Dating a single dad with challenging kids

[Headinablender]

I’m a single mum who wasn’t looking for a relationship but six months ago I got together with a really kind, funny and generous man. We knew each other at uni and met up again at an alumni event.

He has two kids, 6 and 8. He does 50-50 and has a part time nanny. He separated from ex wife 2 years ago. I wasn’t the other woman. He’s not asked me to move in or help with childcare. We both work full time in busy professional jobs and own our own homes.
Thing is I reckon his kids are going to become a delicate topic between us, because they seem quite troubled.

One kid has autism and one has ADHD.
The two parents do not parent consistently. My BF’s approach is rules, structure, consequences, limited screen time and set bedtimes, although he’s not getting very far with implementing any of this easily. The ex wife apparently is very child-focused and empathic but does not use rules or consequences or apply much structure. Him and her do not speak constructively and only discuss child arrangements. It was I gather a very unpleasant divorce with lawyers and relatives egging on them on to both go for 100pc custody.

I’ve met the kids on Saturdays a few times now. One night I stayed over. I was very uncomfortable with how the kids behaved. Actually shocked. They fought constantly. They got a consequence of no screens for rest of the day for hitting. They then teamed up to slam doors and scream they wanted to go back to mum’s where there are ‘no stupid rules.’

Other behaviours I observed were: refusing to eat at the table, refusing to eat vegetables, demanding separate meals, refusing to do homework, refusing to turn off the TV/game, refusing to go out for a walk, refusing to have their baths and refusing to go to bed.

l like my partner and enjoy our time together.
But these children, omg. I asked him if it was my presence unsettling the children. He said no they are equal opportunity offenders. Like this most days.

I’m curious for opinions about what may be going on with them, what may have caused their behaviours and most important how long their behaviours might persist. Is this normal for kids of divorced parents who aren’t consistent? Or is it fairly standard for disrupted ASD/ADHD kids?

I don’t want to save or fix these kids, that would be codependent, or to blend families as from what I’ve read on here that very rarely works.

Shall I just pretend I think the kids are great but be busy when I’m invited to the home on BF’s contact days? And hope it gets sorted out? How can I provide a decent level of support without advising or getting sucked into any drama?

No more kids on my horizon (I'm 49!) and my future is my own.
If I was 32 this would feel very, very different, I'm sure.

I have a dd now 13 who is autistic
I think it was about 18 months before he met my dc !
Told him he was dating me not my dc but I know that's a bit harsh
Also asked my dc permission before he ever came into the house
until we all lived together .
Happily married and now adored step father
My point is it sounds like those dc have a lot to handle so why is he involving you when he has free time without them ?
Enjoying the dating time really because once dc are involved it's a lot more serious.
What I'd give now for an afternoon of just us / bed and a Disney film !

@Headinablender Hell No.
The last thing these kids will want is another “mother” type figure in their lives.
Even very well adjusted children almost always detest a new father/mother figure .

Run for the hills.
Unless his ex gets 💯 percent custody- unlikely- it’s going to be a fraught situation.

I don't think I'll run for the hills but I will continue living in a different postcode :)

Very wise!
Also your own children will be much happier this way 👍🙂

Yes. Nice dinners and child-free weekends away I think.
I'm too old for anything else. Maybe BF will eventually find someone new who wants to muck in with the kids, but it feels to me rn that being asked to do a blend would be a dealbreaker. I'll definitely always be kind and polite when I see the kids at events (I'm sure we'll go to family weddings together and such) but I don't want to be anyone else's mum.

I think you need to be honest with him that your relationship will only progress so far because you don’t see yourself being able to blend families, live together given the situation with the children. If he and you are happy then I would proceed to just see him when he isn’t with the kids. That will only work though if both of you are happy with that. If one is expecting marriage and living together in the next couple of years it would be a disaster.

As an aside. How much time does he actually have with the kids. He has then 50% works F/T, has a nanny and his mum helps out. So how often are the kids actually in his care per week.

Given the kids have ADHD/ASD I wouldn’t be surprised if the multiple environments and carer is a really difficult for them.

Put simply - this will be your life for the rest of your life - so the question boils down to - how much do you really like this guy and is he worth it? And do you want kids yourself?

Only you can answer that.

Hi

I am the single parent with the two challenging kids (late teens now).

I did not date for a number of years and I would never bring a partner into their homes/lives. When they were smaller, I only dated when they were with their Dad/elsewhere and they never got a sniff of any boyfriend. I kept things completely separate.

Now they are older, boyfriend is in the house at the same time as them, however we don't do family time together or anything and I don't change their routines when he is there.

Quite often dp and other people have advice and opinions on how I should do things differently. I do give consideration to what they say. Due to the ages of my children, a lot of things have been suggested and tried before. I would appreciate someone to listen and support me rather than judge/give beginner's advice on my children.

I accept that my family circumstances rule out the traditional type of relationship. I think that would be the most important thing to bear in mind if you are considering progressing your relationship with him.

I don't see a future with him.

Why put yourself through the stress these kids will bring? If they're off the rails now, imagine when they're teens. Even if you keep yourselves totally separate, they will indirectly impact you by having a direct impact on him.

If this is a recent split and/or he has only just started being more rules-based then they may come to appreciate the structure at his house.
Especially with ASD, knowing what to expect is crucial (my DS has ADHD and is also very much in need of consistency. I find that if we are all together - he will go to DH who is slightly more flexible/less rule bound but once he's worked out he only has me to run to, he will go along with my rules, though we are a partnership so unless he is very sneaky he can't play us off against each other).

Yes this sounds sensible.

Date him, enjoy yourself, don't marry or live with him.

Just have some fun dating! You are allowed to have fun!

@oakleaffy Yes, that’s exactly why my friend has maintained a separate household. Her own children have been her priority and it’s worked out well. Luckily her ex is a decent Dad too so they’ve been well co-parented.

Haven’t read full thread but I’m coming out of a situation where I was in a relationship with a man who has very challenging children. It’s been a nightmare for me and I honestly wish someone could have told me at the beginning to just run and don’t look back.

My mental health has suffered massively and it was just chaotic in general. I would advise to steer clear.

ND kids absolutely do need boundaries and consistency but sometimes they look different to typical approaches to discipline and actually what can be hardest is letting go of your own expectations of what discipline and consequences are and adapting to your child’s needs. I’m not suggesting either your partner or his mum are doing it right or wrong just that I know from experience people who have not parented ND kids can make very well meaning suggestions which sound great on paper but are not effective strategies for ND needs. I think you are right to keep your distance from it and I would also be disinclined to offer advice unless asked - when you parent ND kids and engage with other services too, you can get swamped with advice and opinions and sometimes someone just listening is helpful. Definitely don’t move in with him!

You sound really sensible OP. But I don't think it's right to 'pretend to be busy' on contact weekends. I think you should be upfront fairly early on that you're happy to continue a relationship with him but you don't see yourself blending and you'd would rather not get too involved with his DC.

This.

Any change in living arrangements would be 100% detrimental to your own children.

The teen years are ahead of him and can be very challenging for some ND children.

This is my experience. If I were you OP I would run. I have PM’ed you. I have a challenging DSS who has been totally indulged and parented ineffectively and he now presents as a huge risk to those around him. It is utterly miserable and I wouldn’t recommend this life to anyone. I have watched it in slow mo for nearly a decade.

Me too. I have developed anxiety and depression as a direct result.

Date him on your own terms.
Don't move in. Don't spend time with him when he has the kids if you don't want to.
I'm a couple of years older than you and would not want to take on kids of this age, regardless.

Yes agree. The problem here seems to be that while my DP does do a lot of rewards and structure they unravel when the kids go back to mum, who appears highly permissive. The children say they have no rules at mum’s and can do whatever they want whenever they want, including playing on electronic devices while eating dinner and in bed. Sigh. The kids said to me once they count the days until they can go back to mums as they get everything they want there (and of course they don’t know what they need). I see some competitive parenting on both sides. The more DP does his rules and structure and reward charts the more permissive and ‘fun’ mum is likely to be. And from what I’ve read here ND kids need consistency more than anything else. I have an ex and we are like colleagues. We don’t like each other loads but we are on the same team. We talk most days about how to approach challenges and agree. My child has thrived from this. I am trying hard to not be judgmental but the way to stay objective and supportive to my DP, if he can accept this, will be not to get too involved. ‘Don’t give advice unless asked’ is a maxim I live by.

I think the carer is quite good as she and DP agree rules and structure and she is trained to deal with ASD behaviours without getting emotional.

If you enjoy your time together without them around then that’s fine and potentially workable but it doesn’t sound like blending the families would
ever be viable.

I just couldn’t take on the responsibility of becoming a stepmum in this kind of situation. I feel for the children, but it’s not your business.

i def know people who only see their dp when the dps kids are not there so it’s not impossible. But obviously living together is not a prospect.

I would stay right out of this.

If you are looking for a relationship that leads to cohabitation before the kids have flown the nest this is not for you (or anyone, I suspect). If you want an ‘adult to adult’ with your own homes until you are both free of family, great!

The kids have enough adults in their lives managing them, mum, dad, nanny. Their Mum will never agree a parenting approach with your Dp, (I wonder if the pressure of high needs kids + different parenting style contributed to the break up?), I honestly don’t see how you sticking your oar in will help.

Well unless the OP has actually parented ND kids, I think he's more likely to be offended by this than interested in her opinions.