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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fed up of hearing "Daddy has taken all the money"!!!

70 replies

Elizawho36 · 19/10/2023 15:36

5 years into our relationship and yet it's becoming a regular thing DSD 10 keeps repeating, and I've had enough. I'd like to point out quickly that my frustration is not at DSD, as it's obvious it's something she has heard her Mum say.

My partner pays £525 a month, after school club, breakfast clubs on his contact time (equates to 35% I think plus half school hols). DSD has a few extra sets of school uniforms at ours too which he obviously paid for. For background the marital home was left to ex (he doesn't have a stake in it once DSD reaches adulthood), the car. Plus ex had a family bereavement before their divorce was finalised too which left her over 100k lump sum too. He basically wanted out with no financial ties & keeping his pension was important to him. Ex works 3 days a week, multiple holidays a year (without DSD I might add), plastic surgery, brand new German car etc etc.

I don't care what lifestyle she chooses to lead or what she spends on her money on, but my God then hearing DSD say stuff like 'Daddy took all the money' drives me bonkers! We were in rented for 3 years without any social life frantically saving for a deposit on a home together before interest rates rose, and the 3 of us went on our first holiday together after 3 years this year. My partner makes good money yes, but when you effectively start over that money drains quickly and I think the ex forgets this when she makes these remarks to DSD. I just bite my tongue and try not to roll my eyes but I'm finding it increasingly hard! It's just so far from the truth and I want it to stop.

Not sure why I'm posting, maybe to rant but any advice would be great. Do we subtly say anything to DSD that it's simply not true? Currently we ignore it but it's like it's being said EVERY time DSD is over now...

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2023 15:45

We had this. Equally absolute bullshit. It does pass, just roll your eyes, take deep breaths, count to ten. Any specific lies your DP can deal with factually. How’s he dealing with it at the moment?

SeulementUneFois · 19/10/2023 15:48

I would say it exactly as it is, in simple terms - actually Daddy gave your mummy the house and the car, and gives her a good amount of money for your expenses every month.
Simple as.

KneeQuestion · 19/10/2023 15:50

No dont do this.

don’t communicate your frustration through a child.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/10/2023 15:52

You just have to bite your tongue, the DSD will realise once she's a bit older what the truth is or at least old enough to hear it from her father if he decides to disclose.

Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 19/10/2023 15:52

He took the money she took the house?

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/10/2023 15:52

Why would you not say "that's not true darling, that's hurtful to your Dad when you say things like that"

When she repeats: "remember what I told you that isn't true that your dad took all the money. Please don't repeat it, as it's unkind"

Etc etc until she gets the message.

aSofaNearYou · 19/10/2023 15:53

SeulementUneFois · 19/10/2023 15:48

I would say it exactly as it is, in simple terms - actually Daddy gave your mummy the house and the car, and gives her a good amount of money for your expenses every month.
Simple as.

I would do this too, especially if it seemed to bother the child. It's not about venting frustrations through the child, it's about not allowing them to be alienated with false conceptions.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 19/10/2023 15:53

SeulementUneFois · 19/10/2023 15:48

I would say it exactly as it is, in simple terms - actually Daddy gave your mummy the house and the car, and gives her a good amount of money for your expenses every month.
Simple as.

Don't do this. It's not fair on the DSD

OP, your DH needs to talk to his ex.

CostaDelPatio · 19/10/2023 15:54

Can you not act mock shocked and ask “what on earth gave you that idea DSD?”

CyberCritical · 19/10/2023 16:01

Can your DH not have a conversation with his ex where he tells her what DSD is saying and asks her not to say these kind of things to their child as it's affecting their relationship?

UnevenBalance · 19/10/2023 16:05

I would probably say ‘no it’s not true darling. WE agreed with your mum who was keeping what. When people split like this, no one can keep everything.’

I don’t think I would go into details, nor would I insist on how much your DH gives as CM.
Rather Id make it clear it was agreement between the two of them.

LumiB · 19/10/2023 16:07

I think the first thing to do is for DP to talk to his ex and ask for it to stop. Failing that and she continues to do then DP should be saying to his child what UnevenBalance said

caringcarer · 19/10/2023 16:20

Oh dsd what money did Daddy take? Does she mean his salary he works for?

Reugny · 19/10/2023 16:24

CostaDelPatio · 19/10/2023 15:54

Can you not act mock shocked and ask “what on earth gave you that idea DSD?”

This is a better thing for you or better still her father to do.

Then once she has given her explanation on why she believes that she can be corrected.

Quitelikeit · 19/10/2023 16:24

Wow she got lucky! House, car, 100k plus £525 a month

Original poster
Elizawho36 · 19/10/2023 16:27

Quitelikeit · 19/10/2023 16:24

Wow she got lucky! House, car, 100k plus £525 a month

Didn't stop her asking for a percentage of his pension too though...

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizawho36 · 19/10/2023 16:30

Thank you for all the comments :)

I was worried I may get quite a few negative replies as most posts on here do about CMS. I didn't want to drip feed and give all the facts so it's nice to see other people can also see how good she has it. Pity she cannot.

They don't really communicate at all, and only probably see each other 5/6 times a year when drop offs have to be via her house due to school hols. I honestly think she would enjoy it if partner spoke to her about this at her door as it means she's got under his skin. I think he is thinking about sending her a polite but firm email asking her to stop as it isn't fair on DSD. That may be the best option I think!

OP posts:
Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 19/10/2023 16:32

Someone died for her to inherit £100k while she was separating. That doesn’t sound lucky.

Was it the house clear of debt or the mortgage?

stillavid · 19/10/2023 16:35

I just think ignore it. DSD will figure stuff out in her own time.

Whilst the settlement sounds generous, who knows as depends largely on value of house/his pension/salaries.

Original poster
Elizawho36 · 19/10/2023 16:37

Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 19/10/2023 16:32

Someone died for her to inherit £100k while she was separating. That doesn’t sound lucky.

Was it the house clear of debt or the mortgage?

No I imagine not and perhaps I would have more sympathy if she hadn't cheated. Twice.

Anyways, I believe partner said there was around £65k left on the house. No idea if she used the inheritance to pay off the mortgage or not. The house is probably worth around £300k as it's near London. She hasn't moved.

OP posts:
Reugny · 19/10/2023 16:38

Elizawho36 · 19/10/2023 16:27

Didn't stop her asking for a percentage of his pension too though...

Show quote history

To be fair I now know both women and men who have tried it on when they have got divorced.

The child maintenance, currently £525, is for the child. It stops when the child is 18 and leaves secondary education.

This is why her dad needs to see if the child can give their own independent explanation of why "Daddy took all the money". I presume the child doesn't understand money matters so needs to start learning about simple budgeting.

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/10/2023 16:38

KneeQuestion · 19/10/2023 15:50

No dont do this.

don’t communicate your frustration through a child.

Children deserve the truth in developmentally and age appropriate ways, as much as anyone else. I always find it quite shocking that the received wisdom around these kinds of issues is Everyone Lie To The Child. My children’s father was a complete arse who pays no child support and barely bothered with them for years. I told my children he was a selfish man and his behaviour was absolutely nothing to do with them or who they were. They laugh about his foolishness now. Children internalise these things, no matter how much you try to protect them - “didn’t Daddy love ME enough to make sure we had enough money?” “What’s wrong with ME that my own Dad doesn’t want to spend time with me?” and so on. It’s not right to let children grow up with completely inaccurate ideas about difficult matters such as these. They will not thank you for it later.

Note, this is nothing to do with endlessly slagging the other parent off and calling them names, which is of course completely wrong.

Beamur · 19/10/2023 16:43

I think the fact that DSD keeps repeating this to you both is because she wants it to be explained to her. Silence probably feels like acquiescence.
It's not rude or confrontational to explain that when you get divorced you do have to divide up house/money/car/time spent with parents and yes, Daddy did get the money but Mummy got the house etc and Daddy still pays towards home with her Mummy as that's the way it works.

KneeQuestion · 19/10/2023 16:45

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/10/2023 16:38

Children deserve the truth in developmentally and age appropriate ways, as much as anyone else. I always find it quite shocking that the received wisdom around these kinds of issues is Everyone Lie To The Child. My children’s father was a complete arse who pays no child support and barely bothered with them for years. I told my children he was a selfish man and his behaviour was absolutely nothing to do with them or who they were. They laugh about his foolishness now. Children internalise these things, no matter how much you try to protect them - “didn’t Daddy love ME enough to make sure we had enough money?” “What’s wrong with ME that my own Dad doesn’t want to spend time with me?” and so on. It’s not right to let children grow up with completely inaccurate ideas about difficult matters such as these. They will not thank you for it later.

Note, this is nothing to do with endlessly slagging the other parent off and calling them names, which is of course completely wrong.

Show quote history

I didn’t say lie.

i said the op shouldn’t do what another poster suggested which was to air their frustration through the child.

this is a situation for the childs father to address. The op needs to manage her frustration away from this little girl.

Reugny · 19/10/2023 16:45

@Beamur daddy didn't get the "money" though.