Dating a single dad with challenging kids

[Headinablender]

I’m a single mum who wasn’t looking for a relationship but six months ago I got together with a really kind, funny and generous man. We knew each other at uni and met up again at an alumni event.

He has two kids, 6 and 8. He does 50-50 and has a part time nanny. He separated from ex wife 2 years ago. I wasn’t the other woman. He’s not asked me to move in or help with childcare. We both work full time in busy professional jobs and own our own homes.
Thing is I reckon his kids are going to become a delicate topic between us, because they seem quite troubled.

One kid has autism and one has ADHD.
The two parents do not parent consistently. My BF’s approach is rules, structure, consequences, limited screen time and set bedtimes, although he’s not getting very far with implementing any of this easily. The ex wife apparently is very child-focused and empathic but does not use rules or consequences or apply much structure. Him and her do not speak constructively and only discuss child arrangements. It was I gather a very unpleasant divorce with lawyers and relatives egging on them on to both go for 100pc custody.

I’ve met the kids on Saturdays a few times now. One night I stayed over. I was very uncomfortable with how the kids behaved. Actually shocked. They fought constantly. They got a consequence of no screens for rest of the day for hitting. They then teamed up to slam doors and scream they wanted to go back to mum’s where there are ‘no stupid rules.’

Other behaviours I observed were: refusing to eat at the table, refusing to eat vegetables, demanding separate meals, refusing to do homework, refusing to turn off the TV/game, refusing to go out for a walk, refusing to have their baths and refusing to go to bed.

l like my partner and enjoy our time together.
But these children, omg. I asked him if it was my presence unsettling the children. He said no they are equal opportunity offenders. Like this most days.

I’m curious for opinions about what may be going on with them, what may have caused their behaviours and most important how long their behaviours might persist. Is this normal for kids of divorced parents who aren’t consistent? Or is it fairly standard for disrupted ASD/ADHD kids?

I don’t want to save or fix these kids, that would be codependent, or to blend families as from what I’ve read on here that very rarely works.

Shall I just pretend I think the kids are great but be busy when I’m invited to the home on BF’s contact days? And hope it gets sorted out? How can I provide a decent level of support without advising or getting sucked into any drama?

Completely agree

You sound like you are dating my ex! He and his ex wife have this set up, down to the nanny and the running his own business and the ND boys. I walked away in the end after spending very occasional time (once every couple of months was all I could cope with and even then it only happened twice - just so I could be sure it wasn’t just a one off) with him when he had his kids. Never stayed there when the kids were there, he knew they would have lost the plot about that. He initially said he wanted a new family set up but changed his tune when I made it clear it would never be on the cards, but even seeing them in the open air (beach / forest) was just too difficult for me and my own DS. It was never advertised to my ex’s kids that my DS and I were anything other than just “daddy’s friend and her son” but it was telling that literally no other adults spent time with those kids, not even their own grandparents or aunts and uncles, never mind family friends.

like you, I had strong suspicions that the complete 180 between the two homes was not helpful for these boys and the incredibly high conflict divorce, complete inability of the parents to communicate civilly was a contributing factor in their obvious emotional distress and disregulation.

You don't want to save or fix the kids or blend families, which is absolutely fair enough (I wouldn't either). But they are very young and so you could have years of gradually getting drawn into the unwilling stepmum role unless you set clear boundaries now.

If you want to just date this man and have fun, then can you suggest to him that you only do it on his (and your) non-parenting days? So you can just enjoy each other's company without creating a complicated stepfamily scenario?

If you want anything more serious with him - well, my advice would be to forget it and run as far as you can, to be honest. Why tie yourself to that chaos? (Also agree with the posters who say that these kids will probably be around right into adulthood. My DP's adult kids still live alternately with their mum/gran, and show no motivation to move out, get jobs, or get on with their own lives. I think they'll still be there watching TV and leaving plates everywhere when they are 30, which is why I won't host them at mine 😂!)

I read through this thread with an ever-sinking feeling of dread. I am the single Dad in this scenario, sort of. I have a child with ADHD and Autism, who lives with me full-time. Our children are not naughty, they have a disability. They need structure and routine and every child is different, what they need and the support systems they need is different. SEN cannot be "parented" away, which shockingly is the gist of some of the posts on here.
I left my emotionally and finically abusive ex-husband over 5 years ago and he has subsequently moved in and married another woman. Living his life free from the real responsibility of raising a child, getting to be Disney Dad once a week whilst I do all the school runs, bedtimes, life/child/SEN admin, discipline, washing, cooking , cleaning - am I bitter, you bet I effing am!
I've just been in an 18 month relationship with a lovely guy, who has a 14 yr old son. It gave me a release, he was my support system, we shared everything with each other, no, we couldn't spend all day every day with each other but when I saw him, he made me happy. Out of the blue he ended it a couple of weeks ago, as I suspect, like the OP, he has focused on all the negative points of being in a relationship with a parent who has a child with SEN can be. I'd hoped he might change his mind. This thread just made me realise that unless you are the bio parent, it's all too easy to just walk away. Well, even in my case the bio parent did walk away.
It makes me very sad. I feel so sorry for the Dad in this situation, who is a person, who needs support, a supportive partner, someone to share stuff with, enjoy his life with. All of you telling the OP to "run away as fast as her legs will carry her" makes me want to cry.

@CreativeCrochet im sorry for your situation.

Whilst SEN can’t be parented away you can still be bad parent of a SEN child.

It’s a very sad reality but I don’t blame someone for not feeling they can manage the life of a SEN parent. A lot of SEN parents are burnt out and not coping, being a bio parent doesn’t make you immune, you just have less options.

Two different set of rules is not a problem. They will respect the rules of each place as long as they are properly enforced. Pretty much like with school and home rules, kids can be lovely in one place or dreadful in the other depending on how the rules are applied.

They are disabled children both with conditions that are part of a spectrum: Not all ADHD children are the same, nor can they made to match other kids with ADHD with better behaviours as all depends on the level of disability and their very individual circumstances. The same applies for autism.

I would say that if you find it overwhelming, you may be much better off signing off before you get more attached to their dad and I am saying that as a parent of a disabled child who has an amazingly understanding partner with the patience of a saint, but it is not an easy life and definitely not one that many people can cope with if the children are not their own.

Shall I just pretend I think the kids are great

No because you would be living an inauthentic life. It will unravel eventually.

Check out the step parenting threads to give you an idea of your future.

Definitely this.