flat + nearby (we're in different countries), we've been for meals and so on - both just me and with my new DP.
They really like him, and are also relieved I've found a kind, reliable man that I love after a LOT of dating! (And they would tell me if they thought he was an @rsehole - they have in the past!).

I know it is a bit of a complicated family setup. It isn't ideal. I won't go into lots of detail about their divorce etc., but they functioned well as a family because of their different strengths, being part of a bigger family unit with other relatives living nearby. DP's DD12 chose to move in with us as her primary residence and after a lot of discussion it was decided this would be the best fit for everyone in terms of working patterns, location, general ability to care at the moment - her mum is very much in her life and is an amazing women in so many ways.

But before DD12 started visiting DP to stay with him post-divorce, they actually hadn't even spent much time one on one before. Being part of a big family, there was always someone around. So it has been a lot to take in.

That's the thing - I'm not 'planning' to do his parenting, but she naturally is coming to me for more female - centered activity like clothes shopping. It's such a delicate age, I'd never have gone shopping with my dad then, feeling self-conscious and uncertain about my body.

@junbean could you give me an example of 'clarifying questions'?
I mean, I had a nice relationship with my mum growing up but it's been so long since I was 12 , I feel like I've forgotten everything about that age.
I've been in the world as an independent person / just dating for my whole adult life, so being part of a family again is all quite new to me.

@scotmackey Ive been where you are, slightly different ages but an age gap between me and husband which put me closer to step daughters age.
Ignore the ‘walk awayers’. If you’re happy and it’s generally working there is nothing to say that it won’t continue to work. You sound like you’re approaching it very much like I did and that worked for us. I’ve become the person that both step son and daughter will talk to about things (a bit like the dynamic with my own parents, I tend to tell mum stuff first) because presumably that feels OK for them. Step kids are now in their 40s and have their own kids).

That might be your opinion but that is all it is, there are lots of ‘need’s ‘should’s and assumptions in this post.

He needs to step the fuck up. Why is a 12 year old having to ask for period protection? He should be making sure there's a ready supply.

He needs to be making himself emotionally available. You're doing a great job and I think you know the lines but he needs to parent. Not just provide things.

Well done though- it's a tough gig. Make sure you never slag off her parents and you'll be grand.

You sound such a lovely, thoughtful person. Yoy're step daughter is lucky to have you. No advice but just wanted to say good luck to you all.

I think the best position you can be is like a kind auntie. You're an adult that sets an example and rules for safety/the home but you're not doing the actual parenting rule setting. If your niece and nephew wanted to
Talk about their family or friends with you respond in a similar way. Also make it clear to her what you will and won't share with her father (and her father will make his own mind up about what needs to be shared with the mother probably will some input from you but his call and responsibility)

Thank you, that's what I'm trying to do.

Just this morning, she talked to me a bit about a worry she was having at school. We chatted for a while and then I asked if she'd mentioned it to her Dad, which she then did. But she said she likes talking to me because I'm younger, a woman, and it's 'less pressure' simply because I'm not her mum or dad. She said it was nice having a 'parent alternative' (!) which is so sweet.

I feel more encouraged by your replies that I'm not messing everything up.

I do think (and this is just a gentle not condemning reflection on DP) that I probably am better at talking about emotional topics than he is. Although IMO he is pretty good for a posh middle aged English guy. And it's a rare parent indeed who can magically do everything: make money & provide stability, do all the cooking and house organisation, be a therapist counsellor driver etc. etc... admittedly I'm not a parent, but none of my friends IRL who are parents manage to shine perfectly in every single aspect of parenting.

He really does try, and he is kind, supportive, and patient. But I probably am a bit better with the ins and outs and nuances of her worries.

He does buy sanitary protection etc., but periods are a bit irregular when you're younger and so sometimes we've been out on a day trip or on holiday, when there's an 'emergency' - that's what I mean. It's just simpler for me to sort it.

It still stands. The girl has been sent to her dads because of convenience and will feel rejected. Is being rejected. It’s a massive deal. Her father seems in no way up to the task and therefore step mum is in the position of ‘mum’ which is emotionally a bit traumatic for the girl.

The mother is too busy to shop with her!

Thank you! That's so lovely to hear.
I'm always interested in hearing about other age-gap relationships.
I've searched it a lot on mumsnet and everyone always seems to say 'oh DP is 10+ years older but he's so young for his age' which mine isn't, he is very happily middle -aged and very much a man in his early 50s! Which is fine by me.
One of his other children has said they're glad I'm younger because it stops him from getting too grumpy/ set in his ways.
Having a child aged 40 (his others are older) isn't that dramatic, but it does mean there is a generational gap. And I'm now realising from posting here that I can kind of fit into that gap, which could be a good thing.