Leaving partner over step child

[Souldispenser]

I’ve posted about some of this before about a year ago and had some kind helpful replies, so I’m hoping with this new information I could gain some more support..
Back story is that my partner has a dd from previous relationship, he has her 50/50 now, it was 25/75 when we began dating but he pushed for more time earlier this year and won. I built a good bond with her myself. Her family didn’t approve of him moving on and having a partner so they made things difficult for us in the background. They refused for her to visit my house or to sleepover even when my partner eventually moved in. Due to this he had to take her on a long trip to stay with relatives or book a hotel. Now she is allowed to stay, I find I don’t actually want her to for many reasons I won’t go into.
The situation has slowly but surely caused a lot of resentment on my part now that we have a baby together. I coped fine with the situation beforehand and enjoyed our weekends together, albeit when she would have to sleep elsewhere and come back the following morning. When she does stay here she is like a different child and I know this is an awful thing to say about anyone, but she is unbearable and I despise her behaviour and personality the more time I spend with her. My partner will not hear a bad word about her so it doesn’t get addressed. The situation has become mini wife syndrome as she knows she is favourite and it shows. She is her mother’s daughter. Very outing, but he didn’t even punish her when she stabbed my hand with a fork over me telling her I won’t sleep on the couch so she could share my bed with her dad.
I’m now seeing him in a different light and considering ending our relationship. I don’t want his dd sleeping at the house anymore, I know she needs to spend time with her dad and sibling, I’d never stop that or make him chose, but for me personally I wish I never had to see her again and find myself making excuses to not be around when she is due to arrive.
What bothers me is that I will have no knowledge or say during his custody time with our baby. I trust him but I don’t trust his family or dd (she’s very heavy handed and rough with baby so needs constant supervision). The thought of not being there to keep my baby safe makes me want to keep up a charade of being happy in love until he’s at an age I feel more comfortable with. Sharing custody at all the special days like birthdays and Christmas brings a tear to my eye. I know this is my own doing, I knew he had a child blah blah But I didn’t envisage that I would feel like this when I became a mum. In fact I’m shocked and upset by it because as a mum I know how important it is for a child to feel wanted and loved, I wasn’t as a child and I’m disgusted I’m now in the position to feel towards a child how I was at her age. I would prefer to love her like my own and be a happy family, I don’t want to feel like this, but it’s been constant for 8 months. All I feel is resentment when she visits, anger when he sees her and spoils her, and jealousy on behalf of my baby when ignored in favour of her. I know the issue is with the adults involved and not dd specifically, she’s an innocent child and I’m a bad person for resenting that time she needs with her dad. He will be having her for the whole week of Christmas this year, he plans to stay with his parents which means he won’t see our baby on the first Christmas. I had no say in this and he didn’t discuss plans with me. I’m expected to accept any situation and it seems he’d prefer to see his dd over our baby. I’ve had enough of being bottom of the list.
So my question is, for those who left their partner over the step child, did you regret it or did you see it as the best choice you made? How did you manage afterwards if you also have children together? I don’t want to make a mistake but ultimately since my baby was born I can’t stand being around his dd and it’s not fair on anyone as the resentment will surely grow. I’m not a bad person, I just can’t cope with the custody arrangements as well as I thought I would.

Big hugs. What a difficult situation.

I had some awful times when my DSD was really manipulating my husband and I was terrified we wouldn’t work it out. She even taunted me that she would tell my OH (her Dad) to divorce me and then I wouldn’t be able to protect my son from her when ‘they’ had custody. OH couldn’t believe any of this about her. He thought butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. She was like Jekyll and Hyde.

As you say, it’s not DSD’s fault. She’s responding to the environment she is in and the boundaries set for her.

I got counselling to support me through what I thought was likely to be me ending the marriage. In the end, I found counselling helped me setting much stronger boundaries with OH and DSD. It took a few years but it is much better now and I feel much more respected and able to shape my own and our son’s environment.

I know counselling isn’t for everyone but it helped massively for me.

I hope you find great support and a solution. It must be incredibly stressful right now.

Thank you, it’s a relief to hear others understand from my point of view without automatically seeing me as a cruel person. I’m glad counselling worked for you, I’ll look into it over the weekend.
She’ll always be in our lives so I need to get over it and find a way to make these feelings stop or walk away, it’s just so hard deciding which is best.

Very outing, but he didn’t even punish her when she stabbed my hand with a fork over me telling her I won’t sleep on the couch so she could share my bed with her dad.
This is so out of order, what kind of person does he think he's raising?
You've to go on the couch for her to sleep in your bed?? then stabs your hand? jesus wept!!
What age is this horror?
I'd leave and limit access if your baby, I wouldn't leave the baby alone with his DD

If it makes you feel less guilty to reframe this as you're not considering ending it because of your dsd but because of your partner who refuses to parent his child properly then do so because that's the situation.

As a pp said, counselling will help you sort through your thoughts and feelings.

This is exactly the advice I’d give you. You need to reframe this as you are leaving him because he’s an ineffective parent who ignores your needs and allows his daughter to treat you with contempt.

If he were a better partner and parent, you wouldn’t be dreading his daughter staying. It’s so easy to blame yourself in these situations. And easy to focus on the child’s problem behaviour rather than the problem: their father’s choices and attitudes.

I left my STBXH because he allowed his children’s behaviour to become utterly intolerable and they all treated me with outright contempt (to the point of abuse). He repeatedly let me down - especially when it mattered. I left him because he is a terrible husband. And a terrible father.

This is the girl who licks her dad isn't it?

You are well off out of there.

She’s a child and you’re an adult. She may be difficult and all the things you say but to resent and dislike a child is cruel. She hasn’t chosen any of the situation and no doubt is struggling with it/ you/ new baby.

try imagining that you do walk away and your partner finds a new girlfriend, and she describes your child the way you do in that post. How would you want her to behave towards your child?

Has this terrible behaviour started since DSD’s dad ‘pushed for 50/50 and won’? Did anyone ask the DSD what she wanted? How old is the baby? Did DSD have to come 50/50 and then baby arrive? Did anyone actually consider what was in the child’s best interests here?

All that said, your husband should not have pushed for 50/50 and then not be parenting her properly and having this situation go on. It sounds like 25/75 as she was used to would have been better to continue. However, no child should be stabbing anyone with a fork. No father of a new baby should be off for a week over Christmas, unless it is an unavoidable emergency. No doubt his parents will do most of the care.

The issue here is why your husband pushed for 50/50 when he is not willing to parent. And now there is a child who is struggling to cope. How old is she?

This really isn’t fair or helpful.

The problem here is a partner who lets his child stab the OP with a fork (for example). Of course she dislikes the child and resents the situation.

Yes, the child is a child. But the OP is planning on leaving an adult man who is allowing and enabling this intolerable situation. He’s letting everyone down.

Sadly the child will still have him as a father. The OP can’t fix that.

It sounds like there's history here and concerns with DSD's behaviour anyway but just wanted to share my experience as feels relevant.

I had a fantastic relationship with my DSD prior to my DS being born. I never expected it to change my feelings towards her so much but at the time, I couldn't stand her. This went on for months and I couldn't see past it. I would try everything to avoid being anywhere near her and became very protective of my DS around her. I seriously questioned the relationship with DH as couldn't see a way out. Hormones are powerful and you can't ever imagine how it feels to have your own child until you do. Now 21 months on and although the relationship isn't 100% the same, we are in such a better place and I enjoy her company once again.

Can you try therapy together before you make any decisions
One with a therapist who specializes in step/bonus/blended families? He does need to hear how his behavior impacts hers ...and therefore has a huge impact on your relationship.

I totally get where your coming from as my situation is almost identical. I don’t blame you for feeling this way as I do too! You’re not alone. My child’s dad asked me to sleep in a single bed knowing our 1 year old would want to get In bed with me at some point but he didn’t see the problem. It’s just little things anf I think naturally most women do change with their step children when their own baby arrives I know I did

Very outing, but he didn’t even punish her when she stabbed my hand with a fork over me telling her I won’t sleep on the couch so she could share my bed with her dad.

Not only do you have a SD problem, you also have a DP problem.
I couldn’t stay in your shoes OP and I would use the above example of her extremely concerning behaviour to limit any / all contact that she has with your child. Get yourself some good legal advice and go from there.

I stayed years ago and as such I now WILL NOT risk leaving my children unattended around my adult SC. I just don’t trust them and they make it evident they resent them. Life is short. You and your child deserve to be happy and deserve better than this.

Fuck me, what an attitude!
I bet OP wouldn't expect the hypothetical new woman to smile sweetly as her child stabbed her with a fork in rage!
I'd dislike anyone who attacked me. And I'd resent being expected to just accept it by the person who is supposed to love me.
OP, I'd seriously consider whether you shouldn't start making some unilateral decisions of your own. I'd not want the child around me or my baby if I didn't think baby was safe.

No advice OP as I'm the exact same so just a mutual hand hold really. My baby is 6 months old with DH and when DSC are here I have the load of the baby and DH barely interacts with him. It's taken a massive toll on my mental health and my eating disorder has reappeared after containing it for the best part of 4 years. I'm getting away with it at the moment because I still have a bit of baby weight but I'm getting very thin again and trying to hide it. Honestly the way you're feeling isn't abnormal. I actually helped DH get the DSC more before I had the baby, since I've given birth I regret it so much. Honestly wouldn't bother me if I never saw them again.

If a child stabbed me with a fork because they didn't get their own way (quite rightly) then I would absolutely dislike the child. That is a quite a horrible child. It might not be her fault, that's on the parents. But the fact is, they have made her what she is, and what that is, is horrible. It's perfectly natural not to like her.

And on top of this, I would feel utter disgust for the parent who sat by and said nothing, when their child stabbed someone for not indulging their terrible behaviour.

A hand hold from me also.

I also get your fears over shared custody. Although as a baby you would probably be able to have a lot more say over this at the minute, but the fear is real and I have also had this.

An option could be to have a different relationship for a while, one in which you did not have DSD around, your partner sees her in his own home only and he basically moves out but stays with you. So that you have a clear separation in you plus partner, and then DSD sees him separately also. That way in a few years DSD will be older, you will have a complete break from each other, but you don’t have to navigate total divorce and complicated custody.

Then when your child is a bit older you will have head space and perspective to know if you want this to be a real divorce.

How do all these shit men appeal so much to so many women that they find a new girlfriend and inexplicably keep reproducing, despite openly already failing at parenting?
Dump this loser, and hope his little stabber doesn’t attack again.

Why are people writing ‘divorce’? They’re legally single.

Very outing, but he didn’t even punish her when she stabbed my hand with a fork over me telling her I won’t sleep on the couch so she could share my bed with her dad.

Your issue isn't with the step daughter. It's with your partner.

Your step daughter has been violent to you when not getting her own way, and your partner has not acted to deal with that.

Instead he has left you feeling like the daughter can do anything she likes in your home - including hurt you.

What happens if next time, it's your baby?

This isn't minor. It's not just disagreeing. It's being harmed.

You have the right to feel safe in your own home. Your PARTNER is the one choosing not to prioritise this. You aren't posing a physical threat to his daughter. He is choosing to ALLOW her to abuse you. Yes the correct phrase is he is enabling his child to abuse you.

You should be focusing on his lack of parenting rather than your dislike of her personality. It's HIM who is ultimately the issue here. Not her.

And with that in mind, reconsidering your relationship with him, really isn't unreasonable. You shouldn't be putting up with this abuse without any consequences and you can't guarantee that she won't do it to your baby.

Put it into those terms and the ball falls into his court over how he decides to respond.

@Souldispenser
Perhaps, it might be helpful to factor into your thinking 1. That he lives with your baby 50% more time than he lives with his daughter.

1. You don't know how involved he was with her when she was 8 months old; he could have been just as detached from her at 8 months as he is with your son (sadly, some men tend to be fairly useless with newborns and in the early months), 3. your baby will not register Xmas as anything special, and 4. should you leave him, your replacement may very well feel about your son, exactly the way that you feel about his daughter.

None of those things should inform your decision about staying or leaving, but they are things about which you should give some thought.

he didn’t even punish her when she stabbed my hand with a fork over me telling her I won’t sleep on the couch so she could share my bed with her dad.

He will be having her for the whole week of Christmas this year, he plans to stay with his parents which means he won’t see our baby on the first Christmas. I had no say in this and he didn’t discuss plans with me

Is this the girl who licks her dad, lays all over him and who does her very best to keep you at bay? And he encourages it?

If so, it is so totally fucked up you have to leave. And I wouldn’t let him have your son alone, I’d invite him to go to court.

He is a total failure.

I think the licker was another poster. The licker poster didn't have a baby. She was going to get out and I hope she did.

I spent years beating myself up over negative feelings towards my partner and his daughter over their relationship. But recently discovered "mini wife syndrome" and it fell into place. This post is to warn others.
My OH and I got together when his D was 13 and he was divorced 6 yrs separated 8. I observed she was pushing in on walks to hold his hand and sat on his knee. My D same age asked her privately, "why do you behave like a child around your Dad" (astute daughter mine) His D replied "he likes to think of me as seven". Meanwhile sharing secrets of older boyfriend with my D.
It was early days, I thought she was insecure and would grow up and "off spring". Sadly, it intensified to point I feel he treats her more as his partner, emotionally and socially. Her calls are full of complaints about everyone in her life including her mum and boyfriend, and he indulges her.
There are long private phone chats in other rooms and she texts early and late daily.
The only pattern is she lives too far to visit and has periods of no contact when her confidence is high then heavy contact when she crashes. She is 26, has no regular job and is fully financially supported by her mother who she lives with.
She has had public disagreements when he refused to support her on a private matter and went no contact for two yrs, twice. It was bliss. Now contact is intense and he seems both fawning and fearful.
I can be left alone for hours in evening while they chat, meals are abandoned and even our sex life disrupted as he responds immediately and entirely to her.
After 13 yrs I feel I stupidly supported him in so many ways (he left his ex and kids family home and took no settlement) and helped him build a future, and a business a home was provided as I owned my own.
When he talks about her he is only realistic when she is no contact but minute he hears her voice collapses back.
All the indicators of mini wife are there, but I don't blame her. He allowed and encouraged it. His mum told me that this behaviour was from birth and she ousted everyone who he got close to including mother and grandmother and any partners he had after marriage.
From the outside it looks like jealousy on my part but as she gets older and it continues I picture a time she will want him to go live with her and raise her kids. She already asked him but while he told me it's not what he wants I don't see him saying no to her.
My issue is how t I end it without seeming petty? But he treats her so preciously and is hostile and reactive to any attempts on my part to point out his behaviour makes me feel an outsider and used. I don't expect to be his priority but respect is not being shown.
The rest of his family dont trust her and told him so. They think she wants to split us up, but he won't listen.
Finally, I am on last gasp of trying to change tye dynamic and have mistakenly thought every time she publically abused him he wouldn't forgive her but he does. Despite fact she never publically renounces the damage she did to him in times of being hostile. Looking back I can see those times were punishment, because he was in a relationship with me.

I don’t see the dynamic changing and if he wants to move closer to be near her and help with grandkids, then you’ll have a decision to make at some point. I think you both need a frank discussion about your future plans.