Advice for new step-mum to pre-teen girl

[scotmackey]

Hi,

I'm looking for advice because I'm trying to work out my role in my 12 year old 'step-daughter's' life as she has moved in with us as her primary home.**

She's a sweet, clever, affectionate girl but has had a hard time with her parents' divorce, a family death, her older siblings leaving home and her mum (DP's ex wife) being away for work a lot. So she's been quite sad and quiet at times, or anxious, which sometimes manifests as more 'challenging' behaviour (nothing bad, but being a bit more argumentative etc. than usual).

I really empathise and have been trying to care for her as much as possible without overstepping the mark. I've been with her father for a few years, but I'm still relatively new in her life.

Her Dad is trying his best, but he is a man in his early 50s who is not naturally super emotionally expressive - he is kind, patient, very steady, generous, but there is a natural gender/ age gap.
She is increasingly coming to me to talk, although she is naturally a bit shy in general. She will talk about e.g. friendships at school, and has raised questions and mentioned thoughts about her parents' divorce with me.

However it's a bit difficult as she also feels loyal to her mum + older sisters, and I don't know how much I should be playing a 'mum' figure in her life - is there a right way to step parent?

For context, I'm late 30s and have no children of my own, so motherhood is really new to me.

I would really really appreciate advice from experienced mothers and stepmothers here.

**Not married to DP yet but using step-mother term just for simplicity's sake for the thread title - we do plan to get married in the future

You sound like you are doing exactly what you should .,, my dsd comes to me for advice, issues including about her dm and stepdad, my main role is to listen and not judge. I do let her know what is acceptable in our house as needed but these boundaries are not unreasonable. She's in her 20's now

I'm trying to not go into loads of background detail about their divorce, but I don't have big problems with the ex-wife. She's a really impressive woman who is close with all her children.
She's got a very impressive career which has particularly taken off in the last 5-10 years with most of their children growing up. She's trying to balance her career, divorce, family.
it was hard managing the transition of DSD moving in with us but it's been much better for everyone.

As for DP, I'm trying to be honest about what he's like without excessively denigrating or praising him.

He's v kind, stable, generous, clever, hard working. He adores DD12, who is the much loved baby of the family. He manages all her appointments, school things, helps with homework, cooks, cleans, tries to talk with her about everything, has changed his working hours / job responsibilities to be at home more - e.g. wfh a couple of days a week. There aren't specific activities that they share, but they will go for walks together and talk, for e.g., or go to a bookshop and cafe at the weekend sometimes. But they've gone from a big family environment with several adults around and her older siblings, to it being just the two of them (and me). So it's a big change
.

Also, he's British, ( and very British) she is half-French, and culturally vvv French (we live in France). French is her first language + clear preference. So maybe there is that as well.

She sounds like a lovely girl.

I have a now-adult DSS, teen DD and teen DS. My DSS has brought and continues to bring so much joy to my life. As do DD and DD of course!

My advice would be to develop a positive and supportive relationship with your DSD's mum. This will be nice for DSD and will also make it easier to stay in her life if you did find yourself in the situation where you'd developed a strong bond then the relationship with her Dad ended.

But his own family background is : raised by a nanny, macho boys' private school, formal relationship with his own parents - so he has had to radically shift his whole understanding of the world to be a good, engaged parent. Whereas I came from a very close, emotionally open, more ordinary family, so I naturally find all this stuff easier.

Thank you, it's nice to hear your experience.

My relationship with DSD's mum is getting a bit better. I knew her first initially (she introduced us, ironically). She is very busy but she has decided she wants to get to know me a bit better now I'm in her daughters life so much

It sounds like you're a lovely person filling in the gaps where your DP struggles. What would he do if you weren't around? You talk about other needs and wants and not your own. Your DP has a younger woman who is taking on the emotional labour for his child. He's fallen on his feet

Haha yes, I'm a great catch ;)

Although it's unequal in some aspects, as most relationships are, overall I feel we balance each other out. We trust + love each other, which was certainly not the case for me in past relationships. He does pretty much all the domestic management stuff - organisation, cooking, finances - which I've always been quite haphazard with. We have a lot of the same cultural interests. My life is so much better with him. I'm able to to pursue my creative career without worrying about money, for the first time in my life. I am definitely benefiting from everything he has learned through being married for 2 decades though!

Sorry, went slightly off on a tangent then. I do have to remind him to have proper one-on-one time with her- otherwise he often defaults to just spending time in the flat while she's there, and considering that to be bonding...

‘But I would have thought it is sort of normal for there to be a slight gap in understanding between a slightly older father and a pre-teenage girl. She doesn't want to talk to him about a slight crush she has on a boy - isn't that kind of normal? (She also has friends as well of course). ‘

And of course you are right, OP. The counsel of perfection says her father should be able to supply all her emotional needs….meanwhile in the real,world, you seem to be doing a pretty good job. Xxxx

You sound lovely OP and are doing a great job. I would reiterate taking the role of favourite aunt in her life. Of course she will prefer to go clothes shopping with you and discuss boys, my own DD is very close to her dad but never goes clothes shopping with him.

As others have said think of your role on her life as an auntie
an extra significant adult that she can go for advice, and it’s great she’s opening to you
of course being a young teen girl she will look for a female to discuss crushes, sanitary products, will ask for makeup advice
goes without saying, big concerns you should involve your OH and even her mum
but normal day to day it’s even healthy for her to have an extra adult she trusts

Thank you! That's really helpful.

One potential worry I have is that she does sometimes mention worries about her parents /voices feeling sad about the divorce etc. with me. I don't know if I should stay out of talking about their marriage? (that's my general approach anyway)

It would be like if she was telling you about her day at school and she said, "Michelle was caught passing notes to Renee in class, and then Ms. Jones told her off." and then you say, "Was Renee the one who spent the night last Saturday?" or really you can say anything, like repeating what she said in your own words so you understand, giving her a chance to clarify. Sometimes at that age their stories are convoluted (my 13yo!!) so the best you can do is pretend to understand or show interest by asking to clarify the who, what, when, etc. Like, "Oh what did Michelle do then?" or "Do you and Renee get along well?" Just anything to deepen the convo without giving an opinion or judgement. If you listen passively it's hard to stay engaged and they won't feel like they can talk to you more. If you give opinions or advice they won't trust you. Even if she asks for advice make sure you ask, "Well what do you think?" first. Try to think of her as a peer, like a young adult, because that's how they view themselves usually. Or watch for that anyway. For my girls that started at 12.5-13yo and then the "I know everything and everyone else is an idiot" stage happened a bit later. If you remain a neutral ally who always listens with interest and no judgement, you'll do well!

That's tricky.
My DSD was younger but I had similar. She kept showing me her parents wedding photo. I think neither parent had really talked to her about what was happening.
I think listening, asking neutral questions and being appropriately honest. If the conversations stray into sensitive areas maybe deflect back to talking to her parents?

So I have 2 dds 12 and 14. The best way to communicate is while we are doing something so driving / walking / doing sport together.

Find a hobby together, and let her come to you.

She is lucky to have you in her life

The fact that you are thinking so much about this means you are going to be a great step mum!
As a mum of a girl of a similar age, don't be offended if she wants to spend time in her room on her own. Let her come to you. Try and find a shared hobby, dd and I like to swim together. Find a series on Netflix you can watch together.Really listen when she chats to you, some days my dd doesn't come up for air, others she is really quiet.
Make sure she has a supply of all things she may need. Sanitary products, deodorant, face wash, razors etc.

But, I may be slightly skewed though as my own Dad wasn't around a huge amount when I was a teenager, mainly being away for work.

And you've chosen an older, emotionally distant man for a partner. And are now taking on the emotional care of a tween daughter.

I mean it doesn't take Freud to see there's some interesting family dynamics here. Be very very careful. I suggest family therapy and solo for you. The chances of this ending healthily are a really slim if you don't all acknowledge the minefield you've walked into.

Thank you, that's so helpful! As I say, this is all pretty new to me so that's great.
She definitely likes being treated a bit like a 'peer'/ young adult, because she's always been the little one in the family. She clearly responds well to me listening more to the near- teenager she is rather than the younger child her family seem to see her as. But it is of course easier for me in a way to do this.
That's part of the issue - my DP still treats her a bit like a primary- school aged child, which she finds annoying.

I know, it probably does look a bit like that. But in every other way they are v different. And he isn't emotionally distant - just not emotionally in-your-face all the time. It doesn't feel too much like a minefield, just a slightly complicated situation. I try not to think too much about the age gap because we already get annoying comments about that.

Thank you, that's great advice.