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Step-parenting

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Original poster

27 year old stepson

80 replies

Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 17:53

My 27 stepson lives with us (since aged 16) and works Mon-Friday 9-5 but spends every evening and all weekends sat in living room with us night after night, has got no life outside of work and it’s driving me insane. I have 2 older children and they never sat in room with us if they were in, they always went to their rooms - their choice. I can’t go on like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:22

Wheredoyougo1 - that was my teens and my children’s teens. I wouldn’t want to sit in living room with my parents now, maybe Christmas but that’s it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:28

MeridianB yes he says that but he’s just trying to end the conversation as he doesn’t know how to handle the conversation with his son. He honestly wouldn’t want me to leave and I wouldn’t demand he choose because that’s not fair
on any of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:32

HamBone - he is saving for a deposit but is not looking for available properties or any properties. I do think a lot of him, he’s a nice man and I wouldn’t want him struggling financially and not being able to
”go out” but he doesn’t anyway 🤷‍♀️.

OP posts:
ACGTHelix · 28/10/2023 22:34

Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:12

ACDTHelix - yeah cave is lush but not as comfy as living room

a social experiment eg for a week etc and see if you get your "peace" ?

Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:42

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Original poster
Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:46

Arseinthecoopwindow - he does have about 3 friends but they all have girlfriends. Mine and all my friends kids were/are never in or on their Xboxes or teles in their rooms. Once/twice a week but not every night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:47

Floofydawg - who knows but he’s not showing any signs of being independent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:52

dammit88 - no he’s not depressed, quite happy.

OP posts:
readingmakesmehappy · 28/10/2023 22:55

He absolutely should move out and start living independently. But do you have any hobbies that get you out in the evenings? I think you need a yoga class, a choir, a history group, the WI - anything to ensure you have some variety. Then you might not mind the sitting in so much

TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 22:57

I would change the man cave into my hobby room with a lock on it.

TooBusyLiving · 28/10/2023 23:00

Lots of adults are at home at that age now. He’s saving for a deposit.

At the moment, it’s his home. The living room is an area for everyone to use so he should be able to use it. As for picking at what he eats and drinks, is he contributing to the food bill? If so, leave him alone. If not, change that.

You keep comparing him to your children, he’s a different person. Not everyone wants to sit in their room alone gaming or is a social butterfly.

If someone picked at my kids like you are, you would be the one to leave.

OhcantthInkofaname · 28/10/2023 23:42

Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 17:53

My 27 stepson lives with us (since aged 16) and works Mon-Friday 9-5 but spends every evening and all weekends sat in living room with us night after night, has got no life outside of work and it’s driving me insane. I have 2 older children and they never sat in room with us if they were in, they always went to their rooms - their choice. I can’t go on like this

You have a man cave. You need a woman cave with a door and a lock. Only you, friends, and hubby are allowed past the threshold.

ShittyGlitter · 29/10/2023 06:10

It sounds like you don't like him very much or that because he's outstayed his welcome you're now resentful.

Your DH doesn't seem to mind him being around. Maybe he likes the company.

I think unless you kick up a big stink DSS won't be going anywhere. If you put it very firmly to DSS that it was time to move on and have a deadline, would your DH fight DSS's corner?

I wonder if DH is afraid of confrontation, he might just stand by if you had it out with DSS.

What are you watching on tv in the evenings? Is DSS controlling that or is he happy to sit there watching whatever?

BeadedBubbles · 29/10/2023 06:19

TooBusyLiving · 28/10/2023 23:00

Lots of adults are at home at that age now. He’s saving for a deposit.

At the moment, it’s his home. The living room is an area for everyone to use so he should be able to use it. As for picking at what he eats and drinks, is he contributing to the food bill? If so, leave him alone. If not, change that.

You keep comparing him to your children, he’s a different person. Not everyone wants to sit in their room alone gaming or is a social butterfly.

If someone picked at my kids like you are, you would be the one to leave.

Totally agree with this.

RedHelenB · 29/10/2023 06:21

Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 20:24

His 2 or 3 friends have girlfriends so they are always with them. He doesn’t drive either, got no interest in driving. I never sat with my parents and my 2 never sat with us. Was either out or in my bedroom and we didn’t have phones nor teles in our bedrooms in my day, just a record player lol

My children once out of teenager stage sat in the living room with me when they were home on an evening. I think you not expecting him to is a bit weird. However, I wouldn't expect him to be in every night.

BeadedBubbles · 29/10/2023 06:22

Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:11

Loubelle70 - no I don’t want to go out with my 27 year old stepson, I wouldn’t want to go out with my son or daughter unless for a birthday, c’mon we’ve done that when they were kids

You wouldn't want to go out with your own kids unless for a birthday? That's very odd.

Riverlee · 29/10/2023 06:28

Can you turn the man cave into a second lounge?

Or what happens if you go there with dh? Does he follow you there?

Have you had conversations about his future? Christmas is coming up. Driving lessons maybe? Or golf lessons? Or anything to kickstart his life.

On the plus side, he’s not a weed-taking, gaming, cock lodger.

lwishyouwould · 29/10/2023 06:54

Bugbear27 · 28/10/2023 22:11

Loubelle70 - no I don’t want to go out with my 27 year old stepson, I wouldn’t want to go out with my son or daughter unless for a birthday, c’mon we’ve done that when they were kids

Really, never? You wouldn't go for a meal or see a film with your kids? I wonder whether that's indicating that you can't understand your husband and step son wanting to spend time with each other because you don't have that relationship with your kids?

I agree that 7 nights a week is a bit much but you and your husband aren't captive in the living room, you could go to another room in the house couldn't you?

I do get what you're saying to a point but if your husband doesn't agree then I think you're stuffed because he's not going to tell him and if you do, he'll blame you for any fallout.

Loubelle70 · 29/10/2023 07:40

I go out with my daughter..shopping, fun times, with and without DGC. I was thinking if you took him out spend time with him, you could bring it up?. Tbh stepson or maternal son...id treat them the same, oc id spend time with them outside the home, its building relations and closeness, therefore more willing to listen with respect?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/10/2023 09:14

If my ds 29 lived at home, I’d kind of like to spend evenings with him. He makes me cry with laughter.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 29/10/2023 09:56

Could you start small and say that you just want a home-based “date night” once a week where DH prepares you a nice meal followed by a movie of your choice - doesn’t have to be exactly that of course but basically anything that can be explained as a timetabled couply “activity” as opposed to “for goodness sake DSS let us have some space as a couple sometimes you emotionally unintelligent limpet!”

It’s unacceptable that your DH refuses to agree to any evening/weekend downtime for you to enjoy as a couple - there’s a middle ground between never having any gooseberry-free time together and throwing DSS out.

Webex · 30/10/2023 12:53

OP, could you perhaps let us know if your children ever sat with you in the evenings?

user1492757084 · 14/11/2023 05:16

Ask your DH to make a pact with his son (a christmas gift even) that he will teach him to drive. Insist that he needs to learn to drive.

Husband can take him out driving and after a few months the son will need to have driving lessons with an instructor.
That will be a free evening for you.
Once he has his own car he will want to go out or you could ask him to do the family food shop etc like most adult flat mates.
The boy needs pressure to be more independent.

EtiennePalmiere · 14/11/2023 05:36

To be honest, it's a little unusual to only want to go out to dinner with your own children or sit in the living room with your own parents more than once a year.

Then your husband is the opposite, fine with spending an extreme amount of time with family. I think your best bet is making the man cave your own space and going out yourself some evenings to activities etc.

EtiennePalmiere · 14/11/2023 05:42

Webex · 30/10/2023 12:53

OP, could you perhaps let us know if your children ever sat with you in the evenings?

😂😂They might have liked to but didn't feel welcome !