Fed up of hearing "Daddy has taken all the money"!!!

[Elizawho36]

5 years into our relationship and yet it's becoming a regular thing DSD 10 keeps repeating, and I've had enough. I'd like to point out quickly that my frustration is not at DSD, as it's obvious it's something she has heard her Mum say.

My partner pays £525 a month, after school club, breakfast clubs on his contact time (equates to 35% I think plus half school hols). DSD has a few extra sets of school uniforms at ours too which he obviously paid for. For background the marital home was left to ex (he doesn't have a stake in it once DSD reaches adulthood), the car. Plus ex had a family bereavement before their divorce was finalised too which left her over 100k lump sum too. He basically wanted out with no financial ties & keeping his pension was important to him. Ex works 3 days a week, multiple holidays a year (without DSD I might add), plastic surgery, brand new German car etc etc.

I don't care what lifestyle she chooses to lead or what she spends on her money on, but my God then hearing DSD say stuff like 'Daddy took all the money' drives me bonkers! We were in rented for 3 years without any social life frantically saving for a deposit on a home together before interest rates rose, and the 3 of us went on our first holiday together after 3 years this year. My partner makes good money yes, but when you effectively start over that money drains quickly and I think the ex forgets this when she makes these remarks to DSD. I just bite my tongue and try not to roll my eyes but I'm finding it increasingly hard! It's just so far from the truth and I want it to stop.

Not sure why I'm posting, maybe to rant but any advice would be great. Do we subtly say anything to DSD that it's simply not true? Currently we ignore it but it's like it's being said EVERY time DSD is over now...

The exact amounts are none of our business.
I stand by my suggestion that Daddy does respond - someone else made a good post about saying that people divide up their belongings when they divorce, either by agreeing or it's decided by someone else.
Maybe a further conversation asking the ex if money is an issue as DD keeps mentioning it at his house.

My friend has had this with her ex for the past 10 years;he's been telling their kids since they were 6,7&12 that he has no money and therefore cannot afford to treat them/do holidays/days out because my friend "steals all his money";he spent nearly 3 years giving CMS the runaround and is now still in arrears for maintenance for my friends now 22 year old.

The truth is he doesn't work enough hours,he's extremely irresponsible with money and was financially abusive to my friend;it's likely he's still living beyond his means and has continued to rack up debt.

I think DH needs a chat with his DD and ask her why she’s saying that.

I wouldn’t play a tit for tat thing but I would explain that he left her mum the house and gives her money every month.

I don’t think she should have a bad view of her dad because her mum is saying things that are untrue.

I would also be tempted to tell the ex that if she carries on spreading false information then he’ll have no choice but to take his half of the house.

@JustAMinutePleass it wasn't a heavily mortgage house Jesus! It was something like £300 a month with only £65k left. She could have paid it off completely, have £35k left over and own a £300k house!

You should not be saying anything. It's not your business. You BF needs to deal with it, not you.

Anyways beside the fact as to whether she thinks or people think she should have his pension, it wouldn't make her any better off now day to day and would still be saying the same things to DSD.

My DSD and partners feelings and how DSD may feel in the future towards him is my business, I disagree there, sorry.

Right. So with the numbers you've now given, it's highly likely his pension was worth far more than the equity in the house. So, no need for the 'lol' after your comment, it's perfectly fair to split all assets in half. And also, there's possibly some truth in what the ex is saying. But £525 is a good amount per month - I don't know how to work the numbers, but I'm surprised that doesn't come from a £100k plus salary.

And then give his ex half of 'their' total pension pot?

Yeah we had all this. DH eventually sat them down when they were older and set them straight, but they didn’t want to hear it. They cannot believe their mother would lie.

Happily I hardly see them now they’re adults, they’ve turned out just like her.

Not sure what the answer is, tbh. Just another negative of step parenting.

I would just ask what she means and where she got it from. Make light of it, ‘if Daddy had lots of money we would be on holiday all of the time’.

Don’t lower yourself to her mother’s level.

You sound like a really nice wife and step mum.

thing is on here soon as your the second wife and step mum there are a few bitter women who will see you as evil even if your husband gave his ex the house the pension and paid CSA.

some people have given you really good advice x

I would get DP to text his ex saying ‘x keeps saying ‘daddy took all the money’ & it’s upsetting us both. I have not claimed half the house that I was entitled to for the sake of our DD & pay more child maintenance for her to so have you any idea where’s she’s getting this from?

Then I would save the message & her reply to show DD is older.

If that doesn’t work then I would be honest with DSD in a child appropriate way that it’s simply not true.

People are twisting themselves into knots to suggest your dh is clearly stiffing mum 😂

People realise that divorce wise assets are split equally and the court would have said ok ex dh and mum what do you both have in your pension pot. They wouldn't have let either party stiff the other.

I know the narrative is that shitty dads don't pay a penny but that isn't the case here.

I speak as a mum who gets very little from her ex but I protected myself by being independent and working full time . Giving up work is a privilege to raise kids, working part time is a privilege when kids are in school and frankly there are plenty of parents who can't afford for one parent to stay at home and have to use gasp child care. Even if you do it when they are little and return to work after they are in school, the option is to you know work more hours if your strapped.

Like every other sod.

Op I would in child like terms be honest with your dsd, this is for the benefit of your dsd who is the important one. If mums has behaved badly in the past frankly she doesn't deserve you gaslighting your dsd.

The child wellbeing is more important that protecting mum here. And if mums shocked well - reap what you sow and all that jazz...

What does she earn? I wonder from your post if she's blown through the 100k and is now blaming your partner because she's skint.

What's your salary? Pretty good if you've got £500k from 7% in 20 years I reckon.

We had the same.

‘Mummy’ can’t buy us shoes because daddy doesn’t give her any money. The kids were in secondary school at the time and mum refused to get a job. She seemed to forget she got £12k a year in CM (which was way over the CM calculator amount).

On the sale of the FMH - despite the EW getting 70% of the equity / which equated to £200k. The kids were distraught because mummy had told them daddy was making them homeless & they would be sleeping on the streets.

Some posters on here are tying themselves up in knobs about the numbers. It’s not important in this post. The point is some women will never be satisfied with what they get/got and they expect the EH to support them indefinitely.

My now DH eventually sat the kids down & explained the finances to them (the house for example was a court ordered sale, mum by this point earned £10k a year but it had a £250k mortgage on it - so mum couldn’t afford to take the house on) but the kids, especially the older girl wouldn’t hear the truth. Everything ‘mummy’ said was the truth, whatever ‘daddy’ said was a lie.

The daughter, having listened to her mums lies & poison for over 10 years now won’t see her dad. Which is sad for him and he’s absolutely devastated. For me - I don’t have to listen to her or her mums lies anymore and bite my tongue. She’s turned out just like her mum - lacking any empathy or grasp of the truth.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I would reinforce the truth.

It's not a heavily mortgaged house, though.

And IMHO It's YOUR pension & you're absolutely entitled to every, single penny of it as you worked your arse off for 25 years.

When I divorced one thing I was insistent of was that neither of us went anywhere near the other's pension. Not that either of us would have (I have a very decent ExH). My bf's prick of a husband tried to go after hers, despite him being a higher earner (but lower pension through his own poor, financial planning- grabbing shit) and wanted a bigger share of the house despite it being built on land owned by her family & built with a huge chunk if her parents ' money!

Anyone- male or female- who is a greedy arse needs to be be told to do one. OP has every right to call the ExW a CF.

So interesting
My ex h was very fair and we ended up with a 60 40 split with generous cm but I will long term be so much worse off as I gave up my career to support his in the interests of the dc.

He has a great pension and great income / earning potential which I don't have and is way more relevant than me getting the mortgaged family home.

Depending on their ages when they married and the ages when they divorced e.g. under 40 and with their other assets the judge may have refused to give his ex part of the the pension anyway.

Happened to a couple of acquaintances of mine. They actually went to court over it.

The one I know most about had no children with her ex. She has a final salary pension plus together they had a house plus savings. He got the house and contents plus half the money. She kept her pension. She rebuilt her life, actually worked harder, bought a more expensive house, then finally cut down on her working hours and has now remarried a richer man. 😂