Dating a single dad with challenging kids

[Headinablender]

I’m a single mum who wasn’t looking for a relationship but six months ago I got together with a really kind, funny and generous man. We knew each other at uni and met up again at an alumni event.

He has two kids, 6 and 8. He does 50-50 and has a part time nanny. He separated from ex wife 2 years ago. I wasn’t the other woman. He’s not asked me to move in or help with childcare. We both work full time in busy professional jobs and own our own homes.
Thing is I reckon his kids are going to become a delicate topic between us, because they seem quite troubled.

One kid has autism and one has ADHD.
The two parents do not parent consistently. My BF’s approach is rules, structure, consequences, limited screen time and set bedtimes, although he’s not getting very far with implementing any of this easily. The ex wife apparently is very child-focused and empathic but does not use rules or consequences or apply much structure. Him and her do not speak constructively and only discuss child arrangements. It was I gather a very unpleasant divorce with lawyers and relatives egging on them on to both go for 100pc custody.

I’ve met the kids on Saturdays a few times now. One night I stayed over. I was very uncomfortable with how the kids behaved. Actually shocked. They fought constantly. They got a consequence of no screens for rest of the day for hitting. They then teamed up to slam doors and scream they wanted to go back to mum’s where there are ‘no stupid rules.’

Other behaviours I observed were: refusing to eat at the table, refusing to eat vegetables, demanding separate meals, refusing to do homework, refusing to turn off the TV/game, refusing to go out for a walk, refusing to have their baths and refusing to go to bed.

l like my partner and enjoy our time together.
But these children, omg. I asked him if it was my presence unsettling the children. He said no they are equal opportunity offenders. Like this most days.

I’m curious for opinions about what may be going on with them, what may have caused their behaviours and most important how long their behaviours might persist. Is this normal for kids of divorced parents who aren’t consistent? Or is it fairly standard for disrupted ASD/ADHD kids?

I don’t want to save or fix these kids, that would be codependent, or to blend families as from what I’ve read on here that very rarely works.

Shall I just pretend I think the kids are great but be busy when I’m invited to the home on BF’s contact days? And hope it gets sorted out? How can I provide a decent level of support without advising or getting sucked into any drama?

this Is almost impossible but essentially there is nothing you can do and it isn’t your place to do anything.

I would seriously be considering any potential future with this person, particularly due to the age of the kids, these issues are not going to go away in the next 10 years.

Much of their behaviour could just be down to crap patenting , I have a kid with additional needs but we still don’t allow a lot of the behaviours you describe. We keep our standards high for all the kids ( supporting them extra when needed) maybe they have used a diagnosis as an excuse?

regardless though, not your kids, not your problem.

I would run very far away from this as it's kits going to be a massive hassle.

For the sake of your own kids, this is a no-goer.

As a mum of 3 kids one with autism and ADHD I would not allow the behaviour you are describing. It's totally unacceptable and happening because it's being allowed. However kids with autism and ADHD rarely learn from consequences so reward strategies with positive reinforcement is better. They absolutely need structures, rules, boundaries etc as do all kids. Personally I would be backing of this is an absolute minefield especially the incosintent parenting methods.

Don't get too involved, op, keep it light. Even children who do not have any special needs can be difficult and there is no need for you to take this on.

@Headinablender

Shall I just pretend I think the kids are great but be busy when I’m invited to the home on BF’s contact days?

Why does he invite you when he has his contact days, rather than when they're with their mother?

In any case, it's likely that, the longer you have a relationship with him the more you'll see of his children, who already shock you and make you uncomfortable. I'm with the poster who said to run away from this relationship, because in the end you'll be doing more and more compromise, and putting your life on hold for an unsatisfactory relationship. 🌹

Depends what you want out of life.
Do you want a future/children? If so then walk away.
If you just want someone for fun times on his non parenting days then crack on.

I would just be honest with him and say you find being in the kids company challenging. By the sounds of it he knows they are a challenge.

We have vastly different rules in our house form my DHs ex but we have the opposite. We are the house with rules and boundaries but my 5yo DSD is very well behaved but acts up for her mum.

It's more important to have consistency with neurodivergent kids though. However, there's not much you can do about how the mum parents if they don't communicate well and I agree with how your BF parents. Kids should have rules and consequences.

Has he tried a rewards chart with them. The consequences are obviously not working so maybe positive reinforcement would be better. We had issues with my DSD eating her dinner for a while. She just wanted snacks and would cry most dinner times even though it was good she liked. We basically bribed her with an ice lolly. She didn't have to eat all of her dinner but if she was too full for dinner then she was too full for snacks and ice cream. The issue resolved fairly quickly and she's a good eater now.

We used reward charts to get her to do more things for herself in the morning. So she gets her own cereal, brushes her teeth and washed her face by herself, makes her bed and opens her curtains and gets dressed etc. We used the charts for 6 weeks before she was just in the habit of doing things.

It's actually refreshing to read a post where the dad is actually patenting and not just a Disney dad. It might not feel like it now but he's absolutely doing what's best for them and they will benefit from his patenting.

If there is inconsistent parenting of neurodivergent kids then the situation is unlikely to improve and is likely to get significantly worse.

If it's not amicable then they won't get to consistency.

Run.

I would run, very fast, in the opposite direction

Yep. Unless you actively want drama and stress in your life that is what you’ll do.

See him when they're not there. Or run. It sounds chaotic.

Oh god op just move on

You don't need this in your life

This ^^ If you’re looking for someone to go out when mutually convenient, that’ll work. If you’re interested in a LTR and potentially moving in together, it won’t.

One of my friends (single Mum of two) has been going out with her bf (single Dad of three, two challenging) for about nine years. They live separately- he’s proposed, but she said that she can only consider marriage when all the children are adults and living independently. If that doesn’t happen, I suppose they’ll carry on as they are. If you really care for each, OP, perhaps a similar setup might work.

Hi , two of my three children are autistic, and sadly , I would say this situation will only get more challenging. My dp and I have approached things differently in the past and it has caused stress . The other thing I would mention, is that it is possible that they will still be living at home at a much later age Than a neurotypical child , so that is another factor to consider. I really feel for you .

It's absolutely fine for you to have a relationship with someone and have zero involvement with their DC.

He has 50% of his week child-free, so see him on those days, live separately and (probably) holiday separately. If that works for you (in terms of what you want relationship-wise) stick with him.

If you want more time/commitment/a blended home, then you probably want to move on from this as you've got over a decade before these kids will be leaving home.

I feel for this guy as he seems really nice, but I wouldn't get involved in a relationship with him.

Why are he and his ex unable to come to any kind of agreement? It sounds as though parenting classes should be taken by both of them together.

Yes I think I'll be honest with him and say I love to hang out when we're kid free but also I wish him luck with his own kids but won't plan on 'family' time together. As you say, he already knows kids are challenging and need straightening out and I think me being around more would lead me to say something accidentally judgey and make him feel shame. He has a big job managing lots of people in his own business. I'm sure he can work it out.

I think the main reason for the divorce was that they couldn't agree how to parent these ND kids. Sad isn't it. Especially for the children. But I don't see how me giving helpful suggestions will help at all. I mean I could march in there and be like right, reward chart, visual timetables, incentives....may possibly polarise the parents further.

This makes sense to me, thank you.
BF has a nanny and his mum helps a lot.
I'm often busy with my kid who has a lot of hobbies and playdates.
We can enjoy our free time together.

Yes, I definitely see one of these kids living at home as a young adult. Its a good point and worth thinking about. The kid has an EHCP and these go up to 25, don't they, because ASD kids who get them can't be expected to live independently always from 18.

This.

You friend sounds smart. This is a great framework to consider for my relationship if it continues. I really just don't think children who are troubled, ND, from high conflict divorces would actually want a new mother figure in their lives pseudo-parenting or dragging them into a third home with a third set of rules.

I think if you approach it in a nice way he will probably be grateful for the advice.

"Please feel free to tell me to mind my own business but when my SS did bla bla what really worked for him was doing this. I know all kids are different but maybe worth a try?"

@Headinablender , that’s correct , my 18 year old for example wants to live at home while he goes to uni .