step parenting after death

[notforthelonghaul]

Last year my ex passed away. My child has had an excellent relationship with their stepparent and that has continued. I did not see the point in my child losing two important people in their life, so we maintained the childcare schedule. Now that time has passed the stepparent still wants to be actively involved and responsible for all aspects of my child's life. I am ready to start de-escalating their relationship but am unsure how to go about it. They are still grieving and I don't want to cause more pain, but I do not want to raise my child with this person for the rest of my life. For context, my child has SN and will need lifelong care. All advice and perspectives are welcome, even if you don't agree.

Thanks to everyone who has offered their opinions. To be clear I never would want to end the relationship between them. I think I'm looking to establish new boundaries in the future and am searching for clear and compassionate language to do so. 'Auntie' is a good way of putting it. I feel for them. To have lost so much already. I'm not in this to hurt anyone. I'm not even planning on discussing it until next year because I believe grieving takes a lifetime and I know that having my child with them has helped them have routine and connection. I hope they are able to always have a relationship. But I know I am also not comfortable with the idea of sharing future medical, educational, etc. decisions with them and I want to be a full-time parent.
I've never used this platform before and have found this to be a good way to practice working through complicated feelings. Thanks again for everyone's input!

That's good to know you're not planning on cutting them off completely. I absolutely agree with you though, that although they can be in their life they shouldn't be making important life decisions, just like an auntie or grandparent wouldn't.

Ah yes cheapo childcare. What's not to like.

what a vile attitude on here. Totally lacking in compassion for a poor woman who's lost her DH and a child who is without their father.

I'm staggered by the dehumanising mean-spirited attitude of some people, incapable of empathising.

There’s no way I could do this to my child. Your child will be have a bond with her & honestly, I don’t mean to be harsh at all but she’s already lost 1 important adult, I wouldn’t take another away. I would be glad of it & encourage it.

How much time does your DC spend there? Are there children in the other home and if so are they half siblings? Why does the step-mum have a say in medical decisions etc, did she get PR or something before your ex died?

I'm just trying to work out how big a deal this really is, is your DC there 50/50 for example? Or every other weekend? Or...?

OP, I think your boundaries are correct. Your ex may have chosen to share his co-parenting with your child's stepmum and involved her in the less fun bits of parenting like schooling, medical decisions and so on, but that doesn't mean you are obliged to maintain that level of involvement.

It sounds like you want her to continue an auntie/godmother type position in your DC's life where she and and your DC continue her wonderful relationship. You don't need anyone else's permission, but that's ok if that's what works for you and your child.

I agree on the fact you don’t want her making decisions for your child. How often does your DC spend at hers?

This is actually something my husband and I have spoken about at length and also included in our Will. It may be different in the UK, but in Ireland if anything were to happen to my husband (if he were comotosed, passed away or was mentally incapable of decision making) then I become my stepchilds second guardian. My stepchilds mother would need to take me to court to try to change this. Whilst this seemed very obvious for us to do as I've been in my stepchilds life for pretty much all of it, certainly all that he can remember, I also sat my husband down at the time and explained if anything happened SS mother his stepfather would probably have the same clause. And whilst we don't particularly get along (we just stay out of each others way really), I did suggest that it would still be good for my stepson to have his stepdad in his life just like me. There will come a point where he might choose to see less of us, and that's understandable. But in terms of decision making, it's really important that I am able to have a voice in my stepson care because my husbands wishes are often very different to hers.

I agree that they don't need to be a co parent but now assume the role of a close aunty. Still maintain contact, go for the day, stay over night sometimes, invite to birthday parties and school concerts etc. Your child needs them in their life. Don't shut them off

I wonder if you even need a discussion about it @notforthelonghaul - if, for example, a medical issue comes up, just deal with it on your own. If SP asks why you didn't consult them, explain that you didn't feel the need to do that because you're your DC's only parent. If they don't have PR they don't have the right to medical info etc so maybe just start gradually siphoning off information that you share? A slow fade, in respect of that, whilst maintaining contact etc?

what a vile attitude on here. Totally lacking in compassion for a poor woman who's lost her DH and a child who is without their father.

I'm staggered by the dehumanising mean-spirited attitude of some people, incapable of empathising.

Oh come on. OP has had plenty of compassion and she isn’t mean spirited at all. She’s kept things going for a year now, but now she feels that things would be better being scaled back. A full on contact schedule and co parenting dynamic just isn’t necessary, and it’s probably not the dynamic that works for OP anymore as the only remaining parent.

She’s not said anything about stopping contact between the stepmum and her child. She’s trying to figure out how to sensitively change the arrangements which don’t work for her anymore.

It’s not about being mean spirited. Life changes and moves on over time, and what worked a year ago might have to change. And if this was the stepmum who wanted to change the arrangements, I would support her too. You never know, she might be feeling the same way but is too worried to say anything.

I do think at the very least, there should be a conversation about where things are going. What it OP or the stepmum wants to move area but they feel like they can’t because they feel tied to this contact arrangement they have in place? Or what if OP wants her child all to herself and is missing out on time with her because she works and then weekends are her only opportunity to see her child? What if the stepmum can’t afford to have the child so often anymore?

Sometimes boundaries are needed.

Are you sure the step parent isn't doing this out of a sense of obligation and guilt rather than actually wanting to have so much responsibility for a child that isn't hers? She might be well be finding the schedule too much but feel like you would struggle to have the child more, especially as they have additional needs and SN.

I think that it is time to sit down with her and clarify how you both envisage the future. There is a middle ground between a strict schedule and her making decisions and cutting her out. I would be very careful in how you phrase this though as I think you may regret "de-escalation" if faced with the reality of raising a high needs child completely alone.

Yanbu.

Is this other woman nice to your child? Sensible and won’t harm your child? The child likes them? They bring something positive to the child’s life? Good for him/her?

If so I would suggest you continue with things the way they are for at least a year before you make any changes. It’s too soon just now. All of you are still processing things. Stability is good just now.

What’s best for dc is best for you. After a year you may find visits decrease by themselves etc. and nothing needs said.

And god forgive me but if you get run over by a bus tomorrow this person would be a positive force for your dc until you got out of hospital? We all think we’re invincible but we aren’t and a stabile person, even if an irritant to you, could be just what you need for your child who would otherwise be in the care system with strangers?

I thought this, though thought a bit badly of myself for thinking it. The step parent adores this child who is severely disabled enough to need lifelong care. You never know what’s around the corner, and that’s a hell of a bridge to burn for both the op and her child for the future

There’s got to be a happy medium. As someone with no help, not even as so much as a reliable babysitter I would love to have an adult in my child’s life who I know I could trust and that loved them. But equally I can understand how big decisions come down to you and only you.

but I do not want to raise my child with this person for the rest of my life.

You don't have to.

Let them know you'll be reducing to X days a week or pnce a fortnight or once a month from next year.

You're the parent and you can decide what to do.

It makes me laugh when people say it's not about you, it's about the child, yet when something a child wants feels uncomfortable for a SP...it's not about what the child wants.

It sounds to me like phasing and reducing the contact will be best in the long run. She is not your coparent.

I think you are being very silly - and selfish. Your child has a bond with another adult, it doesn't matter how it came about, if they both want it to continue, why not?

I am in my 60s, my parents both died decades ago, my step mother is still one of my closest friends and grandmother to my children

Have you read the thread? The op does not want to cut ties with with this lady, and wants her child to continue a relationship with her. It’s also a year since her ex has passed away, and she hasn’t changed anything yet.

However, going forward, op feels that she wants to be the parent for the dc, and be responsible for any medical or educational decesions herself, without having to discuss it first.

OP you sound very thoughtful. You're not being unreasonable to want to scale back contact and be the decision maker. Good luck with the conversation.

Why don't you talk to this person. It seems that having a second adult in this for the long term is beneficial. You need a break sometimes. Your dd needs other people in their life who love them.

I don't see why you won't get to make education or medical decisions.

The OP wants the step parent to carry on seeing the child, she just doesn’t want to defer to her about medical and educational things. Totally reasonable

well, yes, then, in that case, completely reasonable - I understood they wanted to end the relationship