Partner’s ex wife

[Newmum2023x]

help!! My partner and I have been together for 2 years and we are expecting our first child together next week!! He was married previously and has a child from that marriage.
His ex wife is constantly trying to get attention off him and causing issues. She has called him a sperm donor and doesn’t want him to have anything to do with their child. Her family will post things on social media, calling him a terrible father etc. They hate me and have never even met me! I understand it’s the ‘norm’ to hate your ex husbands new partner, but I haven’t done anything wrong and have never had any interaction with them. He ignores it and just cracks on, but it really gets to me and I am worried about the impact this will have on our child and our family. I’ve had a really bad experience during my pregnancy as he was going through the steps to get a court order in place due to his ex wife’s behaviour, so it felt like all that was relevant was that. I don’t blame him, as she’s made him feel so inadequate, and I understand it’s natural for him to worry about what he says or does in regards to his other child, but I can’t help but worry that this is going to last forever.

Sorry this is so long, any advice at all would be extremely appreciated.

What happened about the court order?

All you can do it Supoort your partner and the best advice I got re the ex is to ignore, remember that envy is the thief of joy and also, every time you pictured her, do so with bugs bunny ears ( I’m not kidding - it helps!)

He did and they have arrangements for him to see his child, but she’s constantly saying her behaviour is poor and it’s ever since resuming contact. She is such a well behaved child, him and I can’t understand what she means when she says all of this. It’s just very stressful when I’m going to have my baby next week :(

So if he is seeing his child regularly and paying what he should be paying, just ignore all the background noise. Have in the back of your mind though that "crazy exs" often turn out not to have been so crazy after all. Keep alert.

You only been together 2 years and he hasn't had consist contact you met the child and are pregnant and due shortly. I suspect that there's alot more you don't know. It's such a short space of time.

You don’t need to have any contact with your partner’s ex. There’s no point.
You say he’s been dealing well with the nonsense and just carrying on getting the court order sorted. And that the child seems well adjusted when she is with you. The child may be playing up for her mother or the mother may be making it up/exageratting to try to show contact is bad for her. Either way, all you can do is continue to treat her well and have a good safe home environment with good boundaries in your house.
Ask your partner to stop sharing nonsense his ex sends for a while, especially if it is just being nasty to you for no good reason.
Remember the ex has zero input in anything to do with your baby. None whatsoever.

I agree - you're about to give birth you need to be shielded from this. I know you care about your partner and him seeing his child but you need to take care of yourself only now. Ask your partner if he can seek advice etc from a friend of his family for the next few weeks at least as you need to get into your nesting zone and focus just on you and your baby. Worries about the wider family can wait. You can't control this woman so try to just focus on yourself for know.

I feel for you, but it doesn't sound like any of this needs to effect you or your child. What do either of you need to have to do with his ex and her family?

Yeah agree - especially as she sounds very high conflict right now, there is absolutely no need to you to have anything to do with her. All communication should be between her and your partner and don't make it easy for her or her family members to find you on social media. Keep as much private as you can and focus on making your home a nice and secure place for all concerned.

Big congrats on your pregnancy x

You have 2 choices. Either continue to be hung up on everything she's says and does or ignore it all. The one thing you can't control is her behaviour but you can control your reaction to it.

Block her and all her family then you won't know what's being posted on social media. You DP needs to minimise contact with her as well. He should set up an email account for her to contact if needed on only check it occasionally.

My DHs ex was posting all sorts about him and us on social media too. We just laughed because we know the truth. Those who know and care about you will know the truth and those who don't know you don't matter. So ignore it. She'll just be coming off as the bitter ex.

If you have boundaries and hold them she'll start to get bored eventually. She'll never go away unfortunately so just distance yourself as much as possible.

In terms of the kids behaviour, we had a similar situation with my DSD. Her mother would complain to my DH that her behaviour and attitude was terrible however we were not experiencing this. She's honestly the best behaved and loveliest kid you could meet. So it was clearly a her problem. If your DPs ex is having issues with her behaviour and you're not then leave her to it. Not your problem.

He needs to keep it all to himself and spare you any of hers and her family’s crap while you prepare for your new baby.

He chose to have a relationship and another child within such a short time frame while all of this drama was going on. He needs to protect you from it and let you adjust to having your baby without unnecessary negative overshadowing it. It must be unsettling for his child and for you. It’s his stuff to manage.

Yes I totally agree with this, he shouldn't be making any of this an issue for you.

Everything @aSofaNearYou and @AnneLovesGilbert says. Ask him not to mention her or the drama to you again.

He decided to have a relationship with you, and to have a new baby, he can deal with his ex, he knew the situation, he can live with it and protect you.

Just ignore her. She just wants to cause stress and still be the centre of attention.

I don’t think the timeframe of them splitting and him meeting you would have made any difference. Tends not to with the crazy ones! My DH and his ex were divorced for nearly a decade before I even met him. Him and I getting married and having a baby on the way (several years after we met now) has sent her into a bitter, psychotic tailspin and she’s doing similar to us what your ex’s partner is doing to you. I’m just ignoring her, I’m not going to let her bs impact my experience of early marriage and motherhood. OP, don’t give her that power! I’m leaving it to my DH to sort his court order out and focussing on my child. I know it’s hard, but try and out her out of your mind. She’s the least important person in your world.

My advice would be - being a SM of over 9 years & married to a man with a batshit EW (yes - still) ignore, ignore, ignore…..

My DH has been divorced over 10 years - but the toxic EW will still try to create drama. The more you react, the more you feed their fire.

Remember - you can’t control her, but you can control how you react.

Firstly - block her on all social media. How do you know her family are ‘posting things’? Block & ignore. There’s no reason you need to know what her family are doing.

For your own mental health - look up the NACHO method of step parenting. This helped me immensely to detach. Remember - not your kid, not your problem. Let your DP deal with the EW / all parenting. You don’t need the stress & drama with a high conflict EX.

Good luck 🤞

Exactly what @NorthernSpirit said.
I wish I’d realised earlier that I do not need to make the ex stuff my problem. I now treat it the same as if my DH is having issues at work - I listen, now and again offer ideas but if he doesn’t follow them I’m not invested in it and I expect him to not let stress overspill into our DCs lives.
I don’t want to know what his ex is saying unless it’s relevant to DSD, I don’t want to know about social media.
This also protected my relationship with DSD as I don’t want my feelings about her mum to influence how I treat her.

So they now have a court order for contact? And, I assume, he pays CMS or CMS+ to her? Does he adhere to whatever the order says - turn up on time etc etc?

In which case, really, just ignore all the noise.

@Housesellingnightmare I'm not minimising anything. But the OP has only been with this man for 2 years. She hasn't known him in non tumultuous circumstances. He went straight from one relationship and child to another relationship and child. I just want her to keep her wits about her. While ignoring, as I said, the background noise.