I’ve posted about some of this before about a year ago and had some kind helpful replies, so I’m hoping with this new information I could gain some more support..
Back story is that my partner has a dd from previous relationship, he has her 50/50 now, it was 25/75 when we began dating but he pushed for more time earlier this year and won. I built a good bond with her myself. Her family didn’t approve of him moving on and having a partner so they made things difficult for us in the background. They refused for her to visit my house or to sleepover even when my partner eventually moved in. Due to this he had to take her on a long trip to stay with relatives or book a hotel. Now she is allowed to stay, I find I don’t actually want her to for many reasons I won’t go into.
The situation has slowly but surely caused a lot of resentment on my part now that we have a baby together. I coped fine with the situation beforehand and enjoyed our weekends together, albeit when she would have to sleep elsewhere and come back the following morning. When she does stay here she is like a different child and I know this is an awful thing to say about anyone, but she is unbearable and I despise her behaviour and personality the more time I spend with her. My partner will not hear a bad word about her so it doesn’t get addressed. The situation has become mini wife syndrome as she knows she is favourite and it shows. She is her mother’s daughter. Very outing, but he didn’t even punish her when she stabbed my hand with a fork over me telling her I won’t sleep on the couch so she could share my bed with her dad.
I’m now seeing him in a different light and considering ending our relationship. I don’t want his dd sleeping at the house anymore, I know she needs to spend time with her dad and sibling, I’d never stop that or make him chose, but for me personally I wish I never had to see her again and find myself making excuses to not be around when she is due to arrive.
What bothers me is that I will have no knowledge or say during his custody time with our baby. I trust him but I don’t trust his family or dd (she’s very heavy handed and rough with baby so needs constant supervision). The thought of not being there to keep my baby safe makes me want to keep up a charade of being happy in love until he’s at an age I feel more comfortable with. Sharing custody at all the special days like birthdays and Christmas brings a tear to my eye. I know this is my own doing, I knew he had a child blah blah But I didn’t envisage that I would feel like this when I became a mum. In fact I’m shocked and upset by it because as a mum I know how important it is for a child to feel wanted and loved, I wasn’t as a child and I’m disgusted I’m now in the position to feel towards a child how I was at her age. I would prefer to love her like my own and be a happy family, I don’t want to feel like this, but it’s been constant for 8 months. All I feel is resentment when she visits, anger when he sees her and spoils her, and jealousy on behalf of my baby when ignored in favour of her. I know the issue is with the adults involved and not dd specifically, she’s an innocent child and I’m a bad person for resenting that time she needs with her dad. He will be having her for the whole week of Christmas this year, he plans to stay with his parents which means he won’t see our baby on the first Christmas. I had no say in this and he didn’t discuss plans with me. I’m expected to accept any situation and it seems he’d prefer to see his dd over our baby. I’ve had enough of being bottom of the list.
So my question is, for those who left their partner over the step child, did you regret it or did you see it as the best choice you made? How did you manage afterwards if you also have children together? I don’t want to make a mistake but ultimately since my baby was born I can’t stand being around his dd and it’s not fair on anyone as the resentment will surely grow. I’m not a bad person, I just can’t cope with the custody arrangements as well as I thought I would.