step parenting after death

[notforthelonghaul]

Last year my ex passed away. My child has had an excellent relationship with their stepparent and that has continued. I did not see the point in my child losing two important people in their life, so we maintained the childcare schedule. Now that time has passed the stepparent still wants to be actively involved and responsible for all aspects of my child's life. I am ready to start de-escalating their relationship but am unsure how to go about it. They are still grieving and I don't want to cause more pain, but I do not want to raise my child with this person for the rest of my life. For context, my child has SN and will need lifelong care. All advice and perspectives are welcome, even if you don't agree.

If your child needs lifelong care, surely another loving adult in their lives is good! Work as a team to give your dc the best life you can, her help may be invaluable

How old is your child, and how long have they known this person?
How involved is she in your child's care, and do you find it helpful?
Perhaps while she is still grieving she is finding the familiarity of still caring for them a comfort?
Sorry, that is a lot of questions, but just trying to get the bigger picture.

I agree with gotomomo - and honestly it isn’t about you, how does your child feel?

I don't think it's really about you, it's about what's best for your child. I think if they have a strong bond with their step-parent it would be cruel to stop contact with them.

How long have they been in their life? How often do they see them? How involved were they?

I'm a stepmum and am heavily involved in my DSDs life. My biggest fear is losing her dad then losing contact with her. She's like my own own child and we're extremely close. I'd be utterly devastated and so would she be if we weren't to see each other again.

Everything @gotomomo and @Laurdo have said. Your child needs the love and stability of both adults/ parents.

The more people that love and support your child the better

I kind of disagree with the mentality that it "isn't about you", at least in regards to the idea of coparenting with her forever. Parents do still have the right to decide whether to coparent with somebody else, my DD might like the idea of me coparenting with her nana for example but it is my decision whether I want to do that/think it's best.

That said, in your position it does sound like the help would be a positive thing. I would just assert that you are the "parent", if the issue is them trying to make parenting decisions you don't agree with, but be open to them seeing them/helping out if they want to.

I think the comments on here have been far nicer than I would have been tbh.

Your essentially saying now your dads dead sorry I don't want the hassle of maintaining or facilitating the relationship your own child has with their step parent 😵‍💫

The step parent and child are clearly close and this step parent is still v present despite the SEN, and probably feels like she's honouring her spouses wishes re the child.

What your suggesting benefits only you and negatively will impact your child.

Mind blown 😵‍💫

I would not want to co-parent with her either. Is there a middle ground where she takes on the role of friendly auntie rather than parent? I agree that removing her from your child's life might not be the best thing but I would draw the line at any parent-type role too.

I REALLY don’t think you can just remove this person from your child’s life.
It really does need to be about what is best for him.
He has lost his father, Taking away yet another loving adult does not seem like a kind thing to do.
I can see that this is a complex situation that is not ideal from your perspective but you are where you are.
I think you need to find a way to come to terms with her place in his life and work with her.

I would feel the same op

Who does your child live with?

This isn't about you, or even them. It's about your child. How special is their bond, do they want to continue seeing this person? How will they be if you remove them for their lives? If you handle this badly, they'll be a lot of resentment in time to come.

I can imagine it must be difficult to co-parent but I agree with others that if this is a positive relationship then I don't see why that can't continue.

If the child wants the relationship then let them have this. This is also a link to their other parent and will be another loss for them.

We really need to know more to advise though.

I'm asking because I'm sure I've read this story on Mumsnet before, but from the perspective of the SM...

Id feel the same Op. co-parenting with the actual other parent can be tricky enough sometimes without you feeling like you have to consider someone who isn't the other parent and their needs. I'd reduce gradually and hope for them to have occasional contact.

As long as they aren’t trying to parent or interfere this benefits you both. You might not see this clearly just now but as long as DC wants to continue you should.
It sounds like you need to be very clear how the relationship will work.

Op, you've said you want to 'de-escalate' the relationship and you don't want to raise your child with this person.

You've not actually said you want to remove them from the SP's life.

Do you feel able to facilitate some kind of contact?

I do think you are right to consider the longer term.

How old is your child? Did your ex and their partner have children together? How long has the step parent been around? Do you get on? I think all of that is relevant tbh.

I'm wondering whether the step parent did the bulk of the parenting, and not your ex?

Help with a SN dc? Sounds a bonus to me.

As the parent you have the veto but the more loving adults in a child's life, the better.

It will also be better for you. If your child will need lifelong care you will need lifelong support, if not respite.

Think of this person as an auntie-figure. Her involvement won't seem the same and may be easier to accommodate.

“Now that time has passed the stepparent still wants to be actively involved and responsible for all aspects of my child's life.”

That’s the sentence that jumped out at me. Is the step parent still wanting to make (important) decisions regarding dc’s life? I can understand that now want to take autonomy over dc’s life, and not wanting her input.

However, as others have said, she could continue in an aunty role - regular sleep overs, days-outs etc.

Naybe the step-parent is wanting to continue the involvement as a link to her husband. But a year on, I can understand why you want to move on. Has she got any other children?

Yanbu. I understand why you don’t want to “co parent” with the stepparent forever. And I also understand why you don’t want a contact schedule. I wouldn’t like that sort of restrictive dynamic at all when the person isn’t my child’s actual parent.

You are the parent, and you should be able to build your life and get on with it without having to factor in the thoughts, feelings, opinions, input etc of your child’s stepparent.

It's hard to know from one short op, but it sounds like you have used the step parent while you needed them and are ready to drop them now you don't.

Ask yourself if this is really in your child's best interest.