How did you adapt to being a stepmother if you struggled initially?

[Biancasshelley]

How much did you have to change in your life when you welcomed step children into it?
Did it vary before and after living with their parent/your DP?
Was it easier/worse than you expected?
Initially I enjoyed my partner’s visits with his child before we became serious. She is similar aged to my own daughter and they got on well. I’d never wanted to date someone with children but he accepted me as a mum so I gave it a go. We were fine for 3 years.
Out of nowhere I found myself struggling to be around her about 6 months ago, everything she did irritated me and I made excuses to avoid spending time with her. When her weekend visits arrive I find myself in a bad mood and just want to disappear.
It isn’t even that she done anything specific to trigger it, it was sudden. Although I noticed recently she is often rude to my daughter, she’s stolen toys and sweets from her bedroom, denied it and then it was found in her pocket. She damaged expensive things in my home and laughed and regularly wastes food. DP does punish her but she doesn’t respect him and will run back to her mum and say we have picked on her. I think these factors may have subconsciously made these feelings arise, but remembering she is just a child who needs parenting and guidance makes no change to my resentment. If I make any suggestions I’m shot down because she isn’t my child to parent.
It’s got to the point where I am considering leaving DP because I don’t think I can tolerate his child anymore. It’s not fair on anyone. I hide it well now but eventually it’ll be obvious. I’ve made it clear I won’t marry him, I told a lie about why, but it’s because I don’t want to be her step mother. I love him and our time together but as soon as his daughter is around I feel suffocated and miserable.
I’ve spoken to my parents about how I feel Hoping they’ll give me some advice to fix it, but they told me I’m evil and cruel. I just feel a bit low and alone in that I can’t express how I feel without appearing like a nasty person.
DP parents have commented we should live together and give his daughter a bedroom so she feels part of my family. The thought fills me with dread. I’ve only allowed her to stay at my house once and I told DP never again, this was when she damaged my property and her behaviour was atrocious that night.
DP mum said she is ordering her a bed to squeeze into my daughters bedroom. I’ve said no way and now I’m the bad person for not making her feel welcome despite the fact it’s between DP and I and we haven’t discussed it.
Has anyone else felt this way and how did you deal with it? Any personal stories would really help as I feel like I’ve exhausted all options and I’m at the end of my tether now. If I’m honest with him about how I feel then he’ll hate me, no one would be happy to know their partner doesn’t enjoy their child’s existence. It’s not a normal feeling to have. do I accept it’s a lost cause and end things or will it eventually pass?

I haven't successfully done this and it's been 5 years together, living together for 2. I just don't like my partner's son. He's not even that bad, just irritating and brought up with quite different values by his mum, who he is with most of the time as she moved 1.5 hours away during covid.

He's fairly well mannered and behaved, so I don't know why I can't warm to him but I can't. I wish i could but i can never relax with him in my home (and it is mine, not "ours" - partner pays towards bills etc but the mortgage is mine only). I look forward to him leaving and feel irritated that weekends with my kids he's always there too so I never see just them at weekends. I don't like myself for feeling this way.

This is exactly how I feel too. I wonder what causes it?
do you get much alone time with your partner? I don’t get any which probably doesn’t help.
i just wish people wouldn’t see it as being evil step mothers, I’d rather not feel this way but it’s impossible to force liking someone isn’t it

I know exactly how you feel.

I don't have all the answers because in truth I do still find being around him very irritating but I think a big part of how I was able to come to terms with it was accepting that it IS a normal. Why do you think it wouldn't be? She's a person, and a person whose behaviour isn't enjoyable to be around. We can't like all people. Writing that off as unnatural isn't helpful, and in my opinion will make your feelings feel more intense. Your family and your DPs family sound really pushy and unempathetic on the issue, I don't think that will be helping. You're internalising all these feelings, convinced by yourself and others that they make you a monster, and it will make you a bit like a pressure cooker ready to blow. Just accepting that you quite naturally find someone's unpleasant behaviour unpleasant to be around, but that this is something you can manage and keep under control like you no doubt do whether you don't particularly like an adult, could be a big step in the right direction.

Thank you, see no one can comprehend how a child could be disliked regardless of their behaviour. It doesn’t help that my family won’t offer support and that DP family are pushing a bond that will never exist, I guess it makes me dig my feet in more. I don’t want her in my company or my house. But how can a relationship work when you don’t want to see their child?
I’m not the type of person who can pretend to like someone for long, it always comes out whether by my facial expressions or admitting it. If DP told me he didn’t like my daughter I’d be upset, so I know it would break him.
With my own daughter I know she isn’t perfect and any poor behaviour is corrected, whereas his daughter is the best thing since sliced bread to his family. She could become violent and they’ll still say she’s an amazing girl. They won’t understand that I don’t feel that way about her too.

Where does she sleep when she has to stay at yours?

Honestly this isn't fair on her, at the very least here dad should know how you feel so he can make decisions on what's best for his child.

You aren't evil, there are always going to be people in life we don't like, but if you can't tolerate her, you can't be with her dad.

She doesn't sleep at OPs . Has only stayed over once so it's irrelevant.
Op isn't obliged to have anyone stay over that she doesn't want in her house.

That said. I don't really see how the relationship can develop without her father not seeing her which is obviously not right in any way.

I felt much the same with my DSC but they were mid teens so I just gritted my teeth and prayed for time to pass and before long they had their own lives.. I love to see them now as they are young independent adults who are pleasant to spend time with and I don't have to 'share' DH.. nor give up time with my own..

She slept on a travel bed she brought from home, in my daughters room. Which was fine as a one off. I wouldn’t have a permanent bed here for her though. My daughter shouldn’t have to share when she’s an only child. She has 4 permanent bedrooms elsewhere.
I don’t know how I’d raise the subject with DP? I couldn’t come out with ‘I dislike your daughter because…’ it’s not a nice thing for anyone to hear. Plus I came here hoping for advice to work around it before throwing in the towel.

Thank you. I’d never stop him from seeing her, I just don’t want to be present when he does. He doesn’t take no for an answer though and will always include us in plans that I feel I have to tag along for.
I have around 10 years before I can feel that relief! And I’m not sure if I can hold on that long.

Tell him she might need more of his undivided attention on his weekends? Would be a positive way of framing it and might not be far off the truth in any case.

No OP I feel your pain. My sc were early teens so a couple of years full on and then they had their own mates and much less frequent so bearable .. and same went for mine as similar age. By the time I stopped having to be a full on mum they were all doing their own thing.

I don't think it will be very easy for the relationship to develop if you really don't think you can be around her at all - though not impossible to date if he doesn't have her full time, but cohabitation isn't going to be practical.

I will say though that I am honest with my DP about my feelings. He's not blind, he can see that certain things are frustrating/annoying and if he was so in denial about that that he couldn't take it, it would put me off him. I think parents need to be realistic about how other people will receive their children's behaviour. For me, not being able to would make me way more wound up and likely to blow, so from experience I recognise that being defensive about your kids will make this situation worse.

So you live separately? How often does he have his DD?

In theory if you don't cohabit this relationship could work, if you were both happy with the status quo/seeing each other when he doesn't have his DD.

However, if he has the desire to progress towards cohabitation or marriage etc, you have to make sure you are not leading him up the garden path.

She doesn’t need to feel like part of the family, ignore his parents. You’re dating her dad and you live separately. Which is how is should continue as you have different parenting beliefs so blending will be a disaster.
If he’s always trying to include you on her weekends do you think he’s trying to push the idea of you all being a family unit. I think at the moment you need to be clear that’s not happening anytime soon especially because of her behaviour. He might not realise this.

Being a semi-stepmum (my partner and I don’t live together) has destroyed my mental health. When you ask what causes the feeling of resentment towards an innocent child, in my case it has been a symptom of trauma caused by the challenges of dating a man with kids. My partner has 2 under 10. I have one. I had an amicable divorce, my ex and I are a team and my ex’s girlfriend is lovely and occasionally will help out with childcare in emergencies, for which I will buy her gifts. I’ve supported my son’s relationship with this kind woman. My son is really trusting and friendly with my partner.

On to DP: we got together when he was in a horrible court battle for child access. Him and his ex accused each other of being unfit parents. After every hearing he was in a very dark place. Suicidal at one point. I was his only source of psychological support. My DP’s kids are very damaged. One has attacked me and my child. The other tells me constantly ‘you’re not my mum.’ Both have significant behaviour problems. The ex wife appears to hate me too. If we’re ever in the same place she refuses to say hello, and as she’s a really sociable extroverted person, her ignoring me has the effect of modelling to her children that I really don’t matter. She’ll also change child arrangements on a whim, but refuses to be flexible herself, which has disrupted time DP and me spend together and ensured we can’t take all our kids on holiday eg when we asked for an extra afternoon on an Xmas handover day, which would have enabled us to take them abroad for 4 days of winter sun.

After 2 years of DP’s court hell, kids who resent my existence because I’m the living proof their parents will never get back together and undermining from the exw, I’m an anxious, depresssed mess. I’ve gained weight, I binge eat and drink, I’m on citalopram, I shout at my own kid for the first time ever and as someone who works as a childcare professional I am deeply ashamed about this, and also that I couldn’t deal with my DP’s kids better (tbf they also hit and rage at their own parents).

I started seeing a therapist who said I’m traumatised. A factor of trauma is being constantly on guard. That includes intense fear ahead of any ‘blended’ (haha) ‘family’ (lol) experience. When I visit my DP and his kids I don’t feel safe. I don’t know whether this will be a day the kids decide to be nice to me or how long any nice times will last (because the exw alienates me, if the kids do bond with me they feel guilty they have let their mum down so any period of niceness and calm is followed by angry rejection).

My DP is no Disney Dad who keeps me around for doing chores and free childcare. He has a good job, a cleaner and a nanny. He treats me like a goddess. He understands. He pays for my therapy. He moves to protect me when one of the kids is awful to me or ignores me. He puts photos of ‘all of us’ in his house and of us as a couple to show his kids me and him are a unit. He’s taken all my suggestions to help his kids behaviour on board (martial arts for the sometimes violent one, therapy for both). But sadly I am often finding myself angry with him too. I have absolutely no capacity to be treated badly by exw or kids anymore. One ‘small’ thing happens - a schedule change by exw that I know she will rant and scream at DP about if he doesn’t agree, another snide comment from s child, and because this is the 1000-th time it happened I will rage and cry. I don’t know who or what I’ve become. There was an alienating comment from one of the kids a few weeks ago (just the one) and I ended up curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor sobbing quietly to myself.

So while I can’t give you any answers OP I’m here with buckets of empathy.

One thing my very kind DP has agreed on is that if I want to go to very minimal contact with his kids I can. This means only seeing them once a month or so for short periods. They will not feel I’ve abandoned them (at some level they may have an attachment to me) but also will not get to use me as a target for their anger. I will not have to witness their behaviour problems. If there is ex wife drama my DP will talk to his friends and therapist about it, not to me. My DP will use his financial resources to get them more help. He is happy to accept that his life is complex and hard and that none of it is my circus.

Since we had that conversation I’m starting to feel some hope for myself. I feel in part like I’m going to become a cold, heartless woman who no longer supports the DP with all his troubles. But if I don’t put this life jacket on now I will drown and take my own child with me.

Men do seem to fantasise about this blended family concept. But when you blend one healthy person or family with a dysfunctional one it’s extremely hard for those who entered the blend healthy to remain so.

I’ve also used this tactic. I’ve told my DP the reason his kids alienate me is because they’ve had a lot of unhappy disruption in their lives and they need some stability with both mum and dad in their separate homes. Their behaviour worsened when mum got her new BF. They’ve moved houses quite a few times. The thing not to say, even when a DP kid is being utterly horrible, is that you don’t want to be around them. I’ve done it to my shame, from a place of bad mental health caused by trying to stepmum, and it’s made my DP feel rejected on behalf of his kids as they are an extension of himself. Better to put the children’s needs first strategically when communicating that you can’t handle being around them

Honestly I would end the relationship. Firstly she is mean to your dd, it is her parents responsibility but that doesn't mean your dd should have to put up with it. Your dd is your responsibility. Secondly why are you being pushed to play happy families by your dp and parents if that's not where you are at. If he's willing to push aside your feelings and dictate what you do then is he worth the effort.

You could date without involving the kids but it would be easier to cut ties.

I think the relationship can develop (and I speak for my own tattered relationship here) if:

OP gets counselling to fully understand her resentment of DP daughter. It will be a mix of what daughter has done, how dad has dealt with it and possibly stuff from OP’s childhood (if she lacks support from her own parents is it possible she resents having to support a child to which she is not related and did not bring up and over whose behaviour she has minimal control?)

DP and his family back the hell off and allow OP to work through her issues at her own pace. (Also take it as a compliment tho - my DP’s family took a shine to me as I’m clearly saner than the exw and that made them kind of hurry up our attempted blend by inviting us all on holidays with them. DP mum may see OP as a good influence.)

DP fully recognises his child’s behaviour problems and his sole responsibility for them. He also fills any parenting deficits not by insisting OP is always around to help him (and be a convenient target for his child’s anger about his divorce) but by taking parenting courses, joining dads’ groups as needed. Single dads can struggle to cope and are often socially isolated. They can lean too hard on us, their partners, as an unhealthy coping mechanism.

OP and DP aim to attend couples counselling to work out the best arrangements going forward. I had to start my own therapy first and am establishing what from my own childhood (high conflict divorce) has made it particularly hard for me to cope with DSS and HCBM.

@Stepmumptsd I mean this kindly, but having read your first comment about everything his kids have done and the effect being around them has had on you, it's absolute madness that you cannot admit to your partner that you don't like being around them and that you feel ashamed of that feeling. It's totally reasonable for you to feel that way and should not come as a surprise to him at all, there should be no reason for you to feel ashamed.

I'm so glad you've started to put yourself and your DC first, but really hope you can go further!

You don’t live together, and she has only stayed over once. Why is your dp’s family trying to add beds to your dd’s room? And your parents are wrong. Your feelings are your feelings, they aren’t cruel.
Why do you not see your dp without his child though? Assuming he doesn’t have full residency, and even then it sounds like his family are actively involved. He should be making time for the relationship.
His daughter having 4 permanent rooms does not sound like a good thing though, and she definitely doesn’t need another one. Is she passes around a lot?
Carry on seeing your dp and have a relationship without blending of step parenting. If that won’t work then it may be time to leave.

I found it hard because do’s ex had very different parenting values. So it was hard on the child and everyone else adjusting to my rules vs. Home.

dp was caught in the middle- he is more my parenting style, but when you only see kids on a weekend you don’t want to start imposing new rules and having rows about not helping yourself to other people’s stuff or not playing on the Xbox all day.

his kids struggled because everyone else knew the boundaries and they had difficulty not being allowed to behave the same as they did at home.

my kids struggled as they saw their step
siblings being allowed to get away with things they weren’t, and their dad treating them differently.

it really isn’t as simple as getting a kid their own bed and accepting them as your family. Because they don’t live there they are more like “guests” in the way they are treated.

OP,

He sounds awful.

Your priority is your child.

Why are this mans parents telling you they are buying furniture FOR YOUR HOME?

Utterly Batshit.

You need to look at your boundaries.

He doesn't care about your feelings, his priority is to force his child on you.

This relationship is never going to work so you are wasting your time.

Your parents sound awful so stop telling them your business.

Stop allowing his parents tell you your business in your home.

Protect your child and your home.

You sound very reasonable but you need to stand up for yourself and your daughter.

You have every right to not want this child in your home.

@Biancasshelley

I’d never stop him from seeing her, I just don’t want to be present when he does. He doesn’t take no for an answer though and will always include us in plans that I feel I have to tag along for.

I really cannot see how this relationship can continue. Your DP isn't listening to you when you want space from his daughter ("He doesn’t take no for an answer") and both you and your daughter are suffering. It looks like he's planning for a time when you can have a blended family and the thought of that is awful to you.

You may need to face the fact that you'll need to leave the relationship, however much it will hurt, telling him as much of the truth as you can, because it's not working out for you or your child. 🌹

Like many divorced dads, one of the key things he’s looking for in a relationship is a woman to take on some of his parenting load - or at least to ensure he doesn’t have to endure weekends and holidays of parenting alone.

That’s why he’s so desperately keen that you must join him when he’s doing things with his daughter. But it is not your job to make parenting less painful for him.

Draw very clear boundaries. You do not want to blend families at all. That is totally fine. It’s not ‘cruel’ or ‘wicked’ or any other manipulative rubbish people have been spouting. It’s drawing a clear boundary for yourself and your child.

Much better to do it now that to allow yourself to be gaslit into thinking you’re the problem for not feeling enthusiastic of domestic drudgery and treading in eggshells while he fails to parent his child and she purposefully ruins you (and your daughter’s) stuff.

All this. Lots of parenting is dull and men think they can pass it on to someone with an uterus as they must be desperate to do it.
My friend had an amicable split but her ex tried to do all his contact at her house, so she would do the work. He didn’t understand why she wasn’t keen on this.