How did you adapt to being a stepmother if you struggled initially?

[Biancasshelley]

How much did you have to change in your life when you welcomed step children into it?
Did it vary before and after living with their parent/your DP?
Was it easier/worse than you expected?
Initially I enjoyed my partner’s visits with his child before we became serious. She is similar aged to my own daughter and they got on well. I’d never wanted to date someone with children but he accepted me as a mum so I gave it a go. We were fine for 3 years.
Out of nowhere I found myself struggling to be around her about 6 months ago, everything she did irritated me and I made excuses to avoid spending time with her. When her weekend visits arrive I find myself in a bad mood and just want to disappear.
It isn’t even that she done anything specific to trigger it, it was sudden. Although I noticed recently she is often rude to my daughter, she’s stolen toys and sweets from her bedroom, denied it and then it was found in her pocket. She damaged expensive things in my home and laughed and regularly wastes food. DP does punish her but she doesn’t respect him and will run back to her mum and say we have picked on her. I think these factors may have subconsciously made these feelings arise, but remembering she is just a child who needs parenting and guidance makes no change to my resentment. If I make any suggestions I’m shot down because she isn’t my child to parent.
It’s got to the point where I am considering leaving DP because I don’t think I can tolerate his child anymore. It’s not fair on anyone. I hide it well now but eventually it’ll be obvious. I’ve made it clear I won’t marry him, I told a lie about why, but it’s because I don’t want to be her step mother. I love him and our time together but as soon as his daughter is around I feel suffocated and miserable.
I’ve spoken to my parents about how I feel Hoping they’ll give me some advice to fix it, but they told me I’m evil and cruel. I just feel a bit low and alone in that I can’t express how I feel without appearing like a nasty person.
DP parents have commented we should live together and give his daughter a bedroom so she feels part of my family. The thought fills me with dread. I’ve only allowed her to stay at my house once and I told DP never again, this was when she damaged my property and her behaviour was atrocious that night.
DP mum said she is ordering her a bed to squeeze into my daughters bedroom. I’ve said no way and now I’m the bad person for not making her feel welcome despite the fact it’s between DP and I and we haven’t discussed it.
Has anyone else felt this way and how did you deal with it? Any personal stories would really help as I feel like I’ve exhausted all options and I’m at the end of my tether now. If I’m honest with him about how I feel then he’ll hate me, no one would be happy to know their partner doesn’t enjoy their child’s existence. It’s not a normal feeling to have. do I accept it’s a lost cause and end things or will it eventually pass?

I am a step parent that dislikes my step child based on her behaviour. It’s all due to her mums indulgent parenting where she lets the child dictate everything. This child starting trying to dictate to me and I wasnt having any of it. My partner wanted to put a bed for her in my study meaning I’d have to get a bad back working at the dining room table 5 days a week for her to have a bedroom that she would use only twice a month (she has a bedroom at her mums and grandparents she doesn’t need a third!) . I said no as I clearly need the room more and I’ve also said no to any more sleepovers ( on the sofa as there’s no other spare room or bed) whilst her behaviour continues. I have to lie to strangers and tell them she sleeps on a pull out bed because I would be branded a wicked step mother for not letting her stay overnight but why should I let my home be disrupted by an unruly child and for my son to see her get away with murder and him to be treated differently! You’re not alone, I feel exactly the same way except I’ve not got the option to leave as my son is our son. It is my house though so DP doesn’t get much choice about no sleepovers. I just get a guilt trip about it every few months. The ex wife has said her child doesn’t have to change to suit our rules lol so my boundary is that she only comes for daytime visits. She’s not welcome for more time and sleepovers until she can behave.(and her mum starts parenting her properly basically!) but that’s not going to happen. So it stays as it is. It’s my house and my rules and some other woman will not dictate what happens in my house By way of her crappy parenting! Makes me so angry but I know I am in the right for looking after my son and trying to get my partner to parent her properly which he does with my support but then he can’t influence her behaviour with only a few visits per month. And she also sometimes refuses to visit when she gets parented properly at ours (and her mum enables this!) so we as stepmothers and our partners are left powerless. My only power is saying no to letting them all into my house for overnights and therefore for prolonged periods of time. Until they get their parenting shit together it’s not my problem to deal with. It causes a huge wedge between myself and my partner though so no idea how our relationship will pan out long term. I regrets getting with a man with children when I had none. As a stepmum you’re expected to just let two other people and a child dictate your life and I hate it . There I said it. So you’re not alone by any means. Keep sticking up for yourself and your daughter and tell him you won’t blend ( I’ve made it quite clear to my partner although he continues to try!) it’s really not his fault if you think about it it’s his ex’s poor parenting which he has no control over as he does try when we have her. He just suffers the no sleepovers but she would be sleeping anyway so I don’t see it as a big deal. Society will just tell you you’re evil but actually you’re just looking out for yourself and your child. These exes have nothing to do with you but if you let them them and their child can massively disrupt your peace and then you get judged for not allowing it to happen. My partners only fault in this is sometimes not being strict enough (I have to force it) and for getting divorced in the first place I guess (he should have been a better husband) but I feel he’s learnt his lesson so he’s a much better partner to me. Anyway rant over I feel your pain. Stick up for yourself I say like I am and just lie to the judgey people like I do there’s nothing to be ashamed about these unruly children are not your problem!

with the help of my therapist I have put down clear boundaries about partner’s kids. I’m sharing them here for the other SMS and blended family victims who may find them helpful.

They are

1. until you and exw can coparent effectively and improve your own kids’ mental health and behaviour, I choose not to co-parent with you either. I can’t change or rescue these children, I can only work with what you and the exw bring them up to be.

2. I am happy with us being in a dating relationship. You can tell me about challenges with your kids if it helps you figure stuff out but I can’t advise or give solutions. How to fix is for their parents to decide.

3. If everything stays the same there are natural consequences. I now already socialise with my kid with yours not invited because they have so far hit or been otherwise violent to most of my friends’ children. I’m not having that on me. I’m

And you know what? Things are already starting to improve. I don’t need to go into too much detail as these kids are not primarily my problem and making them so impacts my own mental health, but basically everyone’s stepping up a gear apart from me of course - I’m happily having a cup of tea in my garden!

I'm not a step parent but if he only has contact every other weekend shouldn't he be spending that time just with his daughter.
Why should the daughter have to spend the only time she sees her Dad with her dad's girlfriend and girlfriends child, I bet she doesn't want to

Perhaps you should suggest to him that he should concentrate on his daughter during contact time and see you the rest of the time.
(And I'm aware that he might be , consciously or not, trying to rope you In ,as the available female, to do his parenting with him).
Don't move in together, see him at noncontact days. If he isn't happy with this , well tough.